I don't own anything! Put away your lawyers, please!

Summary:
"When you lose someone, you usually go through the five stages of grief… denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. …I think I may be stuck on the fourth one." He helped her gain back the hope she had long-since lost. IchiRuki; AU

Rating: M (For safety and possible situations)
Genre: Romance/ Hurt/Comfort/Drama

Some quotes are from random books. More are from songs. Others I made up completely.

Inspiration: Inori~ You Raise Me Up by Lena Park, Because of You by Kelly Clarkson, and Saving Zoë by Alyson Noël, plus a lot of other stuff.


Chapter Two:
Missed Word

Black eyes, wild with their fierce craving for my death, watched for the moment
when my protector's attention would be diverted.
The moment when I would surely die.

-Eclipse (Twilight Saga)


Saturday, December 19, 2009
Noon

It's been nearly a week since the incident at the cemetery. I still smiled at thought of that one joyous moment.

The one moment where I felt secure enough to tell somebody about my mother and Hisana, somebody who wasn't my best friend, or my over-protective parent, or forcibly by my therapist.

…Speaking of therapy, that's where I was now. In therapy. Sitting there, watching me like a hawk was Dr. Tsukiyo Katsuki. Her bright jade eyes were cold and calculating. I shivered under the scrutiny. Her managable, beautiful, shiny blonde hair was pulled up into a careless bun. Finally, she sighed.

"Rukia," She started, her voice stern, "You seem… different. Are you feeling well?" I blinked. "I feel perfectly fine, Tsukiyo." She hated it when I used her first name. "Is the diary trick working?"

I scowled. Not a diary. It's a journal. "For the most part, yeah. It's better than telling you everything that's going on in my mind." And just like that, we were back to square one. Her trying her best to keep her patience, and me, bitching at every chance I could.

Some might've called it disrespectful, but I called it a coping technique. Or whatever.

"Has anything new been going on?"

I thought. I really, truly thought. "My father started on Prozac. Again." I only spoke the truth. He hadn't started up on the anti-depressants since mom's funeral. He may have taken some after the cops told us about Hisana, but it was certainly in secret. After I started therapy is when he really went a little depressed. Maybe he worried that another one of his precious daughters would be slipping away from him.

"And… how do you feel about that? Resentful? Or perhaps fearful?" I looked at her like she had just told me she was going to kill me.

"Resentful? Maybe a little… but that's only because he worries so damn much about himself, and doesn't give a damn about how I'm coping. Did you know he only agreed to therapy for me? I'm the one who brought it up! He never considered my feelings!"

Tsukiyo stayed silent, letting me rant.

"Fearful… fearful, maybe, yes, because I might end up just like that asshole! I may end up, years from now, alone, still grieving over the past and how I could've changed it!"

"Very good," Tsukiyo said a few moments after I calmed down. "That's very good Rukia. I want you to open up. I want you to tell me your real feelings. That's what therapy's for. So you can let it all out, and open up more. So you won't take your anger out on anything else."

"I'm not crazy." I said defensively. I wasn't. I was just grieving. After two and a half years, I was still learning to channel my anger and cope.

"That's a bit extreme, don't you think?" She looked dryly at me. "And besides, who knows what mere anger or resentful feelings could lead to?" Tsukiyo attempted a smile.

She failed miserably.

I considered this. Who really did know? I felt some respect for Tsukiyo flicker in the back of my mind. "Now," She began again. "I will see you next week. Session over."

I sighed.

"Finally!"


"That therapist you recommended? Tsukiyo? Yeah, she isn't very good at her job."

Inoue only laughed at my complaints.


"Hey, dad." I muttered, walking into the house.

He muttered a hurried hello, before quickly swallowing some pills. His 'happy pills'.

He must've really felt like shit.

Good, I said to myself, maybe you'll wake up and smell the roses. Maybe you'll actually think hard enough, and remember you're not the only one with a shitty life. I glared at him, before my eyes softened slightly. He wasn't worth pissing me off.

He also wasn't completely ignorant about my drinking. Most parents would've stopped me by now, sent me to rehab, cut me off, but he didn't. He just pretended like everything could fix itself.

Stupid… uncaring… son of a bitch.

I called Tatsuki. Voicemail. Hey, I'm not here, so deal. Leave a message at the beep! I didn't bother.

