The next morning I woke up in a foul mood. I wanted to talk to Squirrelflight, but she was not back from RiverClan yet. I decided to visit Brackenfur. Yesterday I hadn't gotten the chance.

I slipped out of the den and was met by a slow, steady fall of snow. My black coat was dappled by the time I made it across the camp. Giving myself a shake, I entered the medicine cat den.

Dustpelt was complaining to Leafpool, "Two more days is too long! I don't see how you and Jaypaw can do it every single day."

Brackenfur snorted, and muttered bitterly, "Two days is nothing."

Honeyleaf nudged Brackenfur's shoulder sympathetically. Leafpool smiled gently and set a bundle of herbs in front of him. He grimaced as he started to swallow them. I padded over to his side and purred, "Hello."

He smiled at me. He was close enough se see me, and noticed something was bothering me. "Hollypaw, is something the matter?" he asked me, sounding worried. "You look upset."

I shuffled my paws, and glanced at the other three cats in the room. Dustpelt struggled to his feet, and Leafpool had to dart across the den and press against him so he didn't fall. He demanded, "I want some fresh air. Come on, Honeyleaf!"

I flicked my ears gratefully at the three of them as they exited the den. When we were alone, I confided in my former mentor. "I had a fight with Brambleclaw yesterday."

Brackenfur twitched his ears and prompted, "Oh?" I felt my guard slipping away from me. After sleeping restlessly all night, I was ready to tell someone about it. Brackenfur was my friend, I could tell him everything. Well, almost everything.

"I've always admired Ashfur, and these past few suns, I think he's been trying to get a little closer to me." I glanced up from my paws to make sure he was paying attention, which he was. "Yesterday we were sharing tongues and Brambleclaw made him leave. He started growling at me about age differences and other nonsense. I don't know why I got so angry, but I did."

Brackenfur's eyes shone with understanding and sympathy. He smoothed the fur on my shoulder gently with the tip of his tail. "I know that feeling can be confusing. When I first realized I might have been starting to get affectionate towards Sorreltail, I didn't know what to do."

I nodded for him to go on. He asked me calmly, "Do you think you have feelings for him, Hollypaw?"

I searched my heart and tried to see gray fur mingling in it. I saw gray- but not just gray. I was seeing gray-and-white. I was seeing the gentle eyes of Mouseclaw.

I had to keep my options open, though. I chose my words carefully, "Not yet, but who's to say I never will?"

My former mentor looked disappointed for a second, then uncomfortable. He struggled to sit up, leaning on his good leg. He met my eyes, and after a thoughtful silence decided to respond. "Hollypaw, don't do this to Ashfur. He's a good friend of mine, and I have already had to watch him lose the she-cat he loved once."

My eyes grew a little wider when I heard that. I never knew he had lost love before! I opened my mouth to ask who it was, but he flicked his ears for me to keep quiet and continued talking. "If you think there is a strong possibility he can be the one, then pursue him. If there is another-" his eyes narrowed knowingly, "then stop the relationship today. That is my advice for you."

I wanted to hiss in exasperation. That barely helped! Standing, I touched noses with him in resignation. I know in my heart that I can never truly love Ashfur. Not the way he would need me to. I knew what I had to do.

"Thanks, Brackenfur." He nodded and I left the den. Graystripe padded across the camp and intercepted me. He asked cheerfully, "Are you up for a hunt, Hollypaw?"

Ashfur was just emerging from the warrior's den, blinking as the bright sunlight struck his eyes. My attention drifted onto him and I asked hopefully, "Is that optional?"

Graystripe followed my gaze, and his big blue eyes seemed to shimmer with knowledge. That made my pelt prickly. Did every cat know about my sudden involvement with the gray tom already? It hadn't even been two days!

Graystripe offered protectively, "Would you like me to come with you, Hollypaw?"

I was honestly touched that he cared enough about me to offer support when I might need some. He was my grandfather's best friend, and ever since he and Millie returned to the clans, he has been rather friendly towards my brothers and me.

I rejected his offer, though. "No. I need to talk with him alone."

My mentor licked my ear once, then stalked over to Firestar and Sandstorm under the Highledge. I called out, "Ashfur!"

Brambleclaw had slipped out of the den right behind the senior warrior. My father's eyes narrowed angrily. I felt that pulse of rage run through me again; I was not his little Hollykit anymore. I was almost a warrior, and I needed to make my own decisions!

