A/N: As an early writer, I'd be most grateful for any and all reviews, so please, share your thoughts with me and I'll keep you satisfied with my writings. Prepare for third year...
Harry opened the door to Snape's private quarters and stepped inside.
"Dad?" he called.
Severus stepped out of his study, wiping his hands on a cloth.
"Sit down," he instructed, gesturing to the sofa in the living room.
"What did you want to talk to me about?" Severus had informed Harry of his desire to speak to him, earlier in the day, by giving him a "detention" in Potions, as per usual.
"I hear you've spent some time speaking to Professor Lupin."
Harry shifted his head curiously. "Yeah; what of it?"
"I want you to be more careful; that man is not all he says he is."
Harry shrugged. "He doesn't seem dangerous."
The Potions Master standing over him gave him a sharp look. "I mean it, Harry. You are to stay away from him; try avoiding situations where you are alone with him."
"Why?"
Severus crossed his arms. "That is not your concern. And I will take no more objections, young man. This is for your own good."
Harry shrugged. "Whatever. Fine."
Satisfied for now, Severus let the matter drop. "Good. Now, let us address that atrocity of a potion's essay you handed in recently. You know better than that. You'll spend the rest of your "detention" rewriting it."
Harry sighed loudly, but after a quick glance at the frown on his father's face, he got to work.
Harry did try to heed his father's words, but Professor Lupin was just so open and friendly, not to mention he was brilliant at teaching Defense, and that made it hard to try and avoid him. There was just something about him that made Harry want to trust him. He knew he should listen to his father, but he liked Professor Lupin and there was nothing about the man that screamed "dangerous," so the directive was moved to the back of his mind. Consequently, following the lesson on Boggarts, when Professor Lupin asked for Harry to stay for a moment, he complied.
It's not like I should refuse a teacher, he thought, intending to use it as an excuse if his father inquired after the incident. Nonetheless, that was not the real reason he stayed. He wished to know why the professor had not let him face the boggart.
"So, Harry, you wanted to know why I pulled you away from the boggart, didn't you?" Professor Lupin said, reading Harry correctly. Harry nodded in response. He listened carefully to his professor's explanation, meanwhile trying to figure out why his father mistrusted the man.
After explaining what his boggart actually was, reminded of the dementor on the train, a thought came to him, leading to him ask,
"What you did on the train…"
"It's called a Patronus, Harry. It wards off dementors. Despite its status as an O.W.L. Level charm, considering your severe reaction to their influence, I could give you private lessons on casting a Patronus, if you like."
Harry shifted uncomfortably. He didn't really want to refuse, but he was sure his father would not be happy with him having private lessons with Professor Lupin, if he didn't even want him to be alone with the wizard.
"I'll think about it," he replied, instead.
Professor Lupin smiled at him. "That's alright." He leaned back against his desk. "You know, you remind me a lot of your father." For a moment, Harry panicked. How does he know? No one is supposed to know! he thought. Then, he realized what his teacher meant. Of course. He means James. Harry's interests peaked again.
"Did you know him?"
Remus nodded. "We were in the same year. I was one of your father's closest friends."
Harry smiled. "Really?" He was always looking for people who could tell him about his parents. His dad had encouraged this, making it clear he wanted Harry to have parents he could picture and have some idea of their persons. His dad had supplied quite a few stories of his mum from their childhood together, himself. Though refusing to impart anything of James himself, he encouraged Harry to look elsewhere for stories on his father. But Harry had a new dad now, and, at eleven, had not felt it necessary to go after tales of a father he'd never known, when he had a real one there for him. However, now, Harry was older and was curious again about the kind of man his father was; he was, therefore, intrigued by what this man had to say. He wanted to know all about his father's school days, his relationship with his mum, his friends and hobbies (aside from quidditch, of course,) but first, there was something he needed to know. If this man knew James Potter as much as he claimed, maybe he could clear something up for Harry.
"Do you know why Professor Snape hates me so much? I know it has something to do with my father." It hurt Harry a little to say it like this – he hated the charade he had to put up – but there was no other way for him to ask without arousing suspicion. Remus looked at him and sighed.
"It's a pretty sensitive topic, and quite complicated. Perhaps I'll explain it to you another time."
Harry frowned. "I just want to understand what I can do to improve how he treats me in class. I feel I could better in Potions if he didn't hate me. Maybe you can explain just a little?"
Remus, who was already looking flustered, turned and picked up some parchment from his desk, shuffling it in his hands. "You know, Harry. I have a lot to do now, how about you come to me a different time?" His voice was still kind, though now, it sounded more a cover to mask whatever he was unwilling to share.
With an internal sigh, Harry tried something else. "Maybe just some other stories? I haven't heard that much about him."
Remus looked at Harry with a pained expression for a moment, before shaking his head and forcing a smile. "I'm sorry, Harry, I have other classes to prepare for now, but if you want, you could—"
"That's alright, Professor. Thanks for your time." Harry picked up his bag, and hurried out of the classroom.
His face burned with annoyance as he stalked through the halls to his next class. Professor Lupin seemed really uncomfortable talking about his dad once Severus was brought up. This furthered Harry's sense that something really bad had happened between them, and he was sure it wasn't just about his mum. Fine; if Lupin didn't want to tell him about his father, he'd find someone else.
The whole matter was forgotten, however, when Harry was called to his dad's office at the end of the day and told he would be starting regular patronus lessons with his father, seeing as how intense his reaction to them was. Harry was delighted; he loved getting private lessons from his dad, who was a really good educator one-on-one and even managed to produce a bright light, focusing on the memory of his adoption.
