A/N: Oh my god. Two chapters in consecutive days. The world is going mad. Also, there's all kinds of plot in this chapter and semi-questionable content. Unfortunately, the questionable has nothing to do with Rose or Scorpius. Sorry everyone.
Also, shout outs to Prunella7, FairyLightsAndGlitter, and Schnurrbart for reviewing.
Chapter Three - Welcome to Wonderland
"NEWTs are not to be trifled with," Professor Longbottom said, brandishing a garishly pink flower at us, a week shy of Halloween. There were only twenty seventh years who had opted to take NEWT level Herbology, and subsequently we all had class together.
After Professor Longbottom had saved Rose, Al, and me from detention in fifth year, and in fact, he gave us 150 points in the process, the lot of us had decided we owed him a great debt and had carried onto NEWT levels. In the midst of sixth year, Professor Longbottom had discovered that Will, Sam, Dylan, and Em had been part of our gang and had taken an immediate liking to the four of them as well. I wasn't quite sure what the Slytherins had done to him when he was in school, but whenever I mentioned his name at home, my very Slytherin parents both got twitchy and looked ashamed, so I was sure it was nothing good.
"Professor?" the annoying Ravenclaw from dinner asked.
"Yes Ioan?" Professor Longbottom replied.
"It's widely known that you were part of Dumbledore's Army when you were in school here, so do you know anything about the graves of the founders?" the annoying Ravenclaw, Ioan, asked.
Professor Longbottom stared at Ioan for a long moment. "I know there are many unplumbed depths in Hogwarts, and I know nothing about any of them. I do know that it has absolutely no bearing on your Herbology NEWTs, so if you wouldn't mind paying attention."
Ioan stared back at the central table.
While Professor Longbottom lectured us on the finer points of which semi-sentient plants had medicinal qualities, I noticed Rose staring at Ioan. I knew from personal experience that Rose's stares made a person feel as though they were entirely naked and being judged harshly. Ioan seemed to be undergoing the same symptoms and would glance over at her every so often and then get skittish and look away.
"Why is she just…staring?" Sam whispered halfway through the class.
"I'm supposed to know the answer?" I replied.
"You're better at girls than I am," Sam pointed out.
I gave him a pitying look. "You know that's sad on every level, right?"
"Yeah," Sam replied, poking at the plant in front of him. It immediately came to life and spat noxious orange liquid at both of us.
"Is it me…" I asked while pink fairies started dancing across my vision.
"It tasted like watermelons," Sam replied before he griped my arm and pointed at a floating purple cat wearing a happy grin. "Holy shit it's the Cheshire Cat!"
"What is the Cheshire Cat?" I demanded while the purple cat slowly faded, leaving only a grin.
"Oi," Professor Longbottom said, giving the two of us a confused look. While I stared at him, he grew a spectacular moustache and then promptly turned into a walrus.
"No, no," Sam admonished, shaking his finger at Professor Longbottom. "Those baby clams were innocent, you monster!"
"Are you two okay?" Will asked, raising his eyebrow and sprouting into an Ace of Spades.
"We call that Jabberwocky Juice," Professor Longbottom explained. "It's more recreational than medicinal. Mr Corner, would you mind escorting the two of them to the hospital wing?"
"He's a bloody playing card!" I exclaimed.
"Miss Weasley?" Professor Longbottom the walrus offered.
Sam and I exchanged looks and then turned to stare at Rose. While we stared, her red hair coiled itself into a crown and her school uniform turned into a red ball gown covered in hearts.
"At least she's still human?" Sam said with a shrug.
I nodded in agreement and Rose steered both of us out of the greenhouse by the elbows.
"You two do realise you're on drugs right now, don't you?" she asked.
"I had come to that conclusion, yes," I replied. "Why would they call it Jabberwocky Juice?"
"Because everything we're seeing is from Alice in Wonderland," Sam said, batting away a fly made out of bread. "I bet this is what Lewis Carroll was on when he wrote it."
"I still have no idea what you're talking about," I replied.
"It's a book," Sam explained. "Your Majesty Queen of Hearts, why were you staring at Ioan?"
Rose considered Sam and then me for a long moment before she steered us into the hospital wing.
"He's a right prat," Sam babbled. "Talking about wanting to be the Chosen One. I call bull – JABBERWOCKY!"
I saw the scaly dragon-like creature he was pointing at and ducked under the nearest bed. Sam hit the floor next to me, completely unconscious. I got one more look at the jabberwocky and then nothing.
