A/N: Okay, so I know Ed's attempt in #3 technically isn't an attempt; it's more like a convinent time skip and a continuation of the story. ^^; Sorry about that, but hey, Al still got away with it and Ed still failed so it's all good right? Oh, and #7 in this chapter will have Ed's and Al's attempts combined in one main scene.

Warnings: Extreme stupidity, Fuery bashing, mild OOCness, swearing, death and/or torture of kittens, an insane Colonel Mustang, and Fuher Bradley as Pride (you can think of him as Wrath, but it works better if he's Pride).

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. Nor do I own My Little Pony, Twilight, Goldfish, or Phoenix Wright.

5. Humiliate Fuher Bradley/Pride without dying a horrible, horrible death (Fuher Bradley/Pride POV) (A/N: this is after Al finds about the Fuher being a homunculus, but before they leave)

"Mister Fuher, sir?" a small voice asked.

I almost killed the speaker immediately and was already planning how to get rid of the body, but I restrained myself when I saw it was the younger Elric boy. 'We need him,' I reminded myself sternly.

"Yes Alphonse? What did you need?" I asked with a faked smile. 'Just try to say something disrespectful, punk. I dare you,' I thought evilly.

The suit of armor looked down shyly. "It's just... can I dye and cut your hair to look like Armstrong's, steal your shirt, pour a bucket of glitter all over you, tattoo an m-rated picture of Rainbow Dash with Pinkie Pie and 'I *heart* My Little Pony' across your chest, take a ton of pictures, post them on the internet (A/N: I know they don't have internet, but just pretend 'kay?) with the caption 'Broniness has been passed down the Bradley line for generations', hand out printed copies to everyone in the military plus all the homunculi, and thereby ruin your reputation and life?" Alphonse asked innocently.

I don't know why, and I knew I would regret it for the rest of my miserable life, but for some reason, I felt compelled to say, 'Why of course Alphonse.'

And I did.

Ed's Attempt (Fuher Bradley/Pride POV)

"If Edward Elric values his pathetic little human life, he will not even think about trying whatever it is he is planning," I stated without looking up.

A muffled (but still inhumanly loud) voice screamed from behind the door: "WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE GETS STUCK IN SPIDER WEBS, BASTARD!?"

I smirked/smiled creepily and went back to my paper work. "Strange..." I murmured, "I have the sudden urge to torture and kill something adorable and defenceless. Like a cat." (~)(*)

6. Feline Transmutation (Ed's POV)

"Soon, Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XX (the 20th), soon you will be back with us," Al muttered, causing everyone within hearing range to fear for what's left of his sanity.

I grinned upon remembering Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XX's, ahem, last moments. Colonel Fuckmonkeys had flown into a rage when he found the shredded remains of his favorite gloves. Without his weapon of choice he... well, let's just say he repeated Fuery's mistakes (~). Except in a considerably more violent fashion (*). The only reason he didn't join Fuery in the psychiatric ward was because there were simply no more cats in the area. Lucky bastard.

Hawkeye made us promise (on threat of death) never to tell Mustang or Al that it was Black Hayate who chewed up the gloves.

Anywho... "I know you don't have much to lose Al," I began, looking pointedly at Al's metal body, "so I won't try to stop you, but I have to ask; who or what the fuck convinced you this was a good idea?"

"The fairies," Al replied simply before slamming his hands onto the huge transmutation circle in front of him.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Linebreak-dono: Why do I get the feeling you want to eat me?-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

I gaped in shock when Al came out of the room carrying a very-much-alive Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XX. (I had run away screaming when the blue alchemic light turned pink and sparkly because of bad memories and... other Edwards associated with sparkles (1).)

"But... How... What did you lose?" I stuttered.

Al giggled. Giggled! "Truth was too mindfucked that I'd actually done it to take anything serious. He took away my ability to transmute anything cat-related ever again."

Ed's Attempt (Hawkeye's POV)

"Good Gate, Fullmetal, what happened to your face!?"