Harry was getting settled into the new term, doing well in his classes, even progressing in his Patronus lessons, when Professor Lupin called him to his office after his class one day. Ever since he'd been shut down by the man, Harry had been more mindful of his father's warning, having no problem keeping his distance from the Defense Professor. Harry followed his professor reluctantly to his office, slumping in the chair in front of the desk and staring sullenly at the wall.
Sitting down as well, Lupin sighed at seeing Harry's posture and began. "Harry, I want to apologize for the way I dealt with the question you asked me last time we were alone together. It was a perfectly legitimate inquiry and I should have handled my response better. I was simply surprised. It is a sensitive topic, one I haven't had to think about in over fifteen years."
Harry sat up, knowing he was being disrespectful and also a little childish. He nodded in response to the apology. He had acted rather badly in the situation too. Remus continued,
"I should've told you, Harry, but like I said, it's a sensitive issue, one I prefer not to speak about. I know it is not fair to keep this from you, but understand Harry, you barely got to know your father, I thought you'd rather think of him in a good light. If I were truthful to myself, I'd say I preferred to avoid bringing forth memories that portray my own guilt as well." The more Lupin talked, the more apprehensive Harry became. He'd hoped to get a simple answer to his question, one that would satisfy his curiosity on something that would put to rest something that mattered little enough anymore.
"Was it his fault then?" Harry asked, determined to get some real information at last. "Something my dad did that made Snape hate him?"
Remus stared down at his desk in shame, the only response Harry needed.
"What did he do?" Harry knew he should proceed with caution, hearing both sides and only then drawing his own conclusions, yet suddenly, he was filled with anger for his father who never had anyone there for him, who walked around with this visible – at least to Harry's eyes – pain every day.
"It wasn't exactly one thing." Remus clarified.
"Then what was it?"
The weary-looking man ran a hand over his face. "Listen, Harry. I know it's hard hearing your father wasn't all you thought he was, but this period in his adolescence does not erase all the good he was either."
"Just tell me what he did, already!" Harry could not help but blurt. The itch of not knowing was just getting too strong, and Harry fought not to jump out of his seat.
"It wasn't just him. And it wasn't just Severus." Harry sighed, but sat back again. "In our school days, your father and I were part of a sort of club. It was us and two other boys. James and, his best friend, Sirius were very popular, and quite the pranksters. Everyone and anyone was a target, however, there were a few that stood out among the rest."
"Like Snape."
"Yes." Remus lowered his gaze again, though he managed to keep his head up. "You see, Harry, your father grew up in a privileged home; he was used to a certain way of living and brought that attitude with him to Hogwarts. As time progressed, things became increasingly tense in the Wizarding World with You-Know-Who rising to power and people became more wary of Dark Magic and anything related to it, including, unfortunately Slytherins."
"So my father, a spoiled brat, attacked Snape because he assumed he was in league with a madman he'd never met?" This was not how Harry'd wanted the conversation to go. It wasn't lost on Harry on what he'd referred to his father as, and it's resemblance to how Snape described Potter Senior at the start of First Year. It seemed he was right about that; Harry wondered what else his father was right about.
"Of course not, Harry." Lupin replied, trying to salvage the conversation. "Your father and Sirius met Severus on the train to Hogwarts and immediately developed a mutual dislike. While James and his friends were popular, Severus was not, and this painted him as a target."
"A target for what?"
"Pranks, mostly. As I said, most pranks were random, save for a few people who were regular targets, Severus included. Harry, you must understand, it was all meant in good fun, not really to cause harm."
"Oh yeah?" Harry asked, hotly. "Did it seem that way to Se-Snape? I'm sure he enjoyed all the "good fun" they were having."
"It wasn't like he was defenseless, Harry. He got some pretty good hits in there himself, even outnumbered."
"Hits?! Outnumbered?! Oh yeah, that sounds very much like Gryffindor bravery to me. So what were the odds again?" Harry pretended to count on his fingers. "That's right, four to one. And always good fun, except Snape had to get in some "hits" to even the score." Glaring at Lupin, he finished, "Sounds a lot like bullying to me." After a brief silence, where Remus had nothing to say, Harry continued, "How often? How often was he targeted?"
Remus, not having the strength to protest, answered simply, without much emotion, "Most days. At least once a week."
"And always four on one?"
"Many times, but not always." Remus could have mentioned that Severus wasn't always alone either, at least in the later years, if he hadn't known it would do more harm than good.
Inside, Harry felt as if he could cry. This was not what he'd wanted to find out. "Great," he said, standing up and forcing the tears back. "Thanks for letting me know my father was a bully. I'm glad I finally got to learn the truth everyone tried to hide from me. At least I don't falsely think of him as a hero. Great, I got that settled. Now I might just start agreeing with whatever I hear Professor Snape say, considering he's been more truthful to me than anyone else." Without waiting to hear a response to his outburst, Harry picked up his bag and fled the room.
Once free from the confines of the tense conversation and Lupin's shameful eyes, Harry let the tears fall from his eyes. Not bothering to wipe them away as he ran, they obscured his vision, causing him to almost knock into the walls. Harry paid no attention to the route he was taking, not caring, simply trying to put some distance between himself and that office. He ran and ran, until finally, getting tired, he sunk down in a secluded alcove, his knees up to his chest, breathing hard.
Harry's insides burned and his thoughts turned over and over in his mind. In less than five minutes, his whole world had been turned upside down. He no longer knew what to think.
