AUTHORS NOTE: Comlink chatter is displayed in italics. FFN is making one end of my enclosing brackets disappear, unfortunately. Can't see a way to fix it, so italics it is!
Chapter 3Bumblebee followed his two mentors patiently, the road rumble beneath his wheels producing a sweetly calming effect on his sensors. He hadn't recharged well last night. Even in recharge, his thoughts ran wild, his downtime programs stuttering wildly under the load of his anxiousness. He desperately wanted to know how to talk to femmes. How to interact with them. Yet his desperation was tinted heavily by terrifying fear. What on Cybertron would a femme see in him that they could possibly want? What could he do to make himself more, er, attractive? With all the huge, masculine, and handsome mech's around, why would a small, young, only-moderately-good-looking and very inexperienced mech catch their interest?
His sensors displayed images of the two bots using the road in front of him. Optimus Prime. Talk about a femme's wildest dreams. Everything about that mech was insane (according to femme gossip, which automatically became mech gossip, which EVENTUALLY reached Bee's eager audio receptors) - tall, broad, intelligent, gentle, mature, strong, handsome; able to beat off just about any Decepticon attack and packing one of the largest & most fearsome laser rifles of the entire Autobot army. Not to mention being The Boss, a power trip any female was hungry for.
It was no surprise that femmes just about fainted in his presence - except Arcee, she aimed kicks at him and threatened to sick Prowl on his head! Bumblebee snickered to himself. Heck, even IRONHIDE called him 'The Femme Magnet', and 'Hide wasn't a mech to swoon or make comments over anyone in that respect.
Surely, if anyone could, Optimus would have some plan or advice to help him? He had to be experienced enough to pass on critical mission information.
Bumblebee skidded to a halt behind the trucks in front of him when they came to a stop, shaking himself out of his musing thoughts and rapidly transforming. He ran a few steps to keep up with the bots who were stalking ahead off the road into the thick forest.
Ironhide, why would you think I could tell the youngling anything that would make his quest any easier? Optimus spoke to his friend over his personal comlink. He kept his optics down, watching his step as he led his friends into a part of the forest devoid of humans and very private. He caught the disgusted look Ironhide was shooting at him in his peripheral vision.
Like I would know any better than you would, you're the Femme Magnet! The kid wants help. Give him some! He wants to know about femmes and spark interfacing, he's old enough to know and you should be the one doing the explaining, Ironhide sent back to his friend. The grey mech's optics, darkened, giving Optimus a fearsome sideways look.
I don't think I hit you hard enough in the head, Optimus responded darkly, coming to a stop. Ironhide growled at him.
They had reached the edge of a small clearing. Trees tall enough to tower over the height of the Transformers surrounded them on three sides. In front of them was a cliff edge which gave a beautiful panorama of the valley running behind the Autobot's base of operations. It was similar to the 'Outlook' location in Tranquillity most of the Autobots and humans used, but a lot more sheltered.
A click and whistle of appreciation came from Bumblebee. The yellow bot stopped close to the cliff edge, looking down, one metallic foot braced on the rocky verge.
Ironhide sat down on the grass, rolling onto his side and bending one knee up, dangling one wrist from his knee joint. He leant his head on one propped up hand. "Don't fall over the edge, runt. You'll miss Prime's 'Where Did I Come From' speech."
"Ironhide!!" A rock bounced off the grey mech's armored head. Prime glared at his Weapons Specialist.
"I'll jam that rock somewhere personal and so firmly that Ratchet won't be able pry it loose," Ironhide snapped back. The two mech's locked wrathful glares at each other.
Bumblebee gave a shrill whistle of annoyance, turning to face the mech's with the palms of his hands on his hips.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Ironhide rolled onto his back, slipping both his hands behind his head, knees drawn up. His cannons angled on his forearms made deep impressions in the earth. "Get on with it, Casanova."
Prime sighed, ending it with a groan, passing the fingers of one hand over his faceplates. He didn't need this. He should have been back at the base, doing any number of important tasks that overflowed his processor with urgent need. His tired gaze fell on his much loved Bumblebee. The yellow bot was very precious to him. Why shouldn't he spend some quality time helping our his favourite little bot? Prime smiled. Little bot indeed. While Bumblebee was a youngling, true, he was also an experienced and deadly fighter, quick on his feet and with an impossibly fast thinking CPU. These attributes kept him alive. His kindness, sensitivity and general bubbly demeanour were also important assets to the Autobot cause.
Optimus straightened his slumping shoulders with renewed vigour. Bumblebee was going to get any help he could give him. He looked over at Bee, seeing the mech staring up at a tree with his hands spread out on the trunk, trying to get a look at a bird rustling around on a branch above his head.
"Kid, that's not the right kind of bird you should be looking at," Ironhide chided, smirking.
Bumblebee slanted a querying look at the Weapons Specialist, dropping his hands to his sides. He didn't understand.