OOooOOooOOooOO
When I woke up, I was still in the hospital wing. My stomach felt like it was full of acid and I was relatively convinced my brain was going to escape through my eye sockets at its earliest convenience.
"Ah Mr Malfoy," the nurse said, raising one eyebrow at me and making a 'tut-tut' noise in the back of her throat. "Jabberwocky Juice is a strictly controlled substance."
"Yeah," I replied, trying to feign interest.
"Collected properly, the sap can be distilled into a powerful analgesic, but in its un-tampered form, it's quite the psychotropic," she continued.
"I noticed," I replied.
"Now just what made you decide that taking Jabberwocky Juice recreationally was a good idea?" she asked.
I tried to focus on her face but found it quite difficult. The aftereffects were decidedly worse than the worst hangover I'd had.
"It was an accident," I managed to explain. "My friend poked the plant when we were in Herbology."
"That would be Mr Baker?" the nurse enquired, nodding towards the next bed where Sam was snoring, his sandy hair sticking up from the pillow.
"That's the one," I agreed.
"He got it much worse than you did," she replied.
"Is he alright?" I asked.
The nurse waved her hand dismissively and bustled off to give me pepper up potion. On her return, a small pack of pygmy puffs rolled across the floor, collecting dust on their way by. The nurse shouted excessive profanity at the lot of them and then handed me a spoonful of the potion.
By the time the steam had stopped pouring out of my ears, Sam had woken. After she gave him the potion and she had treated us to a half hour lecture on the dangers of habit forming hallucinogenic drugs, we were released from the hospital.
By mutual agreement, we made our way to the classroom. Once there, we found that everyone else had also decided it was the best place to be.
"Are you two okay?" Dylan asked from his perch on a desk.
"Fine," I replied, falling into my standard chair and opening my book on Ravenclaw. "We've only got two weeks until Hogsmead. Sam, how's the charm coming?"
"It's going well," Sam said, shaking his head for a moment to clear it of the last images from the Jabberwocky Juice before he dug his charms notebook out of a desk and started rambling about the ins and outs of his charm.
"So what do you lot want me to do while you're all off searching Ravenclaw's grave for Ravenclaw?" Em asked.
"Make sure Ioan isn't getting close to any useful information," Will said.
"I can do that," Rose offered.
"Why would you volunteer to spend more time around that git than strictly necessary?" Will asked.
"Oh come on," Rose scoffed. "The only reason you lot let me join you in the first place was so I could be the distraction. What sort of distraction would I be if I didn't also handle the information extraction part?"
She smiled innocently at Will, but her warm brown eyes were clearly intent on something far less innocent.
"You fancy him," I accused.
Rose turned and raised her eyebrow at me. "I do not."
"He does have certain…charms…" Dylan admitted.
"Like what?" Al growled, glaring at Dylan. "Wearing his trousers too tight?"
"Well, that certainly doesn't hurt anything," Rose replied.
"You do fancy him," I said, mildly disgusted with her.
"Wow," Em mumbled. "Scor, Sam, glad you're both okay with the drugs thing." She glanced between Al's glare at Dylan and my disgusted look at Rose. "I'll just be going to dinner."
"I'll come with you," Will said, running after her. Sam kept scribbling in his charms notebook.
The moment Will and Em were gone, Rose smiled maliciously at me.
"I don't fancy Ioan," she said. "I just think he's fit."
"You also think I'm fit," I said, completely unsure why I was angry.
"Only on the rare occasion you aren't speaking and aren't wearing clothes," Rose replied coolly. "And since that's not something that happens ever, no, I don't."
I gaped at her indignantly while Al climbed to his feet and kept glaring at Dylan.
"Ioan's only charm is being an arse," Al said, completely ignoring both me and Rose.
"Maybe," Dylan conceded. "But Rose is right. He is fit."
"You are the shallowest person I have ever met," Al snapped.
Despite whatever had just transpired between Rose and me, we exchanged concerned glances and backed towards the door together.
"That would explain why I've been in a relationship with you for two years," Dylan replied like he was completely unconcerned.
"I'm more than just some pretty face," Al insisted. I had to wonder if he hated himself for using the words "pretty face" to describe himself in an argument. I certainly would have.
"Yeah," Dylan agreed, finally getting angry. "You also come complete with a raging shit storm of substance abuse problems!"
"And they're my problems!" Al yelled.
"That's not how a relationship works," Dylan exclaimed.
"Then maybe we shouldn't be in one!" Al shouted.
A very ugly and uncomfortable silence fell over the classroom. Even the pygmy puff parliament stopped squeaking and Sam's quill stopped scratching.
