Thank you!
Grey Streets…
The response to this story has been more than I ever imagined. I have read and re-read your reviews and feel so blessed that you are relating to the characters and story line.
There have been many questions and comments in the same vein so I thought I was answer them all here at once.
1. I had mentioned in an A/N that this is a very personal story to me and it is. The themes I am writing about (unrequited love, becoming an adult when you are still a child, lost dreams, lost love, special needs children) are all very close to my heart.
2. Luke has really struck a chord ( in the same way Olivia has in Fifty Ways) and I am very happy that has happened. Many of you have asked if he is autistic and the answer is yes. I have yet to read a story where the mind of an autistic child was part of the narrative. It is something that I have wanted to explore for quite sometime and only now feel confidant enough in my writing to tackle it. That confidence comes directly from you, my readers and reviewers. To parents of autistic children, please feel free to reach out any thoughts or ideas you may have and I will try to incorporate them I to Luke's journey. I want to preface by saying I do not have an autistic child but my aunt adopted three special needs children, two of which have Downs syndrome. This is something that was very much a part of my childhood and upbringing and something that I am excited to bring awareness to in any small way that I can.
3. The Ana and Christian dynamic is very different in this story and you all have really responded to it. I am thrilled by this! I know a lot of you are relating to Ana and how she has been cast aside by CG. It is a very relatable thing - abandonment. I love how you have all rallied around her. I look forward to hearing your responses to the next few chapters as more unfolds about Jose and Hyde.
4. Just to be clear there are going to flashbacks telling the story at different times in their shared history. If that becomes unclear please let me know.
5. As always music plays a huge role in my writing. This story is based on Grey streets by the Dave Matthews Band. Give it a listen. And if you have a song that you think would inspire me PLEASE send it on over.
I also want to give a shoutout to a few reviewers who really made me think and have a possible bearing on future chapters. Heycomputer, irishmauve, kfoll, BriLee, and icalyn my first review for this story. Also to all the guest reviewers you have been so kind and supportive. I know you all get a bad rap so I wanted to give you a good shout out too!
Thank you all so much and if you have any questions you know where to find me. Xoxo PPP
Chapter 3: If you're Gonna Love Me then Darlin' Don't refrain
"It's Christian, leave a message."
"Uh, hey Christian. It's me Ana. I mean of course you know it's me, my name comes up on your phone and I sure you know my voice by now…I uh, I am not sure what's going on. This is my third message. Its not like you to just not call back or email or something. Elliott said he spoke to you, that was a relief. At least I know your breathing. Look, if I said or did something or I pissed you off… That's what I do. Been doing for decades now, so why don't you just man up, tell me what I said so I can tell you how stupid you are and we can put this all behind us okay? Look… Call me okay. Please. At home or even the bar just call… I miss you. Bye"
The Wander Inn was crowded, packed even considering it was so early for a Friday night in late June. The dark wood paneled walls, rich oxblood leather covered booths, the worn mahogany bar that her father build by hand over thirty years before all added to the cozy feeling. The Inn, was modeled after the pub that her great grandfather Owen Steele owned in Cork. His portrait hung proudly behind the bar, keeping a watchful eye over the place. Her father Ray always believed that his stern features and his dark moody eyes instilled a subconscious fear in his patrons, keeping them in line and the bar fights to a minimum. The painting always freaked her out and Ana was tempted to take it down when she took over the bar, but she could never bring herself to do it in the off chance her dad was right.
Taking over the bar two years ago was not where Ana saw her life headed. She worked there of course of the years to help out her dad but teaching English at the high school was the one thing keeping her sane. It wasn't what she had dreamed but if was the one thing in her life that she willingly chose. After her mother death, her childhood was gone and she became a mother not only to her siblings but to her father as well. His grief mixed with scotch and began a battle with the bottle that Ray sadly had more losses than wins. His last battle was the final straw leaving Ana no choice but to step in and usurp his ownership of the bar, if for nothing else to save the family home that was on the verge of foreclosure. She left her job at the school, talking a leave of absence that was now permanent. There was just too much to do at the Inn, even with taking Jessica her oldest and dearest friend on as a partner. Shane was away at school, so she really only had to worry about his tuition, it was Claire that was the question mark. She was just turning sixteen and was full of the rage and anger of a girl whose mother was dead and whose father was an alcoholic. No matter how good of a job Ana did trying to maintain a normal life the stains of unhappiness set in to the fabric of Claire's being and nothing that Ana could do to stop it. Powerless once again , a feeling that she hated and yet she was so accustomed to it.
