A/N: Thank you so much to SallyJetson for the beta. I was a bit unsure about this chapter so it's been sitting for awhile.


Chapter Three: Six Years

Six years. It had been six long years. The ache of loneliness was sometimes too overwhelming. Some nights she never thought she would make it until dawn. When she would see the orange sun peek over the horizon she didn't know if she was relieved or disappointed to make it to the next day.

She hadn't wanted to ever come back here and she hadn't been back here in almost six years. Even after all this time, it was too real. It was as if seeing his name in print made the situation too permanent and his end too finite. His name etched into the cold marble was too hard to see even all these years later.

She still missed him so much. Her hands would itch to pick up the phone and tell him about a funny thing that happened. In the dark waking up from a nightmare, she would still feel for him, hoping he could pull her close, steady her racing heart. Her hands feeling only the cold sheets only reminded her of the permanence of their separation. As if she needed a reminder. There wasn't a day that had gone by that she was not reminded of his sparkling blue eyes or his cheeky grin. Now her heart still clenched at the thought, but she was no longer overwhelmed by the darkness of her loneliness. Instead her heart ached for the things he was missing. She fought back the tears, replaced them instead with a sad smile. The laughter, the smiles, the whispers all these things he should have been here for.

She had never really moved into her new apartment, the boxes still packed littered the stark space. It was only in her hall closet that things were unpacked and his scent mingled with the cedar lining. For something she hadn't thought through, it was still well planned. She paid her rent and bills in advance, arranged for her mail to be sent to Stella's. She handed in her forms for a leave of absence; Mac was the only one unsurprised. Stella had hugged her tightly. For a minute she felt badly for leaving them as well, but she knew she couldn't stay. She couldn't move on if everything reminded her of him. This city was him. All the things she didn't want to ever forget but were making it hard for her to shake the grips of despair. She wasn't sure how long she would be gone for; she wasn't even sure where she was going. She found herself pulling into her parents' farm. Comforted by her mother's welcoming arms, but disturbed by the feeling that this too was no longer home. Nevertheless her mother held her as she cried that whole night.

She thought it was amazing that throughout all her mourning, her sadness and desperation, she had never thought to hurt herself. Sure she was neglectful of herself but only to a point. She knew she still had living to do. It was always as if the small flame in her refused to be extinguished. Her mother was the first to notice, to tell that perhaps her tiredness, her illness, was not due to his absence but to another's presence. Confusion and worry were the first things on her mind. Afraid that she hadn't been looking after herself well enough, then afraid she couldn't do this by herself. Mostly she was afraid to be too excited, to get her hopes up. That even in the worst of times such a miracle could occur. That even while she lost him he would leave her with part of him. Their son.

Soft laughter and a maniacal giggle filled the air and awoke her from her reverie before she felt the sudden cold of a snowball at her back. The snow swirling, sparkling blue eyes and that same cheeky grin.