Harley and Ivy Build a City!
Chapter 3: "Five Simple Rules"
A/N: Hey, all! Joining Harley, Ivy, and the rest today is Selina Kyle (aka Catwoman)! She'll only be staying for a little while, though.
Rule #1: Don't touch the wand
Selina Kyle is running, panting. In her hand is Weather Wizard's wand. There's heavy rain out in Central City. Weather Wizard slips and falls while chasing her.
"Hey, give me back my wand! You dare steal from me? My powers make me a god!"
He looks back to see Captain Boomerang standing around chilling.
"Do something, will you?", he asks Boomerang.
Boomerang promptly throws some boomerangs in Selina's direction, which she flips over. But the last one hits her in the leg on its way back. She falls over and drops the wand. Boomerang walks up to her.
"Digger, wait! I'm taking this as a favor for Harley and her friend Ivy."
"Oh, Harley Quinn, you say? Well, why didn't ya just say so?"
A while later, Selina shows up at Harley and Ivy's with the wand.
"Ha! All I can imagine is a wandless Weather Wizard running around panicking.", Ivy says. "He doesn't really have much else going for him."
"Well, I did catch him with his pants down. He slipped and fell as a result of a rainstorm he created."
"So, ya know how it works?", Harley asks.
"Not really.", Selina replies.
"That's okay; I think I can figure it out!"
"No!", Ivy and Selina exclaim.
Harley pushes a button, which promptly creates a blizzard.
"Um… it's okay, everyone! I know exactly what to do. Serious situation calls fer a serious attitude!", Harley says.
Harley rushes to her closet, putting on her stolen Gotham City Police uniform and quickly applying some clown makeup.
"Gee, Harley. That was real helpful.", Selina says.
"If I may… I know a thing or two about technology.", Eggy says, taking the wand.
After a moment, the situation is fixed. Eggy adjusts the settings to Ivy's specifications and Ivy locks it up behind a thick wall of vines.
"See? Everythin's fine now.", Harley says.
Rule #2: Respect the Green
"I'm glad you were finally able to deliver on that fine weather you promised on my tour.", Selina says.
Selina notices a worried look on Ivy's face.
"What wrong?", she asks.
"It's just, now that we have the basic resources needed to support all our guests, they're gonna want to turn this place into a concrete jungle. I just know it."
Within days, people start importing all kinds of goods into the oasis. Various foods, recreational goods, building tools, old belongings from their previous dwellings. But the moment Ivy sees the vast variety of imported tools, she becomes enraged.
"Stop it right there! What are all these tools for?", she asks.
"I'd just like to put some pictures up on my wall. I brought some stuff from my old home. None of us knew if you would let all of us stay for good.", a man responds.
Ivy rummages through his personal belongings and finds an old chainsaw.
"And what would this be?", Ivy asks.
"That was my grandfather's.", he says.
"Was your grandfather a logger, by any chance?"
Ivy gathers everyone to the border of her oasis and tells everyone to leave. Her vines start crawling around them, blocking off every other direction.
"Red, what's the matter? Why's everyone in timeout?", Harley asks, entering the vicinity.
"It was just supposed to be the two of us, Harl. They'll ruin it all…."
"Pam. Hon. I know you were never the same ever since you got turned into a walkin' talkin' plant person. But yer still human in there. An' yer lonely. But you can still love plants and people. If we can all just get along, you'll see it can all be better. Ya just have ta be willin' ta talk to them."
"Talk? Just talk? Nobody ever listens to me. Except when I make them listen. But it never lasts."
"Then we make 'em listen. This is our place. They will listen. They never had ta come here to begin with. They chose this place. They will listen."
Rule #3: All imports must be approved by Poison Ivy
"Selina? Care to dine with us before you leave?", Ivy asks.
"I wouldn't miss it.", she replies.
The two of them walk to the table where Harley and Eggy are already eating.
"I'm going through these lists of all the different items people want to bring in. I still haven't got it all worked out yet. Anything that enters our paradise will be no less than perfect."
"Red, no bringin' work to the table! Why dontcha try this pizza bagel Billy made over there?"
"…who's Billy?", Ivy asks.
