The next morning, Todd awoke late to the sound of the chapel bells tolling. Frantic, he sprang to his feet, throwing his clothes on. Meeks appeared at the door, said, "We've got five minutes," and disappeared again.
The events of the previous night whirled through his brain. Could it have been a dream? No, there in the garbage was the rind of the orange, the empty Pepsi bottle. Charlie's skates were lying in a melted puddle of snow like dying goldfish. Todd drew a thick breath and headed outside.
Outside it was bitter cold, but the sun reflected sharply off the new-fallen snow. Todd walked with Meeks and Pitts, who mentioned nothing of the night before, but avoided meeting Todd's gaze. Oddly, Todd felt too well-rested and well-fed to care as much as he might have otherwise.
The boys assembled for Sunday morning mass. Charlie was nowhere to be seen, but Todd remembered suddenly that he had mentioned having to deliver an apology speech.
After they sung the customary hymns and Father Freddo had delivered his sermon, Mr. Nolan took the pulpit, his hard gaze sweeping over the assembled.
"Boys," he began. "You are all, I am sure, well informed on what occurred in the weeks after Neil Perry's death. The cave where he held his reckless and dangerous meetings has been destroyed. The teacher that encouraged his behavior was dismissed. Unfortunately, as a byproduct of all this emotion and goings-on, a prominent student here at Welton, Mr. Charles Dalton, was expelled."
Mr. Nolan lifted a finger. "Yet because of Mr. Dalton's record, and on behalf of his parents' request, we are making a special exception and re-admitting him. He is, of course, extremely grateful, and so has prepared a statement for all of you. We must remember the Christian virtue of forgiveness, and our duty to accept his apology with grace."
Mr. Nolan stepped down, and a pale-faced Charlie rose from his seat in the front pew and went to the pulpit. Gripping the sides with white-knuckled hands, he began:
"Fellow classmates, professors, and Mr. Nolan: I stand here today for one reason, and that is the supreme grace of God, exemplified through yourselves.
In this year at Welton, I have made many grave errors. There was the telephone call prank…the article in the newspaper…my dangerous affiliation with the Dead Poets Society…my refusal to cooperate in the investigation into the death of Neil Perry…and lastly, but certainly the most grievous – the striking of my fellow student, Mr. Richard Cameron."
Many heads turned to look at Cameron, who looked rather pleased with the attention.
"For all of this I can hardly apologize. There are no words to express my sorrow and extreme penitence.
Yet I am here today, determined to prove to you that I am a new person. I will commit my days to servicing Welton and all those who walk her hallowed halls. I beg of all of you, your forgiveness and your understanding, and once again thank Mr. Nolan and the Board, who have made this possible for me – a second chance. Thank you." With this Charlie stepped down and returned to his seat.
There was no applause. The boys were so shocked by what they had heard that no one dared even move.
Mr. Nolan got back up, clapping. "Well said, Mr. Dalton. I am sure you are genuine and heartfelt in your hope for a new beginning." Then he addressed the boys. "You are dismissed."
Murmurs grew as everyone rose and began to exit. Todd, bewildered, waited with Knox, Pittsy and Meeks for Charlie.
Finally he appeared through the crush of boys, smiling restrainedly. "Hey, guys. Could we move it? I've got kitchen duty."
"Charlie - " Todd started, but was unable to go on.
Knox finished for him as they walked outside, the snow crunching underneath their boots. "Charlie, what was that load of bull?"
"What bull?" Charlie stared at him blankfaced, then stooped down and made a snowball. Packing it in his bare hands, he whistled and strode on ahead.
Knox looked at Todd. "You know what's going on," he whispered, almost accusingly.
Now three sets of eyes were on him as Meeks and Pitts nodded as well. "Why don't you tell us what's going on, Todd?" Pittsy asked in a threatening tone, very unlike him.
Knox shook his head. "Not now, Pitts."
Pitts looked back at Todd, who was shaking slightly. "Later, then," he said darkly.