"Bird, Bee, its one of the words the humans use to describe a female," Ironhide elaborated. "There's also chick, broad, wench, lady, woman, skirt, -"
"Ironhide," Optimus rumbled, interrupting him, "Stop confusing him. He only needs to know about our femmes. He's not interested in the human females."
"Neh. Maybe he should be," Ironhide gave Bumblebee a critical look, "He's not too tall for them..."
"HIDE!"
"Alright, alright... touchy." Ironhide grumped.
The look of long suffering patience Bumblebee directed at Optimus over Ironhide's head made Prime smile. Yes, he did love his Bee. The Commander lowered himself down to sit in a stiff, legs stretched out straight pose next to Ironhide sprawled on the ground. Bumblebee settled down gracefully on the ground in front of the older bots, expectant. The sun filtering through the trees glinted off his polished yellow armor, making him look rather ethereal.
Optimus frowned, looking down at his clasped hands. He didn't know where to start! "So, ah..."
The two bots waited.
"So?" Ironhide repeated, quirking an optic ridge.
"Uh... " Optimus was struggling for suitable words.
"Oh for pits sake, let me handle this. Bumblebee, do you know what to do with a femme IF you get your hands on one?" Ironhide stated evenly.
Bee nodded. He had scanned the spark merging methods from the datafiles. It was easy. Open the chests of the participants, get them in close proximity... and then came the overload. But that was the very LAST stage of being with a femme. He didn't know anything else.
"Good. Now lets get you one. Have any one in mind?" Ironhide asked.
Optimus twitched. He felt like a fool, not knowing what to say. Bumblebee looked like he was concentrating hard. So cute.
"A pink one?" the scout said hopefully with his scratchy voice module.
"Pink. Okay, I did mean a particular femme, not a color, but we can work with that."
"Most femmes do seem to be pink or red, Hide, he's making a logical choice." Optimus said encouragingly.
"Except for purple Decepticon femmes, which we will be staying right away from. Nasty types, those purple ones, fond of violence," Ironhide muttered.
"You would know this from personal experience, correct?" Optimus blinked his optics at his friend with a haughty smile.
"Shuttup. At least I've got more experience than you!"
Optimus growled, "Just because I found the perfect femme for me on my first go, doesn't mean I'm somehow dysfunctional, Ironhide. Most mech's never find their right partner. Look how many femmes you went through before settling on Chromia!"
"I did not 'go through' femmes, enjoying female company does not mean I am a deviant," Ironhide shot back.
"Neither does NOT having a lot of past femme friends!" Optimus frowned.
"HA! You had females throwing themselves at you on a daily basis, don't say you haven't had lots of opportunity. They turned up everywhere we went until Elita set most of them straight about their 'hopeful' relationship with you."
"Oh Primus, yes. I don't even want to think of that awful green one, remember her? What was her name.." Optimus looked thoughtful, sifting through his memories.
"Sentria. I made her scram many a time. No one could get anywhere near you without tripping over her fawning chassis. She was very easy on the optics, that femme. Quite a stunner. She was very determined to have you any way she could," Ironhide grinned.
Optimus smirked, "A few vital missing chips, as well. Crazy, but persistent."
"Yes, Elita sent her over to the other side of Cybertron, and I recall she made it onto Ultra Magnus' squad. She didn't leave him alone either! Must have been the femme type to go for the oversized Leader mechs, she wanted power. I think Springer eventually gave her the flick. Sent her off to some distant outpost. She was too much of a distraction."
"Distraction." Optimus looked askance at Ironhide, "Not all of us let femmes 'distract' us from our duties."
"Don't tell me you're immune, Leader Legend Butt! How many times was Elita in YOUR locked office?!"
"What?! Legend Butt, your aft!"
Bumblebee watched the passionate exchange, his head turning to examine the expressions of each bickering mech. It made him sad that he didn't have any experience at all to contribute to the conversation.
"Enough, enough, this isn't getting us any further with helping Bumblebee," Ironhide smiled, fluttering a hand at Optimus to stop the Commander mech from reminisencing too much. "So its pink or nothing?" he directed at the scout, picking up from the start of the interupted conversation.
Bee shrugged, "I like pink.. isn't attractiveness part of the whole relationship?"
"Yes, it is." Optimus nodded. "From the records, we have several pink femmes here at the base, including Arcee."
Ironhide looked somewhat pained, "Arcee is a touchy area, I'd stay away from her. She alternates between Hot Rod and Springer."
"Right. I don't see Arcee as a good first date either," Optimus rubbed his abused thigh where the snarky femme had kicked him, "Then why don't we take a few Earth days to see which pink femmes might be suitable candidates for Bumblebee? Scout around, do a bit of observation. You too Bee, start taking note of pink femmes you like the look of, find out their names and then we can work on the dilemma of making a date for you." Optimus instructed.
Bumblebee nodded, jumping to his feet and bouncing back and forth on his metallic toes excitedly, head ducked down as his fists punched the air. Now they were getting somewhere! Bumblebee emitted his trademark soundclip, "Lets get to it!"