Severus Snape and James Potter; two immensely important figures in his life, people who shaped him, meant so much to him, it tore him apart to have his images of them shaken so. He'd always been proud of being James Potter's son, of what people had said of him, proud to have a father who loved him enough to die for him. Now, all he saw was another bully. Harry thought of Dudley and his friends, of the torment he'd endured at their hands. It was ironic really. When he'd first arrived at Hogwarts, Professor Snape had hated him, blaming him for the hurt Potter Senior had caused him. Little did he know, Harry had already received that treatment from his own family. It was almost like Harry had to pay for his dad's sins. And Severus…
Harry almost gasped aloud, tears, once again, springing to his eyes. Severus had taken him in without a thought. Even knowing whose son he was, he had no problem being Harry's father. His body shook as he contemplated that. How could he face his father now, knowing what had caused him to hate Harry's biological dad? He'll send me back, he thought, in terror. He'll send me back to the Dursley's for knowing. He won't want me anymore. How can I blame him? I look like the guy that made his life miserable for seven years. I deserve to be back at the Dursley's. Where I won't hurt my dad anymore. Forcing himself to pull himself together, Harry wiped his eyes and stood up, walking slowly back to his dorm.
The next few days were particularly hard for Harry as he tried to wrap his brain around the enormous change to many of his views, and in such a short span of time. With no one to properly talk to about it, he ran through it in his mind, himself. Severus, his dad, had always seemed such a strong figure to him, not someone to even think of messing with. Imagining him being bullied and by none other than Harry's first dad, hurt. A lot. In potions class, Harry couldn't meet his father's eyes – too embarrassed to face him – keeping more quiet than usual and ignoring the necessary barbs coming his way. At the back of his mind, in a place he wanted to shut up, a voice told him Severus really meant what he was saying, that Harry was just like his bullying father, that he really did like the attention. Feeling increasingly uncomfortable as class went on, Harry felt the need to rush out as soon as the bell rang, not paying the Potion's Master any notice on his way out.
Harry didn't show up for his patronus lesson that day. His thoughts were too muddled for him to concentrate. I won't be able to produce light as bright as a Lumos, he convinced himself. Not bothering to send his dad a note, he returned to his dorm after dinner and went to sleep.
Severus sat in his quarters, musing over his day, a glass of firewhiskey in his hand. Harry had behaved very oddly in class. Usually, he either ignored Severus or muttered about him to his friends, occasionally glaring at the man when his back was turned. Severus had not felt the boy's gaze on him once throughout the double period they'd had. His gaze had been kept to his work, which was uncharacteristically sloppy. He'd needed Granger to keep his cauldron from exploding. Stranger still, he hadn't shown up for his Patronus lesson, which Severus knew he loved. Perhaps he was tired, worn out from schoolwork; for all Severus knew, it could be the ever-depressing presence of the dementors affecting him. As for the lesson he missed, Severus assumed Harry fell asleep inadvertently or some other plausible explanation. He knew his son well enough that he wouldn't just not show up without good reason. Surely the boy would come to him at his next potion's lesson to discuss the issue with him. Matter put out of mind, Severus rose and returned to his office to deal with the piles of essays waiting to be graded.
Harry awoke from his nap, but did not get out of bed. He knew he had work to do, he knew he should have gone to his Patronus lesson, but somehow, the thought of seeing his father right now, disturbed him. Things were different now; they might never be the same and Harry felt more comfortable avoiding the whole issue for the time being.
If only it were that easy though. He still had to go to lessons and see both his Defense and Potions professors who were the center of this whole mess. He had finally worked through all his thoughts until he came to one conclusion.
I am my father's son. In reality, he had two fathers, each of which was completely different from the other. One was a Gryffindor, the other a Slytherin. One was a bully, the other a victim. One arrogant and reckless, one intelligent and cautious. The figures blurred in his head, becoming a jumbled mess.
At first, Harry had been able to identify himself with both of them, find himself in parts of the men he looked up to, the men who made him the person he was. Now, he had no idea who either of them, or even who he, was.
I am my father's son. Something Severus had impressed on him the second he'd stepped foot in Hogwarts. Although not all he'd said was correct, it was still true. Harry was like his father, though with the new knowledge he had, he wished he weren't. Everything Snape had said that first year, all the insults, came rushing back to him in more clarity than ever before. Harry reveled in the fame he got from his skill at Quidditch, he jumped at the chance to duel Malfoy, all the rules he'd ever broken because he'd had to, he didn't seem that different from his father after all.
Harry skipped his next Patronus lesson as well. What if Severus would hate him now that he knew how much like his father he really was? This feeling worsened further in the potion's lesson following the skipped meeting, where Severus's comments got to Harry more than they ever had before. Even more, he'd received no note from his father on why he'd skipped the first time. In fact, it seemed as though he couldn't care at all. Catching sight of the usual sneer on his professor's face, as he walked into class, Harry wondered if his father was regretting adopting Harry in the first place. Surely he was thinking he'd been wrong about the boy; he was just as bad as he'd first assumed. From the look on his face, it was obvious, his father—no, his professor wanted nothing more to do with him.
When Professor Snape began his lecture, Harry simply doodled in his notebook, no longer caring about his schoolwork, now that he had no father to please.
Severus, at the front of the room, was getting tired of his son's behavior. First, there'd been the lesson he'd missed. Severus'd assumed there'd been a good reason for that, though now he wasn't so sure. Usually, whether or not he needed help, he'd come visit Severus down in the dungeons at least once a week. Now, it had been nearly two weeks since he'd seen his son in private, something that disturbed him greatly. Obviously, something was bothering the boy, and instead of coming to speak to him about it, he chose to sulk, ignoring the help available to him. Exasperated, Severus barked at the boy, intending to jolt him out of his mood, remind him he had someone to count on.