They turned and walked away, leaving Todd standing bewildered and frightened in their wake.
***
Sunday breakfast, usually a welcome affair, was cold and solemn. Charlie didn't seem to notice anything wrong, but the rest of their table was sullen and hushed, throwing accusative glances at Todd, all except Perry, who was too timid or too preoccupied to do anything but eat and wipe his nose reflexively.
Todd ate reluctantly, but only because he didn't want Charlie to make a scene. The food congealed in his stomach, making him feel sick.
After breakfast Charlie reported to Mr. Nolan's office, and Todd had to return to his room alone. He made his and Charlie's beds, and gathered the dirty laundry to take downstairs. After he had finished cleaning, he out of habit opened the thick-paned window to air the room and sat at the desk. The God of the Cave was there, too, looking at him.
Hello Todd.
"Hi," he said cautiously. Did the painted on smile seem more sharp, more sly, today?
How are you?
"Fine."
How's your boyfriend?
Todd blanched. "He's not my - "
Now, Todd. I've known you to be a moron, but not…a flit. The statue seemed to titter. Oh my, Todd, what will your friends think? No, no, what do they think already?
Sweat beaded on his forehead. "They…they don't know…"
Come now. What do you think they wanted to talk to you about? The statue smiled lecherously. Never knew you wanted Neil, it taunted. Never knew that's the only reason you miss him, because you never got him to f –
Todd made it down the hallway and into one of the stalls before he threw up.
He must have blacked out, because he came to a few seconds later, his bile staining the white porcelain, the cracked tile floor freezing beneath his legs. The bitter smell of his own sickness repulsed him, and every time he thought about Charlie kissing him, he wanted to vomit again.
Eventually he gathered the strength to flush the toilet and returned, Jell-o-limbed, to his room.
"Hello, Todd," said Knox quietly from where he sat on Neil's bed.
Todd stammered. "Knox…what are you doing here?"
"Sit down, Todd." The acidic detached tone of Knox's voice frightened Todd even more than the look in Charlie's eyes had on the morning of Neil's death.
Todd sat on Charlie's bed limply.
"We know, Todd."
The words vibrated throughout him, spread to the tips of his limbs and left a warm pinkish glow. "Oh," he said, and his voice sounded small.
Knox shook his head. "How long did you think you could fool us, Todd?" His lips were small and red, and he kept pressing them together, as if in distress or anger. Todd winced whenever he said his name – it was like a demonstration of power over him.
"I – we only - " Todd tried vainly to explain, but words failed him. "I'm sorry," he finally managed quietly.
"Sorry isn't nearly good enough." Knox got up and started to pace. "And all this time, to think, we blamed Mr. Perry! Well, you damn well aren't getting Charlie as well."
"What?" Todd sputtered.
"You heard me. I knew there was something going on, something wrong. You made Neil into a freak like you, and he couldn't take it, so he killed himself. And now you're trying to get your claws into Charlie."
Knox's eyes bored into Todd. "Oh, Todd. You play that stupid, insecure little boy, but really you're just a sick, deranged predator. You killed Neil. I won't let you have Charlie too."
"Knox," Todd said helplessly. "That's not true…I never even touched Neil…"
"Don't fucking lie to me!" Knox screamed at him. He seized Todd by his collar and shoved him backward, strong despite his thin physique. "I'll kill you, you pretending all this time to care about Neil when really you just wanted him to – to – I can't even say it, you sicko!"
"Knox!" Charlie stood in the door, his face red, his mouth furious.
"Get out of here, Charlie," Knox said, calming his voice as one might with a small child. "Get out of here and let me handle him."
"Knox, calm down. Let him go." Charlie shut the door behind him and inched toward the two boys. Todd's eyes were huge and frightened, and seemed to plead with him.
"No, Charlie. You don't know what you're doing. He – " Knox shook Todd by the collar viciously " – has you fooled. He's making you do stuff, say stuff. I'll kill him. He killed Neil."
