IMPERFECT CHAPTER 3
Her gym bag drops with a thud, and Donna can't hit the shower fast enough.
It's actually her second shower of the day. She and Thomas shared one this morning. An intimate and steamy affair bubbling with the promise of a future she so desperately wants. It's been a long time since Donna's felt this cared for by a man, and Thomas certainly makes her feel that. Desired and beautiful. Safe and secure. And this morning was the first time she could see herself finally wash away the past and embrace a new and different future.
But that was this morning. Stepping in now, she's determined to scrub away all the burning emotions that a stupid twenty minutes with Harvey has conjured up. She feels angry and guilty and dirty. Angry for letting her guard down when she knew better. Guilty because Thomas is a good guy, no, a great guy, who deserves her full commitment. And dirty because she swears to God, in that elevator… she was one heartbeat away from slapping him and another away from kissing him until they were both breathless.
So the hot water raining down on her now can't come fast enough or hard enough or loud enough. Closing her eyes, Donna releases a weary exhale, willing the droplets to crash across her face and splash down her front.
Thirteen. That's how old she was when she first discovered the benefits of shower therapy. Her parents' marriage was on the rocks, and when their fighting became too much to bear, upstairs she would go. The shower was a shelter of sorts, shielding her from the pain of seeing her family fall apart. With one pull of the curtain, she would insulate herself from the bombs being dropped around her. Hot rain drumming down, its soothing and predictable sound, all but drowned out the crying and the yelling and the weaponized words.
Sadly, what Donna discovered then, and what's still true now, is that the moment you step out of a hot shower, the cold hits you. This was the case with Thomas this morning, and it's also true of her thoughts about Harvey. No matter how hard she tries, the cold, hard truth is that there are some feelings she can't lather into being and there are others that just won't wash away.
Padding around her apartment now, in towel-wrapped hair and a plush bathrobe, Donna treats herself to cup of herbal tea before heading for her bed. It's not even dinner time and she's ready to surrender to the night. Checking her phone, she sees that Thomas has called. Probably to ask about her yoga class, and to discuss this evening's plans.
"Hello, beautiful. How was your class?" he asks, as predicted, when she rings him back.
"Actually, I didn't end up going," Donna admits. A lie was on the tip of her tongue, but she decided against it, not wanting to add to her burden of guilt.
"I was feeling exhausted, actually, so I decided to come home." Not completely forthright, but not really a lie, she justifies.
"Can I do anything? Bring you some homemade soup from the deli next door?" he offers.
"Thomas, that's really sweet. Can I take a rain check on tonight? I just need an early night." she explains. "Work has finally caught up with me, plus, you've kept me up way past my bedtime quite a few nights this week."
Donna's tone is intentionally playful as she doesn't want Thomas to think she's having doubts. But she really needs to be alone tonight.
"Of course we can, and I'll happily take the blame for your being tired," he chuckles. "I'll call before bed, ok?"
"I'd like that," Donna agrees. She hangs up the phone and immediately texts Rachel.
911! I really need to talk to you!
Fifteen minutes later her phone buzzes.
"He told me he's in love with me and wants more." Donna doesn't even bother with a hello.
"What? Thomas?" Rachel says.
"Harvey…" Donna clarifies.
"Holy shit, Donna, what happened?" her dark-haired friend asks. Donna can hear the lilt of surprise in her voice. "I thought you were seeing Thomas."
"I am…" Donna replies, as she proceeds to explain the insanity that took place at Harvey's a few short hours ago.
"Then, he said he finally got the courage to tell me, and that he's felt this way for a long time," Donna sighs, the entire conversation is still so surreal to her.
"Wow… Harvey's finally opening up. This is great, Donna," Rachel says enthusiastically.
Silence on the line.
"It's a good thing, right?" her friend asks, concerned. "Donna… it is, isn't it?"
"I don't know Rachel. Why should I believe Harvey? How do I know it's not just because I'm with someone?" Donna asks. "And Thomas… he's solid. I trust him."
"Ok… but do you love him? Are you in love with him?" Rachel asks, getting to the heart of the matter.
"I definitely care for him... deeply," she says, trying to convince herself and Rachel of what they both know isn't there. "Maybe with time? Not everyone experiences love at first sight."
"Donna, be honest with me.." Rachel insists. "Right now, where's your heart?"
Donna pauses for a minute, and then huffs, "I think you know…"
"So what are you waiting for?" she asks.
