XOXO and Other Affectionate Letters

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

Guttersnipe's Foreword: So sorry it's a week late! I had a bit of trouble focusing on writing. Insomnia will do that to you. Well, please enjoy!

Chapter 3

The second night of the mission had the team once again guarding the daimyo's place of repose. The first shift had passed without incident, and Kakashi and Sai had given the watch over to Naruto and Sasuke not two hours ago.

Now they laid in wait, restlessly anticipating the arrival of whatever incompetent enemy had decided to threaten the daimyo's life. And when they caught them, Naruto was so going to give the losers a lesson on assassination—because if they had just gotten it right the first time, the team wouldn't have Harusato for a client and life would be wonderful.

"Aw man," Naruto groaned, shifting uncomfortably under the eaves of the castle, outside the daimyo's room. He let out a tormented sound, muttering, "Don't think of water... Don't think of water..."

"What is your deal, dobe?" came a temperamental voice over the radio.

The blonde was completely unmoved by the harsh tone, having more pressing concerns to deal with at the moment. "Nngh! Why is there a koi pond right there?! It's like it's mocking me..."

The Uchiha rolled his eyes. "You're a ninja; you should be able to control your basic body functions by now."

A strangled hiss came back at him over the earpiece. "Some forces of nature cannot be controlled, teme. When you gotta go, you gotta go! And maaann, do I gotta go, dattebayo."

"Then go. Stop whining about it to me."

"If I go, I'll have to leave my spot, I might be seen by the enemy and then they won't attack and we'll be stuck here longer waiting for them to show up some other night, dattebayo." He shuffled in his spot, doing anything to ease his discomfort.

"Then stay put and stop complaining," Sasuke sighed, leaning back against the corner where he hid. "I just hope you realize that you won't be able to perform to your maximum in that state."

There was a low grumbling from Naruto's end, as he acknowledged that he would definitely not be able to boldly leap into the fray with such a biological encumbrance.

Hearing a distinct 'phwshhh' sound, accompanied by splashing, Sasuke's face convulsed into a violent cringe, and he growled, "Disconnect your radio, you retard!"

"What?! You never used a urinal next to another guy? It's the same deal," Naruto defended, feeling incomparable relief settle upon him. "Ahhh..." he sighed.

"It is not the same!" the other male snapped back, nose crinkling at Naruto's sounds.

"I don't know why you're so offended. It's just a normal bodily function."

"So is burping or sex; that doesn't mean I want to hear you doing it right in my ear."

"You're such a priss."

"Tch. Just because I have manners doesn't make me a priss."

"'Manners'?!" Naruto scoffed, settling back into his hiding place. "Grabbing a girl's butt and then making a comment like, 'Very nice. But it would feel even better without the shorts,' doesn't strike me as particularly mannerly, dattebayo."

Sasuke scowled into the darkness, hoping his malice would travel through the night air and stab the other man in the face. "It was a dream!" he hissed vehemently, feeling that much-hated blush suffuse his pale skin.

"It still came from your mind."

"I've also dreamed of stepping into a freezer and walking out of it dressed in a penguin costume," he muttered back. "Does that mean my true self is a penguin? No."

"Sounds to me like you want to become someone else—a new person," Naruto commented sagely, face set in that omniscient expression, finger to chin. "You wish to take on a new identity, as represented by the penguin costume. And do you know what that identity is, Sasuke?"

The other nin let out a deep, quiet sigh. "Oh, do tell, Naruto."

"A pervert!"

Sasuke twitched violently for a split second before snapping, "How do you get that from a penguin suit?!"

"It's so obvious, teme," the blonde hummed, like the all-knowing genius he believed himself to be. "Emperor penguins—we are talking about Emperor penguins, right?"

"Yes," the dark nin hissed between clenched teeth, rolling his eyes at the inanity of the question.

"Okay. Emperor penguins will travel up to 120 kilometres just to mate. And when they have babies, it's the dudes who take care of the egg until it hatches, while the girl goes and eats."

"..."

"See what I mean?"

"See what?!" Sasuke sputtered. "You didn't explain anything! You just reiterated some information from March of the Penguins. You always do this a week after you've watched a movie." He shook his head.

"Well, it was very informative!" Naruto defended, voice screeching just a little. A thought hit him and he added, "And I'm so going to have that narrator guy's voice when I hit middle-age."

The Uchiha scoffed. "You're really swinging for the fences on that one."

"And my point was so obvious!" the other male continued, ignoring Sasuke's comment. "You want a woman—that is, Sakura-chan—to have your evil spawn. That's what you're all about. Ipso facto, you're a pervert."

"Logic doesn't even exist in your world, does it? Absolutely no part of your conclusion followed from your argument!"

"Teme, teme," Naruto sighed, shaking his head as a patient parent would at an ignorant child. "My logic is undeniable. I learned this from Ero-sennin, after all." (Here Jiraiya-sama, God rest his soul, rolled in his watery grave at his name being used to justify this argument.) "It makes perfect sense! You see, you're willing to go to great lengths to get with a certain woman, you want to have babies with her and be a good father to them, which all amounts to you being a pervert."

Sasuke rubbed his forehead painfully hard, willing himself awake from this bizarre nightmare. Yes, he would awaken in his own bed, this mission will have never existed, and Naruto would not be lecturing him on the correlation between penguins and perversion.

His head thunked dully on the wall of the castle. A deep sigh slid out of him. It was all still here.

And the blonde was still talking. "You see, all guys are perverts at heart, teme. Ero-sennin taught me that. Part of you wants to embrace that—wants to don the penguin suit and act on your perverted tendencies by getting to makin' babies, and all that—but you're consciously repressing it, so it mostly only comes out in your dreams."

A vile chill flash-froze Sasuke's soul. Sweet holiness! Did Naruto just complete an argument that...followed some manner of...logic? As outlandish as it was, the conclusion still seemed to make sense in relation to the evidence presented, common sense set far, far aside. The entire premise was completely insane—Naruto was completely insane—yet, somehow he made it sound right, even to Sasuke's sceptical ears.

He hated it when Naruto did that; messed with your head, repeated something enough times so that you came to believe what he said, regardless of your own logic screaming, 'He's nuts! You're listening to a crazy person!' He brainwashed people with his own ardent belief in his convictions! Sasuke found the idea of Naruto succeeding in doing such to him absolutely infuriating. He almost had the Uchiha convinced that he was one of those unscrupulous perverts, like Kakashi or the dobe himself. How humiliating. Such an affront to his dignity was inexcusable and he couldn't help but try to take his vengeance via the only outlet currently available to him: by picking at Naruto's faults, as he saw them.

"You know, I dislike you in ways I thought were impossible," Sasuke muttered over the radio. "And it's not just your retarded tendency to create logic where it should never, ever exist. It's in the little things. Like how you have stretch marks on your face, as though you gave birth from your mouth. Or how you point at people with your chopsticks." He frowned at the memory. "Right in the face. It's unsanitary for both parties involved."

Naruto rolled his eyes and smirked as he listened to Sasuke's list of complaints. The whisker marks on his face were a pet peeve for the Uchiha? Seriously? "Could you be more anal retentive?" he remarked, with a chuckle hiding in his voice.