"Knox, he had nothing to do with Neil's death and you know it."
"He's a sicko, Charlie! A flit! A fag! I won't let him get you. I won't. I'll kill him."
In one smooth motion, all anger gone from his face, Charlie went to Knox and gently but firmly pried his fingers from Todd, who slumped on the bed, quivering. "That's not true, Knox. Last night – last night I kissed him."
Knox backed away from Charlie, his eyes deerlike in their fright and distrust. "No, Charlie. No you didn't."
"Yes I did, and that's what we were fighting about. That's why Todd called Mr. Keating. He was scared out of his mind. I accused him of wanting Neil, and he flipped out. It's absolutely not true."
Knox looked from Charlie to Todd, from Todd back to Charlie. "But Pitts…"
"Yeah, good old Pittsy. He saw something, and you guys made a false assumption. Todd had nothing to do with Neil killing himself. They never went beyond the lines of a casual friendship."
"I wanted more," Todd felt bound to whisper the truth.
Charlie shot him a look. "Yes, he did. But did you ever tell Neil that, Todd?"
Todd shook his head vigorously no.
"And did you ever touch him, kiss him, anything like that?"
Another vigorous no.
Charlie looked back at Knox, pleadingly. "If anything, I'm the fag. Not Todd. I coerced him into anything he felt or did."
"No, Charlie, not you." Knox paced. "You were the most…"
"Most sexual, absolutely obsessed with girls?" Charlie sat next to Todd and lit a cigarette. Contemplatively, around it, he murmured, "I guess I was. Maybe it was a false pretense. Maybe it was hormones."
"Maybe this is hormones," Knox countered.
Charlie cocked an eyebrow at him. "You can blame whatever you like on hormones. But I'm all Todd's got now and you guys being assholes isn't going to aid the situation."
"Let me see," Knox said, deadpan.
"Sure," Charlie said glibly, putting out his cigarette.
"Charlie – " Todd protested weakly.
"Sorry. Lemme get a mint." Charlie patted his pockets, then frowned. "You gotta mint, Overstreet?"
Wordlessly Knox flipped him a tin of Altoids. Charlie popped one in his mouth, crunched it, and offered one to Todd. Still able to taste bile in his mouth, Todd excepted it gratefully.
"Ready for the freak show?" Charlie quipped.
Knox frowned and folded his arms, not responding.
Todd tried to protest, but Charlie took his chin in his hand and whispered, "Pretend he's not here." Then he kissed him.
This time it lasted longer. Todd sucked in the cold air from the open window greedily through his nose, trying to put all images of Knox's openmouthed face out of his mind. When Charlie finally pulled away, Knox was sitting on the bed opposite them, his face twisted in what might have been confusion, anger, or nausea…or all three.
Todd made as if to get up, but Charlie gently motioned for him to stay.
"Well," he said to Knox.
"Well," Knox replied. He fiddled with his tie, not looking at them. "That was interesting."
"And?" Charlie asked, quirking his mouth.
"Maybe you should tell the guys what's up. Just so no one has any…ideas. Like I had." Knox addressed Todd. "Todd, I'm sorry – I was a jerk, okay?"
"No problem," Todd said, managing a smile.
"No, it is a problem. I was raised with a small mind."
"We all were," Charlie observed quietly.
"Yeah, well, some of us less so than others."
"And some of us have a girlfriend to prevent attacks of sexual curiosity." Charlie grinned pointedly at Knox, in jest.
Knox flushed. "Yeah. I'll go get Pitts and Meeks."
"Better give them a heads-up, so they don't go into cardiac arrest," Charlie advised. "Not everyone has your strong constitution."
This produced a smile from Knox as he went out, and Todd again wondered at Charlie's unfailing ability to ignite and diffuse situations with a phrase, a smile. To beguile with a touch. To comfort with a look. He found Charlie's hand and they intertwined their fingers.
