Playing Ophelia
Chapter 3: Gravity
Sirius wasn't the type of person who gave up. He knew Lauren wouldn't agree to be alone with him straight away, so he didn't ask. He didn't even hint, not after his attempt at an apology. He carried on playing nice, and surprised himself when he enjoyed it. He noticed that it was working when she smiled back at him for some silly joke, and persevered. It took nearly two weeks before he had a chance to speak to her alone, and he was surprised when he didn't even have to ask. He had to hand it to James, the boy had grown up. Sirius was certain this was the first time he'd followed his friend's advice and had it actually work.
The larger group of Gryffindors were sat at their table in the Great Hall, savouring the last few minutes of their lunch break before their return to classes.
"The weather's looking good today. We should head out after classes," Remus suggested.
"Ah, I would, but I have that Transfiguration thing to finish," Lauren complained with a grimace.
"I was gonna do that tomorrow morning," Sirius shrugged, knowing an essay on werewolves, vampires and other shapeshifting beasts wouldn't take him long to complete.
Lauren bumped her shoulder into his. "Come to the library with me tonight. Give yourself a lie in tomorrow," she suggested.
"Tempting," Sirius said, narrowing his eyes. "Okay."
Lauren was too busy looking at the remnants of her cake, as if wishing there was more, to notice the raised eyebrows and half-smiles of the rest of the group as they sought eye contact with each other, avoiding Sirius's droll stare.
Lily wasn't in the dormitory when Lauren left for the library, but Marlene McKinnon and Mary McDonald were, watching her like a hawk for any sign of emotion. As soon as the door shut behind her, the pair left behind turned to each other.
"Is he gonna say anything tonight, d'you think?" Mary asked, eyes wide in speculation.
"Of course he is. Remus says he's been biting his tongue for weeks," Marlene shrugged.
"She'll run a mile."
"She usually does. To be fair, he's had his chance and he messed up."
"By running away when she admitted she felt something for him and sleeping with someone else less than eight hours later. Who was that again? Sirius's rebound? Can you remember?" Mary replied, teasing the other girl with a grin.
"How many times do I have to say I didn't know they were a thing? I didn't know what he'd just done!" Marlene protested.
"At least a few more times, Marls, because no one believes you. Everyone else saw it a mile off!"
Marlene just shook her head, signalling the end of the conversation.
"I really hope they can work it out, though. I think they're good together," Marlene added.
"Yeah. They are."
Lauren was sat at a small table in the corner, lit by a single lamp on the wall above. The library wasn't empty, but there weren't many people around. She had three textbooks out on the desk in front of her, all open, besides her roll of parchment. Her quill was in her hand, her inkpot open in front of her, as she pushed her hair out of her face and behind her ear with a loud sigh.
"You have ink on your forehead," Sirius said as he approached, an amused smile on his face.
"Somehow, that's the least of my worries right now," Lauren wryly replied as Sirius sat and opened his bag.
"Why?"
"I think I got a little bit ambitious with this essay. I'm trying to explain Conjuring Charms within the realms of muggle understanding of science. Particles and elements and finite resources. Basically, the idea that the things, or at least their building blocks, have to come from somewhere, so where?" Lauren tried to explain.
"When did you learn muggle science?" Sirius asked, his brow furrowed in confusion.
"I read a book," Lauren replied with a shrug. "I'm pretty much done, I'm just stuck on this one section. Although, it's long enough now."
"It is?"
"Yeah."
"Then maybe we could talk," Sirius suggested.
"Why is Sirius interested in Lauren again?" Lily asked, brow furrowed, as she turned to James.
"He never stopped being interested. He stopped being afraid," James replied.
"But he walked away. She won't admit it, but he broke her heart," Lily reasoned, sitting up straight on the Common Room couch as she looked at James.
"I know, he's a dick. I told him as much a few weeks ago. He's just determined to try. Throw the ball into her park and see what she does with it."
"It probably sounds horrible, but I don't think she should do anything with it. I don't know if he deserves it."
"I think everyone deserves a second chance, but not a third."
"We are talking," Lauren replied, with an air of finality in her words as if she didn't want to be contradicted.
"Not about school work. I want to talk about us," Sirius replied.
"There is no us anymore, Sirius; you ended it. Rather abruptly, actually, and I'd rather not go back there," Lauren's voice was forceful and determined. She didn't want this conversation. She began to close the textbooks in front of her as if preparing to leave.
"I know what I did. I know. Please, just… hear me out. Just give me five minutes," Sirius pleaded with her.
"Why should I? Why does it have to be on your terms? When I tried to get you to listen, you wouldn't. So why should I listen now?" Lauren argued, beginning to stand.
"No. I don't want things on my terms. I want them on yours, but things can't be on anyone's terms unless that person knows all the facts. You don't. Some of the facts, I don't even want to tell you, but you deserve to know. And then you can set your terms. Then you'll understand, and maybe even believe me," Sirius argued.
Lauren let out a bitter laugh. "I don't even know if you mean that or if you're just saying what you think I want to hear."
"And that's why you need to listen to me."
Lauren took her seat once again and sighed.
Simon sat at the small table in the flat he shared with his sister during the summer months, staring at the last letter she'd written to him as he tried to work out how to respond. She didn't say too much, but then she never did. She always tried to keep the negative out of her missives, but he could hardly blame her. He did the same.
He took out a piece of paper, briefly comparing it to the fine parchment she wrote on, and a biro, before scribbling out his response.
Hey sis,
Glad to hear classes are going well. Bradley's complained about me again at work so I'm not sure how much longer they'll keep me on now. It's annoying. He's only got it in for me because his sister had a thing for me.