Lifting my tail I padded over to him and asked, "Will you take a walk with me?" My tone was very guarded. I didn't want to give him the wrong impression. I was taking Brackenfur's advice and ending this before it got too far. Before it had the chance to even start.

Ashfur's eyes seemed to glow and he brushed his pelt against mine as he pushed out of the thorn barrier. We walked in silence for a while. We were almost to the abandoned Twoleg nest when Ashfur finally asked, "Is something on your mind, Hollypaw?"

I flinched when I heard the degree of kindness in his voice. This was going to hurt him. I don't know why, but I had a feeling it was going to hurt me, too. I led him into the two-leg nest, knowing no cat would bother us in the rickety old thing.

I sat down, and Ashfur sat to face me. His eyes were bright and his ears perked. I decided to try and let him down easy. "Ashfur, we're… friends, aren't we?"

"Yes, I think so." He purred happily.

I swallowed hard and flexed my paws. "I know that you want to be more than that, but I'm not ready to be. I don't…" I lost my voice, not quite sure what I had wanted to say. 'I don't love you?' 'I don't think it would work out?' 'I don't want this?'

There was a long silence, and after a while I forced myself to look into his cloudy blue eyes. I immediately regretted doing so. There was such an intense pain in his eyes that I winced, and I actually felt the edges of my heart cracking.

He whispered under his breath, so quietly I barely heard him though I was not an entire rabbit-hop away, "Squirrelflight…" My eyes narrowed suspiciously. Why was he thinking about her?

'Did you know you have your mother's eyes?'

Realization hit me like a violent kick to the gut. Brambleclaw's distaste for him. How bitterly he avoided my mother even when she tried to be friendly. His strange fascination with me.

That cat he had loved, the one that had rejected him seasons ago and he never truly got over, was Squirrelflight. I was just a tool to fill his void!

The older warrior stood, and his fur started to bristle. His eyes flashed, and I instinctively shrank away from the large tom.

When he spoke, his voice was shrill and desperate. "I'll wait for you, Hollypaw! If you're not ready that's fine- I will wait for you as long as you need me to. Please, Hollypaw? I lo-"

I hissed, interrupting his declaration. I didn't want to hear it. I couldn't hear it. He didn't love me. How could he?

I said firmly, "No, Ashfur. It's not meant to be."

His innocent eyes flashed with anger before growing as cold as the leaf-bare wind. His soft face hardened like rock. He curled his lip back and snarled at me. Those crackling blue eyes locked onto my green ones and I shivered.

"It is meant to be." He demanded hostilely. "StarClan took Squirrelflight away from me so you could be born, because it's you I am supposed to love."

For a moment I hesitated. Could he be right? I didn't know the first thing about love, and he had experience. Maybe I should listen to him. Maybe I should ask some of the other warriors…

Ashfur shoved his nose in my face and growled, "You will be mine, Hollypaw."

My fur fluffed out in fear and I whispered pathetically, "No."

His blue eyes twinkled like the twilight sky. He straightened up suddenly and waved his tail from side to side, laughing. "Oh, but you will. If you ever want to see Lionpaw made a warrior, you won't leave me."

Shock crashed down upon me like a cold wave. I hissed, "What do you mean?" My body felt both tight and cold. I was almost positive that I already knew.

Ashfur smiled arrogantly. "I'm his mentor. Until I think he's ready, he will remain an apprentice. Tell me, Hollypaw, is your brother ready to be a warrior?" His voice was dripping with threat, and I suddenly wished Graystripe had come along.

I knew that if I said yes, I was agreeing to so much more then just the question of if Lionpaw was ready to be a warrior.

But what if I said no? Could Ashfur really make sure Lionpaw remained Lionpaw for a few more moons? He was influential and his opinion was valued. I think he actually could.

There was no way I could do that to my brother. He gave up Heatherpaw so that he could be a good apprentice. He's been dedicated since day one, and it was the single thing he wanted most. How can I be selfish enough to take his dream away when it was so close?

I stood on shaky legs and padded forward, pressing my cheek against Ashfur's shoulder. My throat burned when I whispered, "He's ready."

A purr of blissful delight erupted from him, and he licked my ear. His voice was tender, all traces of that scary rage gone. "I love you, Hollypaw."

Icy terror gripped at my heart, but I did not speak. I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from telling him that I hated him.

StarClan, what have I just gotten myself into?

I died a little on the inside, but I forced myself to return his purr.