"Charlie?"
"Mmm."
"Did you mean what you said about Chris? I mean, if you had a girlfriend, would you…" Todd trailed off, then found his words again. "Am I just a garbage dump for your emotion, your hormones, because you can't get at a girl?"
Charlie looked down at him, scowling slightly, but in good humor. "My, my, you're a suspicious one." He thought about it for a while, his eyes straying to the open window. It was almost completely silent, save for the cries of geese left behind in the cold, and the sound of someone in the dorm on the right re-arranging his closet.
"Todd. I want you because you're beautiful, sweet, shy. Because you need me. And I need you. Not because I'm horny, not because I'm lonely, but because you're the one for me and I know it and I couldn't give a damn about anything else." Charlie looked back at him. "That night, when I brought Gloria and Trisha to the cave - "
"Tina," Todd corrected.
"Right, Tina. I didn't give a shit about them. I was watching you, Todd. You. And I was wildly jealous of the relationship you and Neil had. He was my best friend; you were an invader. But I came to love you. I had to. Or I'd hate you." Charlie's face wrinkled. "That make sense?"
Todd nodded, wanting Charlie to go on, but then the door opened and Todd sat up, wanting to face his friends with a bit of dignity.
It took some explaining, and Charlie finally had to beg out so he could shovel the walks, but the shocked and frightened faces of Meeks and Pitts were slowly transformed into a ginger understanding. After Charlie had gone, Todd got changed out of his suit and tie and into 'knock-around' clothes while Meeks and Pitts quizzed each other on Charlie's bed.
"Romanticism is…"
"Er."
"Come on, you know this. An embracing…" Meeks prompted.
"…of the new. Rejection of order, science, structure. Dealing with new and innovative ideas, feelings, poetic structure." Pitts opened his clenched eyes and grinned.
"You got it! 'Course, it won't be on the test. Realism will be, though. So just think the opposite."
Pitts groaned.
Knox laid back comfortably on Neil's bed. "So, what's everyone doing for the hols?"
"Going home," chorused Pitts and Meeks together.
"Eh, you're all stiffs." Knox leaned forward. "Get this – I'm going to stay in town. With Chris."
"Are you crazy?" Meeks voiced for all of them.
"How?" asked Pittsy.
Knox shrugged. "I told my parents that I'm staying at Welton for the break. I told Welton I'd be home. Cakewalk."
"You're gonna get caught," Todd found himself saying before he could stop his words.
All three sets of eyes came to rest on him. He hadn't spoken a word since Charlie had left and the others had conspicuously changed the subject. "Why's that?" Knox asked.
"Because," Todd said quietly, wrapping his scarf around his neck, "nothing gold can stay. You want something too much, love something too much, it gets taken away."
"Todd - " Knox began.
"No, Knox. It's just the simple truth. Accept it. I have." With this Todd pulled at his boots, nodded to Meeks and Pitts, and left to help Charlie shovel.
***
The week of exams passed quickly. Todd did well, despite his wandering mind, and Charlie did even better. It seemed he was on a permanent high, even though his asthma had worsened and the school doctor had to put him on medication. He took his exams with unending cheerfulness, did his chores around the school whistling, laughed often, smiled oftener. Todd and he slept together every night, close, warm. There was no question – yet – of their relationship going beyond snuggling or perhaps necking, but Todd knew it would come up, so he went to Knox late Thursday afternoon, when Charlie was giving his daily report to Mr. Nolan.
Gingerly Todd knocked on Knox's door.
"Come in," came the reply a second later.
The room was empty save for Knox. Hopkins, his roommate, was on the wrestling team and probably practicing. Knox was on his bed, writing something, so Todd sat at his desk.
"What's up, Todd?"
"Knox – I - " Todd fumbled for words. "The past week has been really good. For everybody."
"Yeah," Knox agreed, a bit absently.
"I mean, I'm finally starting to not think about Neil. I still miss him like crazy, but I actually have an appetite. And I can shower alone again."