"Head up, Potter! You are not exempt from paying attention. Arrogant child!" he sneered. "Just like—"
"Just like my father, am I?" Harry shocked Severus by abruptly standing up, overturning his stool in the process. His voice rose as he continued. "You have no right to say that! You have no idea who I am!" The room silent. Ignoring the shocked and angry looks from the Gryffindors, and smug faces from the Slytherins, Harry stared straight at his fath—professor, anger in his whole posture.
Severus folded his arms and raised an eyebrow at the outburst. When Harry's defiance didn't abate, the Potions Master lowered his voice menacingly and drawled,
"Detention, Mr. Potter. And fifty points from Gryffindor."
"Fine!" Harry slammed his book shut and grabbed his things, racing out the classroom door, leaving a stunned class in his wake.
"Quiet!" Severus barked, to still any rising conversation in reaction to what'd just occurred. He continued his lecture, though his thoughts wouldn't settle down. What was with that boy? Severus had not brought up his father since the beginning of first year. Surely the boy would've realized he was talking about himself, not James Potter. The points, which Severus usually refrained from taking from Harry, to avoid being unfair, were for the blatant disrespect, both to his teacher and his father. Therefore, they were rightly deserved, not cause for more dissent. He only hoped the boy would regain his senses in time for his detention.
Harry ran through the corridors blindly, trying not to cry. He hadn't cried for losing his first parents; there was no reason to cry now. If he'd had doubts before, they were gone now. Professor Snape had abandoned him, as he'd assumed he would all along. He should've known it was too good to be true. Who would really want to adopt Harry anyway? He was worthless, useless, just a freak. The word pierced Harry and he stumbled into a wall, sliding down it to the floor, where he sat and cried.
Eventually, his self-pity turned to anger and hatred for all the people who'd hurt him. For Lupin who'd opened his eyes to all this, to the Dursleys who hurt him the most, to Dumbledore who sent Harry to them, for Voldemort for taking him away from his parents, and even for James who wasn't decent enough to leave people alone. Most of all, was his hatred for Severus, his once-father, who now chose to throw him away. He was worse than the Dursleys. They, at least, didn't pretend to care about him, they treated him as they always felt he deserved. Snape pretended to want him, to love and care for him, only to toss him away as soon as he tired of him. That's all you deserve. A voice inside Harry said. You're nothing, you'll always be a freak. Sadness took over again and, wanting to have the privacy of his room, Harry ran back to Gryffindor Tower.
Since potions was the last class of the day, Harry would be expected to report to his detention soon after. Sure he would be facing a thrashing, Harry opted not to go. He stayed in bed, unsure of how much time passed, until he felt Ron shaking him for dinner. He told Ron he wasn't hungry and waited for him to leave. Truth be told, finding out he would be unadopted did make him lose his appetite.
Eventually, he made his way down to the Common Room, where he began researching plants for his Herbology essay in one of the plush armchairs near the stairs. People came trickling back from dinner and the room filled up with those, like Harry, busy with homework, or chatting with friends.
Suddenly, the Portrait door banged open, and a figure in billowing, black robes stepped through. Striding forward, he stopped in front of Harry, his face livid.
"My. Office. Now." Harry met his gaze, but failed to hold it; despite his previous hatred for the man, he felt strangely ashamed to have angered him so. That look had not been aimed at him in a while. Trying not to seem meek, he closed his book and stood up, following the dour man as he spun on his heel and left the way he came. Harry ignored the looks of terror on the faces around him, deciding he would deal with the punishment coming his way with dignity – he couldn't deny he deserved it, even as he wished he could still have a father. He shook the thought off. It did no good wishing, it never did.
Realizing they weren't headed where he thought, Harry looked around to make sure he knew where he was. This wasn't the way to Snape's office, but to his quarters. Why would we be going there? Harry thought, puzzled. There he can beat you and no one will hear you scream. Harry shivered at the thought. Professor Snape wouldn't do that to him, he wouldn't. Then again, he had seemed especially angry. There was no telling what was in store for Harry.
Once inside their—his quarters, with the door closed, Severus rounded on the boy.
"What is wrong with you? You know to come to me when something is bothering you, not sulk like a child. And there is no reason to be disrespectful."
For some reason the question irked Harry; why was he pretending to care? Maybe he hadn't figured out Harry knew yet and was waiting before kicking him out. His anger flared up again, and he spat,
"Oh, so I'm worthy of talking to now, am I? Not just someone for you to mess with, Professor?"
Severus's anger receded, confusion taking its place. He decided to start again. "Harry, what—?"
"Oh, so its Harry now, is it? Even saying the name Potter too much for you?"
Severus was genuinely confused. Surely he'd misread something. Why was the boy acting so strange? The way he called him "professor," how angry he seemed, the avoiding, not wanting to talk to Severus; it was almost as if he…hated him. As if he…. Oh. Severus had feared this would happen. Harry no longer wanted to be his son. He'd figured out how bad a parent Severus was and was rejecting him. He'd predicted this in the beginning – who'd want him as a father – yet, against his logic, he'd acquiesced and decided on hoping this wouldn't happen. Unfortunately, nature won out in the end, and Severus would lose his son. This hurt more than he'd thought it would. If only he hadn't gotten his hopes up. Trying to mask his grief, he asked more quietly,
"So, you'll be wanting to leave then." The boy's silent glare was all the answer he needed. "We'll have to find someone else to take you in, then."
"What, the Dursleys not good enough for you?"
Severus started. "Don't be absurd. Of course not; I promised you you'd never return there, didn't I?"