I didn't need to talk to Orihime. She'd just talk about therapy again.

Momo. …She wouldn't pick up.

Dawn. Now there was a wild card. She could pick up our conversation about my sister, or she could jump to something really random, like how gross some game shows could get. Or maybe something really stupid, like why a mermaid's tail is almost always blue or silver. That's what she ranted about last time I called her.

Who knew?

I sighed. Decided to text her.

Good n' Broken: Dawn. Heyy, whts up??

It took her a minute to respond. Like always.

Breaking Dawn: Lol, RUKIA?! Omg, I havnt tlkd to u in like 4eva! Thru da phone, anyway.

Good n' Broken: Yea, srry bout that. U ever been 2 therapy? Dnt go, it sux ass.

Breaking Dawn: It cnt be dat bad. Ur over reacting.

Good n' Broken: And to think, I thought ud actually agree w/ me!!

Breaking Dawn: Like I said, dnt overreact. Itll pass. Maybe. I never went.

Good n' Broken: U r lucky.

A pause.

Good n' Broken: Dawn?

Breaking Dawn: I 4got to ask. Whts up with ur sig? Good and Broken? Is it lik the Hannah Montana song?

Good n' Broken: God no! It's just… I dk. It just came to me.

Breaking Dawn: 'Just came to you?' Lol.

Good n' Broken: How bout yours? Breaking Dawn?

Breaking Dawn: …My name's Dawn, and I've broken over a hundred bones in my lifetime. Sue me.

Good n' Broken: Lol. Srry. I g2g. C ya.

Breaking Dawn: So soon? Lol. Bye :p

We signed off.

Needless to say, Dawn's through-text pep talks never worked.

I never came out peppy enough.


Entry 3

The snow hasn't melted yet. I'm glad; Rukia was hoping it wouldn't for a while.

Sometimes, that girl is just too cute. We're outside, now. She's trying to make a snowman. Well, I guess I should go help her. She's having trouble with the head.

-Hisana Kuchiki


I watched "Masahiro" with Orihime and Dawn today. They're fucking crybabies when something as common as death comes up.

Or maybe I'm just so used to it that I didn't think much of it.

It was, overall, an okay movie. I'd rate it four point one stars out of five. I could've done without the murders and all that shit, but that's what made the move. Tch. Damn producers. They just love killing people and talking about shit that makes a person's skin crawl, don't they?

Poor kid. I wonder if anybody really does feel that way.

Maybe Hisana's reading this entry now.

Maybe mom is, too.

Or maybe not.

Maybe they're too busy… wherever they are.

I'll write more later on. I'm too tired to think anymore. Good night.

I'm pathetic. Saying 'good night' to a goddamned book.

Whatevs. Bye.


I never really noticed it until I started the sessions with Tsukiyo. But… people talk. A lot. Hisana may have been quiet, she may have been reserved, but she was still Karakura's own personal Angel. She was a saint, a goddess. She never said never, she wasn't a daredevil. She did what she could to make sure everybody loved and respected the people precious to her.

And that's what made people talk.

I could remember, just weeks after the news of the crash had been broadcasted, people whispering. Talking. Pointing. I could remember the 'I'm sorry,' cards. I could remember that little memorial shrine people put together for her. Filled with letters, poems, stuffed animals… you get the picture.

I remember it so well.

And people began thinking. Not just about us. But about the atmosphere around us. Orihime's brother, Tatsuki's stepmother, Momo's dad, Dawn's mom… they all said that I needed space. Not to come over, not to bother me. But I knew… it wasn't because of that.

People avoid others, because of the awkwardness tragedy brings.

So… people talked. When I first jumped into high school, right after the incident, I could remember Hisana's old friends, Hisana's old teachers, old neighbors…

They whispered.

"That's her… yeah. She's the little sister. Rukia, I think her name is."

They said hurried apologies. Tried to watch what they said.

"My little sister's so annoying! Sometimes I wish she'd just disappear… oh my god. I… I-I'm so sorry, Rukia! I didn't mean for it to sound… like, you know… how it sounded…"

They gossiped.

"Plane crash? No, no. I thought she was in a car crash."

"Psh. Did you not see the news? Plane, no doubt."

They didn't care about us. I hardly cared about us.

We only cared about Hisana.

All about Hisana.


If you could classify my friends and me, it'd be put into these terms.

