A/N : The first kiss. Introduces inner conflict & an emo Jason. not surprising, i know. enjoy!
Fast forward to the second semester of freshman year.
Peter had finally reached puberty. Finally caught up to his now best friend. Peter was a few inches shy of Jason, but he always knew that would happen. Jason was more like the Greek God in the friendship, while Peter was more like one of the screaming girls trying to get his attention… though I'd never let him know that…
By now, they were inseparable. Jason was on most of the teams on campus, while Peter was involved in the drama department, but each different group accepted the outsider of the day. Jason's teammates accepted Peter and Peter's acting friends accepted Jason. It was a good life, and neither of them complained about that part.
Though they always had other complaints. But those were the complaints they'd never say aloud. Even to each other.
As the weeks had passed, they had basically gone over each of their entire life story sans certain detail. By the start of November, they had a plan when something happened, or if there was something one of them needed to talk about; if it was kind of important, but okay if they couldn't make it, the person in need at the moment left a white tack on the door, and they'd meet at the hill behind St. Cecelia's. If it was sort of important, a blue tack was left, and they met at the swings at the elementary school down the street.
But if it was something urgent, a gold tack was left. They each had one, hidden in spots even the other didn't know. Peter's was poked into the back of his headboard, and every now and then, he'd pull it out when Jason was asleep, just to hold it in his hands as he thought or wrote. Just so he could remember.
Jason's was hidden somewhere a little different. He had a hard time expressing feelings, always had, because he knew once you said something, it was concrete... you couldn't take it back. So he hid his in his journal, which was safely hidden under his mattress. His journal was the one place he could say anything he wanted, because he could easily erase something, easily get rid of the whole thing. And it was the one place he'd dare let him think about Peter. All his fantasies, his love, his thoughts... everything written in that little book. He felt like such a girl sometimes... but it was the one way he could express himself freely.
That gold tack was such an important symbol of their friendship, and Jason wanted it in the one place he let himself think about Peter. Where he had always thought Peter would stay... only in his dreams.
The gold tack rule had only been used once, after a fight between Jason and his father. With the gold tack on the door, the place they met was in the middle of the forest behind the park a few blocks away, a small meadow they had found while exploring one day. It was their place of pure comfort, even if it did have a creepy ora to it.
It was their place. No one elses. Just theirs. There in the middle of the murky forest to be the place to go to help one another. A private place that belonged to them. Yes, it was dark, shadowy with no spec of sunlight, but in a way - that fit them. In their darkest of days, this was the one place they could come and know that they were safe to talk to the other about what ever it was that was bothering them. It was the one place that was hidden from the world... the one place they could be hidden... even if it had some flaws... murky and odd and misplaced... so were they in the world that they lived in. In the school they attended. In their families. It was everything bad... and everything good. Everything that was them.
This day went as usual. It was nearing the end of June now, almost the end of the month, and Peter was walking back to his dorm from his final class of the day. He was in a fabulous mood. His day started with a call from his mom AND his dad (both had gone well, which was surprising), he had Aced three tests, and his last class was Shakespeare, so it had ended with a bang. Seriously, he thought, how could this day get any better?
But as he got to his door, only to find a gold tack right at the level of his eyes, he realized that as his day was great, it was about to end on a sour note. But he'd go through that for Jason. He'd do anything for Jason. More than I'd ever admit in confession… He thought with a humorless chuckle as he unlocked his door a fraction of the way in order to toss his backpack into the room. He didn't care where it fell, he only needed to get to Jason as soon as he could.
Passing through the familiar hallways in order to get outside soon became a grueling adventure. Just as he needed to pass through with no trouble, not only did the hallways become exceedingly longer, but it seemed that everyone in the building decided at that moment to all pour out of their room and talk to one another. All in his way to get to the one place he needed to be.
So to pass the time of the ten minute walk to get to the forest, he thought back on how he and Jason had gotten to this point of being there for the other on the drop of a hat. Peter thought his reason for being there was obvious to everyone, but at least to himself. His crush on Jason from the first day only grew stronger with the more of the blonde's heart he was aloud to see. There were times he admitted to himself that his fantasies could get a bit out of hand, and he found himself running to the bathroom many nights to tend to some 'technical problems'.
How can I help it? He gushed in his mind subconsciously. Not everyone is allowed to see the side of him I get to see. Just the thought made his lips curl into a pride-filled smile. He's let me see his soul; every problem, every smile, every… everything. Even those ABS. A groan escaped his throat at the mental image.
It was a pure, no touch, no speak though. He could think all he wanted too. Just… no… touching. It became painful NOT to sometimes, but he did it, and paid himself back for it later.