A mix of young and old townies filled the booths and stools, nursing beers and chowing down on burgers and wings. The hum of a full bar mixed with the pounding of the juke box and the fact that she had gotten a little too much sun out on the boat turned out to be a bad combination. Ana was exhausted and already had a headache brewing; she swallowed a few Advil hoping for quick relief. She couldn't understand the reason for the influx of patrons, the sheer onslaught of people. It was Jessica her oldest and dearest friend, her partner in their side business The Wander Out food truck, head chef at the Inn, and general counsel who put it all together. It was Christian and his return to town, everyone knowing that at some point in the evening he would wander into the Wander Inn. Everyone wanting to be there, not wanting to miss it.
Ana kept herself busy, talking to her regulars, mixing drinks, pouring shots anything she could do to distract herself. She was dreading the moment that everyone else was looking forward to. Ana had made it through this afternoon but seeing him shook her more then it really should have. She knew that she was more hurt then angry. When she finally fled to the safety of her house, the door slamming behind her, leaving him on the curb, she allowed herself to cry. It was not something the she did often; she had learned long ago how to control her sadness. But the compounded drama of her week, mixed with Christian's return, took its toll. She sat slumped against her front door, as hot fat tears rolled off her cheeks dropping to the old pine floors beneath her, hearing Christian and Carrick call out to one another, grateful Carrick had stopped Christian from following her.
"You ok there Kiddo?" Jessica asked passing her an order of cheese fries through the window between the back bar and the kitchen.
"Ish." Was Ana's only reply, talking the hot plate of greasy goodness and giving Jessica a crooked smile. In an instant worry flashed across Jessica's face and Ana's stomach dropped.
"Behind you two o'clock." Ana inhaled sharply, turning expecting to see Christian standing behind her. Instead she found Jose, sitting down at the bar. Jose, she exhaled a bit, not sure if she was ready to see him after all that had happened. She quickly delivered the cheese fries to their rightful owner and made her way over to Jose with mixed feelings. Up until this week he had been her boyfriend for the last two years Jose had been there. Despite his rough exterior, the array of artful tattoos that covered most of his arms, his wicked, sardonic sense of humor, his love of muscle cars that kept his repair shop busy and his nails always dirty, he was a kind sweet man. An artist, a lover of women and Spanish guitar and he played them both with eager expert hands.
"Hey Ana." His smile was warm, his eyes sad. He was trying to read her face and her body. He had wanted to come days earlier and apologize. He wanted to make it right and see if they could mend what had somehow frayed between them. But then her heard that Christian was coming back to town and he began to wonder if her denial was a result of his impending return. He knew better than anyone that Ana's heart was divided between two men from her past, thought she would never admit it. Jose knew that Christian was one and the always wondered about the other.
"Hi Jose." Her tone matched his as she rested her hand over his. She could feel that eyes were on them, the news of their breakup trickling through the rumor mill. She needed to touch him, she had missed him. Her bed was empty, as were her hands without him there to hold them. Ana wished she could just say yes and marry Jose. That would be the easy thing to do, she knew she would be happy and safe with him but she needed more. Ana made herself a promise long ago, and she intended to keep it.
"You want your usual?" She asked him cocking her head to one side, tucking a curl behind her ear. He nodded and she pulled his favorite draft placing it down in front of him. He slid the full pint, back and forth between his hands, across the smooth bar top before finally lifting it to his mouth and taking a large sip.
"How are you doing?" he asked after a few silent beats really wanting to know.
"I'm sad…" Ana's voice trailed off as Jose nodded in agreement. "I wish you wouldn't have… given me an ultimatum."
"Ana, it's been two years and I have loved you since I was thirteen and you were fifteen. If you are not sure about me after all this time, after everything we have gone thru…"
"It's not that I am not sure about you, I just don't want to get married."
"Well I do, I want to get married and have a family… with you…" As the words left his mouth he wished he could take them back, seeing the pained look on her face.
"Don't." Her brow furrowed and she felt like he had just stabbed her, she felt physical pain. "This is not the time or the place, honesty what are you even doing here?" Her voice on the edge of angry. "I thought we agreed…"
"I wanted to see how you were, and I heard Christian was back in town." He interrupted her, not wanting to hear her justify their breakup again, knowing that the mention of Christian would throw her off.
"Yeah, he is. I saw him." She said robotically, not giving anything away. Jose was not surprised that she had seen him, despite the shocked look that flashed across his face.
"And?"