Sasuke's brow furrowed at the mocking tone. There were no jokes here. Not when the Uchiha pride was involved. "Yes," he replied succinctly, not caring that he had just seemingly insulted himself. "I could comment on how you pack your kunai holster completely wrong, or your inability to pronounce 'library' properly. It's library, not liberry."

"The name of your saviour is Prozac, teme. Find him, please."

"You're the one with the problems."

A short laugh came from Naruto's end before he said, "You're the one who thinks my habits are going to destroy your world unless they're stopped. Guess which one of us wins his very own padded room for that line of thinking?"

There was a moment of silence after that, as Sasuke had neither the energy nor the capacity to deliver a decent comeback and Naruto, having the upper hand, felt no need to continue poking at the metaphorical upside-down turtle that was Sasuke—i.e. a helpless loser.

"Gaahhh... Someone attack, already..." Naruto mumbled, more to himself than to his partner.

But Sasuke had also been thinking something along those lines. Walking through the specs of the mission again in his mind, the inconsistencies of it came glaring back at him. They knew something was off. That much had been obvious from their first few moments after arriving at the castle. But any attempt at discovering just what that something was required them to actually know what they were up against. Meaning, they needed another attack to occur. However, that facet in and of itself raised questions.

"How is it that the day we show up no attack happens, when there was one every day for five days prior?" Sasuke spoke over the radio, narrowed eyes scanning the nearby shrubbery.

"Maybe they knew we were here and we scared them off," Naruto offered unenthusiastically. A faux exuberance entered his voice when he added, "Hey! We've completed our mission! We can go home now."

"You really believe the world works that way, dobe?"

"I'll believe it if it means we can leave."

Sasuke couldn't argue with that line of reasoning, but didn't say anything back.

"Frankly, I don't think we should even be on this mission," Naruto commented thoughtfully.

"How's that?"

"Well, the guy is so..." he trailed off, face furrowed, eyes scanning the darkness of the overhanging roof as he sought the right expression. "Is 'gicky' a word?"

"Geeky?"

"No, 'gicky'. Like, he's so disturbing he's not just gross or icky, he's gicky."

Sasuke closed his eyes and shook his head at his friend's terminology. "That's not a word, Naruto. That's just you combining the other two."

"Well, that's how he makes me feel—gicky. Just...blehewugh!" The blonde shivered and cringed, as though trying to dispel an unpleasant taste. "Gives me the creeps. Makes you thankful Sakura-chan didn't come with us."

"Aa," Sasuke answered absently. He was brought back to reality by Naruto's chuckling over the radio. He scowled and muttered, "Shut up."

"Oh, come on! I really like 'lovesick puppy Sasuke'. It's sooo cute!" the other male cooed, overly sweet. He could already see the deep-seated glower on the dark-haired nin's face.

"Shut it."

"Now, now," Naruto chided. "You can't catch flies with vinegar, teme. You need something sweet."

The Uchiha huffed silently. "If I were an Aburame, that might mean something to me, but I have no interest in flies."

Naruto's face went flat at his rival's literalness. "It's a metaphor, teme. You know, like you and your 'box' thing before."

"I'm aware, dobe. I was being irreverent."

"Ah, you were just being yourself."

Sasuke's frown deepened slightly, before returning to normal—the guy was right, after all.

"And you totally illustrated my point, Vinegar-tongue," he continued, a pleased ease upon his face.

"Are you going anywhere with this?" Sasuke grumbled, shifting in his corner when his foot began to tingle uncomfortably.

"Yes."

"..."

"..."

He sighed impatiently and harshly asked, "Are you going there sometime this year, or—"

"You messed up my train of thought with all your negativity," came Naruto's screeching voice over the radio. He was clearly displeased. "My thought train has been derailed! I hope you're happy!"

A small smirk twisted Sasuke's lips. "It's hard to derail something that was never on track to begin with."

"Sasukeee!" the blonde growled, dragging out the 'e', as he often did when he was upset with the addressed male. "Ugh! It was awesome, too! It was like the most epicest metaphor ever, dattebayo."

"I'm sure."

"It was!" Naruto insisted, scowling into the distance, as though his look would permeate the darkness and convey his displeasure to the man who had caused it. "It was way better than your 'box' thing. Oh, how did it go?" His face took on that intense thinking look it always held when Naruto was seeking an answer to a dilemma that was simply beyond his mind's capacity to solve. Yes. That one. "Something about vinegar and baking soda and they chemically react and then when you put them in a mix of other stuff, it all melds to become something else—something flies like."

Sasuke's face went blank in unimpressed reaction. "Oh, that certainly is a dazzling metaphor, dobe," he commented flatly.

"Shut up!" said dobe snapped back, bristling at the sarcasm permeating the other male's words. "It was elegantly organized in my head before your pissy-waves messed with it."

"Hn."

"The point is change!" he continued, choosing to ignore the ungraciousness in his teammate's actions and give his advice anyway. "If your fly doesn't like vinegar, add something to the vinegar to make it into something the fly will like. If vinegar really wants that fly and he's not happy just being a clear acid, he should do something about it."

"Oh, please, just drop the metaphor already," Sasuke groused, huffing in irritation.

"Hey! You ruined it; you will suffer through the mess you made!"

"Tch."

"Anyway, the moral is, you need to become a cake," Naruto explained, nodding in agreement with himself. "Become a cake for your fly, Sasuke."

"There is no heaven," the Uchiha mumbled under his breath. "That's just the lie we tell ourselves to get through this hell called life."

"What was that, Sasucake?"

Sasuke's face contorted as though swallowing a lemon, at the new nickname. "That is the one and only time you will ever call me that," he spoke lowly, voice deceptively calm.

"Gotcha, Sasucookie."

"Do—"

A sudden crash sounded from within the rooms they were warding, putting an end to the duo's smack-talk.

"Naruto."

"I'm already moving, tortoise-chan."

Within moments of hearing the initial sounds of assault, both males were in the room, kunai brandished, prepared for whatever troublesome foe they might meet. Despite the inky black that hid the room's interior from view, the Konoha-nin were able to discern the scene surrounding them. A low table had been overturned, the expensive artistic accents and personal items on it were dashed to pieces on the floor, while a tapestry was torn by a broken shelf half-hanging from the wall. The air was heavy with the smell of what was undoubtedly cologne, a bottle having been smashed upon the floor. It was sickening to the point of spinning the edges of the ninja's minds. Leaning against his bed, clutching the blanket with a nervous hand, Harusato stood wide-eyed and near-hyperventilating.

"Are you hurt?" Naruto asked sharply, hoping to shake the daimyo out of his shock.

"N-no..." Harusato answered.

"Did you see them this time?" Sasuke asked gruffly, Sharingan eyes scanning the area, confirming what his instincts already told him—there were no foreign chakra signatures in this room.

"Yes...but they were just shadows."

"Which way did the 'shadows' go?" he pressed impatiently.

"I don't know. They just disappeared," the teen replied, voice quavering.

In blurs of movement, Kakashi and Sai arrived in the room.

"Is the daimyo safe?" the Copy-nin asked, surveying his surroundings with a shrewd, quick eye.