"After everything he's put me though? With the kiss and the rejection and all… part of me is still really angry at him and at myself," Donna admits, realizing how good it feels to finally express out loud, the emotions she's kept buried for so long.
"I understand," Rachel empathizes. "But don't stay with Thomas because you're mad at Harvey. You know that's not going to work, no matter how much you care for Thomas. I guarantee it won't end well."
"You're right, Rachel." Donna replies, as she massages her forehead with her fingers. "Maybe I haven't given my relationship with Thomas a real chance? Maybe if I give it more time?"
"It's been a couple of months, Donna…. I think you know." Rachel advises, recognizing how badly her friend needs the voice of reason right now.
"I do… Thanks, Rachel, I needed this," Donna says gratefully. "I wish you were here."
"I'm always just a call away," she assures. "Call me anytime."
"You may regret saying that," Donna chuckles.
"I know Harvey has said and done some stupid things, Donna. But his love for you has always been pure. I've never doubted that," Rachel says before signing off. "The only difference now, is that he's finally brave enough to admit it."
After ending her call, Donna slides under her duvet and drops her toweled head back onto the pillow. Instantly her thoughts turn to Harvey. What the hell is happening between them? It's taken her years to get to this point. To finally come to terms with what could never be. And here's Thomas… kind, attentive and attractive. She's tried to give this relationship a real shot. Even so much as to visualize what life would be like with Thomas in five, ten, even twenty years.
But whenever she closes her eyes to imagine that future, his isn't the face that keeps forcing its way through.
Xxx
Another night alone, another one hundred crunches. Lipschitz promised that by admitting his feelings, he would feel lighter. That the truth would set him free.
Bullshit.
The last time Harvey felt this vulnerable was when Mike was heading to prison. It felt terrible then and it feels terrible now. All this truthfulness has also worn him out. Harvey could barely manage sixty crunches, let alone one hundred.
With a splash of cold water on his face, Harvey catches his reflection in the mirror. Since his birthday last week, he's been feeling old. His eyes look tired, and all he sees is disappointment. Today, Donna was quick to agree that he's not easy to love. That hurt. A lot. She knows him better than anyone. If she really thinks that about him, what hope does he have?
She's going to be angry. Are you willing to handle what comes back? Louis challenged last night.
Drumming his fingers along the bathroom counter, he knows the answer is yes. Even when it hurts?
Still yes.
Harvey drops into bed, his body feeling heavy like a dead weight. He picks up his prescribed night-time reading in the hopes of filling his thoughts with something other than Donna. But the sentences blur together as he tries to focus on the words. His mind is not on the page, but in the elevator.
Harvey has never seen Donna look at him the way she did today. Her bright eyes expressing everything she couldn't say. There was shock, confusion, anger, even hurt. But he didn't see indifference. And that, he thinks, is a good thing.
With his head to the pillow, Harvey can't help but wonder what she's doing tonight. Thomas probably has something special planned. Dinner and wine. Maybe Saturday night at the theatre. All ending back at his place or hers. Harvey won't allow himself to imagine that. Then, on a lazy Sunday morning, he'll bring her coffee. Their coffee. For some reason, the thought of Thomas adding vanilla to her cup really upsets him.
To quiet his mind, Harvey turns off the light, but his thoughts go back to the elevator.
"I love you," he says. "I want more."
He barely gets the words out and she's pulling him to her. His hands instantly fall away from the wall and envelop her waist.
She gently holds his face, her fingers slowly moving to tickle the nape of his neck, and he's suddenly dizzy.
"I love you, Harvey," she whispers, and he just wants to fall into her.
She doesn't wait for him to catch his breath. Her warm mouth instantly caresses his. Lips tender and soft. The sensation of this kiss tingles all the way down through his groin.
Harvey suddenly sits up and reaches for the light. His heart is thundering against his ribcage. Taking the book off the bedside table, he opens it and begins to read once again.
He can't sleep.
xxx
"Ok everyone, quick morning meeting about that expansion plan," Louis says, as he energetically directs the team into the conference room.
The managing partner has called Donna and his fellow name partners together first thing on Monday, in the hopes of getting a jump on a growth opportunity for the firm.
After a rocky start, and much to the surprise of senior staff, Zane Specter Litt Wheeler Williams has been doing quite well under Louis's leadership. A growing roster of high-end clients has not only created a need for more staff, but for the space to go with it.
