Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
This chapter has an actual jumping off point. It is my fantasy of how Brennan spent the two weeks between Booth's "death" in "The Wannabe In The Weeds" and his "resurrection" in "The Pain In The Heart". It will have quite a lot of angst so here is the tissue alert.
Chapter 3 Devastation – The First 48 Hours
She was supposed to be remembering the first time she realized she loved him, the first time she told him. For her it was wrapped in a nightmare, one she still often dreamed.
She was sitting in the back of the ambulance. It had taken quite a bit of arguing but given the fact they discovered she was a doctor and the seriousness of his wounds they gave in and let her ride in the back. The medic worked rapidly but with the surety that comes with experience. He placed Booth on monitors and started the IV's. One of the monitors started shrieking. She felt the noise more than heard it. The medic threw open his bag and handed her the bag valve mask and directed her to ventilate him. Suddenly everything slowed down to a frame by frame picture. She took the mask placed it over his nose and mouth and began squeezing it forcing air into Booth's lungs. She looked over to the medic and saw him preparing to intubate. He told her to increase her rate so she could get as much oxygen into Booth's lungs as possible giving him more time to place the airway into Booths trachea. At some level her mind was processing all this information, but she was on automatic. This was Booth and he had been in worse situations before he would survive this too. The medic quickly intubated Booth and took over the job of using the bag mask to keep Booth alive. She sat back on the bench and kept a death grip on his hand. She did not believe in God and had no one to pray to so she just kept up the mantra she had started at the Checker Box. "You can do this Booth. You can do this. You're going to be ok. You can do this." She felt as long as she held his hand and kept telling him over and over he could do it, he could. When they arrived at the hospital Booth was taken to a trauma room. She was prevented from going past the door. They were busy the nurse said. You have to let them do their work the clerk said. Can you give me some information the admission clerk asked? Yes she could, she just needed his wallet. All of a sudden became imperative she get his clothes. She told the admissions clerk she would need his clothing along with his wallet for evidence and could the young girl get it for her before it got lost? The wallet and his clothes were placed in a red contamination bag and brought to her. It was the first of many lies she would tell in the coming weeks.
They found her sitting in one of the orange plastic chairs holding a red bag with the words Bio Hazard in black in clutched tightly to her chest. "Sweetie" Angela said as she reached over to touch Brennan's shoulder. "Sweetie." she said a little louder "how is Booth? What is going on?"
Brennan looked up at Angela in confusion how had she gotten there? Why was Angela asking her about Booth? All of a sudden it all came crashing down on her again like a rain of salt on raw open wounds. "They had to take him to surgery Ange, she said in a very flat voice. "Did you know Booth had me listed as the person he wanted to make all of his medical decisions for him in the event he was not able to make them for himself? I didn't. You would have thought that would have been something we would have talked about. The hospital called Cullen to find out who they needed to call to get permission to do the surgery, he told them it was me. Funny you would have thought he would have told me."
Cam recognized shock when she saw it and she saw it now. It didn't matter that Dr. Brennan had traveled all over the world and seen horrific things. This was Booth, and even if she would not admit it, Dr. Brennan loved this man. If anything happened to him it was going to be devastating to her. Cam sorted everyone out getting them to sit down and making them understand asking questions of Dr. Brennan right now was not a good idea.
The next person to arrive was Director Cullen. Although he had told them Dr. Brennan had to give them permission to do the surgery what happened after it was completed and totally up to him. A nurse came and got the Director to take him to see the surgeon. Brennan didn't even notice him leave. The others did and looked wearily at each other. An hour later Dr. Cullen returned and walked over to Brennan. "Dr. Brennan I'm sorry for your …"
That was all he got out. She looked up at him with such fear and began shaking her head violently. She knew what was coming next, she and Booth had said it often enough. "No you can't say that. He can't be dead. You can't be right. I need to see him. I need to see him. I know he is still alive. He said he would never leave. He said… he said… he" at that she collapsed back into the chair. Her nightmare was just beginning.
The next thing she remembered was waking up at home on her couch with Angela, Hodgins, Sweets and Cam watching her. Her first thought had been she had too much to drink at the Checker Box and they had driven her home, but why had Booth not done that he usually did. She realized she was clutching a red bag so tightly her hands were beginning to hurt. Looking down she saw the blood on her hands and clothes. It all came flooding back. It was Booth's blood, these were Booth's clothes. Booth was dead. He had left her. She was alone again. She had to get them out of her apartment. She needed to processes and she couldn't if they remained here. In a calm voice she thanked them for bringing her home, told them she was fine, and that it had been a difficult time for her. She just needed to take a shower and go the bed. Dr. Sweets agreed it was a good idea and was able to get them to leave.
Walking into her bathroom she intended to shower and remove his blood when it hit her. She was alone with her grief, her memories, with what little she had left of him. Sliding to the cold floor she removed his shirt from the bag held it to her nose. It still smelled of him a combination of his aftershave, shampoo and soap. The tears started and didn't stop for hours. Just when she thought she had no more to cry and she might sleep they would come again.
Later that morning Angela found her laying on the bathroom floor clutching his shirt, asleep. She looked as if she hadn't had much sleep. Sitting down on the hall floor Angela decided to keep an eye on her until she woke up on her own.
"Ange, when did you get here," Brennan asked in a sleepy distressed voice.
"Sweetie don't worry I've been here for a while. Looks like you have had a rough night. Bren. It's not healthy for you to stay in those clothes or not wash Booth's blood off your hands. He is gone and this won't bring him back or give you comfort. Now, how about I go make us some coffee, you take off those clothes and get in the shower. When you're done the coffee will be ready and we can talk. OK?"
"Yes Angela OK." Brennan picked up the red bag and carefully folded his shirt and placed it into the bag. She then removed her blouse and skirt and folding them gently placed them into the bag as well. Later that day after Angela was gone she would get a large evidence bag and transfer all the clothing into it. It was irrational she knew, but somehow it made her feel better. After making sure the bag safe from prying eyes she turned on the shower as hot as she could stand it and got in. As the water started turning red and wash down the drain her tears came again. He was truly gone. She loved him, she had never said it, but she loved him and had never told him. Now she never would. She was thankful the water drown out the sound of her tears. There was no way she could let anyone know how badly he had broached her defenses. She would need to rebuild her walls and make them stronger this time. That meant not letting anyone in. Not letting anyone see her weakness. Wishing again she had been strong enough to tell him she loved him before it was too late she dressed and went out to talk to Angela.
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Full of angst I know and it will stay the same before it gets better. But stay with me it will get better.
As usual please let Kitty know how you feel.