"Yeah. We missed the attackers, though," Naruto spoke, his voice subdued in disappointment. "We don't know which way they went."

The sensei was already in action, as his student spoke. After a quick flick of a kunai against his thumb and a few rapid hand seals, Pakkun materialized before them in a cloud of smoke.

"Kakashi," the small dog's rough voice drawled. "I know I have a contract with you, but don't you think you're abusing that privilege just a bit?"

"Pakkun."

"I ask for very few things in life," the canine continued, completely ignoring Kakashi or the urgency within the room. "One is a good night's sleep. Another is not to be yanked from my comfy doggy bed in the dead of night to chase down some dangerous people for a bunch of brats."

"Pakkun."

"I'm all about serving my village, and all that, but I prefer to serve from nine to five, not twenty-four/seven."

"Pakkun."

"Yes, Kakashi?" he finally acknowledged, turning his droopy eyes up in expectation.

"I need you to hunt down some people for me," the Copy-nin explained.

"Of course you do," the dog sighed, slouching lower to the ground.

"They were just in this room."

The ninja dog scratched at his ear a few times, replying, "Maa, I'll just search for recent scents, then. Though I can tell you right now, I'm not feeling terribly optimistic about this."

Kakashi turned back to his summon, his eye appearing slightly harder than usual. "Why? What's wrong?"

Pakkun took a tentative sniff and nearly turned green. "I know you can smell that broken bottle of cologne over there." He nodded in the direction of the mess of broken items on the floor. "I'm guessing it's that fancy stuff with pheromones in it. I'd be lucky if I could smell a dish of kibble if I were sitting on it, let alone finding your mysterious quarry."

Kakashi paused, feeling a tiny piece of the puzzle click into place within his mind. "Okay," he nodded slowly. "What if you searched the perimeter outside the room?"

"The chances of picking up a trail like that are extremely low, what with all the traffic out there, but I can try."

"Please do." He turned from the retreating dog to his waiting team. "Naruto. Sasuke. Do a search of the grounds. If you find a trail or a sign, inform me immediately. Sai. You will stay here and guard Matsudaira-sama."

A chorus of 'Hai's answered him, before everyone took to their duties.

When Pakkun's sniffing and Naruto and Sasuke's searching turned up no results, the Copy-nin accepted it with his characteristic calm, while his mind whirred as the picture became just a little clearer to him.


A large yawn pulled Naruto's mouth into a gaping chasm, as the normally hyperactive ninja stretched and blinked tired eyes at the early morning sun. An unsuccessful night meant another dignity-squashing day. Oh. joy.

"If I hear him giggle on more time, I'm sealing his mouth with an exploding note," he vowed to himself, frowning at his cold ramen breakfast. Even his one true joy in life was ruined by this mission. Well, screw this.

"Hey teme," he called to the silent male leaning against the shadowed wall, eyes closed as though wishing for sleep to overtake him again. Sasuke wasn't a morning person even on a good day. Today, he was probably wishing the world didn't exist so that, therefore, morning wouldn't exist, either. Regardless, Naruto couldn't care less about his rival/best friend's hatred for dawn; right now, his only joy was icy cold, which was completely unacceptable. It would be nigh sacrilege to eat it in such a state. And so he chose to prod the other male for assistance. "Sasuke, you teme," he repeated when no response came.

Deep furrows formed between the Uchiha's dark eyebrows, but, still, he remained silent.

"Teme! If you don't answer me, the first thing I'm doing when we get home is telling Sakura-chan all about your filthy, filthy obsession with her. I'll have you put on the registered sex offenders list before I'm done, dattebayo!"

"What do you want, usuratonkachi?" Sasuke's irritated voice cut in. His dark eyes opened to slits of anger, his face a full scowl.

Naruto didn't even have the energy to grin with the satisfaction of forcing his rival to bow to his will. Under other circumstances, he would be lording it over the Uchiha, but that required some measure of elation that was, as of yet, absent from his day.

"My ramen's cold," he replied, proffering said food to the other grumpy male. "Heat it up for me with one of your Katon jutsu thingys."

"Do it yourself," Sasuke scoffed, closing his eyes again and settling back against the wall, arms crossed.

A wry smile whispered at the blonde's lips. "I wonder if Sakura-chan will take one or both your balls when she finds out about your deviant habits? I know she won't use anaesthesia."

"I'm not a deviant!" Sasuke spat, glaring at the other man. "I don't want to hear that from someone like you."

"You will be one, in her eyes, once I've explained it all to her," Naruto replied, grinning cheekily despite his fatigue. "I can be very descriptive, you know. Those supposedly innocent pictures and dreams will become akin to hardcore XXX voyeur porn, by the time I'm done explaining it to her, dattebayo."

Sasuke eyed the whiskered male carefully. "You wouldn't use your opportunity for blackmail on something this asinine."

"'Asinine'?!" Naruto screeched, eyes bugging in incredulity. "You just sinned against my ears!" he shouted, clapping his hands over said organs, eyes screwed shut.

"What—"

"Matters of ramen are not asinine! Ramen is Greatness in food form! It's everything that's Good and True in this world! How dare you sully its name with your foul words?!"

He stared at Naruto blankly. "So...you eat 'everything that's Good and True in this world' for breakfast? Wouldn't that make you the Devil?"

"It's a metaphor! I'm good at those types of things, unlike you!" Naruto shot back, looking upon him with clear disapproval on his face.

"Oh, I know," Sasuke drawled sarcastically. "It's a wonder how you could have failed language class with such superior linguistic skills."

"I know, right?! Iruka-sensei was totally off-base with that one, dattebayo!"

Naruto continued to bask in his self-perceived awesomeness, while Sasuke mentally banged his head against the wall—because doing that physically would have brought unwanted attention from the blonde and, really, right now, Sasuke would rather the guy continued to be preoccupied with himself than with him; spare him another 'epic metaphor' the likes of which the world should never see.

Like a sudden gust of wind, Kakashi appeared in their midst. His one visible eye was all business, though it crinkled slightly at the despondent expressions on his students' faces.

"Come now! Someday this will all be but an unhappy, repressed memory," he spoke easily.

The younger males cast him skewed looks, electing not to comment.

Seeing no avenue with his lethargic subordinates, Kakashi whipped out his dear Icha Icha Paradise and settled against the nearby railing. There was no reason why he had to be down and out just because the young'uns were emoing out. "If you boys would just pick up a hobby, you wouldn't find times like this so bothersome." He shook his book in demonstration.

Sasuke scoffed, wrinkling his nose at his teacher's hobby of choice. "Getting lost in a fake porno world isn't something I feel like occupying my time with."

"But you would if it were a real porno world?" Naruto clarified, staring at his comrade with an open expression."

"I didn't say that."

"But you didn't say anything to the contrary, either."

"That doesn't mean it's true."

"But you still haven't denied it."

"I don't need to deny it!" Sasuke snapped, irritation levels spiking. "I'm not going to give you the satisfaction."

"That's what she said. Heh heh!" Naruto chuckled at his own joke.

Dark eyes narrowed on the snickering blonde. "Shut up, usuratonkachi."

"And yet, still no denial." The jinchuuriki smiled widely at the man he was pestering.

