Ch. 3

Chianti and Tight Ass Pants

Elphaba and Galinda suddenly disappear and then reappear in Dr. Dillamond's class room with other students that are unimportant to the plot.

Dr. Dillamond enters.

Dillamond: Quiet down you idiots, except you Miss Elphaba, you're not an idiot. Now I've read your essays and let me tell you, they're bad. Really bad. So bad I ate them. And you know what happened? I threw them up. That's how bad they were, except yours Miss Elphaba, yours was really good, I had it with some nice Chianti with a side of parsley and a glass of Merlot. Perfect, A+. Elphaba blushes, everyone else give her a dirty look. As for the rest of you, you get a big fat F. Especially yours, Miss Glinda, yours made me throw up the most…I think it was the fact that it was written in Pink Ink…I almost had to call Animal Control…

Galinda: Um, sorry about that, but it's GAlinda

Dillamond: Yeah whatever…

Galinda: Talking to her Posse I don't get it, first I didn't get what I wanted, then the author forgets my name, and then the talking Goat CAN'T pronounce my name! What is this world coming to?

Elphaba: Maybe the author and the talking Goat-I mean Dr. Dillamond don't give a shit about you or your stupid name. Maybe some of us are different and have better and more important things to do than making sure that the Barbie on Crack's name is remembered and pronounced correctly.

Galinda: Oh it seems the Jolly Green Giant has lost it's jolliness…shame it can't lose the Green part….

Elphaba: Do you want to take this outside?

Galinda: Bring it!

Elphaba: I'd love to!

Posse which are all of the students and Nessa of course: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Nessa: Hit her with a chair Elphaba! Hell you can use mine if you want! I promise I wont tell Daddy!

Elphaba: Thanks Nessie attempts to pick up chair

Dillamond: Doing a Principal Belding imitation Hey, hey, hey! What is going on here?

Elphaba: Well as you can see here, I was about to pick up this chair and-

Dillamond: Yes I can see that. I do not allow fighting in this classroom, although I think you could've taken her…any way let me tell you about how everything from the past is blamed on Animals and how they are used as Scapegoats, ha ha get it?

Galinda: I thought this class was about history. Why do you keep talking about the past?

Elphaba: Can I hit her? Pretty please?

Dillamond: No, I can't allow that

Elphaba: Then can YOU hit her? Pretty please? I promise I won't tell.

Dillamond: Unfortunately I can't do that either.

Elphaba: Damn it. Stupid child services!

Dillamond: Anyway, since you idiots, except you Miss Elphaba, don't want to talk about history, I'm gonna go back and teach you basic English skills. Like how i's are dotted with just a simple little dot, NOT a heart, Miss Glinda.

Galinda: Um, it's GAlinda.

Dillamond: Whatever. Walks over to chalk board and turns it over. Instead of being blank it reads, ANIMALS SHOULD BE EATEN WITH CHIANTI OR WITH A1 SAUCE AND NOT HEARD OMG which one of you idiots wrote thisNo one answers Fine then, get out. Everyone exits except Elphaba

Elphaba: Reading board "ANIMALS SHOULD BE EATEN WITH CHIANTI OR WITH A1 SAUCE AND NOT HEARD"….

Dillamond: Miss Elphaba, don't worry about me, go and hang out with your friends

Elphaba: I don't have any, isn't that obvious?

Dillamond: Yeah, but I didn't want to be rude.

Elphaba: That's all right, would you like to eat my English essay? I got an A+ on it.

Dillamond: Oh I'd love toTakes a bite Mmm this would go great with some Chianti and- Looks at board again Suddenly I've lost my appetite. Anyway, I have to tell you that something bad is happening….in Oz.

Elphaba: Something bad? …. Happening in Oz?

Dillamond: Yes that's what I just said, something bad…happening in Oz.

Elphaba: How bad?

Dillamond: Really bad.

Elphaba: Mmm What kind of bad are we talkin' about here?

Dillamond: Do you remember how Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End ended?

Elphaba: Oh my God, it's that bad?

Dillamond: No, it's worse.

Elphaba: Gasp If things are THAT bad someone has to tell the Wizard Elphaba's thoughts: hint, hint ME

Dillamond: Yeah Dillamond's thoughts: Hint, hint YOU Celery Stalk

The next scene is in what I think is the Shiz Courtyard. Tight-Pants-Fiyero and his slave, Avaric enter Piggy-back ride style, Avaric being the piggy.

Avaric-the-slave: Oy! Tight-pants Fiyero we've arrived at Shiz University now kindly remove yourself OFF my back before you break it.

Tight-Pants-Fiyero:[Still on his back Are suggesting that I'm fat? 'Cuz I'm totally not. It's all muscle underneath these tight clothes.

