NOTE: New Year's has come early. This is being released earlier than expected and on a more appropriate day.
I'm back, baby! You really didn't think I would skip Christmas, did you? I said New Years because the only Holiday Pet Peeves I've done, were a month apart and I was unsure that I would get this and the next one out in time seeing as Christmas and New Years are so close. I thought about releasing them at the same time but I thought: 'I've got this done; they want to see it, so let them!' But enough chatting from me, I hope you enjoy this festive edition of Doofenshmirtz Holiday Pet Peeves on Christmas Eve!
Perry began to leap all the way around his lair to decorate it for the holidays. He had been rushed off his feet lately with Doofenshmirtz that he hadn't had time to celebrate Christmas. It was now Christmas Eve and with a lull in Doofenshmirtz's schemes, he thought it time to decorate his lair. This and also Major Monogram had instructed him to. Perry wasn't one for celebrating holidays but his boss was. Perry wouldn't admit it, but he was a loner at heart. He liked to work on his own because, if something went wrong on a mission, he knew he would have himself to blame. This made him train and hone his skills more than any other agent in O.W.C.A and it also made him the most reliable. After he had fully decorated his lair, Major Monogram appeared on screen.
"Ah, great job Agent P. See, what did I tell you? A little tinsel and coloured lights do the room some good. Oh sorry, Eggnog?" A mug of eggnog appeared in the arm of Perry's chair. Perry walked over and sniffed it. As the smell hit his nostrils he recoiled and began to gag. "Not one for Eggnog, eh? Oh well, you either love it or you hate it. Now, you have a mission." Perry moved the mug onto desk and sat down. "We've recently detected activity coming from Doofenshmirtz's. You know we haven't seen much of him the last few days, well, now it seems he's making his move. Get over there and see what he's up to. Anything evil, stop it." Perry saluted the major and began to run to his jetpack. "Oh, and Agent P? Asked Major Monogram as Perry was putting on his jetpack. "Try and take the festivities with you." Perry rolled his eyes and took off his old brown fedora and put on a red fedora. "Good, now… off you go." Perry activated his jetpack and flew upwards into a pipe which led him out the top of the tree in the backyard. While flying to Doofenshmirtz's, he took the time to look at everyone's Christmas decorations. Before long, he could see the purple building. Perry landed on the balcony in a fighting pose as Doof ran over to him, dressed in a Santa outfit, minus the beard.
"Ah Perry the Platypus, ho ho ho and all that, come on quick." He said quickly. He tuned to get on to his hover pad when he turned to see Perry, raised eyebrow, crossing his arms and tapping his webbed foot. "Ugh, fine!" he pressed a button on his hover pad and a small gun like device appeared on the side. It fired and before Perry could move, he was trapped in a Christmas present. "Your trapped! Now come on." He picked up the box and put it on his hover pad and took off. After they were safely in the air, he turned around to face Perry. "Sorry, but we had to go now if we were ever gonna get to the North Pole. Why? Because I'm taking over Christmas!" Perry went wide eyed in shock. "As you know 'I really do Hate Christmas!'" he sung. "But it occurs to me that it is still my favourite holiday purely because I hate the rest of them more. So, my evil plan is this; I'm gonna fly to the North Pole and take over Santa's workshop with this, the Surrender-inator" He pointed to the laser like device that took up the majority of the rear of his hover pad. "Then, with Santa's workshop under my control, I will get his army of elves to start producing –inators to send all over the world on Christmas. Then, when families awaken and begin to fumble around with the strange machines they've received, they'll inadvertently spread chaos and evil all on their own, therefore ruining Christmas and hopefully cancelling it so I never have to deal with it again! Oh, don't worry about freezing that trap as central heating." Perry raised an eyebrow again. "Hey, I'm evil, not a monster!"