No, he did not think that the way he felt about his best friend was right. How could he, being raised by a strict, bible clutching family? But he couldn't help the way he felt. He couldn't help the things he did about it either.
But the bible doesn't say anything about the thoughts… only about a man lying with a man… Not thinking about it. Sure, if you act on it, then you're a sinner, but still. I'm not giving in. He'd been trying to convince himself of that for years. He had the bible drilled into his skull by the time he was 7 years old. And he'd known he'd been attracted to the 'wrong' sex since he was 12. Since that year, he'd always been self conscious about talking to people, worried he'd slip up, so he'd been the outcast of his middle school. He'd never imagined that in high school his best friend would be the most popular guy in the school. Or that he'd be falling for him.
He was so worried that Jason would find out… that's why he was so tentative to him. Give him a reason to keep Peter around. And sure… maybe it is trying to get him to like me back… but it's not like I'm doing it to… get him… he's straight…He sighed to himself, pulling his hands out of his pockets, starting to climb through the thick branches of the out skirts of the forest.
He knew the way better than Jason did, being that he came here more than Jason did, he just decided that he wanted to be alone in the oddly comforting area. But it wasn't welcoming as he approached where Jason sat, his knees hugged to his chest and his face hidden.
"Jase…" Peter whispered, frozen at the edge of the grassy area in the darkest of the shadows in the small circle.
With a sniff, Jason looked up at Peter slowly, eventually exposing his red face with tear-streaked cheeks. His knees were soaked from what Peter could tell in the dim light, and his eyes were swollen and puffy. Jason was never one to cry… ever.
"I don't know what to do Peter…" Jason said, almost inaudible, not breaking eye contact with Peter. Still frozen and speechless, all Peter could do was stand there, just staring. In what seemed like an eternity, neither boy noticed that the sky was darkening more and more every second, and small droplets of rain were starting to fall.
In a short moment, Peter had moved himself so that he was sitting beside his broken friend. "What happened?" Peter asked, rubbing Jason's back lightly.
"Dad." He said simply, looking intently at the trees.
"What about him this time?" Peter questioned, in a knowing sort of manor. He'd heard these stories before, about Jason's father always pushing him to the point of insanity. But never had Jason reacted this way, at least, not that Peter had witnessed.
"I told him I didn't want to be on the golf team next year." Jason explained quietly, though Peter could barely hear him over the rain starting to hit the leaves on the ground around them. It was as if his senses had increased, doing everything in their power so as not to hear Jason's words. Why could that be? He wondered, but shoved it off. Jason was important now. Just Jason. "I told him I could never play golf. I'm not him. I can never be him." He said the last part in a haunting voice that made a shiver go up Peters spine.
"You could never be him." Peter repeated from his usual speech. He started to continue his practiced monologue that always worked, but Jason snapped his attention to look at Peter with those wounded eyes.
"You don't even know, Peter. No one knows the reasons I can't be him. I can't be perfect." He bit, looking right into Peter, who was stunned at this change. His final words to his sentiment were ghostly and sad, and in such a hushed tone that Peter had to lean in to hear them. "Sinners can't be perfect."
Peter thought about a response to that, and looked away from Jason for the first time throughout the time he had gotten there. "What's your sin?" The question came out in a shaken voice.
"You'd never speak to me again if I told you, Pete. No one would. It's just too… unforgivable…" Jason responded in such a morbid tone; it really scared Peter.
"I know how you feel…" Peter sighed, getting a weird look from Jason in response. Peter met his look unwillingly, adding, "And there isn't anything that would cause me to never speak to you again." Peter's hand grasped Jason's knee, adding to the reassurance of what he had just said.
"You can't possibly understand Peter. You'll abandon me. You can't possibly care about me that much. Not enough to stay around me." Jason said with sunken eyes. It would kill him if Peter left; that was clear as day in his blue eyes. But who would want to stay friends with a sinner? A boy in love with a boy? A homosexual? Jason growled internally at the word. He was damned to hell. He knew it. This was so wrong… what he wanted to do… what he wanted to do to his best friend as he was sitting beside him.
"I'm not planning on going anywhere, Jason. I understand what you're saying, but in a different way than you mean it I'm sure." Peter said, regretting what anyone could imply from what he had just said. But Jason never implied. He just got on with it and asked questions until he knew it all. Then he was happy because he knew the actual story.
"Just tell me what's going on Jase… I know I'll understand. I know you better than anyone. Just tell me." Peter urged, curious as to what would have him reacting like this.
"He keeps pushing me… I can't be my father… have the 'perfect life behind a white picket fence with the wife and kids'," Jason laughed with no joy, mocking his father's voice. "But I can't have that life… I don't want it. And he'll never allow his son to be less than perfect…"
"Why can't you have that life? You could easily get the perfect girl, the perfect house, living the catholic life…" Peter winced at the thought of Jason with a girl. He'd always been selfish in his thoughts of Jason; Jason was his.