Yeah, like you promised me other things, Harry thought. "Guess I just don't have that much faith in your word, then."
Severus wondered what he'd done to make the boy hate him so, and wished with all his might he could change that, that he could just hold him one more time. I'm sorry, he wanted to say, but held himself back. Not knowing what else to add in the silence that followed, he spoke up,
"You can keep your room if you like."
Harry's face lost most of his anger. "My…room?" That was a strange change of topic.
"Yes. I understand you prefer it, so you may still use it from time to time, if you choose."
Harry was stunned. "You're not going to kick me out first chance you get?"
That's what Harry thought he would do to him? Severus shook his head sadly. "Of course not. I understand you no longer want me as your father, but that room is yours and…"
Harry didn't hear the rest over the rushing sound in his ears. "You think I don't want you as my father anymore?" his voice was barely above a whisper, yet Severus still caught it.
Severus frowned. "Isn't that why you've been acting out?"
Harry shook his head, eyes wide in astonishment. "I thought you didn't want me anymore. I thought you were rejecting me since I knew and you didn't want me as your son, that you'd throw me out cuz I'm like him and you won't like me anymore, I thought…" it went on and on, Harry trembling with emotion as he babbled.
Severus barely comprehended half of what he heard, yet he knew exactly what Harry needed. He strode forward and drew the boy toward him into a tight embrace. The boy responded immediately, returning the embrace with such ferocity, Severus had the wind knocked out of him. When Harry finally let up his grip, Severus grasped him by the shoulders and looked him sharply in the eye.
"Of course I still want you as my son. I have no idea what gave you the idea, but I will never throw you out. I adopted you. That was forever. You're never going to stop being my son; and I will always be your father."
An enormous wave of relief swept over Harry, and in that moment, now that it was gone, he realized exactly how frightened he'd been. Of going back to the Dursleys, of being alone and having no one to love him; the relief of still having his father to take care of him was so great that he began to cry, returning to his father's arms.
"Dad," he sobbed. The awareness of simply being able to still say that made his throat tighter. Dad, dad, dad, dad, he continued in his mind, since he couldn't speak aloud. Harry melted into his father's chest, soothed by his comforting presence and the sense that he was always safe with him.
When all his tears were gone, soaked into the front of Severus's robes, Severus led Harry over to the couch where they could talk.
"All better now?" he asked gently.
Harry nodded, sniffling slightly. He did seem fine, though he placed himself rather close to Severus on the sofa, still recovering from the fear.
"Why didn't you come to your lessons, Harry?" Severus figured out starting out simple was best. "I thought those were important to you."
Harry looked down at his hands. "I was distracted. Lupin said something to me, and I—"
"Lupin?" Severus's face clouded over. "What did he say to you?" he growled.
Harry put a hand on his arm. "Dad, it's fine. It doesn't matter anymore."
He'd had a lot of time to think during his breakdown and had decided he didn't care. So what if his first father was a bully and an idiot; not everyone had dads to be proud of. Harry's would just be another on that list. He had a real flesh and blood father right here, who gave him everything he needed, as well as was someone he could look up to. Besides, while he hadn't chosen to be James Potter's son, Severus had chosen to adopt him. He was here, and James was not. That was it.
Severus continued frowning. "I thought I told you to stay away from him."
"Yeah, and I got no problem with that, it's just, he said he knew my dad, you know, my first one, and since I didn't have any stories of him, I thought I'd ask."
Severus paled. Thankfully, the boy was looking at his knees. "What did you ask?"
Harry looked right up at him, then. "I wanted to know what my dad did to make you hate him so much. That made you hate me." Severus was taken aback. The boy meets someone who knew his father and the first thing he asks is what Severus had to do with it, something that wouldn't portray him in a good light. You never cease to amaze me, Harry, he thought. Harry paused momentarily before continuing, "He told me what he did, Dad. He told me what they did to you."
Suddenly, the boy's behavior the past few days made a lot more sense. He figured he would be thrown out for being James's son, now that he knew what had transpired between them. Not knowing what else to say, Severus offered,
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Harry shrugged. "What's there to talk about? He was a bully, that's all that matters. It's well and good he died; I'm not sure what kind of father he'd have been."
Severus started, shooting away from Harry. "Harry James Potter! How dare you speak like that! You should be ashamed of yourself!"
Harry's eyes widened. "What? What'd I do wrong?"
Severus couldn't believe his ears. Surely Harry had not spoken badly of James Potter. It was strange enough being the boy's father without the world imploding, how was he to deal with this? Severus had once thought it'd be a cold day in hell when he defended James Potter, but circumstance had changed and so had his perspective. This was not about him; this was about Harry and his image of his father. Severus realized he could not allow Harry to be so convinced his father was a horrible person.
Severus sighed – this would be difficult. "Harry, your father was a great man and wizard, the things he did in his youth do not negate the love he had for you and your mother, or the fact that he was a wonderful father. How many horrible fathers sacrifice their lives for their children?"
Harry shifted a little in his seat. "How can you defend him though? He tormented you. For years."
Severus nodded. "Yes. That happened. As a child, James was very immature and spoiled. He dealt with insecurities by poking fun at others. This was one of his flaws, but he grew out of it. How else do you think Lily agreed to marry him? I've told you enough about her to know what kind of person she was, which people she would love or not, do you think your mother would have married James if she didn't consider him worthy of her love?"
Harry didn't seem to be listening though. He jumped up from the couch, waving his arms about, as he said,
"How can you say those things, Dad? I know what you've been through. I've been there. I know how much it hurts and the feelings that linger afterwards. I'm not surprised you treated me as you did when we first met, looking like James as I do. If only he got what he deserved too."