"We have two leasing options," Donna begins. "We can take half of the 47th floor right now, or try to negotiate a better price per square foot for two-thirds of the 46th. The second option is only available at year's end. We'll have to adjust until then, but I think it's better over the long term."
Robert nods in agreement. "Two-thirds sounds reasonable to me, Red. Let's do it."
"It only makes sense if we can get them down on price," Alex confirms. "We need at least a ten per cent cut to make it worth it."
"Push for fifteen, Donna," Samantha suggests. "And settle for ten. You may get twelve."
"Thanks, Samantha, I've dealt with David Fox before. We'll need to get a little creative with our negotiating, but I'm sure we can get him down," she adds with a confident smile. "I just need agreement from all the partners on which floor to go after."
Louis turns to Harvey, who has been oddly silent, and fiddling with his pen during the entire meeting. This is the first time Harvey has laid eyes on Donna after pouring his heart out two days ago. It's been radio silence from her since, and he doesn't know what to think.
"Harvey, what do you think?" Louis asks, shaking Harvey's thoughts back into the meeting.
"Donna knows I'm all in… hundred per cent," he says pointedly, his dark eyes zeroing on hers. "To be honest, I'm keen to move forward… the sooner the better, but if we have to wait, then I'm prepared to wait."
Surprised at Harvey's deliberate response, Louis raises his eyebrows while Donna's eyes go wide.
"Great! It's settled then," the managing partner says enthusiastically. "We're all in agreement. Donna, let's go for the two-thirds option. Thanks everyone, back to work!"
Sensing tension between Harvey and Donna, Louis rushes everyone out before the rest of the team catches on.
As the conference room clears, Donna remains seated, her head down as she finishes her meeting notes.
Harvey is intentionally slow, and is about to step out when Donna finally turns to him. "Harvey, What was that?"
"You know…" he says, his voice low as he looks back at her from the doorway. Harvey's been out of sorts since their heated exchange, his emotions bouncing from confidence to uncertainty and back again.
"I'm in a relationship, Harvey…" she states. "What do you want me to say?"
"You are…," Harvey agrees. His stomach in knots at hearing her say it out loud. "I'm just telling you how I feel… the rest is up to you."
Then, quickly leaning in, his mouth close enough that she can feel his breath in her ear, he whispers, "And how I feel is… I love you ..."
"Harvey…" Donna starts, her expression indicating that he's caught her off guard.
Ignoring her, Harvey turns on his heel and walks out.
Donna has to catch her breath, because while she might lie to herself, the butterflies in her stomach won't. Now the words on her paper go blurry as her eyes mist over. There was a time when she would have given anything to hear Harvey say those three words. But now, she's torn. Does she risk her heart like her 20-year-old self would? Or does the adult in her, the one who's had her fair share of love and loss, stay with a sure and steady thing?
XXX
On Tuesday morning, Donna arrives at her desk to find a coffee with a note attached that says, "And I always will."
She can't help but stare at the familiar handwriting on the light yellow post-it. Harvey warned her that he would find a way to make her believe, but she didn't imagine this. In fact, she thought his words were bravado, like the way he talks when he's fighting a big case. She takes a sip of the coffee, then carefully folds the note, and tucks it inside her wallet.
On Wednesday afternoon, Donna opens her desk drawer and notices a metal can opener that she knows wasn't there before. Their pre-trial ritual days are long over, but seeing it sitting there brings her back to when she and Harvey worked so closely together. A wistful smile forms on her lips as she reads the attached note, "We've always been a great team."
Donna picks up the can opener, feeling its weight against her palm. She recalls the day they decided on this ritual. They were at the coffee shop, it was days after they shared a night of mind-blowing sex, and Harvey had asked her to come work with him. Little did she know back then, where her career with Harvey would take her. With a sigh, she puts the metal opener back in her desk. She then carefully folds this note, and also places it in her wallet.
Late Thursday, Harvey orders dinner from that shitty Thai place, and has it delivered to her at the office. He was heading to an offsite meeting, and he knew Donna was staying late to finalize the paperwork for the expansion plans.
At first, when she saw the paper bag on her desk, Donna thought it was courtesy of Thomas. But then, after seeing what was ordered – veggie Pad Thai, light on the sauce, medium spice, no peanuts, extra tofu and three wedges of lime – she knew there's only one person who could have done that.