'Well that's not what you want to hear upon entering your commanding officer's office,' I thought as I watched the Elrics trapeze through the door.

"Well you see Colonel Asshat, Al and I tried to perform Feline Transmutation, -don't ask- but when I got to the Gate, I guess I broke what's left of Truth's sanity and he kinda snapped. He punched me in the face, chucked the cat at me, and told me to 'gtfo' -whatever that means."

The Colonel stood there gaping at the young alchemists for a second. Then he sighed. "Where are the cats?" he asked in a tone of resignation.

Edward grinned as he stepped to the side and opened Alphonse's chestplate. Free at last, the two newly resurrected felines jumped out. The first was Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XX. The second one was named Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XVII (2).

Fuery, who had been doing paperwork with the others until that point, suddenly looked up. As soon as he saw the cat, all of his newly regained sanity was brutally murdered and the stupid cat took a piss on its grave. metaphorically speaking of course. (A/N: That's what you think Lieutenant.)

"AHHHHHHH! ZOMBIES! DIIIIIEEEEEE!" he screamed. And then he did something that proved to everyone in the room exactly how unstable he was.

He stole my gun.

And used it to shoot Al's cat. (*)

-~-~-~-~-~-~-Linebreak-dono: Stay back! I'm warning you! Wait, what are you- AAAHHHHH!-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

The doctors didn't know whether to put him in the hospital for the gunshot wounds or the psychiatric ward for whatever the hell Al did with the cat (*), so they left him in an alley somewhere. I laughed.

7. Understand Mustang's speeches (3rd person POV) (A/N: This is set shortly after the Nina incident)

Colonel Mustang looked each Elric in the eyes (or lack thereof) before speaking. "You can't just give up because someone has died; they wouldn't want that. Besides, a part of them lives on in our memories, so in a way, it's like they're still here eating your Goldfish and watching you while you sleep-"

"WHAT!?" Ed spluttered violently.

Mustang payed no heed to the young alchemist who appeared to be choking. "-Because no matter what my therapist says, imaginary friends are real, damnit, and that means the happy memories of them are real too! They're real and I know there's more joy out there somewhere; all you have to do is hunt it down, set it on fire, and dance naked in the moonlight as it screams in agony." Roy smiled as if recalling a fond memory before continuing, "It's okay to eat a healthy serving of angstmuffins every now and then, but if you eat too many, you'll get fat. And then Hawkeye will mistake you for Gluttony and shoot you in the forehead. And who's cookies would I steal then, huh!?" He pointed an accusing finger at Fuery (Phoenix Wright style). "I can't steal Fuery's; he's allergic to chocolate! ALLERGIC TO CHOCOLATE, DAMNIT!"

The office was quiet as everyone waited for the Flame to regain composure and stop seething.

"So..." Ed asked tentatively when he had recovered from nearly choking to death, "You're saying we should stop blaming ourselves and move on with our lives?"

The Colonel snickered and was soon on the floor, clutching his stomach with tears streaming down his face as he laughed his ass off.

Ed was completely bewildered. "But... then what the hell was Colonel Batshit talking about!?"

"I think I get it, Brother," Al responded quietly. He turned to Mustang, who was still giggling, but had managed to at least stand up. The younger Elric nodded sagely and pulled a giant chocolate-chip cookie from Gate-knows-where, offering it to the still grinning man.

Roy took the treat and waved it tauntingly in his subordinate's face. "See, Fullmetal?" he asked, his mirth-filled eyes glinting with mischief, "Alphonse gets it."

(1) *cough*sparklingfairypansyEdwardCul len*cough*

(2) The cat from the incident in #2

Official Kitten Count:

(*)'s: 8

(~)'s: 3

A/N: Okay, I have read through all these chapters so many times that I honestly don't think any of the jokes are very funny anymore, so I need you people to tell me what you like and what you don't! I personally like these better than the others, but that's probably because these are newer. So leave a review!