Avaric-the-slave: Stuggling to breathe That's nice, but-

Tight-Pants-Fiyero: All right, I'll be honest with you. I do have a little fat on me, but it's only 6 percent, the other 94 percent is ALL muscle. You can call me Mr.6 percent Body Fat if you want.

Avaric-the-slave: Still struggling That's nice but I can't do this anymore!

Tight-Pants-Fiyero:Completely Clueless Do what?

Avaric: This drops him roughly on the ground

Fiyero: Ouch! You almost made me tear my Tight-Ass Pants!

Avaric: That's nice, I don't care. I'm leaving now, have fun failing out of another school!

Exits

Fiyero: Aww Avaric, thanks! I'll see you soon, 3 weeks tops!

Boq and Galinda enter

Boq: Miss Galinda, if you don't listen to me I'll have to start stalking you! And I really don't want to know what it's like to have a restraining order on the receiving end!

Galinda: Clearly NOT paying attention What was that Biq?

Boq: It's Boq!

Galinda: Whatever…Catches sight of a Random hot guy OMG it's some random hot guy!

Fiyero gets confused and notices that there is indeed another hot guy there. Fiyero walks over to him

Fiyero: Hey, man this is my gig.

Random Hot Guy: Oh dude are you serious?

Fiyero: Can't you tell? I mean look at these tight pants…

Random Hot Guy: I did but I wasn't sure, oh dude I'm sorry I thought it was my turn to make a love triangle and be the cause of a chick fight!

Fiyero: It's okay, just remember for next time…

Random hot guy: I just feel so embarrassed…so ashamed

Fiyero: It's okay, just remember that there can only be ONE hot guy.

Random hot guy: I will. He exits

Fiyero: And start over!

Galinda: OMG! It's that tight-assed-pant wearing Winkie Prince with a scandalacious reputaion!

Fiyero: That's better. Walks towards them in slow motion with his hair slowly swishing side to side hello you sexy thing you.

Galinda: Fliping her hair and giggling Hi! Flipping her hair even harder and faster

Boq: Oh my! Miss Galinda are you having epileptic seizure?

Fiyero: Relax Shorty, she's just flirting. Copies Galinda

Boq: Mayber I should try that…Copies Galinda

Galinda: Oh Biq stops flipping Are you having a seizure?

Boq: It's Boq! And no.

Galinda: Oh, ok. To Fiyero So..are you looking for something or SOMEONE?

Fiyero: Yeah I was looking for history class but I purposely made my slave take me here piggy back style so I would miss it…Any way the real reason I'm here is to sing a song that's filled with more foreshadowing and irony and teaches you not to care about anything, to just Tango your way through life.

Galinda and Boq: Tango?

Fiyero: DANCE, just dance through it, any kind of dance, just dance damn it!

Galinda and Boq scared Ok.

Fiyero: You see the problem with schools is that they want you to become less like me and more like…like you Shorty, and we just can't have that here. You see Life is PAINLESS for BRAINLESS hint hint cough cough, more foreshaowing So lets have a big celebration celebrating my hotness and my tight-ass pants, what's the most swankified place here?

Galinda: The Ozdust Ballroom Squeals

Fiyero: Perfect! I'll make my slave make the party preparations!

Boq: Uh Miss Galinda? Um I hope you save a dance for me… I'll be waiting in that little corner over there, ALL night, for YOU

Galinda: um, that's nice, but how about you ask the Beautiful Cripple in exchange that I don't have my lawyers send you a restraining order?

Boq: Very excited Okay, I'd be happy to Exits off with Nessa

Fiyero: Wow, you're smarter than I thought.

Galinda: coyly I don't know what you mean but I conveniently don't have a date tonight…

Fiyero: So I'll pick you up at 8?

Galinda: Ye-AH! After all you're perfect

Fiyero: You're perfect

Galinda and Fiyero: So we're perfect together!

Fiyero: You're a natural blonde right?

Galinda: Um, yeah…sure….

Fades to Elphaba and Nessa.

Elphaba: So what if some Hot Tight-assed pants wearing Winkie Prince is here? Can't we all just control our raging hormones?

Nessa: Um have you seen the Hot Tight-assed pants wearing Winkie Prince?

Elphaba: No.

Nessa: Then you just don't understand. Plus what do you expect?. There's only one hot guy allowed here.

Elphaba: What about Boq?

Nessa: He's okay… By the way, I will be joining in on the Hot guy party celebration.

Elphaba: Since when?

Nessa: Since Galinda made Boq-I mean convince Boq to ask me out. Turns out that he was too shy to do it.

