Author's Commentary: I never intended to write this at all. The idea just appeared in my mind, and then I kept on adding to it. It's frightfully early for a digression, but I hope you will not mind if I post this to tide you over until Step Two.
(The views expressed by the characters are not necessarily those of Nerdy Nell or her non-existent affiliates or associates. Poor Legolas. He can't catch a break- not ever.)
The more Thranduil rages and seethes (very quietly) about this fan-fiction business, the more we look at each other and say, "They're in love with Legolas? Our Legolas?" A few people were so mystified that they wished to voice their concerns, as follows.
The Legolas-Objectors' Autograph Page
When I said I was sending Legolas "for the elves," what I meant was "as a courtesy for the elves of Mirkwood." The poor souls couldn't resist such a golden opportunity to get rid of him, and practically begged me to send him along.
-Elrond Peredhel
It's funny how people think elves are great hunters and trackers. And I guess most of them are; but if it had been left up to Legolas, he and Strider and Gimli would probably still be wandering all around the outskirts of Fangorn, wondering what had happened to Merry and me.
-Pippin Took
I don't like to speak against any of the Fellowship, but sometimes I do wish Legolas and his friends hadn't let that Gollum escape. It would have saved Mr. Frodo a lot of trouble. As far as courtship goes, I once heard Legolas call a girl sweet, but she was a stream.
-Samwise Gamgee
When Legolas can't translate something, he will shake his head and say that he has not the heart to tell you, because the grief is still too near. It's exactly what he did when I showed him a Gondorian stop sign.
-Frodo B.
Legolas has only ever been in love with trees-until he fell in love with the sea. We elves can listen to the sound of leaves in the wind for hours, and even we think he's a little odd.
-Elrohir son of Elrond
You might have read that only Legolas and Aragorn could long endure my gaze when I tested the Fellowship in Lothlorien. I did find it difficult to make a trial of Legolas because we were standing in a tree at the time: he already had everything he wanted.
-I remain,
Galadriel
The worst judgment I can make of anyone is that they don't like pipe-weed. Legolas disapproves of pipe-weed.
-Meriadoc Brandybuck
Have you not learned that all things are changed and confused in the Palantir of Cinema? Legolas is no exception. His eyes aren't even blue! They're [ink blot]
-Elladan son of Elrond
I have never found fault with Legolas, except when he nearly killed us all by threatening Eomer on the Plains of Rohan. Of all times to lose composure.
-Aragorn son of Arathorn
If you're up to your waist in snow, trying to forge a path through it with nothing but your arms, Legolas will make some poetic remark about the absence of the sun and helpfully inform you (from over the top of your trench) that there is only a little wall of snow left to clear. Then he will smile and watch bemusedly as you struggle on. I don't see why he couldn't have carried a shovel in that quiver of his.
-Boromir of Gondor
Who could forget the mess that elf caused when he and Gimli arrived in Minas Tirith? I've no idea what he believed he was about; but if he couldn't have thought to hide his face, at least he didn't have to go singing through the streets. All the maidens were craning their necks to look at him until they fell out of the windows; and all the nurses in the Houses of Healing left their poor patients and disturbed the sick with their giggling. He may have been brave on the battlefield, but he was utterly useless in a broken-down city. The king was the one with healing hands, after all, as I mentioned to-
I have it on good authority that when Legolas met the Balrog, he did nothing but wail and dash towards the bridge of Khazad-Dum. When I met a Balrog, I slew it. And then I came back from the dead.
-Glorfindel of Gondolin (and Imladris, because I came back from the dead)
Well, I prepared a long list of insulting things to say about the elf, but you folk have almost made me pity him. For an elf, he isn't so bad. He will go bravely into places he isn't afraid of. He can shoot a fell beast in the dark, if it's big enough to blot out the moon. He has good taste in friends.
He is good at keeping count in the heat of battle-he just can't count to forty-two. Ahem.
-Gimli son of Gloin
Much as I . . . appreciate the sentiment behind these . . . statements, I refuse to believe our only solution is to defame my son's character. I am sure if I could force myself to read them, I would find nothing but half-truths and twisted facts, if not outright lies.
What is absolutely true is that if you so much as set your shameful feet inside the borders of Eryn Lasgalen, my people will lead you on a merry dance until you are hopelessly lost. Then you will starve in the darkness, and it will be a relief when the giant spiders come to eat you.
And, as for the rest of you, I have not forgotten what I said about the barrels.
-Thranduil
