I make my way through the new make shift hob. I buy food here and there, trying to distract myself. The faces of people I have never known before smile at me. Some of them, however, frown angrily. Of course, not everyone is over my anti war speeches. I want to buy from their stalls, but I cannot get up enough courage to face them. I stick to the friendly faces.
Once back in my old house, I start cooking. Soon the house if filled with the delicious smell of food. I set a place at the table, but keep the food over the fire. I stare at the boiling soup willing myself to think of something else to do. Just like the angry people in the hob, I am avoiding my own house. Just as I am desperate for anything to keep me busy, I hear the door. I turn to see Gale walking in, rubbing his stomach. I feel ashamed of the joy I feel at this new distraction.
"That smells awesome. Is there enough for me?" He asks, eyeing the pot. I smile and point toward the table, where two places has been set. He smiles back at me, and sits down. I serve him soup and cut some bread while he watches me. I refuse to look directly at him. I know that he will ask about Katniss, and I still do not want to talk about it. I sit down and take a spoonful into my mouth, burning myself.
"You have to face this." Gale says, shaking his head. I bite off a piece of bread, ignoring the comment. Nevertheless, Gale's stern face does not look away. I swallow the bread and fiddle with the soup. I blow on it, but I still cannot eat it. I decide that it is easier to face Gale.
"Katniss loves me. She chose me, if you do not remember correctly. She is just confused." I shrug and look at Gale, knowing I am right. Katniss will come back. Seeing her crying in our window is only proof, she misses me.
"Well if it's so easy, why don't you go over there right now?" Gale challenges me. Of course, he does not believe me. He loves Katniss too. Maybe he is hoping I am wrong so he came come back into her life. I slam my hands on the table and rise. I think I will go see my wife.
The noise I made leaving my old house has dropped off to silence as I climb the steps to my door. I am slower, and hesitant. I know Katniss loves me. I know she will ask my forgiveness. I know I will give it. However, I cannot just bend to her will like that. Didn't Johanna call me a "pansy"? I have to show that I am the man of the house. Prove to Johanna, that Katniss is my wife and that I alone am the one she loves.
I slowly open the door, quietly enter the house, and close the door back. I don't want to announce my presence. I want to see the joy and surprise in Katniss's face as I walk into her. The house is distraught shape, as if it shared in our grief. Dishes have been piled in the sink, and the papers for our party were swiped off the table into the floor. Katniss must have been angry with herself, thinking that planning was futile now. I quietly pick up the papers and place them on the table. I notice a few scratch marks and feel satisfied that Katniss really has been grieving.
I glance around the living room, to see the pillows cushions disheveled. She must have slept on the couch last night. I fix up the cushions, straightening a picture above it on the wall. I make my way up the stairs and stop at the guest bedroom. No sign of Johanna has been seen downstairs, but this would be the final place to look. I open the door, and look inside.
Johanna is nowhere to be seen. However, the bed is still messy from their romp. I am sure Katniss has avoided this room after asking Johanna to leave. It would be painful to revisit the scene of your own misgivings. Any need to show Johanna that I am a man has dissolved. Pain and guilt racks my head and I long to have Katniss back in my arms. She is forgiven. I leave the guest room and head to our room. I hear the shower running and open the bathroom door. I decide not to startle her, so I close the door loudly, so she knows I have returned.
"Johanna, I've made up my mind." She says shakily. Johanna's not here, why would she say that? I don't answer her.
"I know, it was quick, but, I know what I feel in my heart." Her voice still shakes, but gains a little bit of strength. I smile, knowing that even though she hasn't asked Johanna to leave, she was at least planning too. But if she thinks Johanna is here, then where is she really?
"I'm leaving Peeta." Her voice rings out in the bathroom. I take a few steps back, hitting the door. Surely I misheard her.
"I've come to realize that, with my life so thrown upside down, I was thrown with him despite anything I actually felt. My life had been taken from me and Peeta was the only familiar thing I had left. I know you were upset that I chose to stick with him. But I realize now that, just because I forced to forge a bond with him, doesn't mean I can't rediscover myself. Johanna, I love you. I can say that to you now. I love Peeta, but not in the same way. Please don't tell me I need more time to make sure. I know I hurt you in 13, and again at our wedding, but I am ready now, to come out." Katniss sighs, happy with herself.
The room spins and I clutch my side. I move to the toilet and sit down on it, willing myself to find solid ground. The air is thick with steam and I start taking deep breaths.
"Johanna?" Katniss asks.
"Yeah?" I hear a voice call out from our bedroom. The door opens, and Johanna peeks in. She holds a bag I recognize from the hob. So she was out shopping when I came back. Her eyes move from the shower to me, and she freezes. Our glares meet and we both hold them.
"Well don't you have anything to say?" Katniss asks uncertainly pulling back the shower curtain. I was right when I said she would be surprised to see me. She gasps and her hand goes to her throat. Her eyes widen and fill with regret, pain and guilt. Tears quickly pour from her eyes as she realizes what she has done.
"No" she whispers as she backs into the shower. She lets the curtain fall to hide her. Her sobs can be heard over the sound of water. Johanna's face becomes concerned as she moves to the shower. Without caring about her clothes, she reaches for Katniss, pulling her into her arms.
I want to be angry, but I do not. I feel the same way I did back in that basement in the capitol. As I discussed with Gale, and as he had told me, she had chosen who she thought she could not live without. I had accepted to let Katniss be happy with who ever she had chosen. I cannot form any anger at the scene before me. I never made Katniss happy. I only made her choose. I get up and walk out of the bathroom. The sound of Johanna comforting the distraught Katniss fades as I walk down the stairs and out of the house.
As I reach my old house, I know I will need to go back and comfort Katniss myself. Déjà vu consumes me as I reach for the doorknob. Just like when we got back from the games, I had been disappointed to learn Katniss only acted for the games. Only this time, she had been acting so long, it had become nature to her. I feel my chest tighten as I think about Katniss. I picture her as a mockingjay that I so unwittingly kept caged up, believing that her chirping was conformation of her love, not because that is just what birds do. Katniss had been with me just because that is what she had been taught to do to survive.
I open the door, and walk into the living room. Gale raises his head up from a chair and takes in my face.
"I'm so sorry." He says. There is no malice in his voice, no satisfaction. He is sincere. I walk over to him and sit down. We sit in silence. I do not grieve much. I have only ever wanted Katniss to be happy. The girl I have always loved. I just need to put my life back together. I look over and Gale and fell comforted by his presence. I smile, knowing somehow that he will be apart of that life.