Sasuke let out a low huff of air before turning away with nose raised. "I'm not getting dragged into another one of your stupid arguments."

"Trying to deflect still doesn't change the fact that you're not denying it."

"And I'm not going to."

"Because it's true, right?"

"N—"

"Sasuke hearts porn!" he shouted, drawing the attention of a number of servants and other workers nearby.

"Shut the hell up, you retard!" the Uchiha snapped, very conscious of the strange, disapproving looks he was getting from the nearby females, and even more conscious of the wide grins beaming his way from a few older men who would probably make good friends with Kakashi. They had 'Icha Icha Fan Club' written all over them.

"That's still not a denial!" Naruto insisted, shaking his head. "SASUKE!"

"Dobe!"

"PORN!"

"You—!"

"HE LOVES HIS PORN!"

"Naruto!"

"Sasuke's a big porn-lover! That's another thing to tell Sakura-chan about when we get home!"

"You won't—"

"I will! I told you to warm up my ramen, yet it's still cold." He clucked his tongue in disappointment. "I have no choice but to tell her now! My hands are tied!"

"You will not—"

"I'm gonna tell her you wish life were a disgusting XXX porn movie, dattebayo! And she'll believe me." He shook a finger in Sasuke's face, emphasizing his point. "You know why? Because everything about you screams, 'Repressed hormones! I'm a nymphomaniac at heart! Now, where's my porn, so I can supplement my unfulfilled obsession with Sakura with tasteless smut that I'll never experience in real life?!'"

Sai came around at 'I'm a nympho' and stared curiously at Naruto for the remainder of his rant. When the blonde finished, the ROOT member attempted—that's attempted—an encouraging smile and said, "It must have taken a lot of courage for you to admit such a private secret so loudly, Naruto-kun. Good for you! I've read that keeping such secrets and being in denial about them is very emotionally destructive, both to yourself and to others. That you've finally openly admitted it means you are ready to take the next step in overcoming your addiction."

He took a step forward and placed a hand on the other male's shoulder, to which Naruto's eyes widened significantly as he stared back and forth between Sai's face and his pale hand, bewildered by the situation.

Placing a hand upon an insecure person's shoulder lends them comfort and lets them know you are there to support them, Sai thought to himself, recalling having read such advice in a book once. It's awkward, but Naruto-kun will draw strength and reassurance from it. So, I must endure the discomfiture.

Eye contact is also important in these situations.

He made certain he was staring straight into Naruto's wide, wavering gaze, as he continued, "I offer you my assistance in this endeavour. I have read much on this 'step program' approach that is recommended for overcoming addictions, and I believe that I can guide you through it. Of course, you need a strong support base around you, right now." He frowned, an uncomfortable look crossing his face as he glanced at Sasuke. "Though, the Traitor's presence may prove to be a hindrance, considering your intimate relations with him."

"Oh my Ramen! Stop talking now!" Naruto shouted, making warding motions with his arms, as though to protect himself from Sai's words, shaking the other male's hand off his shoulder in the process.

"What is it, Naruto-kun?" Sai asked, a strange half-formed frown of concern on his pale face.

"I don't need your help! I'm fine!"

"The book said this might happen," he nodded to himself. "You're backsliding into denial. But you must fight it. You're stronger than your addiction, Naruto-kun!" A never-before-seen look of urgency made its awkward appearance on Sai's rigid face. "You just have to believe in yourself. And if you fear you're not strong enough, know that we are here for you. You can rely on us."

While Kakashi and Sasuke looked on in pure amusement, Naruto sputtered, trying to explain himself to the fourth man.

"It's not like that, dattebayo!" he insisted, shaking his head in emphasis. "I wasn't even talking about me."

"No, of course not," the artist nodded his understanding. "It was the old 'you'. The 'you' that shall exist no more, now that you're on the road to recovery. That 'you' is dead! Yes. Excellent visualization of your goals, Naruto-kun," he said, nodding his head avidly. "It's important that you don't lose sight of that. The old, sex-addicted 'you' is dead and gone. The new 'you' is alive and well and does not need sex to feel good about himself." Sai made certain he was staring intently into Naruto's disturbed gaze as he emphasized the last statement. "That's a mantra you should repeat to yourself anytime you feel yourself backsliding into your old, unhealthy habits of debauchery. Sex is not love."

"Sai!" the blonde cried, shaking his head. "I'm not a sex-addict! That was—"

"Yes, I know. That's not who you are anymore," he nodded again. "It is in the past, never to be revisited. Except to complete your next step, which is to take ownership for your actions and apologize to all those who your addiction may have hurt. So, all your friends and even your casual lovers," his eyes shifted meaningfully in Sasuke's direction, "you need to apologize to them for the pain your actions may have caused."

Naruto stared back at the artist, his expression sour, as though he just swallowed five lemons consecutively.

On the railing, Kakashi had his book raised high to cover his entire face, as he fought to contain his laughter, though his shoulders were visibly shaking.

In his spot by the wall, Sasuke was in similar straits, having bowed his head and turned away to hide his very amused expression from view, an unchecked grin making his jaw ache. Ah, Karma was a dear, wasn't she? And so prompt, too.

Still sputtering, Naruto again attempted to correct Sai's misunderstanding. "I wasn't talking about me. I was talking about Sasuke."

"Sasuke-kun?" Sai frowned, clearly troubled by this new information. "That's...a little odd, don't you think?"

"Huh? It's not weird."

"Well... I know I should not be judging." An uncomfortable look edged his features as he spoke. "I'm supposed to be supportive but, identifying your past self as 'Sasuke' and having taken Sasuke-kun as a lover when you were your past self, seems a little...odd."

"When are you going to realize that we're not like that?!" Naruto shouted, waving his hands erratically. "That has never and will never happen!"

From his place of brooding, Sasuke was nodding along vigorously with the blonde's statements. Good grief! How thick was the Replacement that he still didn't get it? Or perhaps, Sasuke thought, he did get it but chose to play ignorant to piss them off. Oh, that so seemed like the Replacement's style. His glower darkened a shade at the thought.

Sai blinked innocently at the two scowling shinobi, curiosity and confusion showing through his features. "But I clearly saw you and the Traitor—"

"You saw Naruto on the verge of vomiting and me trying to escape him after fighting with each other," Sasuke said, his tone sharp and not at all amused.

"That's not what it loo—"

"It doesn't matter what it looked like! We're telling you it wasn't, so it wasn't!" Naruto screeched, slashing an arm through the air in a sign of conclusion.

"If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck," Sai replied, raising a brow meaningfully.

"Or it's just Sasuke's duck-butt hairdo," Naruto shrugged, earning a nasty look from said duck-butt sporting male.

Sai paused a moment, obviously pondering the blonde's off-hand counter, as he eyed Sasuke's head critically. "I will concede to your point, Naruto-kun," he said with a nod.

Naruto grinned cheekily while Sasuke cast dark looks at both males. They had no idea the trouble he went to for this epic 'do! Half a container of wax and gel, and intense conditioner for that full-body movement in the wind made for very expensive upkeep! Upkeep he took great pride in.

