July 1897: A Ghost Haunts Me
Even though I had lived with my new humans for a few weeks, I still had nightmares about my former life, and sometimes I had pleasant dreams that my humans had found me when I was a kitten, and I had never met Padraic Ratigan. After nearly a month of my new lifestyle, I had the most unusual dream of all.
Bartholomew stood in front of me. He was sober, and there were other mice with him. Although they had died before I was born, I had a feeling these were his sisters that he had often mentioned.
I lowered my head, unable to look him in the eye. He had been like a brother to me! How could I have ever allowed myself to turn evil enough to…?! My throat ached terribly as my vision suddenly blurred.
"Felicia," my former friend began, "this is the life you were meant to live. I'm proud of you for deciding to reform your ways, and nothing makes me happier than seeing you given a second chance. I'm glad the royal guard dogs didn't succeed when they tried to kill you last month."
"But I succeeded in killing you!" I sobbed.
"No, you didn't," he argued, trying to dry my tears, just as he had always done when I was kitten. "I died years ago when I started drinking too much. Ratigan killed me. You just disposed of the alcoholic who had taken over my life, and I'm thankful. I'm free now. Liquor no longer has any power over me."
I couldn't answer.
"It really wasn't bad," he continued. "I was too drunk to feel pain or fear. I didn't even realize what was happening."
"Why are you comforting me? You're the one who's dead!"
"It's just a part of life. I would have died eventually anyway. Everyone does, you know."
"You went before your time," I argued.
"I'm not missing out on anything. I'm still here."
"What happens after death, Bartholomew?"
"You've got many years ahead of you before finding out," he replied gently.
"Are you with your family now?"
"Just as you are with yours," my friend responded. "Mrs. Hudson is a wonderful human. She'll take good care of you, and she really does feel genuine affection, the way a human ought to love a pet. If you let him, Toby will also be a true friend." After a pause, he added, "The worst is over. The years that follow will be the best of your life, and they'll be so incredible that you will forget every bad memory that's ever troubled your mind. You've finally gotten what you deserve, Felicia. This is what I always hoped would happen to you."
I stared in silence, absorbing his words and taking solace from them, just as I always had when he was alive and had offered me comfort after Ratigan's harangues and tortures.
As if reading my mind, Bartholomew continued, "I know it may be difficult, but I want you to try to forgive Ratigan for being cruel to you. What he did was wrong, but he wasn't always brutal. Although he grew up in a loving home, he had a hard life, and you can't live with hostility for years without being affected. He was wrong to turn villainous, but I can understand why he did."
"I forgive him," I answered. "I understand what it's like to turn evil out of hatred." I had to ask, "Are any of Ratigan's other victims with you? The ones I…?"
"Yes. They've forgiven you, and they want you to forgive yourself."
"How could they possibly…?"
Bartholomew smiled warmly. "You'll understand someday, but not just yet. There's a lot of life ahead of you, and I want you to live it to the fullest. That's what second chances are for. Remember, you were just another of Ratigan's victims, so I don't want you blaming yourself for his crimes, including murder. All you did was grow up to be obedient so you wouldn't be tortured. You're not to blame for what happened when the bell rang."
Realizing this was both the first time we had ever spoken, and quite likely the last, I thanked him for all the care he had given me when I was a kitten, telling him how much I appreciated every good deed performed and thoughtful word spoken.
"I know you risked the professor's displeasure every time you were kind to me," I concluded. "It could have cost you your life."
Immediately, I put my paw over my mouth in horror. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean…"
My friend just continued to smile. "Some things are worth dying for. I was honored to have been your friend. You were like a sister to me."
Knowing how much he had loved his sisters, I understood that was a high compliment.
"I couldn't have asked for a better brother." I hugged him.
He returned my embrace. "You see? You've reformed already! Now you're acting like the Felicia I remember!"
"And now you are the Bartholomew I remember, the one who used to sneak me food and read me stories before he became an alcoholic."
Our conversation turned to lighter subjects, and we were laughing and joking together, just like I'd always wanted to do when Bartholomew was alive, but of course, I had never been able to talk to mice.
All too soon, he was saying, "I have to go now, but I won't really leave you." He lightly tapped the tip of my nose like he used to do when I was a kitten. "Every time a raindrop or a snowflake lands here, you'll know I'm with you."
That was the moment I woke up. The dream had felt so real that I had to talk to someone.
"Toby?"
He opened an eye and sighed wearily. "Yes?"
"Are you my brother now?" I queried.
He sighed. "If I say yes, will you let us both get back to sleep?"
"You do care!" I embraced him.
"Cat, if you don't stop hugging me…! Come on, Felicia! Let go! I have a reputation to protect!"
I released him, and he muttered something about "that stupid cat."
"Toby?"
He rolled his eyes. "What now, Madame Melodrama?!"
"Do you think Ratigan's victims are in a better place now?"
The dog sighed. "It's two hours past midnight, and you're asking about…?!" He took a deep breath. "Can you think of a worse place than Ratigan's lair?"
"Not really," I responded.
"Is anyone there anymore?"
"No."
"If no one's there, that means they're somewhere else, and if there's no worse place, that means wherever they are is better. Happy now?"
I yawned. "Satisfied."
"Good! Now think of happy memories and go back to sleep!"
Hearing Big Ben toll in the distance, I sighed contentedly. Although Ratigan had been brutal and pugnacious, I had so many fond memories of our last meeting. Much to my surprise, he had been tender. (I'd expected him to be bitter.) I smiled when I remembered how after he fell from Big Ben, he had died in my arms.
In my arms? At my hands? Semantics! I'm sure there's only a slight difference between the two expressions!
He didn't die from falling off the clock at the stroke of 10:00, but he still wasn't around to see 10:05.
Realizing my mouth had started to water, I readjusted my weight on my favorite cushion and drifted back to sleep.