"And nothing, like I told you a thousand times before he and I are no longer friends." Her voice was flat and even, he knew her tone was a mask. She was pretending not to care. It was the same tone she used when she turned down his marriage proposal, the previous weekend. He took another large gulp of beer, wishing it was a shot of whiskey. "I gotta get back to work, we are getting slammed tonight. You want a refill?" He shook his head no, taking the last sip of his now warm beer. He stood from the bar, reaching for his wallet.
"Jose, come on. Your money has never been good here." He ignored her, throwing a ten down on the bar and turned to walk away. She watched him turn back to her, she could see him struggling.
"You know Annie, I don't get why you are so willing to throw us away." She opened her mouth to respond, but he held his hands up. "Let me finish. I love you, I want to spend my life with you and if you really don't want that then you need to really let me go because, despite the fact that you said no and I broke up with you. I am still waiting. For what I have no idea, but I am. So you need to decide if you are sure. Okay?" Ana was speechless. Just the fact that he called her Annie, her mother's nickname for her threw her off. All she could do was nod, her lips pressed together in a hard line.
"I'll be back later on."
"Jose, you don't need to do that."
"Yeah, I do. I know better than anyone how hard its been on you, Christian going MIA. You and I might not be together anymore, but we are still friends. So I will be back later." He nodded his head to her once more before walking out of the bar. Ana hated to admit but she felt relieved that Jose would be back. His presence always made her feel safe, like nothing bad could ever happen to her as long as he was around.
"That went better than expected…"
"Yeah Jess, it did."
"You should tell him Ana… It would make this easier I think if he knew the truth."
"I don't that it would."
He didn't want to go. What did it matter if he was home the whole damn town didn't need to drink a beer with him. It was bad enough having to be there at all, but now to explain a hundred times that he is divorced and his wife left him for another man, and his son is not like regular kids. It was just one layer of suck after another. He sat on the foot of his childhood bed, his head in his hands. Luke had finally fallen asleep, it was a relief. For a few hours Christian didn't have to worry. The only reason her was even considering leaving his room tonight was Ana. He knew what he wanted, hell it was what he always wanted - Ana. He had choices to make, hard choices that were the building blocks of his destiny and his greatest regret that that Ana got left behind in the shuffle. And sadly that was always the case.
He could hear the banter of his family and friends down stairs. Mia was there, as was Kate his brother girlfriend. He had yet to see them and knew he was in for a few hugs and squeals at least from Mia. Kate was Ana's best friend, so undoubtedly she would be cold and distant if for no other reason but to have Ana's back. Ana, Jessica and Kate were thick as thieves. The brunette, the redhead and the blond, the were jokingly called Charlie's Angels in High school, even one year showed up in costume. So Kate and Jessica would both be gunning for him, even Mia would be pissed. He decided that he would make no explanations for apologies, he would treat this no different than his business. He would stand by his choices and decisions and let the chips fall where they may. All that matters is Ana and her forgiveness. That is where he would rest his head, that is where he would put his energy. Earning her forgiveness and then maybe they could be more. Over the years there had been so many near misses, so many chances and for one reason or another they never came to fruition.
The air was already thick and heavy, a collective hum of A/C units in the distance. Christian was restless, unable to sleep. His mind was in a million places. He had a choice to make, a difficult choice and he was conflicted. Getting into Harvard was one of the best moments of his life; his partial scholarship for rowing would make it possible for him to go. All he had to worry about was books and housing. All the years of hard work was finally paying off and he knew the moment that he read his acceptance letter that he was nothing like his birth father. He was going to make a name and a life for himself; he was not going to end up dead in the gutter with a needle in his arm. His whole life was fueled by his desire to not be the man his father was and t not be weak like his mother. Strength, perseverance, fortitude. Was his own personal mantra.
In a few days he would be gone, off to Europe with his boys for a trip of debauchery and after that he would be in Boston. Life was changing quickly and he had too many women to manage. For starters he had been fucking his mother's friend Elena Lincoln for the better part of the year. She was hot and older and kinky as all hell. She was also a secret that only added to the appeal. Ana was another consideration, since her mother had died she was a shell of the Ana he used to know and he understood better then anyone why she was how she was. He felt this need to stay just to protect her and be there. Many a night he would find her sitting on the boat parked in the driveway with a few bottles of beer and some Dave Matthews, crying. Many night they would wake up tangled around one another in the small bed or the large hammock after a long night of talking about everything and nothing. He worried that when he was gone she would wake up alone. How many nights had they fallen asleep together and never even kissed? It wasn't they neither thought about it, because they did – a lot. But there was always something stronger between them, something more important than dry humping on a Friday night.