"Harry, as I said, he was young. As for how I behaved, that was wrong. I hope you know that. I am deeply sorry for how I treated you."
Harry waved the apology off. "I know; that part doesn't matter. But, how can you act so, so….calm when talking about this? Being young is not an excuse. It doesn't matter how old you are; a bully is a bully."
"Harry, I understand you were upset about what he'd done, but he changed afterwards, and matured. He was a good man, good enough to give his life for you. Does that mean nothing to you? You can't put aside your personal feelings to respect him for that?"
Harry threw up his hands. "Fine. I won't cuss at him or anything."
Severus's expression hardened. "Mind your language, young man. Or I'll add to your detention."
Harry's eyebrows shot up. "That was real?"
Severus cocked a brow of his own. "You think you can get away with disrespect like that, especially in the classroom? No, you will properly serve that detention, as well as make up your missed Patronus lessons."
Harry's face sobered. Looking down, he said, "Yeah, sorry I acted like that."
"Apology accepted." Severus scrutinized his son. "See, that wasn't so hard. You behaved badly and I forgave you."
Harry was quickly riled up once again. "No, it's not like that. He tormented you for years, and he never did apologize, did he?"
Severus was not happy they were still on this topic, but that was Harry. He wasn't satisfied until he fully understood everything. "I have chosen to forgive him anyway," he intoned calmly.
"But how? Why?"
"Because. It doesn't concern you."
Harry snorted. "Yes it does, it's about my father."
"I am your father!"
"Then tell me why!"
"No." Severus turned away, intending to leave the room, when Harry shouted,
"WHY?"
"BECAUSE IT WAS MY FAULT!" Severus whirled around suddenly, startling Harry, who took a step back. Silence filled the room. Knowing the boy would not let it go, Severus continued, more quietly,
"They died because of me."
Harry shook himself out of his shock. "No, they didn't. It was Voldemort." He was unsure of what was happening, but felt extremely unsettled by the look on his father's face. He looked, sort of, ashamed. It scared Harry.
"No, Harry. It wasn't all him." His eyes rose to meet his son's. "You never questioned why he came after you in the first place, did you?" Harry's eyes widened. "The Dark Lord was after something, information that he thought would help him in the war. This information led him to attack your family." Severus prepared himself for what he was about to say next. Half of him screamed not to let the boy know, to hide it from him. He's too young, he won't understand, he thought. He'll hate me, a quieter part of him added. It was the truth. Apart from the heaviness of the knowledge and the maturity needed to deal with it, Severus wanted to avoid telling Harry to evade the subsequent reaction of fear and hatred. Yet, the boy needed this. While Severus had been planning on informing the boy of his past at a later date – preferably when he was a little older – circumstances had circumvented such plans, necessitating the retelling of his unpleasant activities at an earlier date.
"I was the one who brought him this knowledge," he finished.
Harry was quiet for a few minutes, processing, until he finally spoke up.
"Why?"
"It was a horrible mistake. I have never regretted anything more. There was a lot that led up to it, but the main reason was that, I was a lost, deeply hurt, lonely, young man, and I foolishly thought that with You-Know-Who I would receive the acceptance and power I craved."
"You joined Voldemort?" Harry asked, incredulous.
Once again, Severus was tempted to lie, chalk it all up to a big misunderstanding, and allow Harry to leave, image of his father intact. Yet, that wasn't the right thing to do.
"Yes."
"I don't believe you," Harry shook his head back and forth.
Sighing, Severus went into his bedroom to get out his most hated item. He brought the object out to Harry, who had remained in the same place, frozen in his spot. His face blanched at the sight of the thing in Severus's hand, its existence more surprising than its gruesomeness. Harry stared at the skeletal mask, in shock. He heard his mother's voice in his head, screaming for her life. Cold, high laughter followed and a green light that stung. Looking up at his…his father, he asked,
"You got them killed?"
Severus didn't bother denying it. He had nothing he could say.
"How could you?"
Severus wanted to argue. Yet how could "I didn't know" be enough of an excuse? Nevertheless, the look on Harry's face broke his heart and though he had no excuse, he tried to explain to Harry his side.
"I had no idea he would use the information to attack your family. Immediately afterwards, I went to Dumbledore and became a spy for him."
"I don't care!" Harry suddenly screamed. "It was your fault you joined him in the first place!" Severus didn't want him to go on. I don't want to lose you, Harry, he thought. Yet, it was fitting, wasn't it? He didn't deserve to be the boy's father, not after what he'd done. It was fitting he would reject Severus on learning of it.
"I slept in a cupboard because of you!" Harry's temper only intensified in response to Severus's silence. The comment pierced his heart, but it was no more than he deserved. "I didn't have anyone to love me, or even take care of me!" Harry wiped his eyes quickly, trying to pretend he wasn't crying. A comment Severus had made came back to him.
"You sure you're not really a spy for Voldemort? That's why you really adopted me, isn't it? So you could give me to him when he comes back? Why are you so sure he will anyway? I can't believe I trusted you!"
The pain became too much for Severus and he reached out, stepping forward slightly. "Harry," he coaxed, trying to get his son to calm down. Unfortunately, it had the opposite effect.
"NO!" Harry looked right at Severus, face red, eyes puffy from unshed tears, and hatred. Hatred in them like Severus had never seen. Not even when Severus had mistreated him in first year, did he see that in Harry's eyes. "You took my parents away from me! All because you were a greasy git who no one wanted to be friends with! I HATE YOU!"
With that, Harry ran from the room.