Freaking noobs with their simple hairstyles. Only Kakashi could possibly understand the trials and drama involved in coaxing your hair into defying gravity twenty-four/seven.

"Well, everyone," Kakashi sighed, turning another page in his book. "We have another day ahead of us. While it's unlikely an attack will occur during the day, considering the pattern, Matsudaira-sama must be guarded at all times, nonetheless."

Looks of resentment overtook two of his subordinates' faces, while Sai remained neutral, as always.

"And why is no one with him now?" Sasuke asked, eyeing the two nin who had shown up there last.

"It's fine," Kakashi shrugged. "He's in there," he nodded at the nearby room, not fifteen feet from them. "But that's also something I wanted to discuss. While you're guarding him, I want you to observe him carefully; his habits and his characteristics."

Naruto pulled a face at that. "Isn't it bad enough we have to be near him, now we have to, like, look at him and stuff, too?"

"You can oftentimes learn a lot about your enemy by learning about their victims," Sai said, his tone such that it was obvious he was reiterating some textbook line. Turning to the Copy-nin, he added, "That is what you are aiming for, is it not, Kakashi-sensei?"

"Aa. Something like that," the greyhead hummed absently. Another page turned.

"Is there anything specific you want us to look out for?" Sasuke asked.

"Mm. Anything that you find strange, is all."

"Pfft!" Naruto snorted. "Let's pick out the things that are normal about him! It'll be a lot quicker. He's human, so that's one. Aannd...that's it! All done!"

Kakashi's eye twinkled ever-so slightly. "Just observe carefully. I don't have to tell you to be inconspicuous."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Aa."

"Hai."


The day passed without incident, as had been expected. Attempting to comply with Kakashi's orders, Naruto had observed some of the daimyo's activities more closely than usual...for all of ten minutes. It was fine when the kid was playing Chrono Trigger and kept getting ticked off when Magus pwned him in the Fiendlord's Keep, but when he switched to playing make-believe battles with his superhero dolls—I'm sorry, with his action figures, Naruto drew the line. He just couldn't make himself watch someone pretend that Spiderman could defeat Green Lantern without assistance and then have Sailor Moon come in and pwn the entire Justice League herself. Really, the guy had no concept of continuity in his play.

Sasuke had similar problems when it came to studying their strange client. Five straight episodes of Star Trek wasn't something he had ever really cared to sit through. Five straight episodes of Star Trek while a geeky teenager repeated the script of each episode verbatim, complete with sound effects, was something he would sell a kidney to ensure he would never have to sit through again.

Somehow, the day drew to a close, with the ninja a little more mentally numb, but otherwise no more worse for the wear.

Alas, another night meant another shift of watch duty for the four ninja. An unexpected warm front had moved in, making the night air uncomfortably hot, which only served to further irritate the already out of sorts men.

It was the second watch, already. Naruto and Sasuke had opted for the posting again as a sort of atonement for last night's failure. They were certain the attack would occur during the later hours of the night. All the previous attacks had occurred during this timeframe, as well. In addition to being total retards at extorting and killing people, the attackers were also very formulaic. But this apparent simple-mindedness did not ease the shinobi's nerves. Indeed, it served more to infuriate them, that they had been routed by such idiots.

Naruto was once again hidden in the eaves of the castle. This time he had the foresight to visit the facilities prior to taking up his duties, so no urgent biological needs would be distracting him tonight. "We gotta be extra vigilant, teme," he said, blue eyes scanning the dark foliage beyond his perch. "There'll be no failure from you, tonight."

"From me?" Sasuke repeated, rearing at the accusation. "Are you suggesting that I am to blame for last night's debacle?"

"No one's laying blame," Naruto spoke diplomatically. "I'm just saying, you had better not screw up this time."

The dark nin rolled his eyes. "I didn't screw up! If one of us messed up, it was you."

"Me?!"

"Yeah, you. You got there first, didn't you?" he sneered, a smirk coming through in his words. "'I'm already moving, tortoise-chan,' that's what you said. The first on the scene is the first one responsible for pursuit and capture. That's standard procedure."

Naruto pulled a face at the allegations Sasuke was laying against him. "Pfft! If you hadn't been spreading all your negativity around, I wouldn't have been troubled with the task of dealing with your emofit and then I could have focused properly on the important stuff, dattebayo."

"Your inability to focus isn't due to anything I've done; it's due to your ADHD. If you were mature enough to take your Ritalin yourself, it wouldn't be a problem. And unfortunately, Sakura isn't here to administer it for you."

"Sakura, Sakura, Sakura!" Naruto groused, sighing as he shook his head. "That's what it always comes back to with you. You're like one of those girls who obsess over a guy who doesn't even know they exist, and spend their time drawing hearts around their names and editing pictures so it looks like they're kissing." He let out a dramatic gasp as a revelation hit him. "You're a fan-girl! You're a Sakura-chan fan-girl, dattebayo!"

"I am not!"

"You so are, you loser!"

A deep tic formed in Sasuke's brow, making his face hurt, as he attempted to rein in his irritation. He would not get into it with Naruto again. He would not get into it with Naruto again. He would not

"That explains why you've been stalking her for the past few months.

"I have not been stalking her!" he snapped, his vow to remain impassive out the window now.

"I'm pretty sure following a person around without them knowing about it constitutes stalking, teme-chan."

"It wasn't—"

"'It wasn't like that,' is what you were going to say." Naruto chuckled at the thought of his friend's sour expression right now. "But I don't see how it couldn't be 'like that'. I mean, you weren't carrying her books and groceries for her, so you weren't doing her a service, and you weren't engaging in light and witty conversation with her, so you weren't flirting with her. She didn't even know you were there, so what else could it have been, if it wasn't 'like that'? And just so I'm sure we're on the same page here, 'like that' means 'depraved and creepy beyond what's legal', right?"

"...Yes." Sasuke reluctantly bit out, face set in a lifeless expression. For the love of... How had Naruto known about the stalking—ah, the covert surveillance he was conducting on Sakura? He had been so careful, too. It wasn't like he was doing anything weird. It was just...supervision. Yes. That's it. He was supervising her to make sure she was...safe and...alone. That is to say, to make sure she wasn't being followed by other stalkers—by real stalkers, I mean...andtomakesureshewasn'tgoingtoseeanyoneelse, either. But that was it! It wasn't like he was watching her in the shower, or something else 'depraved and creepy beyond what's legal'. I mean, he couldn't do that even if he wanted to; her bathroom doesn't even have a window. Duh! And he knew that because he has been to her house before, not because he peeked in every window in her home in hopes of finding it. Yeah. ...Ahem.

"You know, when I think about it, I really shouldn't be using this information to blackmail you," Naruto said, contemplation in his voice.

That small bubble of hope that had always been so reluctant to rise within Sasuke, began its upward trek, ever-so slowly...

"I pretty much have a duty to inform the authorities about you now. You're a freaking sexual predator."

...only to be popped effortlessly by his accursed best friend. Nice.

"I am no such thing," Sasuke muttered, glaring at a particular tree for no reason other than it was there.

"You also say you're not a pervert, a Sakura-chan fan-girl, or a stalker, yet we both know those are lies," Naruto hummed, stating everything as fact now, not even bothering to put emphasis into his words in an attempt to convince anyone; there was no doubt anymore. "Let's face it; this doesn't exactly come as a surprise. You were headed down this path a long time ago, already."