Orihime; the perky one. She was happy all the time. She had a bright, bright smile that was nothing but contagious. She loved people. She wasn't exactly confident, she stuttered and stumbled a lot, but she was always full of laughter. Always full of joy. Her gray eyes automatically said that, and her auburn locks made you think 'sunlight.'

Tatsuki; the daredevil. She loved fights. She loved starting fights. She had been in karate since she was nine. She was the type of girl you just didn't say no to. She wasn't like Orihime, who you couldn't say no to because of that damned innocent air of hers, no, you didn't say no to Tatsuki Arisawa because she'd always kick your ass later. Her spiky dark hair and matching dark eyes saw to that.

Momo; before the drugs, she was the naïve, hopelessly innocent one. That's probably what got her in so deep in the first place. She always used to have this childish, innocent, silly nature about her. She used to laugh, have fun, and wasn't afraid to be herself, to let loose her inner child. Her short, black hair and dark doe brown eyes spelled 'innocence'.

Dawn; the patient, durable one. She could be stubborn, that's for sure. But she knew when to quit. When to say no, when to have fun or settle down. She knew when to aim high or stay low. She was one of those people who could move on and away from grief. She could forget her inner demons, if just for a while. She had dark black hair and hazel eyes that showed the inner strength she held.

And then there's me. The other one. The one in denial. The regretful one. The one who loves to drown herself in a river of self-pity. I always used to think (and still do occasionally) that the others were prettier or better off than I was. And it's true. My hair's black and boring and kind of limp, and my eyes are dead. I'm practically nothing. And you know, for people like me, there's only one thing that runs through our minds…

Miracles? Yeah, they don't exist.


I was quickly getting entranced by my sister's old diary. I used to think I knew everything about her… but now I know I really didn't. I thought I did, which made these new revelations and old recollections all the more intriguing.

So how do you think I felt when I found a letter to me, by her, in her diary?

Shocked would be my main emotion at the time.

To my little sister Rukia,

I have no idea why I'm writing you a letter in my diary. Maybe it's just in case something happens to me. Maybe. Or maybe it's one last shot at farewell before I head off to college. Granted, I'll only be a few miles away. In Tokyo. It's not very far. I'll visit often, I promise.

You're only nine. I really wouldn't expect you to think of anything so… morbid. You know I'll never leave you, right? Right? I can't promise that I'll be with you forever and ever, physically, but I'll always be in your heart, in your soul, and hopefully, your mind.

Don't forget me, okay, sissy?

Goodbye, farewell, and please, take care.
Hisana.

After I finished reading that, I don't think anything could've stopped the tears.


December 29, 2009

"What're you doing this year?" Orihime asked me later that day. We were in the park. "Any big b-day plans?" My birthday was a good three weeks away, but Orihime was weird like that.

I shrugged. "Nothing special. Maybe I'll spend it with Byakuya." Fat chance. Sure, Orihime, Tatsuki, and Dawn knew about my dad's happy pills, so they for sure knew I wouldn't be spending it with him. But even though I considered Byakuya as a god before the accident, there was something about him, now.

He used to be… I don't know. More carefree, maybe. He was still reserved, for sure. Maybe that's what attracted Hisana to him. She needed a big, tough guy to help her through the rough patches, to help her through it all. But I digress. He was… different now. He never smiled anymore, and automatically strikes you as a handsome, grief-stricken widower.

He'd changed from a quiet, somewhat happy guy to an even quieter, reserved man with death written in his blue eyes. A small sliver maturity, perhaps. Or maybe he's still in shock. Hey, he's not the only one.

"Byakuya?" Dawn whined. "Lucky. I wish I could spend my birthday with him!" Dawn had had a hopeless schoolgirl crush on Byakuya since we had introduced him. She was always pining over him when anybody brought him up. I couldn't help but smile, dropping my chin in the palm of my hand. I stared intently at my navy blue sweater sleeve.

I smiled.

It felt like my first in a long, long time…

Sometimes, I want to forget about myself, and wonder 'what if'. What if I had died and Hisana had lived? What if the plane never crashed? What if she missed her flight?

How much would've changed?


Heyz. I'm back. I'm really happy with all the feedback I'm getting. Thanks you guys!

Please don't forget to review. Constructive criticism and pats on the back are always welcome!

-TMU