Chapter Three
Defining Grace
Jack shifted Grace to a more comfortable position and waited patiently for this "AU Janet" to continue her tale. He glanced over at Carter, caught her gaze.
How much did you hear?
Most of it.
Oh. OH!
Yeah.
Jack tried to pull his gaze away from her, but as Janet began to speak again, it was like a spell had been cast. To fight it was futile.
"Well, most of the base had no idea they were married, not until after Anise brought that Za'tarc testing device here, anyway. After that, things settled down fairly well. Then they were trapped on P3R-118. Their memories were suppressed, replaced with false identities. They were forced into mining as slaves for a world trying to survive an ice age. Apparently they had been just as close, maybe even closer, living as those alter-egos. Sam returned from that planet carrying Grace."
Neither Jack nor Sam moved throughout Janet's monologue. Not a blink, barely a breath escaped either of them, for they were trapped in the memories of their own time together, their only time together, a strange heaven they found in that frozen hell. For Samantha, though, the torment was even greater. For she alone knew those same consequences were only narrowly averted, with the help of the now-deceased Janet Fraiser.
Are you sure you want to do this? How could I do anything else? If I thought there was some way, any way it could work... If there was any other alternative, don't you think I would jump on it? This is the way it has to be. Jack O'Neill is my commanding officer. There is no way on earth I could justify being pregnant with his child. And it's not like we know for certain I'm pregnant. It is a possibility, and I'm simply making sure that it does not become a reality. It just has to be this way.
Such bitter tears Samantha had never cried, before or since the night they came home from P3R-118.
Jack watched Sam's face darken, and saw tears welling in her eyes. He reached out to brush them from her cheek. She turned into his palm, drawing warmth from his touch. She tried to close her eyes to the memories, but they only flooded her stronger and faster. Their first night together as Jona and Thera, taking comfort in the only thing that seemed familiar. A feeling of freedom, of falling, and knowing that it would be a safe landing.
When Sam opened her eyes again, Jack could feel himself falling in love with her all over again. Just when he'd thought he'd nipped that thing, there it was again. And he couldn't fight it. Not holding their daughter in his arms, not with her tears running down his fingers. He let himself get completely lost in her. Just as he had a few short years ago while living a life of lies. He remembered every touch, every caress, every stolen kiss as though it were happening now. He remembered the ease and comfort with which they had joined. Secret promises whispered long ago and almost forgotten until now.
No matter what happens, know that I will always love you. Always.
A promise forgotten, but a promise kept, nonetheless.
"Always."
Jack's soft-spoken reminder caused Sam to gasp sharply. Finally overwhelmed, she fled the room, an anguished cry escaping her, just audible over her hasty exit. Jack looked down at the now-sleeping child in his arms, then over to Janet, who had been silent witness to the encounter.
"Go on. You really should talk to her."
He gently laid Grace on the gurney, and then turned back to Janet with a look of apprehension.
"If you don't talk to her now, it will only get harder." Jack sighed, dug his hands in his pockets, and left the room, following the direction Sam had taken.
Sam ran down the corridor towards her lab. Instinct was driving her now rather than thought. When she reached the lab, though, she couldn't face it. There were too many memories in there. So she kept running, until she found herself in a stairwell. She trod downward, dropping lower and lower until she reached rock bottom. She fell to the ground, wrapping her arms around her legs, burying her head in her arms. She kept trying to choke back the tears, which continued pouring out relentlessly.
It was only a couple of minutes before she heard the heavy tread of General O'Neill. Sam cringed. She really didn't want him to see her like this. Swallowing hard, she desperately tried to regain composure. She almost had herself under control by the time he reached the bottom. Then he sat down next to her, and all she wanted to do was start bawling again.
"I don't really know where to begin," he said very softly.
Sam smiled. "Words really aren't your strong suit, are they, Sir?"
"I'm a man of action. Always have been." He lifted his arm and draped it across her shoulders, pulling her close.
"I know." Her voice was muffled by his chest now. He felt her tremble slightly and tightened his arm in response. "What happened, Jack? When did we lose track... how could we forget this?"
"I never forgot."
Sam lifted her head to look him in the eye. "Never?"
"When that... that "entity" thing took over your body and forced me to zat you... twice... It almost killed me, killing you."
Sam looked at him for a long time without speaking. "So you pulled away, shut me out. To try to keep from hurting too much..."
"Yeah."
"And the distance just kept growing... then we lost Daniel... And a few months later, I almost lost you, thanks to Maybourne."
"But you found me."
"Yeah." Sam sighed and rested her head on his shoulder again. "But things were different. Between us. They had been for so long, I... I started to wonder if maybe I'd just imagined... things."
Jack shifted his position to face her more directly. "If I had thought for one instant that there was a way we could have..." he waved at the air between them, "this, without endangering ourselves or the team, I never would have walked away after that whole memory-stamp thing. Believe me, not a night has passed since that I haven't dreamt of those short weeks Jona and Thera shared."
"Really?"
Feeling he'd already said too much, Jack simply nodded.
Sam mulled that thought in her head for a moment. "Every night?" Now it was Jack's turn to look a bit embarrassed. To her delight, though, he didn't turn away from her. "Wow. I thought it was just me."
Now Jack was caught off-guard. "Really?!"
Sam nodded. After another moment, she looked down and sighed. "So... where do we go from here?"
Jack took his time answering, wanting to say the right thing, but unsure what that was. Finally, he settled on, "That's up to you."
Sam rolled her eyes. "That doesn't help me one damned bit, Sir."
"What do you want me to say?"
"I want you to say... I want you... to say... what you feel...about me."
"Oh."
"Well?"
"I'm thinking!" She hit him on the arm, and none to lightly, either. "Ow!! Hey! All right, all right." He took a deep breath and plunged in headfirst. "I.. umm...I feel... Ah, hell. Carter, you're the best-damned second I've ever worked with. You're the smartest, most talented, most devoted and loyal, strongest, most stubborn, most honorable, and most beautiful woman I've ever had the privilege of knowing. I started falling for you the minute I laid eyes on you, and I haven't stopped yet.
"However, I am not about to do a damn thing that will endanger your career, your life, or our team."
"Oh." Sam looked down, lost as to how she could respond to such a declaration.
Jack gently tipped her head back up to meet him. "That is why I say it's up to you. It always has been, Samantha. I'd retire in a heartbeat if you asked. Or I can stay right here working by your side. And no matter what you say, I will always be here for you."
Sam gasped, then looked at him and swallowed back the fresh round of tears threatening to spill over. She took in a shaky breath, then another. "I - I think... What I really want is-"
The sudden loud clanging of the emergency evacuation alarms cut her off. Two well-trained soldiers rose to their feet and ran up the stairwell.