And then there was Leila Williams, the thorn in his side but a pain that he loved. At prom Leila came to him, eyes red with tears and begged for his forgiveness. She wanted him back, the school year was long and hard without him at her side and she too was heading to Massachusetts, going to her father alma mater Boston University. She couldn't imagine heading out into the world alone.
Christian was at odds, he missed her but he had moved on with many girls and a few women. There had been a never ending stream of them actually and he enjoyed the freedom. But in a few days he was leaving for Europe with Elliott and Ethan and he had to choose. He loved Leila, he could see the life they would have spread out before him and deep down he knew the decision was made; he was going to take her back. They made sense, it was the expected choice, the road that lead to the life he was supposed to have. He wandered around his room for a while until he couldn't take the confinement any longer and he sought the refuge of his front porch.
The slam of his screen door startled Ana, she couldn't sleep either, tomorrow looming. She looked over in Christian's direction. He smiled at her when they made eye contact. Thank God she is awake was Christian's passing thought. The closer he got to her better he felt, but it was always like that.
"Couldn't sleep?" He asked cocking his head to one side, taking note of the six pack sitting next to her. "Drinking alone?" He knew Ana was not much of a drinker and the beer was a sure sign she was sad.
"Not anymore." She said handing him a bottle. He sat next to her on the steps, brushing her bare legs with his. "What's keeping you up tonight CG?"
"Tomorrow, I just can't believe it's graduation tomorrow."
"I know, it's kinda crazy you're graduating and Elliott and I are going to be seniors."
"Everything is changing, in a few days I am going to be in Europe with the boys and then Boston. And there is the whole Leila thing." God she hated her, she was perfect on the outside but a nasty, insensitive mess on the inside. She always thought Christian deserved better. He deserved someone who understood why he didn't like to be touched, someone who understood why he was so angry and distant. He deserved someone who would love him in the good times and in the bad. Leila was not a bad person just a selfish one, who never looked past her own pain to see the pain of others.
"Have you decided if you are going to take her back?" Christian just shrugged his shoulders. But Ana knew he would. Christian had a plan; he talked about it all the time. In ten years he wanted to be a millionaire, he wanted to the master of his universe and be free to so whatever he wanted. He wanted to buy fledgling companies and restore them to profit, he wanted a name in society and place in the world and Ana knew that he would have it. All of it would someday be his.
"I guess, I mean I love her. She fucked up. I'm not going to decide anything until I get back from Europe though. Keep her guessing." Ana held her tongue there were so many things that she wanted to say but she knew there was no point. Christian and Leila were inevitable, all part of his plan. "After tomorrow, everything is going to be different; we won't really be living next door to each other anymore."
"Yeah, I know." her voice was barely a whisper. She finished her beer and cracked open another. "I wish you were going to be here for the summer at least."
"I know, part of me does too, but I really I wish you were coming with us Ana. You would love the trip we have planned."
"I know, I wish I could go to but I can't. I got the kids and my dad, you know how it is." Since Carla's death Ray spent more time working at the bar and even more time drinking. Ana was left to take care of Shane and Claire, getting them to school, cooking dinner, checking their homework, making sure they were going to the dentist. In a matter of a few hours she became their mother at the tender age of sixteen.
"I know it sucks Ana… But listen we will be back for your seventeenth birthday okay. I wouldn't miss that for the world"
"I know I am looking forward to it."
"So why don't you tell me what's really keeping you up?" Crap, he knew her too well; she didn't want to talk about it. She was so sick of the sound of her own voice.
"I miss my mom." Ana's voice cracked and a fat, hot tear streamed down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away.
"I know kiddo, I know. She would be beyond proud of you. I know I am. All that you have had to deal with this year. Don't be sad ok, your mom wouldn't want that." He knocked his shoulder into hers. "I hate it when you are like this." His voice was low, soft and a lump formed in his throat.
"I'll try, I promise. I know I say Kate and Carly are my best friends… but this year everyone pulled away from me, but not you… Christian you took a step closer, you're my best friend."
"And you're mine."
"I am really going to miss you, you really have no idea."
Christian turned to her and slowly brushed one of her long curls off her forehead, he gently pressed his lips to hers, her lips parting slightly, kissing her felt like the most natural thing in the world and for a moment all the fears, worries and pressures of the future fell away. His arms wrapped around her, holding her tight, not wanting to let her go but knowing he had too. When he finally pulled away there were both shaken and breathless.
"Good Night Ana." He brushed her cheek with the back of his knuckles.
"Night, Christian." Awash with confusion, she watched him walk away. And then she realized that in a few days he would be in Europe fucking his way through the accent and then when all that was over he would be back with Leila. With that kiss they had just said goodbye.
