If Super Mario 64 was a movie, this is how the audition process would go...

The director sat down in a chair in a small, white room and laid out the movie script in front of him. He waited patiently for the first person to come in the room.

Mario nervously entered the room.

"Um...can you tell me why I have to audition for a movie that's about ME?" Mario asked.

"Do you want to be in the movie or not?" The director furiously asked.

"MAMMA MIA! YES YES YES! MY APOLOGIES!" Mario shrieked. He then took out the script and started reading.

"Err...oh no...the...uh...princess is kidnapped! I have to s-save her! She might, um, be at, like, her castle but not Bowser's Castle since that'd be too oblivious...I MEAN OBVIOUS! OBVIOUS!" Mario freaked.

"NEXT!" The director yelled.


"Wooooooooooooo!" Tiny Kong screamed, showing off her pony tail twirl move but accidentally flew into a bunch of props.

"NEXT!"


"Hi! My name is Toadette and I'm auditioning for the part of-"

"NEXT!"


"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE YOU FAT COW! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS! YOU AND YOUR BRATTY KIDS! IF I HAD A COIN FOR EVERY TIME THIS HAPPENED, I'D HAVE 74294284927 COINS, GIVE OR TAKE A COIN!" Daisy screamed.

The director was flabbergasted and even kind of weirded out by Daisy's overacting.

"So when do I get the part?" Daisy asked with a cheesy smile.

"NEXT!"


"Hey brother, we should do something to help Mario! We can't just let him go into the castle and fight Bowser all by his lonesome!" Wario read out loud.

"Why not? He defeated Bowser all those times and had to go through multiple toads saying "Your princess is in another castle!". Don't you remember?" Waluigi said.

"Oh yeah! That's true. Hmm. Oh well. Wanna go get a smoothie?" Wario asked.

"Heck yeah! But if they don't have my favorite, then I'm suing the company!" Waluigi said.

The director's jaw was hanging open. He was stunned. Shocked. Speechless. Speckledorfed.

"My god...THAT WAS AMAZING! BEST AUDITION I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!" The director cheered and clapped.

"Wow! You really think so?" Waluigi asked in excitement.

"HELL NO! NOW GET OUT OF HERE!" The director yelled. Wario and Waluigi's dreams were now completely shattered.

"NEXT!"


"Hello there Mario. I am your conscience. Please do not be afraid of me as I'm not here to harm you. I want to tell you that you've got a long way to go ahead, but with faith and courage, you can definitely make it...along with an overload of 1-UP Mushrooms." Birdo said.

"Good, good. Now we'll start the next line reading on page 105." Said the director and flipped to the page.

"Errr, there is no page 105 in my script..." Birdo said in confusion.

The director dropped his script. "Excuse me?"

"Umm...there is no page 105." Birdo said again.

"Wh-wh-wh-what did you say?" He stuttered. Birdo started to get nervous.

"Page 105. It's not in the script!"

The director clenched his fist and suddenly got an angry look on his face.

"Is something the matter?" Birdo said in even more nervousness.

"NO PAGE 105? HOW THE HELL IS THERE NOT A DAMN PAGE 105? I PUT THE FREAKING PAGE IN THAT SCRIPT AND YOU'RE TELLING ME THERE'S NO 105? RAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He roared.

"HOLY SHOOTING STARS!" Birdo screamed and got the heck out of there.

"NEXT!"


Petey Piranha came waltzing in the room.

"Hallo! Is this where I audition?" Petey asked.

"No, this is where you buy slime monsters for 50% off. OF COURSE THIS IS WHERE YOU AUDITION!" The director yelled, obviously in a bad mood.

"SLIME MONSTERS? I WANT SOME! GIMME GIMME!" Petey cheered and jumped up and down.

"Sigh...I knew I should've been a waiter instead..." The director whispered, facepalming himself. "ANYWAYS! Let's start this off. What character are you auditioning for?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...weeeeeellllllll...I dunno." Petey said in confusion.

The director tried to hold his anger in. "Well since you're a PIRANHA, I assume you want to audition for the character, "The Sleepy Piranha Plant"?"

"Oh yeah! I do! How did you know?" Petey said in excitement.

"Because I'm actually smart...unlike some people here..." He whispered the latter then got out the script. "Alright, your part starts on page 26, first line on the page."

Petey turned to the page and started reading.

"Man, I am so tired! I suppose it wouldn't hurt to take a nap. I mean, it's not like someone's gonna try to destroy me while I'm asleep, all defenseless and such. Yes. I'll just lay here in the grass and..."

"...Yes? Why have you stopped reading?"

"And..."

"Is everything alright?"

"...?"

"HELLO! ANSWER ME!"

"BUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPP!"

Petey burped so loud that the entire building shook.

"Woo! That was the biggest burp I ever had in my entire life. I guess I shouldn't have drank all of that Diet Cacti-Cola! Hahaha!" Petey laughed.

"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! NEXT NEXT NEXT!"


Rosalina came walking in.