It sounds like Sirius has realised he messed up. You didn't tell me everything that happened, but I know he let you go, and it seems to me he's worked out he shouldn't have done that. Just remember what he did the first time. He'll be asking for a second chance soon, and as far as I'm concerned, he's not good enough for you.
I suppose I'm supposed to say that, though, as your big brother, and I know you're just going to do whatever the hell you want to do anyway. Just try not to let him hurt you, okay?
Keep me updated,
Simon
He folded the letter up and attached it to the leg of the snowy owl Lauren had bought for him, sending it on its way. He hoped his advice about Sirius didn't reach her too late.
"I'm not sure any of this will actually make sense to you, but I want you to try to understand, or at the very least, let me explain it all," Sirius began, and Lauren raised her eyebrow at the unpromising beginning. "I wanted to be with you, properly. I did. I liked you more than I'd ever liked anyone before. I was interested in everything from your short skirt to your opinions on the culinary pros and cons of cheese. I'd never been there before. Ever. It was totally new."
Lauren wanted to interrupt, words danced on the tip of her tongue, but she bit them back and let him continue.
"And you baffled me. You really did. You'd be completely uninterested in me during the day, then you'd be sneaking into my bed at night and I didn't understand it. No, I didn't try to understand it. I didn't stop to think about it, I just let it happen and reasoned it off because we all know women are crazy. That was bullshit, of course. It all makes sense to me know, and that's when things started to go wrong.
"I didn't see the signs. Or, if I did see them, I chose to ignore them. I chose to pretend they weren't there. So, when you said what you did, it was a complete shock. And it was terrifying. It's kind of ironic, looking back. You were too scared to be honest from the start. You were scared of your feelings, because emotions get you hurt, and you kept it all bottled up until it burst right out of you. You didn't say it, so I pretended it wasn't there, convinced myself it was harmless fun until it was right in front of me, and suddenly I was absolutely terrified of it.
"I was scared of hurting you, of losing you, of messing up. I'm really good at messing up. I didn't wat you to be the mess I left behind. You didn't deserve that. I thought… I thought you deserved better than me. I still do, actually, but never mind. I was afraid, and because I was afraid, I did all the things I was afraid of doing, and I can only blame myself."
Lauren didn't realise Sirius had finished speaking until the silence dragged on. She looked away, at the corner of a bookshelf and sighed. She didn't say anything, but it was clear in the tension of his shoulders that Sirius was waiting for her to speak. He slowly looked up and met her eye.
Regulus heard his brother approach the next table through the bookshelf that separated him from them. His eyes immediately narrowed as his ears strained to catch the conversation.
Of course, the conversation about the essay didn't last long, but Regulus had expected that. He knew how tactless his brother could be. When Lauren began to sound annoyed, and books began to snap shut, he held back a smile. It was Lauren's way to block herself off from situations she didn't want to be in.
Regulus found himself grateful his dorm mates had opted not to join him. His friendship with Lauren was private, for him and her alone, and not worth the consequences of a revelation for either of them. He could sit and listen in peace to the events as they unfolded, rather than hear the outcome through rumours and have to question her about it in secret.
When Lauren agreed to stay and listen, Regulus found himself slightly disappointed, but nonetheless intrigued. He wanted to know how Sirius would try and explain his way out of it.
By the time the elder Black reached the end, the younger was angry, not least because the end of Sirius's story was the start of Regulus's, and right now, he had no way of reminding her of that before she answered him.
He longed to show his face, just to jog her memory of the pieces Sirius had left shattered and scattered all over the cold, stone floor. He wanted to remind her that he had found her there, and said nothing as he sat beside her. He wanted to ask her how many hours he'd sat beside her over the coming days, and weeks. So many, he thought, that it had become so familiar a comfort.
Their friendship, everything they had, had become so familiar a comfort, despite neither of them wanting it. For both of them, it was dangerous. It was against everything they believed in. They hated each other quite naturally, except for when they sat side by side, sharing a cigarette, laughing at each other's jokes.
Sirius had his chance. Sirius had blown it spectacularly. Regulus couldn't bring himself to stand up and admit he was waiting for his turn.
"Is that supposed to convince me to give you another shot? You really fucked up and you know it, but you did it because you were scared, so that makes it all okay?" Lauren asked.
"No, of course it doesn't. It's not okay. It means I've learnt my lesson and won't make the same mistake again. I won't hurt you again," Sirius replied.
"Don't make promises you can't keep. Of course you'll hurt me again if I let you in. People hurt each other all the time, and most of them don't mean to, but it happens. It's not about not getting hurt again," Lauren argued, doing away with romantic notions and false logic.
"Then what is it about?"
"Whether you're worth it. Whether you're worth the pain. And I still don't know. You haven't proved yourself either way, yet."
"Well, then give me a chance to. Just one chance."
"You already had one."
Sirius sighed, running his hand through his hair. "A second chance. I know I'm not entitled to it. I certainly don't expect a third. I just want one more chance."
Lauren sighed, slightly defeated, but also fully aware of where her heart stood on the matter. "Fine. One more chance."
Sirius couldn't hold back his grin as he muttered thank you, but over his excitement Lauren heard a chair scrape back nearby, and over Sirius's shoulder saw a figure with dark hair and a slim physique, adorned in green and silver, leave the library with determination.
A/N: Once again, this was written for Quidditch Through The Ages at Diagon Alley II. The prompt was 'believe'. The title takes a metaphor from Wicked's Defying Gravity: "It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap!" as well as being a reference to the peculiar forces at work.
I really hope you enjoyed this chapter, but whether you did or not, I would love it if you could leave me a review to let me know what you thought, and how I'm doing :) Thank you in advance!