Knox glanced quizzically at him, and Todd flushed, realizing he'd never told Knox what had happened the previous Friday evening.
"And – and we've all passed our exams. You guys know about Charlie and me, and it's okay. I don't have to go home for the hols – I mean, everything is great."
"So…" Knox nibbled on his pencil.
"But, I have this problem. And I thought you might want to help me." Todd tripped over his words. "I mean, will you help me?"
"Sure, buddy," Knox replied.
"Okay." Todd took a breath. "Charlie is probably the most sexually experienced of all of us, right?"
Knox quirked an eyebrow at him. "If you believe his stories."
"I do. I guess. I mean, if I did that would mean I would need even more help, but - "
"Woah, woah, woah. I think I'm catching on here." Knox aimed the pencil at him. "You're afraid, that if Charlie tries to take the relationship to the next level, that you'll be inadequate."
"Yes." Todd played with his feet.
"So why ask me?"
Todd shrugged shyly. "You're, um, the next most sexually experienced person I know?"
Knox laughed. "I don't know about that." He thought for a minute, and Todd studied him. Did he think Knox was beautiful? No. Knox was handsome, but he didn't feel for Knox the same way that he felt for Charlie…or as he had felt for Neil. A gulf still yawned between his feelings for them.
Finally Knox spoke. "If Charlie really loves you – and I'm strongly inclined to believe that he does – he'll respect the fact that you're a virgin, and that you're having some doubts. If the question comes up, ask him to talk. Now…about current prospects…I wouldn't worry. When you fall in love with a person, you can't think about them sexually. Not at first, anyway. You think, Gee, I'd like to kiss her. Or him." Knox colored. "You know what I mean."
"Yeah," Todd nodded, prompting him to continue.
"Or, Gee, she's so beautiful. But you don't think, Gee, what's she like in bed? I never thought sexually about Chris. I wanted to hold her, kiss her, sure. But never anything beyond that. Not until…well, not until she brought it up." Knox looked at Todd. "That help?"
"Yeah," Todd said, smiling at him as he got up. "Thanks."
***
That night, as they lay together, Todd pushed his hand up under Charlie's shirt and played wonderingly with the smooth skin.
"Todd," Charlie said.
"Yeah."
"Are you going home for break?"
"No."
"Don't'cha want to know why I'm asking?"
"Um, sure."
"I'm inviting you to come home with me."
Todd sat up, suddenly very warm in the stuffy room. "What? No!"
"Shhh," Charlie cautioned, motioning to the wall. Hopkins was a very light sleeper. "Why not, Todd? I mean, my family's not the best company. But I'd like us to have Christmas together. And New Year's. You must be sick of trailing me around, helping me clean up and all." Slowly Charlie urged Todd to lay back down.
"No I'm not."
"But I'll miss you too much…" Charlie whispered in his ear, hot. "Besides, I already got my parents' permission. They called your dad and he said it would be fine. What do you say to that, Anderson?"
Todd didn't know what to say. His heart thudded in joy. So instead, he kissed Charlie.
"Hm," said Charlie after the long, slow kiss. "I'd say that was a yes."
***
It was late Sunday afternoon and most of the boys had left already, though Charlie and Todd still remained. Mr. Dalton was coming for them at six. Their stuff was packed, their attire laid out, and Charlie led Todd down to the locker rooms, blindfolded.
"Charlie…" Todd murmured when he felt the cold tile floor underneath his feet.
"Shh. This is your Christmas present. Your pre-Christmas present. I mean, I've got another one, but this is something I've been meaning to give you anyhow."
"Charlie, I don't like the sound of that." Todd padded obediently after him anyhow, feeling his way in the darkness.
"Just take off your robe, okay?"
Todd obliged, his heart hammering. Okay, Anderson. Do what Knox told you. Talk this over with him. Whatever he wants to give you, you're not ready.
