A/N: Sorry to take a little while to post this chapter! I'm back from vacation now but am trying to catch up on everything, and I'm really far behind in my writing at the moment. In the meantime, thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter! I really appreciate your encouragement. Thank you also to my great beta reader, Rosalie!
To clear up any confusion over Tobias' fear landscape, the landscape itself locked his muscles in place in order to force him to watch helplessly. He didn't freeze in fear in response to what he was watching. I just wanted to clarify that before continuing.
Chapter 3: Tobias – Conversations
"Help me understand your reasoning, Tobias." Kevin's voice is as frustrated as I've ever heard it. "You learn that Tris kissed someone else, and you decide to go into your fear landscape? Exactly what were you expecting to see in there? Puppy dogs and rainbows?"
"It wasn't one of my better ideas," I mumble, holding my head in my hands as the rest of my body sags into the large leather chair in Kevin's living room. All the fury seems to have drained out of me, and I barely have the strength to sit at this point.
Kevin groans in apparent agreement. "Yeeaaah, it takes a special kind of masochist for that one." The comment should probably annoy me, but I'm too tired to care. Besides, he's undoubtedly right.
He sits back on his couch, his long limbs draped across it with that odd mix of tension and relaxation he conveys so often, and sighs. "Fine," he finally says. "What's done is done." It's a phrase we use in group sessions a lot. We can't change the past, so we just have to move forward as best we can from whatever happened. "Let's see what we can learn from it."
I nod. Out of all the people I could have asked to be my sponsor, Kevin was the one I knew I needed. Tall and tough, his dark skin covered in tattoos, he shows his Dauntless roots as much as the Erudite habits he adopted after choosing that faction a decade ago. Most people find him intimidating, but to me he seems familiar – and easier to be around than the rest of the group, with their Erudite mannerisms that remind me too much of Jeanine and all the reasons we fought a war.
Like me – like all of us in the group – Kevin was abused throughout his childhood. He joined the program after his girlfriend left him, becoming factionless to escape from him, and he realized he had become his father. Eight years later, he stays to help the rest of us, and maybe because the group just means that much to him.
My voice is low as I describe my fears, and what was different about them today. I don't leave anything out, and he doesn't interrupt.
"Marcus wasn't in the landscape at all?" he asks thoughtfully after I finish.
"No. Not in any form." I rub my temples. "I assume because he's dead."
Kevin shakes his head, leaning forward so his elbows rest on his knees. "That doesn't usually matter. The fear stays anyway."
We're both silent for a moment as he thinks further, absent-mindedly scratching the stubble along the side of his square jaw. "And you didn't hit anyone in it?" he asks.
"No. I couldn't even move during most of it. The landscape locked me in place so I'd have to just watch." An involuntary shudder passes through me at the memory of being held rigidly like that, completely unable to help Tris. I've seen the landscape freeze others that way before, but this is the first time it's happened to me.
Kevin nods, pursing his lips as he sits back again. "All things considered," he says slowly, contemplatively, "I'd have to call that progress."
I stare at him blankly, unable to form a response. It certainly didn't feel like progress.
He smiles a little, obviously understanding what I'm thinking.
"It's still a fear landscape, and you went in at the worst possible time, so I'm sure it sucked royally. But you didn't hurt anyone, and you didn't turn into your father, and you didn't have to cower as someone beat you. Overall, that shows significant progress in overcoming your past."
I shake my head in protest, trying to clear the image of Peter beating Tris from my mind. "There was still abuse…" I finally say.
"Of course there was," Kevin answers somewhat dismissively. "It's been the most consistent theme in your life. It's not going to vanish just because you're in a support group, but I don't think abuse was truly your fear this time. It seems more like a standard afraid-of-losing-the-person-you-love fear. We all have that."
He reaches out, placing a hand on my shoulder. Maybe he's right about progress, because I don't wince away from the friendly gesture.
"Tobias, trust me. Half the guys in group would have turned into their abuser if they entered a simulation at a time like that, and they would have killed both their ex and the new guy. You did okay."
I nod a little, but for some reason, his words bother me. It takes a moment to realize it's because he referred to Tris as my ex.