"Tch."

"I mean, you ran off to learn from the Snake Sicko. Who better to learn stalking and predatory techniques from than the guy who stalked and preyed on you?"

"It wasn't—"

"Yeah, yeah," Naruto interrupted, voice bland. "It wasn't like that. I heard you the first time. But if it wasn't like that, it doesn't explain why he always stuck his tongue way out and licked his lips when he looked at, talked about, or thought about you."

"He had a nervous twitch," Sasuke muttered, scowling at the memories of a few altercations he had had in Sound. Yeah. That tongue was nasty.

"Oh, is that what they call it nowadays?"

A sudden, shrill scream made both shinobi tense. It took them scant seconds to arrive at the scene, weapons ready and instincts sharp. Naruto arrived first, being the closest one to the exit. Sasuke followed seconds later.

Splayed out on the floor, half-through a broken shoji screen, Harusato lay, trembling and moaning in pain. The smell of blood was evident, though not pervasive. Whatever injuries he had sustained had to be minimal.

"Dobe?"

"They're not here."

Kakashi was in the room moments later, looking to his students expectantly.

"Where's Sai?" Naruto asked, helping the daimyo to his feet.

"He's outside to watch for anyone making a retreat," the older man explained, taking his surroundings in quickly.

"How the hell could you let them get past you, dobe?!" Sasuke snapped, glaring at the other male.

"Hey!" Naruto cried, clearly affronted and not a little annoyed. "What makes you think they got past me?! They probably got past you and your freaking blind eyes!"

"What did you just—?"

"That's enough!" Kakashi barked, his eye flashing with slight irritation; a rare display for him. Really, no one was enjoying this mission, least of all the Copy-nin. "Did any of you see them?"

"No," Naruto answered, clearly dejected at being thwarted yet again.

"They just disappeared like last time," Sasuke muttered, eyeing the room critically. "This is ridiculous," Sasuke muttered to himself, scowling at a fresh hole in the previously pristine wall. That enemies who were so clearly less than even amateurs had eluded capture while he was on watch was a serious slap in the face and kick in the butt to his ego. And it wasn't just the failure—it was also that this meant he would have to spend more time around the Replacement and that punk daimyo. He wasn't sure which one was creepier—the dick-obsessed robot or the Team Seven-obsessed basement child. Both were currently ranked second on his updated hit list (number one was permanently reserved for Naruto, considering how often the guy pissed him off).

To his left, Naruto was kicking sulkily at the remains of a broken end table. "They sure cause a lot of damage," he commented quietly, as he glanced about the room. "No wonder they've never gotten around to chopping that geek's head off; they spend all their attack time busting up his stuff. Are these guys even serious about killing him? Seems more like they're just messing with him."

Sasuke nodded mentally. The lack of organization involved in virtually every aspect of these 'attacks' had been highly suspicious from the very beginning. Sasuke and Sai's initial investigation of the first crime scene had made it very clear to him that things weren't as they seemed. And as the days passed, the horrible feeling that this crappy mission was nothing more than an otaku's dream come true became more and more pervasive. He wasn't the only one thinking this way. Kakashi had been suspecting something was off from the get go, and if the Replacement wasn't a total retard, he did too.

"You two will go help Sai with the search," Kakashi ordered, to which they both nodded and then disappeared.

Off to the side, Kakashi made a few movements and a moment later a puff of smoke signalled the arrival of Pakkun.

"You know, you're seriously killing my love life with this new habit of yours," the ninken groused, staring up at his summoner with apparent disinterest.

"Pakkun, I—" Kakashi began, only to be cut off by said dog.

"You probably think I just sit around at home, chewing on a bone, waiting for you to summon me."

"Pakkun."

"Well, I don't," the pug continued, ignoring the man before him. "I have people to see, parties to attend, ladies to seduce, but you're not making that easy for me."

"Pakkun."

"Yes, Kakashi?"

"It's the same deal as last time."

A deep sigh seemed to deflate Pakkun's small form by half. "Hai, hai," he mumbled, nose already to the floor, tail high, as he trolled for the scent of the enemy.

After a few minutes of sniffing, Pakkun stopped moving and sat himself down, though he continued to sniff regularly and managed to rub at his nose with his paw.

"Maa. It's no use, Kakashi," he called out, his voice sounding strangely muffled, despite his mouth being unobstructed.

"What's wrong," the Copy-nin asked, eyeing his summon carefully. Something was off with this guy.

"That humidifier is emitting some sort of potpourri that's blocking up my sinuses here," the dog managed to say between sniffles and subsequent sneezes.

"You're serious?"

Pakkun turned his droopy, watering eyes on Kakashi, ever-sober. "It's four in the morning and I have mucous running down my cute muzzle. Do I look like I'm joking?"

The senior nin sighed quietly, nodding to let Pakkun know that he could return home.

On his bed, Matsudaira was being tended to by an attendant, having his minor wounds cleaned, which brought small winces and yelps from the young noble.

In a blur of movement, Kakashi was back outside. He pressed the contact button on his radio and spoke, "Has anyone found anything?"

"Nope."

"No."

"No."

He nodded to himself, his suspicions confirmed, before saying, "Come back here."

"We're not done canvassing the area, yet," Naruto protested. He really wanted to catch these people!

"You're not going to find anything. Come back," Kakashi repeated, leaving no room for argument.

A few moments later, the team was back together, not five metres from the daimyo's lit bedchamber. The younger nin were watching their leader with mild confusion, as they awaited his explanation.

"We've been here three days, there have been two incidents, and we have yet to even see the perpetrators," Kakashi began, keeping his voice low to ensure the privacy of their conversation. "This isn't so unusual; ninja must be patient. Our work is rarely completed in one day."

"Kaka-sensei," Naruto spoke up. "If this is about us letting them get past us, we—"

"This isn't about that," the greyhead cut him off, shaking his head. "I suspect no one got past you, this night or last."

"What do you mean?"

"What have you observed about Matsudaira-sama? I told you to watch him carefully."

"He likes making tea," Naruto offered bluntly, brow skewed in question as he wondered whether that were pertinent information or not.

"And?" Kakashi prodded, looking for something more.

"Aanndd...shinobi?" the loudmouthed ninja slowly dragged out, squinting at his teacher in question.

"Anyone else?" the elder male asked, looking to the other two in the group.

"He has information on us that he should not, so far as to know I am a member of ROOT," Sai responded evenly. "It may not be difficult to learn of your rank or even your team name, but for an outsider to know of my involvement in the organization, and the circumstances under which I joined this team, is highly troubling."

"Yes," Kakashi nodded. "He knows an awful lot about us, from our jutsu to our personal information. He knows what we're capable of, but that also means he knows what we're incapable of, to some extent."

"Eh?" Naruto grunted, while the other two watched on expectantly.