"Alright…take the blindfold off."
Todd complied, and as he did so Charlie turned on the shower spray and both boys were drenched.
"Chaaaarrrlie." Todd sighed as he was soaked.
"Yeeeeaaahh." Charlie mimicked his tone, then held out a hand. "Blindfold, please."
"W-Why?" There was an almost carnal look in Charlie's eyes that made Todd a bit scared.
"Aw, Anderson, give it." Todd gave it to him. "Now put your arms up, and hook your wrists over the
showerhead."
Shakily Todd obeyed, and Charlie used the blindfold to bind his hands to the showerhead. The spray of water was partially blocked by Todd's body, and he squinted as it fell over the back of his head and into his eyes.
"Charlie," Todd started to say, but was cut off as Charlie kissed him. Charlie's hands explored hungrily over his flesh, playing with his nipples, massaging his hips. His thumbs hooked in the elastic lining of Todd's boxers and gently nudged them down.
"Charlie, no," Todd started to say, but then Charlie leaned forward and ground his hips into Todd's, soaked cotton material meeting bare flesh, and Todd was getting hard. Hard,for Charlie. His breath came in gasps and sobs as he ached for more contact, but still his brain rebelled and he managed to squeeze out, "Please don't…"
Charlie knelt, seemingly not hearing anything Todd said, and kneaded the warm flesh of Todd's thighs. He pressed a reverent kiss to Todd's stomach, just above the part where the golden curling hair started, and then lurched forward in a ritual ancient and solemn and took Todd into his mouth.
Todd cried out, arching deep into his mouth, sparks racing over his skin. He'd rarely masturbated – he'd feared that Neil would hear him – and certainly he'd never felt this. The yawning, cadaverous mouth, the working teeth, lips, tongue as they raced over sensitive flesh, taking from him, taking from him, taking from him and then he was coming and all that he was spewed out of his body in a trail of warm golden light into Charlie's mouth. He fell limp, shuddering.
Charlie stood, wiped his mouth, and spat. They watched the silvery white mucuslike fluid travel down the drain, and then Charlie kissed Todd, and said into his mouth, "I love you."
He managed to slip his hands out of the makeshift bonds, and then he gripped Charlie so tightly he was sure his fingers would rip through the other's skin. Charlie stepped back a little, startled, but embraced him back, kissing him, nuzzling his neck. "Todd, what's wrong?"
Todd shook his head, silently, tears mingling with the warm water running down his face, and then he sank to his knees, weakly, knowing Charlie was still hard, still excited, still wanting. He couldn't let Charlie's service go unrequited.
Shudderingly he kissed the front of Charlie's boxers, trying not to dissolve into sobs. Charlie lurched slightly, then strong arms reached down and hoisted him up, gathering him securely into Charlie's chest.
"Don't, Todd. Don't give that part of yourself to me. I don't want it. You can't give it. It doesn't matter."
Not believing what he was saying, Todd protested, "Please, Charlie, let me…"
"No, Todd, I won't. What I give to you, I give freely. I don't expect anything in return." Charlie reached out and shut the shower water off, and pressed Todd close to him. "I love you, I love you, I love you," he chanted quietly. "I love you and I don't care." Nonsense words, meant to soothe him. And they did.
They dressed in silence, headed back upstairs, Charlie's arm hooked over Todd's neck. There was nothing to say; there was too much to say. Todd wanted to laugh, to cry, to kiss Charlie. He wanted Neil here. He wanted to listen to Mr. Keating read poetry, to go and lay in the autumn grass, to row in the sculls and taste the first winter snow. To embrace his mother. To do all of the things he had been so stupid for never taking advantage of doing.
They got into their formal clothes, took their suitcases and went to wait in the antechamber for Mr. Dalton. Todd looked at the great wooden double doors and the gently falling snow outside, and said silently, "I love you." But he might have been saying it to no-one.
Charlie, not hearing, leaned into him in weariness. The holidays had begun.