"I don't know how to handle this," I admit, my voice rough. "I still love her, and it hurts like hell to think she doesn't love me back."
Kevin's eyes meet mine as a long sigh escapes from him. "Believe me, I know," he says almost gently. It's a strange sound, coming from him. He's not exactly the type to coddle people.
"When I found out Elena had gotten married…. Well, let's just say that was the hardest time in my life." He pauses, and I can see the residual pain in his expression. "But you have to keep going. Tris might or might not get together with someone else. And you might or might not have to see them that way. For that matter, the two of you might or might not ever get back together. Sometimes, it works out, and sometimes it doesn't. You can't let any of that drive your life."
His eyes lock on mine, making sure he has my attention before he adds, "You just have to keep working to be the person you want to be."
We're silent again as I think about that. "Does it ever get easier?" I finally ask, my voice quiet. The Dauntless in me feels like it's a pathetic question, but I ask it anyway. I need to know there's some kind of hope ahead.
"Absolutely," he answers emphatically. "It's slow, but…yeah, life improves a lot with time." He gives a half smile. "I'm never going to spew lollipops from my butt or anything, but I'm definitely much happier than I was. And as hard as it was to get over Elena, I have to say that I love Miriam even more. So, sometimes change is for the better, even if it doesn't seem that way when you're struggling through it."
But I can't help shaking my head at that. It's impossible to imagine spending my life with anyone except Tris.
Kevin seems to understand, because he claps my shoulder again lightly. "Give it time," he says. His expression is difficult to read as he adds, "And if it comforts you at all…you'll notice that Uriah didn't stay in Philadelphia. And Tris didn't come back here with him. So, consider this a trial run, but I wouldn't say she's moved on just yet."
I close my eyes, digesting that, and slowly, something deep inside me unclenches. For the first time in hours, I can breathe.
The others are still grouped in the gathering room when I finally return to my faction. Christina looks at me, and I decide to preempt any reaction.
"I talked to Kevin." She closes the mouth she had just opened and nods instead. We have a deal that I'll talk to one of them at times like this, since bottling everything up wasn't exactly helping me, but it can be her or Zeke or Kevin.
"Okay," she says simply. "So, what's the verdict on Uriah?"
My muscles tense at the sound of his name – and even more when I see him still sitting on the couch – but this time I'm able to control my reaction. My gaze takes him in, noticing his anxious expression and the way he fidgets as he sits there. It's obvious he feels guilty, and from my perspective, he should. He betrayed my friendship.
But at the same time…I can't say he was entirely wrong. He's liked Tris from the beginning, the same way I have. Zeke talked him into going after Marlene instead, for my sake, but who knows what would have happened if he hadn't done that. Tris could easily have chosen him.
And suddenly I realize that's what it all boils down to. I don't care that Uriah likes Tris. Well, I do, but I can't blame him for it. She's pretty damned likeable. What matters is how she feels.
"Did she kiss you back?" I ask him.
Uriah's eyes close briefly as he shakes his head a little. "No…." But he doesn't sound very sure of that. "She kind of…froze. I think she was too shocked to react." His face turns a bit sad as he adds, "But it was pretty clear she wasn't interested."
It's as if all the pressure that has been pushing into me releases itself at once, leaving my legs almost rubbery with relief. I can't say I feel joy in this moment – it's not a day for that – but the pain is certainly less.
I nod a couple of times. "You can still move in," I tell him gruffly.
Uriah doesn't answer, and I'm not sure he believes me, but I'm too drained to discuss it more. Instead, I start walking away, heading for my room.
I'm halfway to the door when Zeke says, "But you know she will move on at some point, right? Whether with Uri or someone else. You're going to have to deal with that sooner or later without killing anyone."
My entire body stops. However much I hate it, Zeke is right. It's only a matter of time. And the bottom line is that Tris deserves to be happy. If she finds that with someone else, it's my job to live with it, even if I have no idea how.
"I know, Zeke," I say resignedly, not turning around. "Just let me take it one day at a time."
A/N: As I mentioned above, I'm really behind in my writing at the moment, so it might be a week before the next update. In the meantime, please let me know what you thought of this chapter. Your reviews do more than anything else to support me and encourage me to write, and I appreciate them very, very much!