Al and Dylan stared at each other with burningly intense gazes for a long moment, and then Al turned and stormed out of the classroom, slamming the door behind him. The noise echoed around the room.
Dylan very calmly stood up off his desk and straightened his jumper. "Sorry the three of you had to witness that," he said in a slightly strangled tone. "I'll see you all tomorrow."
He walked out of the classroom stiffly and with perfect reserve, but before the door could swing shut, I heard him kick over a suit of armour.
Rose and I exchanged worried looks while Sam stared at the closed door with a confused expression on his face.
"Do you want Al or Dylan?" Rose asked finally.
"I live with Al," I said. "I suppose it's easier that way."
Rose nodded and left the room in the same direction Dylan had gone.
"What just happened?" Sam asked.
"They just broke up," I explained. "I think. I'm going to go make sure Al isn't going to overdose on something."
OOooOOooOOooOO
Fortunately, Al did not overdose on anything. Unfortunately, it wasn't for lack of trying. For the first time since my grandfather had checked into rehab, I found myself digging through someone else's things to remove every single substance that could be used to the end of self-harm.
"You could just tell the press that Harry Potter's son has a drinking problem," Al grumbled while he watched me pour his Firewhiskey down the sink. He wasn't putting up a fight, which I considered to be a good sign. However, he was certainly not happy with the intervention.
"I'm above blackmail," I replied. "Remember? It's how we ended up being friends."
Al grumbled and lurked off to the common room.
He and Dylan hadn't spoken to each other since their fight. For the rest of us, it was increasingly unpleasant to be in a room with both of them since they would glare daggers at each other whenever possible. The glaring was punctuated by desperate, pleading looks that seemed to keep missing each other.
"I've really got to stay here and babysit Al?" Em asked at the Hogsmead weekend.
"Remember when Grandfather Greengrass had to be checked into rehab?" I asked.
"Your grandfather's surname was Greengrass?" Al asked, looking somewhere between amused and nauseated.
"Fine," Em said, grabbing Al by the arm. "Come on, Al. We'll go get food and then research things."
"Goody," Al grumbled, following her to the dining hall.
Once the two of them were gone the rest of us took stock.
"And Rose, you're set to go make sure Ioan doesn't figure anything out in our absence, right?" Dylan asked.
I was pretty sure he was handling the breakup better than Al.
"Yeah," Rose agreed, smoothing the skirt on her very low-cut dress. She was wearing a necklace that immediately drew the eyes downwards. "I'll go now if Scorpius can stand to pull his eyes out of my tits."
I gave her a sour look and then turned away.
"Good luck, boys," she said, and then she spun on her high heels and headed for Hogsmead.
Will, Sam, Dylan, and I only got as far as the front gates before we disapparated. According to the school rules, leaving Hogwarts and going anywhere besides Hogsmead was strictly prohibited. There was a time when the very idea of breaking a school rule would've made me cringe.
We appeared next to a ruined castle on the banks of a stunningly cold loch.
"Hogwarts is farther north than this and somehow it's colder here!" Will exclaimed, pulling his jacket closer.
"Pansy," Dylan replied, heading for the ruined castle. "You're from somewhere painfully warm aren't you?"
"Guernsey," Will replied.
"Doesn't that make you practically French?" Dylan asked, raising an eyebrow at him and smirking.
"Oh fuck you," Will said, leading the way over one of the ruined walls. "Sam, we could use that locator spell of yours."
"Okay!" Sam exclaimed enthusiastically, pulling out his wand and performing some complicated motion I didn't follow.
A shimmery blue light appeared from the end of his wand and floated over the ruins until it focused in on a small hillock in the middle of what had once been the keep. The four of us headed towards it, clambering over felled walls and stones until we got to the hill. Once there, Dylan and I levitated the thick chunk of rock set into the top. As soon as it had lifted a few feet, Sam pointed his wand at the hollow underneath.
"Phaino toe somati," he commanded.
The ground rumbled and everything around us shook, except for the levitated stone. After a moment, the hillside stood still.
"There's no body there," Sam said decisively. "There never was."
"That's assuming your charm worked correctly," Will replied.
"Of course it worked correctly," Dylan said. "It's Sam and charms."
"Thanks," Sam said, smiling genially at Dylan. Dylan nodded and the two of us lowered the rock back into its original spot.
"So if there was never a body in her supposed grave," I started.
"Maybe it really is in Hogwarts after all," Dylan finished.
The four of us exchanged looks for a moment, and then as one, we disapparated.
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