Severus exhaled and collapsed on the couch behind him. He put his head in his hands and pushed his emotions away with Occlumency. He wouldn't cry now, not again. The things Harry did to him; at least that would be over now. Severus pretended that didn't hurt as much as it really did. Harry had been the best thing in his life, and he had pushed him away, just like with Lily.
Oh, Lily, he thought, I'm sorry. I failed you. I couldn't care for your son. I wasn't good enough for him. He got up, intending to pour himself a glass of firewhiskey, then rethought it, knowing it would only lead to him getting pissed, which was not an option.
Harry ran, crying to his dorm room. Luckily, no one was in the Common Room when he entered, letting him go to his bed without anyone noticing his state. He managed to dry his tears and stop gasping before opening the door to his room, so his fellow roommates wouldn't see how he broke down either. Entering the room, he kept his head down, going straight for his bed. Upon seeing him, Ron jumped up and approached him.
"You're alive!" he exclaimed. "How'd you escape the evil bat's clutches?" For the first time, Harry agreed with Ron's term for the man, yet had no energy to talk right now. He ignored him, getting right into bed, still wearing is clothes.
"Mate?" Ron sounded worried, staring at Harry's turned back uneasily.
"I don't want to talk about it, Ron," he replied. All out of tears, Harry let the exhaustion overtake him and he fell asleep.
Harry spent the next few days pretending everything was alright. He didn't want anyone to know how broken he felt inside. The worst part was that even if he wanted to tell someone, he couldn't. No one was allowed to know about Severus adopting him. Probably another part of the scam, Harry thought bitterly, more than once. In class, he alternated between paying rapt attention; shushing Ron with a gesture at the teacher when he attempted to talk to him, and spacing out; staring at a blank stretch of wall for the duration of the class.
Though, Severus continued playing the part of strict Potions Master, Harry simply ignored him and his comments, and his classwork was worse than it'd ever been. It was like he was insulting the man further by showing no interest in his subject. After Harry's inattention almost caused two explosions, Severus began adding detentions to his point deductions, detentions he knew Harry had no plans on attending. He made no moves to reach out to the boy, certain it would only do further harm.
Harry's friends noticed something was wrong with him, yet didn't know how to help him. Every time they approached him, he pretending he was fine, chalking up his behavior to worrying about Black being after him. This didn't have them very convinced, however, after a week passed, he did manage to pull himself together enough to show them whatever had been bothering him had passed. He spent a lot of time wandering the grounds, or just sitting in a secluded corner of the library for hours, usually in the time he was supposed to be in detention with Snape, to avoid suspicion.
The only one he found solace with, was Hagrid. Hagrid, who didn't care what was going on with him and invited him to tea as usual. Hagrid, his first real friend, and the one who always knew the right thing to say to make him feel better.
One day, sitting on a rock by the lake, Harry heard footsteps behind him, but ignored them until a familiar voice, said,
"I've noticed your behavior the past few days, and I can't help thinking it's my fault." Harry made no movement indicating he was listening, yet stayed where he was. Lupin took this as a sign he could continue talking. "I don't think I was fair to you that day in my office." When further silence followed, Remus assumed he was allowed to continue talking. "You deserved to hear about your father, but I should have approached the subject more delicately. I also probably should've assumed more responsibility over what happened. I was close with your father; I should've said something to him, should have stood up to him. It was wrong and I think, in failing this, I have hurt you." Harry surreptitiously wiped his cheek under his eye. Remus pretended not to notice. He put a gentle hand on Harry's shoulder, squeezing slightly in reassurance.
"But Harry, your father was not all bad. You need to believe that. He deserves more than your disdain. I was there when you were born, Harry. Your father had never looked so happy. He loved you more than life itself, this you already know. Whatever he did in his youth, he tried to fix. I think being your father made him a better person. One you should be proud of. I'm sure if he was here now, he'd tell you how sorry he was of how he'd acted. Your father was a hero; I hope you know that, Harry."
Without waiting for a response, Remus patted Harry one more time and walked off. For a moment, Harry was still, then, all at once, he broke down. Bringing his legs up to his chest, he cried, tears falling onto his knees.
Remus's words echoed in his head, yet it wasn't James Potter he associated with them. Everything he'd said was true, also about James, but what Harry heard was this: Severus loves you. Being your father made him a better person. Severus tried to fix his mistakes; he's sorry for what he's done. A part of Harry didn't want to believe it – having no one was so much easier than risking losing someone – he preferred to continue believing Severus never loved him, that he was only playing him. The other part of Harry burned with such desire to hug his father and never let go, that he felt he would burst. Nothing had ever felt as good as feeling safe in his father's arms. Something he had missed out on his entire childhood.
He won't take me back, Harry thought, in a flash of terror. I told him I hated him. How can he ever forgive me? The tears threatened to return, but Harry pushed them back. Determined to think this through logically, Harry calmed his mind and sat straight on the rock he was perched on. He'd been Severus Snape's son for more than a year; he'd learnt more than what was just taught in classes.
Using the techniques his father had taught him to pay close attention to detail, Harry ran through his memories of potions classes from the past week. Of course, Severus had presented his "bat of the dungeons" persona as per usual, but the more Harry looked, the more he found glimpses of the man's real emotions. Flashes of pain showed up in his eyes, time and time again, each time when he was looking at Harry. Sighing out in quiet relief, Harry opened his eyes.
Now, all he had to do was find the courage to go to him and apologize, hoping he wasn't immediately kicked out for showing his face. I haven't gone to my detentions! Harry convinced himself to calm down. If he hasn't punished me yet, he won't now. Besides, he promised never to throw you out, remember? Harry took a deep breath and quickened his pace.
