AUTHOR'S NOTE: Mmhm. Well. Yeah. Seeing how the last two chapters were written respectively at 1 and 3AM, I think it's excusable that I forgot about the two-pack dealio. As much as I loooove that idea, I'm three chapters in and I don't really want to bother fixing it. So, just the one pack, 'kay? Oh, and this is a shoutout to my lovely and only reviewer so far. Thanks so much! You have no idea how much that sort of thing inspires me to write. 3 And holy macaroni that's a lot of hits. Thank you guys so much! 3333 Oh, and I promise it'll get less angsty eventually. Really, it will. 333
Shutting up now!
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So I just lay there and wished I could die.
And there was a problem with this. I swear, I felt like someone with Multiple Personality Disorder I had so many voices screaming in my head. And only one of them was Sam's, and I was ignoring him. But back to the problem – voices or no, I hadn't ever really been much of a moper. Sure, I would pout and sulk for a while, but then I was say 'oh well' and get over it already. It's a good thing when your mom's telling you to be less childish, but a bad thing when you're trying to not-think to death.
It wasn't working. I slowly stood up and looked around, my wolf eyes picking up more in the dark than my human eyes would've been able to. I liked being in my wolf form, at least at the moment. I don't know how long I just lay there, staring blankly at the ocean, but during that time, the hole in my chest where fire-eye girl should've been had gotten bigger, and now it hurt. My god, did it hurt. It wasn't even really a hole anymore, it was just this big, black empty void where I knew I used to have feelings. I used to care. Now I didn't really care about anything except her. And I hated it.
Embry? It was Sam again, and I growled lowly in annoyance. I didn't want his superduper awesomely mature voice in my head, telling me how wonderful imprinting was and congratulations! and whatever other crap he'd been spewing. He still hadn't come to find me. Are you okay?
Wow. Dumb question. I'm fine. I lied, shrugging to no one in particular. Sam would know it was a lie because, well, he could see that a bomb had gone off in my head. Of all the members of the pack, I was usually the calmest, the one hankering the least for a possible death-match. Sam could see that was no longer the case.
Who is she? In Sam's head, it was being replayed for the hundredth time: the girl, with her strange clothes and her frightening (well, I'm sure if I were human it would've been frightening. As it was, I had fought and killed vampires. It took kind of a lot to scare me.) glare and the sound of her voice…I let out a low whine and shut my eyes, trying my hardest not to see it.
I don't know. I don't want to know. I answered, eyeing the cliff down the beach. I wondered if I could make it there without anybody seeing me. I was kind of obvious, being gigantic, gray and probably foaming at the mouth.
You don't want to know? Sam repeated, and I felt his shock. Too bad I didn't care about his shock. Sadly, the imprint thing was still working, just differently. I suddenly felt like my whole life was about her – herherherherher and making sure she never got a name, never got another foothold in my life, never ever giving her that kind of control over me. I would not allow it.
Embry. The voice was deeper now, shades of the Alpha Voice. I fought a growl and flicked an ear at him in my head, mentally sighing. I didn't care if he could hear me.
Sam. I answered. Well, now that we've all been introduced, I think I'm gonna head out. See ya 'round, El Capitan. And before he could react or order me to stay, I was human again.
Which was a little bit of a problem. I'd been so mad when I phased I kind of forgot to take off my pants, so now I was just sitting naked on the beach. Crap. Letting a low growl run through my lips again, I let myself sprout fur. Luckily, Sam was still running patrol, thinking about his beloved Emily. Ugh. Gag me.
I need pants. I thought glumly, resting my head down on my paws, sulking again. I didn't need his gloating right now. Stupid Alpha who knew I needed pants. Stupid fire-eyes girl who ruined my life. Stupid world. Did I need a reason to hate the world? I mean, come on, let's be reasonable.
Sam came up to me a few minutes later, sweatpants clenched lightly between his teeth, being careful not to poke any holes in them. Before he could think anything at me, I shifted back and took the sweatpants, pulling them on.
"Could you have brought anything warmer?" I asked gruffly, snorting. "Thanks. You can leave now."
Sam blinked in surprise. I mean, I guess I couldn't blame him. I wasn't in line for the Alpha-hood, thank God, and I had never ever even snapped at him before, let alone be openly rude to him.
