MATILDA'S COTTAGE

Matilda walked over towards Marian, who was still sat in the same position as she had been when Djac had talked to her. She stared out of the window in the chair, feet and legs pulled up to her chest, arms wrapped around them.

Her eyes and face were distant.

"It gets easier." Matilda said as she sat down in the chair facing Marian, the table between them.

Marian barely blinked.

"The ache and pain you feel… after a while it turns to a numb sensation that you have just grown used to… like a scar of sorts."

Marian swallowed, her voice small, "It sounds as though you know."

Matilda nodded as Marian turned her head to stare at her.

"I lost my first baby, like you… I remember now how it felt…"

Marian sniffed but said nothing as Matilda's eyes turned distant and she stared at something over Marian's shoulder that was not there.

It was something that no one besides her could see.

"I went through, what I imagine you are going through… anger, hurt, loss, confusion, pain… and then I had Rosa, and my husband died… and I started to help others… to try and prevent what I went through… although I knew that if it was going to happen there was nothing I could do to stop it."

Marian stared at her, "That is how you started being a wise woman?"

Matilda nodded and sighed, "Yes."

Marian swallowed, "How did you do it, cope, I mean?"

"Time moves on." Matilda told her gently, "days turn into weeks, weeks to months… and the numb ache starts rather than the pain you feel… you just… you realise that youhave to move on… in a way..."

Marian swallowed, "I don't know how."

"You have time." Matilda breathed, "you don't notice that the pain is different, a lot less noticeable, until on some days it becomes all you can think about… like a scar tearing open and your wound having to re-heal…"

Marian sniffed and tears filled her eyes.

Matilda stared at her, "but then the wound re-heals as you go to bed at night… and you have somehow managed to get through another day, without knowing how, or understanding why it still hurts so much on some days, and then you feel like you have mastered your grief on others…"

Marian said nothing.

She did not know what to say.

"You never get over it… but things alter and become more important, other children and other priorities. Your life doesn't stop, and you feel like you have conquered the grief and you feel stronger for it…. But some days it is there again, just for a day… more months pass and you're numb again… and then it's back…"

Marian was silently grateful that Matilda was not lying to her, or mollycoddling her by telling her it would be easy.

But Marian took a small comfort in knowing that although future days would be hard, she would get stronger for them… Matilda seemed sure she would be fine…

Tears trickled down Marians face and her voice cracked.

"I just feel so empty… like I have let him down."

Matilda nodded, "I know… but you know in your heart that that is not true, and if you don't you should."

Marian swallowed and nodded, looking down at her lap. Her knees were still pulled up to her chest.

She drew in a stuttering breath, "I feel like everything has stopped, for me… but everyone else is still living their lives… moving forwards…"

Matilda nodded once more, "I remember that too… but in a week or so you wake up and have a burning desire to start living again… you throw yourself into things to avoid even thinking of it… until the wound heals and you feel normal again… and you smile… and it is not just that it is believable… it is that it is genuine…"

Marian sniffed and wiped her eyes with one hand, setting it back in her lap.

"I just… I am so scared it could happen again… that I won't be able to cope… I won't be strong enough."

"You will be strong enough, and you will do it because you will start living again, without realising." Matilda told her.

"It will be hard, but it does get easier… I promise… for days on end, for months you won't think about it for more than a fleeting moment… realising that you loved that child even though you never met… and other days it hurts even to breathe, even though you feel you deserve peace, for you have grieved and cried enough… but you get through it, even when you don't think you can. I promise you that."

After a moment Marian nodded, staring at the woman.

She drew in a breath to master her tears.

"Thank you Matilda."

Matilda nodded, "It is alright… now you get some sleep and then get plenty of dinner down you when I get around to making it… although I am not sure how much food I have left! After feeding all you outlaws, one in particular…"

"Much." Marian mumbled.

Matilda smiled in a motherly sort of way as she left.

"Get some rest, you should be able to go back to camp the day after tomorrow…"

Marian stared out of the window.

She was unsure how she felt about that.

She felt almost as though the house was holding her together, like the confinement was keeping her whole… she was so sure… surrounded by all the trees and the places they had been… that she would break.

She was unsure she was strong enough to deal with the first few weeks at camp.

Her hand closed around the dog tag that hung around her neck.

Her eyes filled with painful tears.

Mastering her strength, and clutching at what little of it she could find, she ripped it from her neck and put it on the table.