In front of the door to Severus's quarters, Harry paused. Come on, Harry. Use that Gryffindor courage. He won't kick me out, he won't kick me out, Harry repeated to himself in his head, as he lifted his fist and knocked on the door. He still had the password to the rooms, but didn't want to take the chance Severus had changed it.
It seemed he waited an eternity before the door opened and he looked up to meet his father's eyes.
"Can I come in?" he asked, meekly. Severus nodded, face impassive and stepped aside to allow him entrance.
"Would you like something to eat? I noticed you haven't been eating much at meals lately."
Keeping his eyes on the floor this time, Harry nodded. Severus stepped into the kitchen, glad to get away from the awkward tension surrounding the boy. He really did look unwell. This is why you're unfit to care for him, Severus scolded himself. He quickly fixed something for Harry to eat and returned to the living room.
Harry sat on the couch, waiting for his dad to come back. It was strange, just being in this room again made him feel safe. Maybe it was the familiar setting, or the hominess of the room. Maybe it was the particular scent of the quarters, or just the knowledge that his father was here and nothing could hurt him. Suddenly, all he wished for was to feel the safety only his father could provide for him. Hearing the footsteps of the man reentering the room, he waited until a plate was set down in front of him, before throwing himself into his father's arms.
Shocked, Severus almost fell over, but steadied himself with a hand on the back of the couch. He held his son close, rubbing small circles on his back with one hand, cupping the back of his head with the other, letting him get all the tears out.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Harry cried. "I didn't mean it! I don't hate you!"
"Shh," Severus soothed him. "I know. It's alright."
Harry continued apologizing and Severus continued to reassure him that everything was ok. He still wants me, he still wants me, Severus thought, ecstatically. He'd been so worried he'd lost him forever. It was such a relief that Harry had come back to him, that he'd forgiven him, though Severus couldn't fathom how.
When Harry finally calmed, Severus drew away to look him in the eye, and said,
"Harry, I'm enormously thrilled that you're back, but this doesn't change what I did. What you said before was true. It was my fault."
Harry shook his head vehemently. "No, Dad; I was wrong. I shouldn't have said those things. I was just…I was just shocked by it. What happened wasn't your fault, you just made a mistake."
"Harry, you lost your parents because of me."
"And what are you, Dad? Whether or not you were responsible for their deaths, you also gave me a father again. I think that pretty much makes things even, don't you?"
"Harry—"
"Dad, it's like you said before. I finally realized you were right; what James did when he was younger is no example of the person he was at his core, or the man he tried so hard to be. It's the same with you. I understand feeling small and alone, I don't blame you for what happened."
Severus saw the sincerity in Harry's eyes and was astounded. The boy really means what he's saying. He really forgives me. He must be mad, Severus thought, wryly. At least he doesn't hate James anymore. Severus wished he had the strength to argue further, try to convince Harry he was making a mistake in forgiving Severus, yet the lure of Harry accepting him again was too strong. How can I reject his desire to be my son? Giving in to his emotions, Severus simply nodded in response to Harry, saying, to get rid of the sentimental atmosphere,
"Do you think we can get to a Patronus lesson now? I seem to recall you missing a few."
Harry snickered a little and nodded, excited to get back to happier things. Already, having his father back had a huge impact on him and he felt ready to cast a real, fully-fledged Patronus this time.
Before he could lift his wand, though, Severus put a hand on his son's arm.
"Harry, wait." Looking up curiously, he waited for the man to continue. "I know you forgive me, but do you trust me? Do you trust me really, with your life, your protection and all you give me to hold dear?"
The answer came to Harry as easily as flying. "Of course, Dad. I trust you more than anyone." Nodding, in response, and keeping the satisfaction of such an answer to himself, Severus motioned for him to continue.
Taking a stance in front of Severus, Harry closed his eyes and concentrated. He tried to find a happy memory, something particularly strong, but couldn't focus on a single one. In the end, all he could think of was his father gazing at him proudly. The feeling this image produced lit up a fire in Harry that spread throughout his entire body, warming him to the tips of his toes. Then, suddenly, behind this image came another one. So faint he could barely make it out, yet he knew it was there. A memory from the deepest recesses of his mind of a face very much like his, with hair as unruly, gazing down at him with a brilliant smile. Dad, he thought silently.
With eyes brimming with tears, Harry smiled and lifted his wand.
"EXPECTO PATRONUM!" he exclaimed, opening his eyes. This time, not just a white light came forth from his wand, but a fully formed, shining creature. Some kind of animal, it skipped away, turned at the wall and came back to Harry more slowly.
It was a fawn. A shimmering baby deer with wide eyes and an upturned nose. Harry smiled and petted it lightly with his hand, enjoying the tingling sensation it gave him. A soft gasp from behind him made him turn.
Severus stared at the fawn with awe in his eyes. Eyes that, to Harry's surprise looked suspiciously wet. If anything would've shown him how much his son trusted and believed in him, this was it.
"What is it, Dad?" Harry asked. He'd expected admiration, or at least some recognition of the feat he'd accomplished.
In lieu of answering, Severus whipped out his own wand and pronounced,
"Expecto Patronum." Out of his wand stepped an animal quite like the one spawned from Harry's wand. The doe approached the fawn slowly, bending down to rub noses with it.
"Oh," said Harry, simply. With the feeling of his heart so full it would explode, he laughed and gave his father a quick squeeze around the waist. Severus kept his arm around the shoulder of his son even after he let go.
"Well done, Harry," he said softly. Harry smiled so wide he felt his face would break. This was all he needed to feel happy.