On top of the take-out carton, another post-it…
"Two spring rolls because you always steal mine. I miss our dinners."
Donna shakes her head and, as she folds that note and tucks it away, she can't help but smile. She has to admit, that was thoughtful of Harvey.
Thank you. You got my order right. She texts.
Seconds later…
You're welcome… and you think I don't pay attention.
Friday afternoon, Donna receives a meeting request with the location being "Rooftop 5 pm". She doesn't accept, opting to walk to his office to discuss it, and the post-it notes.
Harvey isn't there, so with a sigh, Donna returns to her desk and hits accept.
xxx
"So… what's so important that you needed to book a meeting up here?" she asks, her arms crossed protectively in front, her red hair lightly blowing in the breeze.
"You've hardly said two words to me all week, Donna," he says, ready to engage. "Have you noticed that I've been trying? I just need to know what you're thinking."
"Thinking?" she responds, with a sigh. "Harvey, I'm in a relationship. What am I supposed to think?"
Harvey shakes his head in frustration. Then with a tilt of his head, his eyes narrow in on hers.
"Thomas… Are you in love him?" He asks, his voice cracking. "Because I'm walking a fine line here if you are."
In response, Donna cocks her head back and tightens the hold around her arms. "That's personal."
"It's been a couple of months, right? You either do or you don't," he challenges.
"Harvey…"
"I told you how I feel, Donna. This is driving me crazy! Just tell me," he pleads. "You either want the same thing or you don't."
"It's not that easy," she defends. "I care for Thomas."
"Yes, it is that easy," he volleys back, ignoring her admission about the man who stole her away.
After hearing this, Donna offers a sarcastic chuckle.
"For years you said this between us was complicated." Her finger waving through the space between them.
"So now that you think you know what you want, I'm just supposed to just fall in line?" she challenges.
Harvey steps back, as if to avoid the words she's firing at him. When he turns to look away, Donna notices his jaw muscles tensing with frustration.
"Do you know what it's like to have feelings for you?" he asks, his eyes right back on hers and his fists clenched. "To want you and to be terrified of this at the same time?"
"Do you know what it feels like to hear someone tell you that they love you, only for them to take it back?" she says, her voice equally determined. Her words hanging heavy in the dead air between them.
"Why should I take that risk with you when I'm sure how Thomas feels?" she asks.
"Because you don't love him, that's why!" His voice exasperated, and his arms flailing to make his point.
Harvey takes another step back, now he's looking her over with sad eyes. "Fine, maybe it's not me you want, or maybe you'll never believe me… but are you going to be happy with a man you're not in love with?"
"You don't know anything about how I feel!" she says in her defense.
"No? I sure as hell know you're angry with me." His tone defiant. "What have I done that's so unforgivable?"
"You hurt me!" she yells, her bottled up emotions now exploding over them both. "I've tried for years to get close, and you've always pushed me away, making it very clear you've never wanted more. And now, I finally meet a nice guy, a really nice guy, and you just want me to drop everything because you've changed your mind?!"
Donna feels her resentment taking a solid hold of her, and her arms start shaking. She presses them even more closely to her body.
"You hurt me, too!" he snaps back, his chest pounding. "Jesus, Donna, do you know how long I've struggled to tell you how I feel? How afraid I've been?! I finally get the courage to say it.. to say I love you… and you tell me I'm not easy to love. How the hell do you think that makes me feel?"
This time it's Harvey's eyes that well up first, and Donna suddenly blinks, the raw honesty of his words jolting her.
She looks across the skyline and then turns to him, her voice apologetic.
"Harvey…I didn't mean…"
He cuts her off, his palms open to her now. "I've been trying to open up… even though you're in a relationship, to admit how I feel. I took a risk you said I'd never take..." There's resignation in his voice now. "Do you want me to stop? Just tell me…"
Donna looks away. She shakes her head and covers her mouth.
Harvey holds his breath, waiting for her to say something, anything. But nothing comes.
"Tell me…" he pushes., his pleading eyes never leaving hers.
Silence.
"I thought so…," he says with a tired voice as he drops his arms to the side. "I guess you have some decisions to make then."
"I guess I do," she concedes, her voice quivering and barely audible over the rush-hour traffic below. "And because I need time to think… it's best for the both of us if you stop."
Taking a final step back, she quickly turns and heads into the building.
This time, she's not going to let Harvey have the final say, only for him to walk away from her.
She's going first.