I was having a very bad day. Yeah, that's my excuse. You'd be grumpy too if you were in my shoes.
"What? Did you forget how to- " Before I could say anything else that would get me in more trouble, Sam shifted back, pulling on the jeans he had wrapped around his ankle.
"Embry." Ah, there we go. The Alpha Voice. Yaaay. Special, special me. "What are you doing?" I couldn't not answer, so I shrugged.
"Thinking." I stood up and dusted off my pants. I didn't want anyone's comfort or anyone's pity or anyone's peptalks. I wanted to wake up and laugh about the terrible nightmare I'd been having.
"Embry." Dammit, couldn't I do anything without getting the stupid Alpha Voice? I had started to walk away, and he stopped me. I felt my knees shake a little, but I ignored it. I was too used to being pushed around by his stupid Alpha-ness. Grr. I hate him.
"Yes, oh wise one?" I asked smoothly, turning to raise my eyebrows at him. "Is it a crime now, wanting some alone time?"
"Well…you just imprinted." He seemed uncomfortable, but I couldn't bring myself to care right now. After all, I had just imprinted, right? All that mattered was her.
Finding her and ripping her head off, that is.
"Yes." Yes I did, Captain Obvious. Thanks for pointing it out.
"Don't you want to be with your imprint?" He asked it with that innocence that all imprints had. I suppose it made sense, at least to them: the world was suddenly so clear and bright and it made sense and all that other psycho-babble they were always spewing.
"No." Take that, innocence.
"Why not?" Again, the innocence and curiosity and wonder. I didn't have to be in wolf form to know his thoughts – how could someone not want to be with their imprint? It wasn't natural, there was something wrong with him…
"Because I hate her." It really was as simple as that. She had gone and walked down my beach when I was there and now I loved her. It was all her stupid fault. I hated her more than I thought it was possible to hate someone that I loved. Man, talk about a love/hate relationship. No! No relationship! Bad, bad Embry! Badbadbad thought. Must erase. Never happened.
Maybe I actually had Multiple Personality Disorder. It wouldn't surprise me. At all.
Before Sam had time to react to that, I started walking again, not really noticing I was going up to the cliff, the one where me and my friends –ha, friends- used to go cliffdiving. Where were my so-called friends these days? Off with their snugglybuggly loved ones. And half of them were reading bed time stories.
I snorted through my nose, stuffing my hands in the pockets of my sweatpants, trying to do anything and everything I could to stop thinking about her. Her high cheekbones, her messy hair, her eyes, oh God her eyes.
No. I scolded myself, stepping away from the edge of the cliff, listless as always. I hadn't ever been able to sit still for any measurable amount of time. My eyes were on the ground beneath my bare feet, noticing each individual pebble that scrambled away from my toes as they collided.
I didn't even see her. I didn't have to see her.
"No." I breathed, catching sight of those damnable red Converses. I just shook my head and turned around, knowing that if I didn't, I'd be putty for the second time that day, and that was entirely unacceptable. "Nu uh. No way. Nothin' doin', sorry chickadee, it's time for you to fly away home now." I said over my shoulder, coming to the very edge of the cliff again. I heard her sharp intake of breath – man, she really must be a tourist not to know about cliffdiving, huh?
"Chickadee? Nothin' doin' what? Are you crazy? If you are, then at least tell me so I can stop worrying about you." I didn't really see what my being crazy had to do with anything, let alone her worrying about me (She worried about me! YES! The voice screamed in my head.), so I gritted my teeth. I wanted to make her as miserable as she had made me. Except, I didn't. I wanted to make her as happy as humanly possible, but I hated myself for it.
"No, I'm not crazy, but if you keep hanging around I will be." I said gruffly, edging forward. I could feel her eyes –those Chinese-dragon, leaf-on-the-tree-in-the-middle-of-summer-green eyes that made me want to fall to my knees and beg to stay with her forever- on my back. I willed myself not to care. That was another thing I was good at. I had a lot of willpower. I had enough willpower to keep my mother from finding out what we were. I had enough willpower to keep myself from offing myself when my best friends imprinted and left me behind.
If I had enough willpower to do all that, why didn't I have enough willpower to face this one little human girl? Even if I did love her, I was no wimp.
I turned around. I met her eyes. Then I let myself fall backwards off the cliff. I knew in that moment that I could die happy, because I had seen those eyes one last time.