"I can assume he knew about my ninken. It's not really a secret; I've used them so often. However, somehow, on the two nights we have attacks, there is something released into the air of the room to thwart even Pakkun's nose. Now, on the night of the first attack, I thought perhaps a ninja could have thought fast and made certain that they broke the bottle of cologne to throw us off and been lucky that it had pheromones in it, or it could have indeed simply been collateral damage. But tonight it was a potpourri in Matsudaira-sama's humidifier that did it. Pakkun's allergic to roses like you wouldn't believe," he explained, when he got strange looks. "That's two times where the one person who could have found our disappearing attackers was rendered incapable of using the talent that could have detected them. The cologne could have been a coincidence, but the humidifier is not. That was Matsudaira-sama's doing."

Realization swept over the two dark-haired nin, as the implications of Kakashi's words hit home.

A certain blonde was a little bit slower on the uptake, but he too soon saw where his teacher was going with his explanation. "You think he's the attacker?!"

"Keep it down, dobe," Sasuke muttered, glancing back at the castle. "We don't want him knowing we know."

"Why not? I'll go in there and show that loser to mess with us!"

"No, you won't," Kakashi interjected calmly, having been expecting such a reaction from Naruto.

"But he's totally screwing with us!" A melancholic frown bent his features. "I feel used! Like a doll that's no longer loved by its owner and was given to the family pet as a chew toy!"

Sasuke cringed, shaking his head. "How do you come up with these things?"

"I use my brain, unlike you."

"Tch! You—"

"Children will behave!" Kakashi interrupted sternly, eyeing them both evenly.

They scowled back at him for having the audacity to call them 'children', but he would make no apologies—if the shoe fits, and all that.

"Now, as I was saying—"

"Kaka-sensei," Naruto cut in, frowning curiously at the grey-haired man. "Aren't we kind of being careless."

He watched the blue-eyed youth questioningly. "What do you mean?"

"Well, basing your whole theory on Pakkun being nose-blocked is kind of a weak premise, isn't it?" the jinchuuriki explained, scratching his cheek thoughtfully.

"It's not just that," Sasuke spoke up. "He's way too relaxed. Someone who's had multiple attempts made on his life doesn't sit back and have tea with his buddies during the day, in the very room he was once attacked in. It's like he knows he won't be attacked during the day. And then he brags about his life being in danger to his friends and basically shows us off to them. They're obsessed with shinobi. He was more interested in us personally than he was with letting us do our job." He shook his head. "If he truly feared for his life, he wouldn't be so carefree."

Kakashi nodded, before adding, "And then figure in that he hasn't been seriously hurt—a few cuts and scrapes don't count; a dedicated faker would do that themselves in a heartbeat. Then there's the threat letter that supposedly arrived five days after the attacks began. That never made any sense. No harm was ever done to the daimyo, but his room would be trashed. It's all completely disorganized, and entirely inefficient. No shinobi would do this. Not even to throw us off. It simply cannot work."

"So...are we going to leave then?" Naruto asked, glancing between his comrades. "I mean, if there are no attackers, then there is no mission, right? We don't need to stay."

"It's not that simple," Kakashi sighed, rubbing the back of his neck tiredly. "We can't just go to the daimyo and say, 'You're a liar, so we're leaving.' We have to gain substantial proof of his trickery so it doesn't look like we're the liars."

"But we already proved it!"

"No, we need physical evidence."

"You don't think he'll cave if we just confront him with what we know?" Sasuke asked, not liking the idea of sticking around to search for proof of Harusato's guilt.

"He's so into this story, I think he'll do anything to keep it going," the Copy-nin answered. "He's obviously not the best at staging faux crimes, but he did manage to keep us guessing for a few days. He won't cede defeat unless we have proper proof. And for Konoha's reputation as well, we need to go about this properly. We don't want a daimyo accusing our village of unprofessionalism."

The others nodded their agreement, grudgingly accepting what they must do.


The next morning, Harusato requested Team Kakashi assemble before him so he could address them on a certain matter. Kakashi held no illusions as to what that matter was—it was the next step in the young lord's plan, and the only way he could step it up was to do this certain thing. But he kept it to himself and didn't share it with his team. No need to send Naruto and Sasuke into the room annoyed and pissed off. No it would be better that they became pissed off afterward. Less chance of bloodshed that way.

"You still haven't caught my attackers. I find this most unsatisfactory, Team Kakashi." The yiggle they knew they would never get used to, came out here, forcing the shinobi's shoulders to bunch in irritation. "Perhaps you are forgetting that my life is on the line, here! I thought I had Konoha's finest guarding me, but it would seem that was all merely hype."

The rage simmering within two of his subordinates was nearly palpable to Kakashi. Oh, those boys hated this daimyo. Hated. And that sentiment had only amplified after last night's revelation. Not that Kakashi himself was in a much more positive state of mind. Being repeatedly insulted by a punk-brat who was only tolerable to his, no doubt, enabler mother, wasn't really something he appreciated. But unlike his students, he wasn't easy to anger—at least not externally.

"Matsudaira-sama," Kakashi began, his voice deceptively easy. "I assure you, you are safe in our care. The events of these past two nights have presented some anomalies, which we are sorting out."

"While you're preoccupied with your 'sorting', the lord is still in mortal danger!" Gin spoke up, his face contorted in clear disgust.

"He will be safe. We will not allow any harm to befall the daimyo."

"I'm not convinced. I don't feel the confidence and safety I felt with you before," Harusato answered sharply, eyeing them with a desperately held-together unimpressed look. Oh, he was trying hard here. "I think you should call for backup."

And there it was. Exactly what Kakashi had expected. After all, he already had a full team of ninja. The only way for the daimyo's twisted little fantasy game to get even better would be to have more shinobi show up. Bigger and grander, the plan had to grow, after all. That's how obsessions work.

"Matsudaira-sama, that is really unnecessary," Kakashi replied calmly. "We can handle this."

He was so not calling for backup when there wasn't even a real mission to complete! It would be a terrible waste of resources and, honestly, he really didn't want to give this kid the satisfaction.

Harusato was not appeased by his answer. "I don't believe you can. Now, I am commissioning backup for the team I am currently contracting. This is my request as your client and as the Matsue Domain's daimyo," he proclaimed, holding himself high and as commanding as a pale, scrawny sixteen-year-old who was hunched from playing video games all day could get.

In an act of truly admirable self-control, the Copy-nin bit his tongue behind his masked lips and gave a quick bow. There would be no deterring him and if he wanted it, it was Kakashi's begrudging duty to see to it that he got it. Pissing of a daimyo wasn't something Tsunade would reward kindly, after all.

"If that is your request, I will send word to Konoha immediately," he replied in a tone that sounded blandly acquiescent, but was clearly peeved off to his students' experienced ears.

The daimyo was clearly pleased by the ninja's concession, his lips quirking in poorly controlled satisfaction. "Excellent. I will feel much more at ease once they arrive."

"Matsudaira-sama," Kakashi addressed the teen, giving another short bow, before the team left the young noble's presence.

Once they were out of earshot, a scowling blonde couldn't hold off his tirade any longer.

"I can't believe what a huge douche that guy is! Insulting our ninja prowess like we're some noobs. What does he think we're some genin who are in over their heads?!"

"Technically, you and Sasuke-kun are still genin," Sai commented easily, as though he were pointing out the obvious.

