3

The spoon is clinking against the side of the cup and I know that twitch in the corner of my eye is starting as he lowers the spoon and looks apologetic.

"So"

So? That's it? He takes me to a café and buys me a shit coffee so he can say 'so' like it's everything?

"Ianto, what happened cannot be changed" he began and again I feel my anger flare as I realise he is about to handle me for the love of the Gods.

"If you are going to give me the kesera sera speech then please don't Sir" I sigh softly, "I am well aware of fixed points. I just don't have any part in the next steps. Do I now."

Jack is staring at me and it slowly dawns on me that he had no idea what I am talking about.

Really?

"Ianto, I …" he is struggling now and I felt remorse for my outburst as he was not up with the play. I had just assumed that he was … that he knew all this and to sit and realise he had no idea of the events about to unfold makes me consider another possibility.

"It's not fixed."

"Ianto?" Jack was reaching out, enclosing my hand with his, "What is not fixed."

"He lied."

Jack leans back and laughs softly, "If you are talking about our Mad Man in a Box, then yeah. He lies."

"Son of a…a….loom!" I frown as I fail to find a good curse for him, after all there is no mother is there. Not his kind and I seem to amuse Jack even more as he laughs.

"OK" I might as well let him in. Why not.

"The fall of the Tower had to happen. How else does Rose wind up in the parallel Verse, right? Lisa's little rampage had to happen because only she can cause the damage to the Rift in death with her mini reactor exploding in the…" A small sound in Jack's ear is probably Owen screaming right now that the boiler room had gone up, "the Rift Manipulator has been damaged. Nothing serious but when the team betrays you and opens the damn thing it means I can close it again while they are all playing grab arse with you and Abbadon. Don't ask, look. Jack, I don't know what else to say here. We both know the Doctor and we both know he manipulates us like fucking marionettes. Sometimes I feel like he is the omnipotent God and we are his ants. Ya know?"

"The team will betray me" Jack repeats and I see the pain in his eyes, the thought of it. Maybe I shouldn't have said but this seems to be a day for truths. Why not. It's already gone awry. I was supposed to be just another homeless waif until the Abbadon thing happens. I suppose at least now I don't have to worry about getting into the hub.

Gods, all those back doors and subroutines in Mainframe and all I had to do was tell him the truth? The King of Lies?

"Jack, I've been here before, albeit as someone else" I slide forward in my seat, "The Doctor did one of his 'fake throw and turn while still holding the ball' things he does sometimes. He's played me, played us. Something big is coming and we have to weather the storm, OK? We have to let him have his…whatever he wants from us. He has a reason for dumping me here, thinking I could save her a second time only to fail as miserably as I did the first. At last I got her off the table this time, look. Something is in play, some game he is playing and we are either clearing the road for him or we are the roadblock presented. I don't know, neither do you. Best not hurt your primitive human ape brain trying to figure it out."

"You sounded just like him then" Jack's smile is blinding and I realise he is not even panicking. It seems that the moment I said the Doctor was behind this he relaxed. This fixed point and fluid time thing was starting to make sense as I talked.

"He wants something, only reason he did this. For all his pretence to care about us, I know he cares little for me. Must. I cannot tell you what happened to me, let's just say I paid for my failure to save her, a thousand deaths I have suffered as punishment for that."

"Not your fault" Jack soothes, not understanding at all and I wonder if I am making the right move here, maybe I don't need to tell him. He doesn't need to know, after all it is my loss. My pain. My burden to carry, I can never put it down and trying to let someone else carry some of the weight is wrong, not when I earned that right in my heart of hearts.

Gods, I am so tired that I am waxing lyrical again and my brain box hurts.

"Jack, I'm tired hungry and cold" I finally admit, letting him thought enough of my firewalls to feel it though his touch against my wrist and he pulls his hand back as it scalded by it, maybe I relaxed the security barriers a bit too much there.

"Come on, we will get the meals to go, you can eat in the bath" he offers and I want to weep at such a suggestion. Eat a hot meal in a hot cleansing bath.

How could he know that is my favourite comfort?

Well, now I have to wonder how deep he got in just then, that momentary lapse in blocking. How much of my pain does he see now?

I knew he was empathic the first time I reached to touch his neck and he pulled away as if I were about to rip his larynx out. I think I just underestimated how powerful he is and now as we walk to the SUV I feel his hand on my neck, his thumb stroking behind my ear and the urge to purr is overwhelming as he turns my head to look into my eyes.

Just us here in the dark, just me and my Captain.

"It's OK" he whispers, "I know."

I sigh as he opens the door and I clamber in to wait for him to walk around as I clutch the food containers and hide my fear.

He knows nothing.

How can I tell him?

When he looked into me, I looked back.

I saw her, his Alice. I saw his pain and regret at the lost of his child, could he see my own pain?

That's the thing about pain, loss.

The abyss.

Looking into it can drive you insane.

Koschei told me so before Theta made him leave me alone.