The trip to the North Pole was an arduous one. The freezing cold temperature constantly began to mess up the hover pad's systems. After five crashes, three wild animal attacks and a cup of hot chocolate provided by a Giant floating Baby Head, they arrived at the front door of Santa's workshop. Doof set the hover pad down and knocked on the front door. He turned to Perry, still trapped in the Christmas present. "Watch this, Perry the Platypus." he said with a smirk as the front door opened. Stood in the door was a large man with a long white beard and dressed in a red coat. "Hello, Mr Claus." Doof said with a menacing smile.
"Ho, hello there. Are you boys my new interns?"
"W… what? …" Before Doof could finish, Santa dragged him inside.
"Come in, come in!" Two elves appeared behind Doof and took his Santa coat and led him inside. "Come on, don't be shy!" he said to Perry the Platypus, who couldn't move in his trap. Santa walked over and simply touched the box and it disintegrated into bright yellow energy. Before Perry could even move, Santa picked him up and carried him inside. He motioned Doof through a door the led to the factory floor. It was a huge room with dozens of conveyor belts carrying millions of toys with elves stationed at various points all around the room. Santa picked Doof up by his collar and carried both Perry and Doof down to the factory floor and sat them on two empty stools next to the conveyor belt. "Now, here's where you two will be working. You do know how to work this machinery, right. Oh, of course you do. Right, you two get straight to work. We need all the help we can get this Christmas." Santa patted the two of them on their backs, hard, and returned to his office.
"What just happened?" asked Doof. Perry shrugged his shoulders. Suddenly a small squeaking voice came from the other side of the conveyor belt.
"Oi, you two newbies! Get on that machinery! You don't get break until all these gifts are done!" Both Perry and Doof didn't know why they began to work, but they did. There were millions upon millions of conveyor belts running all around the room. And that was just this one room. Beyond this room were countless others, each dedicated to different processes. Doof and Perry had been forced on a conveyor belt to make technology, specifically smart phones and tablets. After what seemed like hours, Doof let out a sigh of frustration and threw his head back.
"Ugh, Perry the Platypus, we gotta get outta here. I don't know how many iPhones I can make! I mean, I'm good with building stuff, but this is something else. How could something that small be more complicated to make than my –inators?" Perry ignored him. As much as it was killing him to make all these phones, it was for a good cause and he wouldn't stop until he had helped Santa. But then again, this was more than just helping. It felt like slave labour. Perry turned to Doof and nodded. Doof pondered for a bit before bending down to whisper to Perry. "Right, here's the plan. We pretend to be ill and, if he's the jolly caring man he's led everyone to believe, he'll let us go home for the day on sick leave, or at least give us a tea break. Once he's lost sight of us, we'll get back with my hover pad." Perry gave him a thumbs up. Two hours later, Santa appeared from his office and began to inspect the factory floor.
"Come on, boys! 10,000,000 more gifts and you get the rest of the year off!" Santa yelled, cheerfully. His voice echoed throughout the room. As Santa approached Doof and Perry, Doof let out a small cough. Well, it was meant to be a small cough. It ended up being a loud, nasally, phlegmy and obvious fake cough. But it was enough to grab Santa's attention. "Are you okay there?"
"Oh, I don't know. I… think I might be coming up with something. I've got these… agonising stomach cramps."
"Ho, well, you're better off than that guy. Three fingers in the past day, poor sod." Santa turned to Perry who was also faking illness. "So, what's wrong with him?"
"Huh? Oh, um… Diarrhoea! Explosive Diarrhoea!" Perry stopped acting to turn and give Doof an angered look. "Really bad stuff. You don't mind if I take him to the toilets, do you?"
"Well, the only lavatories I have are suited to magical creatures. Hmm… you can try the port-a-loo out back."
"Why do you have a port-a-loo?"
"Oh, the workmen left it here after they built my extension."
"Cool. Uh, I mean… ugh" Doof said holding his stomach. Santa led the two out of numerous rooms until; finally, they reached the outside. As they walked past the stables, the reindeer stopped eating and began to stare at both Perry and Doof as Santa led them around the back. At the back of the facility was a small port-a-loo that was buried halfway under the snow. As both Perry and Doof tried to warm up, Santa approached them with two shovels.
"W… what's this?"