"He's that tall guy over there.", Harley says, pointing to him.
"Sup, dudettes.", he says, with a thumbs up.
"Well, if you insist…."
Ivy takes a bite and immediately starts coughing.
"OH! This is way too salty! Are you trying to kill me?", she asks.
"You can down a jug a' cyanide, but ya can't eat salt?", Harley asks.
"The wrong kinds of salts can be very bad for a lot of plants. From now on, I'm making sure all imported food products are either low sodium or sodium free. And none of this type of salt."
She downs a glass of water. Still thirsty, she downs Harley's too.
"Great. Well, now I have to pee. This has certainly been a fun week."
"Sorry, Red."
Ivy politely leaves the table, and Harley starts staring at Eggy.
"Oh, dear. You're doing it again. Why must you always stare at me like that?", Eggy asks her.
"Well, Red got me thinkin' about salt, an' here I am sittin' with a giant egg in fronna me."
"You really scare me sometimes, Miss Harley.", Eggy replies.
"Harley, quit terrorizing your friends and finish the rest of your food.", Selina says.
"Yes, MOM.", Harley says sarcastically. "Ya know what? I got a better idea. Time ta lighten the mood!"
Rule #4: Always laugh at Harley's Jokes
Harley suddenly pushes out her chair and climbs onto the table. Selina knows nothing good can come of this.
"I would just like ta thank everybody fer respectin' yer two lovely hosts, despite a bit of a hiccup earlier today. I'd like ta thank Ivy an' Billy for the wonderful food. An' I'd like ta celebrate everyone who's here today. Especially you, Kitty. Thanks fer visitin'."
Selina returns a smile, half out of politeness and half in anticipation.
"I remember back in the day, when Mistah J—"
"Oh, don't say it.", Selina says to herself.
"—wanted ta cheer people up, he'd tell a joke. An' then he'd kill ya, but don't worry, I won't do that…."
"I don't think she's off to a great start.", Eggy whispers to Selina.
"Ya know what they say: Ta laugh is ta live! Say, why did the ivy cross the road…? Ta get to the other vine!", Harley delivers with a big smile on her face.
After a pause, Eggy briefly and awkwardly laughs out of politeness. Selina is covering her face with her hand.
"What? What does that even mean? That's not funny.", someone says.
"An' what is your name?", Harley asks.
"Rose."
"'Rose.' Ya had ta be named after a plant."
As Ivy is finishing up in the bathroom, she starts hearing commotion outside. Upon opening the door, she hears Harley screaming from somewhere, while others are clearing the room.
"What the—", Ivy starts.
Rule #5: No killing or maiming without special permission
"Uhh… Selina? What's going on?", Ivy asks, entering the room.
"Harley.", she replies.
"I only left her for two minutes."
BANG! BANG! CRASH!
"Oh, no. Is that what I think that is?", Ivy asks.
"I'm afraid so."
Ivy follows the sounds into the new recreation room to see Harley swinging her giant mallet into the wooden walls, Rose ducking for cover.
"Harley, stop. You're hurting the plants."
"Keep her away from me! She's a lunatic!", Rose shouts.
"Yes… but she's my lunatic.", Ivy says, now turning to Harley. "Harleen, darling…"
"What? I'm not gonna kill her, honest! I'm only gonna bash her 'til she behaves because I have excellent self-control."
"Remember what you told me earlier today about working things out with other people? Can you put the hammer down? Just for a moment? For me?"
"But that's no fun….", Harley says, as her smile gently fades away.
"Maybe not. But in the long run, it's better than fun."
Harley's mallet hits the floor with a thwap sound. She makes a sudden move toward Rose and bursts into tears.
"I'm so sorry. Couldja ever fergive me… for tryin' ta kill ya?"
There is a short pause before Rose responds.
"Please… leht goh. Can't… breathe…."
"Harley, let go of the kind lady.", Ivy says.
Harley lets her go.
"Thanks. Miss Ivy.", she says, running out of the room after a brief delay.
"Let's call it a night.", Ivy says.
"Aww. Tuck me in, please?"
"Only if you promise to be good."
"Well… maybe just fer tonight.", Harley says with a wink.
END
