(Dixie's POV)
The dwarves were outside packing their ponies and whistling softly while Badger was practically itching to wake up Bilbo and tell him to pick up his ass and go.
"Badger, I don't think he wants to go," I muttered, my eyes narrowing as his feet began to bounce in his lap.
"But Dixie, he is a Took! Even Gandalf knows that, I know if he doesn't join this, he'll regret it."
"Why do you care?" I asked, looking down at him.
"Miss Dixie, Bilbo Baggins and I have been friends for quite some time now. I know him almost better than he knows himself, and that includes the fact that I know he would hate to miss this adventure," he smiled at me.
"Jesus, you're like a married couple," I shook my head. Badger glared at me.
"Miss Dixie, we are to be on our way, it was a pleasure to meet you, and good day," smiled Gandalf, bowing his head low.
"You too Ian," I waved. He cocked a brow but I kept a straight face, only giggling when he turned to mount his horse and lead the company off. I was too preoccupied with watching the dwarves leave that I never noticed Badger bouncing his foot a little too much, ending up with his foot knocking the table and sending the pretty white teapot crashing to the table.
"Badger! You idiot! Fuck, Bilbo's going to hang us for this one," I snapped. Badger's cheeks were flushed red, and he glanced at the ground. I noticed his shoulders began to shake and I suddenly felt very bad.
"Oh, um, Badger, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, really, it was an accident," I cooed, putting a hand awkwardly on his shoulder. His shoulders began to shake even more, and I almost felt like crying, but then I noticed he was biting his lip, and when he looked back at me, it wasn't tears I saw in his eyes, but laughter.
"Badger, you dumbass," I snapped, playfully hitting his shoulder.
"Had you worried for a minute, didn't I Miss Dixie?" he smiled, cocking a brow.
"Cheeky bastard," I grumbled. He chuckled and turned away. I bent to pick up the pieces, and he crouched down to help me as well. It wasn't until we were done that I heard the soft padding of feet.
"I heard the sound of something breaking, is everything alright?" asked Bilbo, sneaking his way around the corner. It suddenly registered that Badger had broken the stupid teapot to wake Bilbo. I glared at him, and he caught my eye, a humorous glint in his.
"Jesus Christ," I said.
"So they left?" whispered Bilbo, playing with the fringe of the tablecloth.
"Yep, cleaned up everything and went on their merry way," I smiled. "Off to go hunt little Beasty and reclaim their 'long forgotten gold.'" I said in my totally awesome movie voice. I'm kidding. Bilbo was looking at me kind of funny, and I realized I must not be the only one to think I'm fucked up.
"What's wrong, I grow a third head or something?" I asked.
"You already have two?" asked Badger, his eyes widening.
"My little one," I said winking. Poor Badger had no idea what I was saying, but hey, if I was going to be stuck in Middle Earth, my pervert side was going to come out eventually to make this whole experience worthwhile.
"How did you know what the quest was for?" inquired Bilbo, his look challenging me. Shit. I completely forgot I was supposed to be a high asshole, and had possibly just given myself away. There had to be something I could say. I thought back to all the fanfictions I read, thinking of something the narrator did to save their asses from being kicked from the group.
"Oh, yeah, about that, I can actually see the future," I waved my hand nonchalantly, a smug smile crossing my lips. Technically it wasn't a lie. I had seen the movie, and read the book, so I knew what to expect.
"Isn't that impossible, I mean, how can you? Oh, wait, tell me my future!" smiled Badger. FUCK YOU BADGER, I WAS SUPPOSED TO COME ACROSS AS THE AMAZING AND TALENTED DIXIE, BUT NOW YOU FUCKED UP MY CHANCES. SHIT, BILBO IS LOOKING AT ME, EXPECTING AN ANSWER. FUCK YOU BADGER PIPDRAGON!
Of course I didn't say that. Although, in my head, it was that and me imagining the fifteen ways I could kill Badger without letting Bilbo know.
"Dixie?" he asked, a small frown marring his face. I closed my eyes, looking like I was concentrating, and began waving my hands in a bullshit manner, practically swiping his eyes out.
"Bilbo, you, and I will join the quest of Thorin Oakenshield," I said in my most dramatic voice I could muster. I'm pretty sure if I were on acid, I would be saner than right now.
I opened my eyes and Badger was staring at me impressed.
"Wow," he breathed. Wait what? Did I just impress little Badger with my fucked up voodoo skills? I noticed Bilbo was staring at me impressed as well, and I suddenly held myself up a little taller. If this is what it took to impress hobbits, I was fucking golden.
"But there's one small problem," Bilbo frowned. I sighed. I already knew what was coming.
"I don't want to go on the quest." He stated, before standing and walking away. He left the room, without as so much of a goodbye or a 'don't fucking break another one of my teapots.'
"What a rude little man," I sneered.
"Hobbit," corrected Badger.
"Do I look like I give a shit?" I snapped at him. He looked away, fiddling with his hands again.
Badger and I were sitting outside of Bilbo's house underneath the tree. Before you go any further, let me say Badger was the one following me. I had no intention of smoking with him, but he kept walking after me like a little puppy dog, and it was kind of cute. And it didn't hurt that I knew absolutely no one here, so one little Hobbit could definitely help boost my self-esteem.
"Badger, do you have a family?" I asked, suddenly a little worried he left his family at home to party with dwarves and a fucked up girl.
"Nope," he simply stated.
"Hm, I suspected you would, given your age and everything," I smiled.
"And what do you believe my age is?" he asked, glaring at me. I gave him a once over, focusing on his brown eyes to his dark brown hair, and big hairy feet.
"I want to say 24," I coughed. He began chuckling so hard that he started inhaling smoke even more and began to choke that I had to pound his back like he was going through some painful labor contractions.
"24? Really? You think I'm 24?" he asked, laughing again. He wiped a tear from his eye.
"Well, yeah, or maybe 28 if it's really bad," I waved my hand again.
"Miss Dixie, you know nothing of Hobbits," he chuckled.
"Well, tell me, how old are you?" I demanded. He looked at me before replying.
"Miss Dixie, I am 74." I began choking, and this time he had to pound my back.
"Jesus Christ, you look good for someone who's 74," I coughed again. He looked a little taken aback, and also a little worried.
"Oh don't get your panties in a bunch, I'm not hitting on you," I snorted.
"Miss Dixie, I do not know what 'hitting on' is, but I can assure you, I am still pleased you think I look good," he smiled. I laughed a little. I was about to relax in the shade when the door burst open and flung to hit the side of the hobbit hole, practically causing me to have a heart attack and a seizure at the same time. Seriously. It was that bad.
"Jesus Christ!" I screamed. I saw a blur of red and black and brown sprint ahead of Badger and I, only to race ahead.
"Was that Bilbo?" asked Badger with a concerned look.
"I am afraid it was," I sighed.
"Where do you suppose he was going?" asked Badger again, nodding in the direction of Bilbo.
"Well, either he just recently joined the 50 meter dash, or he signed the contract," I stated.
"Do you think we should follow him?"
"I suppose we better," I barely finished, before Badger had collected his bag from his side and raced after him.
"Fucking hobbits," I growled. Second time in 24 hours I had to chase after the little Bastards. And I'm sure it wouldn't be the last time.
Author's Note: So this chapter was a little longer, although I can't guarantee they'll all be this long. And I know this chapter got up really fast after the first two, and I also can't guarantee that'll happen. It kind of depends on my motivation or not, and plus I'll be gone four days this week, and I won't have my laptop handy. I might try to crack one out tomorrow, but it'll probably have to wait until next week. So until then, have a good week, and thanks for reading!