"Sorry boys, but my powers don't affect snow and I gotta get back inside. Don't take two long will you? Lot's more presents to make." He passed the shovels to the two of them and they began to dig the port-a-loo out of the snow. As Santa re-entered the factory, Doof and Perry kept on digging. After twenty or so minutes, they had cleared the snow away and Doof led Perry inside. As Perry sat on top of the seat, Doof crossing his arms, stood outside. After a minute, a knock came from the inside and Doof opened the door.
"What? What is it? You done?" Perry waved his arms in annoyance. "Oh, wait. I just remembered that was acting. Man, you were really convincing. You ever thought about a career in the theatre?" Perry raised his eyebrow. "Oh, right." Doof stepped inside the port-a-loo with Perry to go over their plan. "My god Perry the Platypus, this guy's a darn slave driver! We gotta get outta here before we start pushing up a partridge in a pear tree. Th… that is the expression, right?" Perry chattered and opened the top of his fedora, revealing a small helicopter like device that emerged from the top of it. "What? You've had a helicopter in your hat this whole time!? Perry chattered again. "Yeah, yeah, help Santa… bla bla bla… and hey, don't gloss it over, it's a helicopter! So, can that thing get us outta here?" Perry chattered once again. "Right, let's do this thing!" The two emerged from the port-a-loo and walked into an open area in front of the reindeer pens. Doof grabbed Perry and held him on top of his head as Perry active the device and the blades began to twirl. He grabbed onto the handle bars and the two took off. They kept flying higher and higher until they were over the top of the factory. Perry looked down at Doof who gave him a small nod to signal that it was time to get outa there. As they made their way past the factory the two flew and crashed into thin air. The two fell, the fall broken by the snow, and landed next to Doof's hover pad. As the two began to gain their composure, Doof looked up and saw a ripple of golden aura that made out the shape of a dome covering Santa's entire facility. He gasped. "Christmas Magic! The one thing you can't destroy! We're doomed!" Disturbed by all the commotion from outside, Santa and a few of his elves, ran outside to find Doof and Perry trying to get up from the deep hole they made in the snow when they landed.
"Wha… what's going on here?!" asked Santa. Doof looked at Perry who gave him an exhausted look.
"Oh, man. I'm gonna have to do the right thing, aren't I?" Perry nodded and Doof got up slowly and walked towards Santa. "Look Santa, we aren't interns. I'm an evil scientist and he's an anthropomorphic, crime fighting platypus who tries to foil my evil schemes and usually succeeds. We came here 'cause I was gonna take over your factory and spread evil for Christmas instead of good but after all that time we spent making presents, I'm kinda bummed out."
"Ho ho ho! Then my job is done!" Santa chuckled loudly.
"W… what?"
"I know all about you Heinz, and you too Perry. I just wanted to show you how it works up here so you would appreciate all me and my elves do here. Both of you don't really care for Christmas cheer so I hoped this experience taught you how good you two actually have it."
"But… you care about me, even though I'm evil?"
"Well, I wouldn't say that… but I know you've had a pretty… well, not so good life, so I try to give you a little something each year."
"Right… like that time you gave me the gift of hating Christmas!"
"Yes, I know the other holiday icons looked down on that, but I did it to make you have the best Christmas you've had in a long time."
"So… all of you were in on it?" Doof asked Santa and the elves.
"Sure were! We saw you coming on our early detection system." He said pointing inside the factory.
"Yeah… that kinda makes sense. So… can we go now?"
"If you two have learned to appreciate Christmas, then yes."
"Sweet!" yelled Doof. He jumped onto his hover pad and helped Perry up too. As he activated it and began to rise, Santa called after them.
"Heinz!"
"Yes!?" Santa snapped his fingers.
"Don't forget to use that thing when you get back to Danville! I think you'll find it helpful!" Perry opened his eyes in shock, for a moment. He immediately thought 'What is he thinking?' but, it being Santa, he would have a plan.