"I don't want the perfect girl…" Jason said, his gaze shifting away from Peter's eyes. He was clearly uncomfortable.
"Then what do you want?" Peter asked with the slightest bit of hope twinkling in his eyes, and Jason could somehow see that, even with rain pouring to the point now that he could barely make out the features of the trees.
Jason looked at him for a second, the highlight of his past year, here in front of him still. Peter got what he was saying… didn't he? So why wasn't he running away? Staring into those brown eyes melted him like chocolate on the tongue. Jason's hand started reaching toward Peter, all of the self control he had before vanished, but it came back just as fast, his hand falling back down on his knee. "Someone I can't have." He sighed.
Peter looked at Jason, pleading for something. He didn't know what it was; maybe for Jason to confess his love, maybe for him to kiss him and strip him down… or maybe it was for Jason to tell Peter how disgusting it was for Peter to even be thinking those things.
That look in Peter's eyes did it for Jason; killed every single wall he'd put up to avoid this. Destroyed it and obliterated it, all with those chocolate brown eyes. Jason's hair lay damp around his face, as did Peter's. "Peter…" Jason's fingers trailed Peter's cheek, pushing the hair out of his beautifully structured face, his fingers afire with the electricity as his fingers traced invisible lines across Peter's smooth face.
Peter drew in a quick breath, his heart skipping a beat. He didn't know what to say or do now that he'd let his dreams engulf him. This couldn't be real. No. He wouldn't convince himself this was real. Nope. Not gonna happen. Not real… though… I never said I wouldn't enjoy the dream while it was here…
"Peter…" He whispered again, this time inching closer to the boy with closed eyes sitting beside him. He sat up from where he was seated, on his knees, and turned to face his best friend. Slowly, he leaned in, their lips only slightly brushing, as peter whispered, "Jason…" right as their lips touched.
It was as perfect as the way their hands had fit the first day they met. It was as if the puzzle was finally solved… as if the world made sense for once. As their lips moved in synchronization… in those few careless moments… all they could think about was getting to taste as much of each other as they could.
Nothing mattered. Not Jason's father. Not the fact that their catholic school was a ten minute walk away. Not what other people thought of them. Nothing.
Nothing but the simple joy in the comfort both of them had as this kiss lasted what seemed like forever – neither wanting to part, neither wanting to let go of what they had finally been given the chance to have.
And neither boy could help but think – There must be an approving God up there… one that gives us a moment like this… He must love us anyway… But they knew that once this was over it would change everything. God couldn't love this. It was wrong. But they didn't care. Not as they reached and admired every inch of each other in the last few hours of freshman year.
The kiss was more than perfect - it was the assurance that they'd both finally found the home they had each been so desperately looking for.
But one thought made Jason pull away. Not that he really wanted to end such an amazing first kiss, but his conscious had caught up with him. This couldn't be right. He couldn't help but think it - it had always been drilled into his head.
Peter was laying under him, gently humming in what looked like... pure bliss. His eyes were closed, enjoying what was left of this moment. Jason didn't like that, being that that meant Peter's eyes were hidden. Jason loved those eyes. Peter could make Jason do anything if he plead with his eyes. Jason brushed the tips of his fingers over Peter's cheek, causing his eyes to pop open. Just what I wanted. He thought with a smile.
Quietly and with deliberate slowness, Jason lifted himself to his feet, his body cold the second his body left Peter's warm grasp. He felt empty. The loneliness in Jason's eyes were reflected by Peter's with just as much desperation to get close again.
It was colder out, now that nights chill was coming over them. They'd been out there for hours, but time had frozen for the both of them during that moment.
As Jason stood facing Peter, he couldn't help himself as his right hand grasped Peters shoulder and his left pulled him by the neck to lock lips again. This kiss was different than the first... needier, while the first was more of a surprise, enjoy the moment one more. They explored eachother this time, allowing themselves a little more before the imminent departure from school the next day. With this kiss, they took advantage of all they could, trying to prove to themselves that this wasn't a dream... that it was really happening. The desperateness didn't make it any less romantic though, for it was slow and sensual, them taking every extra second possible to forget everything.
But inside, both boys feared that this would all end too soon... summer here now... they'd both be going to separate places tomorrow for three months... All Peter could think was that Jason would come to his senses by September, running to tell the school about Peter. Jason was only thinking that Peter would realize that Jason wasn't worth it.
Three months, in their minds could change everything. It could, sure, but maybe it wasn't such a bad thought for certain things to change.
A/N : Next Chapter will be up tomorrow i think, depending on the homework load. comments!