Naruto stared back at the artist, eyes slitted in disdain, while one of Sasuke's eyebrows crouched lower on his face as he turned his nose up in indignation. Ooh. Touchy subject.

"Technically, we're qualified to be jounin," Naruto clipped out, his face stony.

"Technically, that statement cannot be made unless you have successfully completed the Jounin Exam. And before you can do that, you must successfully complete the Chuunin Exam. Since you have done neither, you are technically only qualified to be exactly what you are—genin."

By this point, Naruto's short fuse was somewhere between 't. ' and 'he's so getting a fist to the face for his birthday'. You. did. not. insult. his. ninja. powa!

"I'm saying we're strong enough to be jounin."

"And I'm saying that what you're saying is biased and untrue."

"It is so true!"

"No it is not," Sai calmly insisted, shaking his head. "You are not of such status that you are qualified to make such a judgement on any ninja, and are most certainly not qualified to pass judgement on yourself. Therefore, your claims are illegitimate."

"Pfft! Listen here, you teme-wannabe! You—"

"Excuse me?" Sai interrupted, the blank expression absent from his face as some rare display of irritation furrowed his brow and tightened his visage. "'Teme-wannabe'? I am no wannabe. I didn't fill the Traitor's spot in this team—I recreated it. I'm not some poser teme. I'm the real deal."

"You'll never be half the teme Sasuke is!" Naruto shouted, looking upon the other male indignantly.

"Pfft. I'm ten times the teme that traitor is."

"No you aren't! What that guy does with his temeness; it's like an art, dattebayo!"

Sai cocked an eyebrow and said, "And just who do you think you're talking to?"

"Pfft! This is way more than swirling colourful paste on a canvas and rubbing some fire remains on some paper!" the blonde replied, waving his hands in some communicative gesture understood only to Naruto. "I'm talking live implementation! A living, breathing art form! You've got nothing on that! Nothing, I tell you, dattebayo!"

"You're awfully emotional about this. Do you have a thing for Traitor's 'thing', Dickless?"

"Gah!" Naruto shouted, blanching at the other male's vulgar words. "Stop saying sick stuff like that! You're the only one with a thing for other peoples' 'things', you perv!"

The artist looked mildly incredulous. "You are calling me a pervert?"

"Yeah, that's right, you sicko. That's how messed up you are."

Before the two feuding teammates could get into a more intense altercation, their squad leader stepped up to them, clearly all business.

"I just sent Pakkun to Konoha with a request for a backup team," Kakashi explained, taking out a certain green book, which he immediately began to read.

"Did you tell the old granny our client's a whack-job who we should just let die off as a courtesy to the human race?"

"No," the greyhead hummed, a slight smile tweaking at his eye. "But I did inform her that our reinforcements needn't be a whole team, or anything. Just a medic and another shinobi as their escort will suffice. With an extended mission, it's a sensible request."

"Why didn't we have a medic from the start?" Sasuke muttered sourly. "Isn't the Godaime the one who insists all teams have a member who's a medic?"

"Well, our ranks are stretched a little thin at the moment and our track record is pretty good when it comes to injuries. I suppose she figured if a team had to go without a medic, it should be us."

The Uchiha frowned. "We wouldn't be if Sakura had just come along."

"Oh, are you still moaning about that?" Naruto complained, rolling his eyes. "It's one mission without her and you start pining away like Juliet for her Romeo."

Sai tilted his head in question. "Don't you mean—?"

"I meant what I said," the blonde stated flatly. He turned flat eyes on his rival. "You get dinged once and you're right away separated by a box, or whatever."

"Am I missing something?"

Turning to the inquiring artist, Naruto explained, "Sasuke-teme told Sakura-chan she had to come on our mission with us, even though she was on a break so she clocked him in the nads. And now Sasuke-teme's delicate man-feelings are hurt and he fears he shan't ever reach unto the heart he so ardently yearns for." The blonde ended his rant with a flourishing pose; head tilted back, the back of his hand pressed to his brow, eyes closed, his entire form a flamboyant lament.

To convey just what he thought of his best friend's mockery of him, Sasuke jabbed Naruto's unprotected abdomen, earning the Uchiha a satisfying "Oomf!" sound from the now doubled-over blonde.

"Teme! That was so uncalled for, dattebayo!"

"Not to me it wasn't."

"When will our reinforcements arrive?" Sai asked, having lost interest in Naruto and Sasuke's disagreement. They always turned out the same anyway; hissy fits were thrown, hair was pulled, masculinity was questioned. At the end of it all, they were still just losers to Sai.

"Pakkun should reach Konoha by early evening, so reinforcements should get here by mid to late afternoon tomorrow. Until then, we will continue to work as we always have."

"Yes. Keeping the loser-daimyo safe from non-existent enemies," Naruto exclaimed with faux exuberance.

"We don't know that for certain yet, Naruto," Kakashi said evenly, his 'sensei' mode clearly active. "Until we confirm with hard evidence that it's all a ruse, we will conduct ourselves as though the threat is genuine. We don't want to make Matsudaira-sama suspicious of us."

"Why not?" Naruto whined.

The sensei eyed the blonde blankly. "I've already explained this, Naruto."

"But I wanna make him sorry for ever thinking he could get away with messing with us! Give him some real attackers to fear and scream at the sight of! Just terrorize him!"

"Calm down, there, Naruto." Kakashi stared at his overly riled up student, making sure he kept his voice low and even. "We're contracted shinobi, not nuke-nin."

"But, could we maybe just mess with him a little?" he asked, pinching his fingers as an indication.

"No."

"Just a little!"

"No."

"A lot then?"

The greyhead stopped and stared back at the younger male, seeing that he was completely serious about his question. "When logic runs from you, you chase after it with all you've got, don't you?"

"Yeah," the blonde nodded, not really following where this was going.

"And even when you've fallen flat on your face, you still think you're gaining on it."

"I never give up. That's my nindo, Kaka-sensei," Naruto replied, not seeing the insult in the older man's words.

"Indeed. You're like the Energizer Bunny gone horribly, horribly wrong." He shook his head again at his student's mind.

"Hey!" the jinchuuriki cried, finally catching the slight. "Kaka-sensei! I am hurt! In here." He tapped his chest, over his heart. "Hurt. Emotionally."

"Yes. I get it."

"Aren't you going to apologize?" Naruto asked, staring up at Kakashi with an injured look.

"No."

"Wah?! Why not?!"

"Because I'm not sorry," the Copy-nin replied succinctly, a lazy eye on his book.

"You're a cold-hearted man, sensei!" Naruto cried, shaking his head at his mentor.

"I've learned to accept myself for who I am. It's not my problem if you can't do the same."

"That's not something to be accepted!"

Kakashi took on a hurt look of his own. "Now who's being cold-hearted?"

"You, still! You're being evil!"

"Well, then this evil man is going to leave it to you to cover ground-zero for the remainder of the day," he replied with a closed-eye smile.

Naruto let out a gasp of betrayal, staring wide-eyed at his teacher. "I have seen the Antichrist and his name is Hatake Kakashi!" he cried pointing a damning finger at the taller man.

"Well, someone needs to balance out your Jesus-complex," Kakashi replied, as he went back to reading his beloved book.