"Thanks!" yelled Doof as he turned the hover pad towards the Tri-State Area. Both Perry and Doof waved goodbye to Santa before heading home. As they entered the Tri-State Area, Doof turned to Perry who was sitting on the edge of the hover pad. "You… uh, you wanna get dropped off home?" Perry smiled and nodded. "Well then… good luck!" yelled Doof as he used his long legs to kick Perry off the hover pad. Perry activated his hand glider and made his way back home. "Aha! I still got it!" yelled Doof with elation. The journey home was straight forward and Doof managed to get home without any complications. As he landed on the balcony he jumped off and started to inspect the hover pad, to make sure it was all still working properly. As he did, he noticed a banging on his front door. "Ugh, who's that?" He walked over and opened the door.
"Dad! What's wrong with you! I've been trying to get in for hours! Mom's going to stay with Grandpa, remember?!"
"Sorry, Vanessa. I've been busy."
"Busy? You mean you've been off gallivanting with Perry the Platypus again."
"Kind of… but I also managed to grab this." He pulled out an iPhone from behind his back.
"Oh my god… i… is that for me?"
"You know it is. I made it myself." Vanessa backed off a bit.
"Really?"
"What?"
"Things you make… tend to blow up."
"True, but this has no self-destruct button."
"Okay then." She took the phone from him and began to inspect it.
"They didn't have any self-destruct buttons to install." He mumbled.
"What was that?"
"Huh? Oh, nothing, nothing. You go and enjoy your new phone." Vanessa ran to her bedroom.
"Oh, Dad, can you bring my things in? Thanks." She yelled closing her bedroom door behind her. Doof walked outside to find five bags waiting in the corridor.
"Really, she needs five bags?" He then got a bright idea. "Oh right. I can use the Surrender-inator to make the bags surrender to me and they'll be less heavy!" He then turned towards us, the fanfiction audience. "Okay, nothing about this whole thing has been realistic so you can give me this one at least." He then ran over to the Surrender-inator. As he began to push numerous buttons, a veil of golden energy began to surround the –inator. As Doof pressed the button to activate his –inator, the lights on it began to light up further and further until they shone a bright white light. Doof noticed the golden aura around his –inator. "No. No, no, no!" he yelled before the –inator blew up in his face, propelling him over the side of the building and also, somehow, blowing Vanessa's bags to her bedroom door. "CURSE YOU SANTA CLAUS!" he yelled. Vanessa opened her door, disturbed by the noise. She looked around and, not noticing or not caring that half of the lab had been blown up, took her bags in her room. "Actually, that felt good. Man, I really do hate Christmas!" said Doof as he continued falling. "THANK YOU SANTA CLAUS!" Perry flew into the backyard and crashed into the snow. As he poked his head out of the snow, so did Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, Baljeet, Buford and Irving.
"Oh, there you are Perry." He turned towards the rest of the gang. "See, I told you it was Perry"
"So what gives? You two said that the structure would withstand anything." Asked Buford to Baljeet and Irving.
"There were… some complications." said Irving.
"Oh yes, 'complications'. I told you that your calculations were incorrect." argued Baljeet.
"My calculations were perfect, yours were wrong!"
"Woah, come on guys. It's Christmas!" said Isabella.
"So, what is this about Candace?" said Linda as she was pulled into the backyard by Candace.
"I told you! There was a whole city under there!" She began to tunnel into the snow. She stopped and walked over to confront the boys. "Where'd it go!?"
"It collapsed."
"Is that it!?" asked Candace, aggressively.
"Collapsed? Are you guys alright?" asked Linda.
"We're fine mom."
"What do you mean 'Collapsed'?"
"We don't know what happened. One minute we were in the middle of a winter wonderland, the next it came tumbling down, like something had crashed into it."
"Oh, you boys have such an imagination. Who wants to come in for some hot cocoa?"
"Me!" the gang shouted simultaneously.
"You coming Candace?" asked Linda.
"Fine." Replied Candace "Come on Perry." She said picking him up and taking him inside for another happy Christmas.
I really don't need to tell you what's coming up next, do I? No? You're good? Cool.