"Um, hello? I'm here to audition for the role of Princess Peach?" She nervously said.

"Ah, yes. You are Rolasina Star, correct?" The director asked.

"It's Rosalina. And yes, that would be correct." She answered.

"...Well then. Alright Rolas- I mean Rosalina, let's start on page 89, the very bottom line." He ordered. Rosalina turned to the respective page and the director started reading.

"So that's it then? You're just gonna give in to Bowser's needs?"

"Well I don't have any other choice! Mario is defeated, the Toads are helpless, and there's nothing more that I could do! The stars have failed me!"

"Peach...I am extremely disappointed in you. This is just a joke to you! You went through hell and back trying to save yourself so Mario at the least wouldn't have to worry if you're still alive. But now you're just standing here, saying you wanna 'give up'? Is that how you want your friends to see you, Peach? HUH? Do you want your friends to see you as the dumb blonde who wears the same pink dress every single day and can't even bother to get some DANG protection around her castle? HUH?"

"Um...that's not in the script..."

"This is suppose to be serious, you know. But you're just over there moping around, trying to straighten your hair with your 10 inch-long fingernails and you have the AUDACITY to tell me that you just wanna give up?"

"Where is this in the script?"

"You shouldn't even call yourself a princess! You're an ultimate disgrace! You think that just because you're oh so pretty and are super rich, that you could just sit there, give up, and pretend everything will be okay just because your life is good? HELL TO THE NO! You've got a LOOOOOOOOOOONG way to go, little girl!"

"WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING MY QUESTION?"

"Be quiet Peach!"

"WHO ARE YOU TELLING TO BE QUIET?"

"I SAID BE QUIET!"

"I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON HERE!"

"What is the matter with you?"

"I should be asking you the same-"

"STOP IT!"

Rosalina backed away in fear and started to cry.

"I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE YELLED AT A GIRL LIKE THIS! WHEN MY PET WIGGLER YELLS AT ME LIKE THIS, IT'S BECAUSE SHE LOVES ME! WE WERE ROOTING FOR YOU, WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU, HOW DARE YOU! LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS! WHEN YOU GO TO BED AT NIGHT, YOU LAY THERE AND YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF CAUSE NOBODY'S GONNA TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOU. YOU ROLLING YOUR EYES CAUSE YOU'RE ACTING LIKE YOU HEARD THIS ALL BEFORE, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THE HELL I COME FROM, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH! BUT I'M NOT A VICTIM, I GROW FROM IT, I LEARN. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF!"

Rosalina was crying her eyes out. "You are so weird and inconsiderate! I hate you! I hate you, I hate you, I HATE YOU!"

She then ran out the room, still crying.

"NEXT!"


Yellow Toad came in the room.

"Oshieteageru?" He asked.

"Excuse me?" The director responded.

"Oshieteageru?" He repeated.

"Uhh...me no speak whatever language you be speaking in!"

"Hora me sete ageru!" He yelled.

"NEXT!"

"KAMOCHA NI KARU!"

"I SAID NEXT!"

"SUGO SO NI NONINARU?"

"SECURITY!"

"TORIKO NI NARU!"

"SECURITY, IF YOU DON'T GET IN HERE IN 5 SECONDS, AN EXPLOSION OF CHAOS AND POSSIBLY BLOODSHED WILL HAPPEN IN HERE!"

"Konokiki nario!" The yellow Toad exited the room himself.

"Geez, does a foreigner REALLY expect to be in an ENGLISH SPEAKING MOVIE when he can't even speak ENGLISH? I swear, people these days...NEXT!"


Goombella came in the room.

"And what the hell do you want?" He asked rudely. Goombella was surprised by the sudden rudeness from the director.

"Um...I'm here to audition for the part of Goomba, the enemy!" She answered.

"HA HA HA HA HA HA! OH MY GOD! PLEASE DO NOT MAKE ME LAUGH!" The director laughed hard and almost fell out of his chair.

"What the heck is so funny?" Goombella asked, already getting ticked off by the second.

"Do you really think that you, a pink-colored female goomba, will be able to get the part of your typical enemy Goomba?"

"Well...maybe! I mean, if I try hard enough then surely I'll be able to get it!"

"Yeah, IN YOUR DREAMS! NEXT!"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAT? You can't do this to me! This is unfair!"

"Excuse me, I'm the director! What I say, goes!"

"Grrrrrrrrrr...YOU SEXIST! SEXIST SEXIST SEXIST! OH LOOK AT ME, I'M A BOSSY, IGNORANT DIRECTOR AND I DON'T BELIEVE THAT WOMEN SHOULD GET THE SAME EQUALITY THAT MEN SHOULD AND BLABBY BLABBY BLABBITY BLAH BLAH BLAAAHHHHHHH!" Goombella angrily screamed and stomped off.

"Sigh...wannabe actors. Always trying to make it seem like the world revolves around them. NEXT!"

EOC.

This was inspired by the Donkey Kong 64 secret ending. Please review.