Elphaba: Again, since when?

Nessa: Stop being mean to Galinda and go to something nice for her.

Elphaba: Why?

Nessa: Cuz I can't! Plus she was nice to your crippled little sister…

Elphaba: Ok, fine, but only because she did something nice for you, don't expect me to become her best friend…Exits

Nessa: That's what you think…

Elphaba and Galinda's room.

Galinda: Hurry, zip me up, zip me up!

Shen Shen: I'm trying! But it won't go up!

Galinda: What do you mean it won't go up? It has to! Pfanee help her!

Pfanee and Shen Shen attempt to zip up the dress but continue to struggle

Galinda: What's the hold up?

Pfanee and Shen Shen: It won't go up!

Shen Shen: What size are you again?

Galinda: Uhhh! What are you trying to say? That I'm fat? 'Cuz I'm NOT. For your information, I'm a size 2!

Pfanee: But this IS a size 2!

Galinda: I'm just a little bloated okay? Just a little water retention caused by..by..by STRESS, that's caused by you two idiots if you don't zip up this DRESS!

Shen Shen: Okay, on the count of 3, Galinda you're gonna suck it in and me and Pfanee'll zip it up!

Pfanee: One, Two, THREE, Suck it in, suck it in She sucks it in and it somehow gets zipped up

Galinda: AHHH!! Finally! You useless pieces of crap! Ow Struggles to breathe

Pfanee: Eww Galinda what is this piece of crap Holds ugly witches hat

Galinda: Oh that, it's a hat my granny gave me, used as a foreshadowing device…I'd give it away but I don't hate anyone that much…

Shen Shen and Pfanee: Yeah ya do!

Galinda: Completely clueless Who?

Shen Shen and Pfanee: The Celery Stalk!

Galinda: Ohhhh Hits her forehead

As if on cue, the Celery Stalk enters

Elphaba: Hey me and my crippled sister were just talking about you…

Galinda: Oh I was talking shit on you too!! Look it's a hat used as a foreshadowing device, you should wear it to the party, it's so YOU!

Elphaba: Surprised Oh, um thanks, I think…

Galinda: You are welcomed runs away giggling with Shen Shen and Pfanee

Elphaba: I wonder if I should be suspicious?

Fades to the Ozdust Ballroom, Boq comes in chained to Nessa.

Boq: Nessa, I have to tell you something.

Nessa: What?

Boq: Umm Boq's Thoughts: I don't wanna be with you! I don't wanna be with you! Can you unchain me; the handcuffs are cutting off my circulation.

Nessa: Promise you won't try to run away?

Boq: Scared I promise! Pretty please!

Nessa: Okay! But if you do I'll have start stalking you again. Unchains him from wheelchair

Boq: Um there's something else I have to tell you, the real reason why I asked you here tonight…

Nessa:Makes sad face I know why, it's because I'm a cripple and you just felt sorry for me…

Boq: Falls into Nessa's trap and feels bad Uh no, it's because you're soo pretty…

Nessa: Sad face suddenly disappears Oh Boq I think you're wonderful! And one day we're gonna get married and have lots of babies!

Boq: Uncomfortable Uhh ya know what, I'm gonna ignore that and wheel you around the dance floor.

Nessa: What ever works for you. Wheels her around

Enter Tight-assed-pants wearing Fiyero and Size "2" Galinda

Galinda looks like she can't breathe, Fiyero notices

Fiyero: Um, are you okay there?

Galinda: struggling Yes of course! What makes you think I'm not!

Fiyero: Well you almost fainted as we came in-Suddenly Morrible comes in

Morrible: Hey Blondie, The Celery Stalk said she'd quit my seminar if I didn't let you in as well, and I NEED the Celery Stalk, so here's this wand even though I think you're completely useless.

Galinda: Wait, ELPHABA did what?

Morrible: Were you not paying attention?

Galinda: Yes, but WHY?

Morrible: It her way of paying you back for being so "nice" to her. See ya Pinches Fiyero's ass on her way out

Fiyero: Ow!! I'm gonna call child services for that!

Morrible:Yells as she walks away go ahead and try it exits

Fiyero: What's wrong?

Galinda: starting to feel bad I got what I wanted…

Fiyero: Sweet, let's dance!

As if on cue, AGAIN, Elphaba enters with her foreshadowing device, everyone stops dancing and makes way. Oh and stares at her.

Fiyero looks at Elphaba from across the room.

Fiyero: in love and stunned Who's that?

Galinda: My roommate, don't stare at her!

Fiyero: Why not? She's so, so, beau-

Galinda: not paying attention Green I know!

Students talking shit on The Celery Stalk, Celery Stalk gets pissed, give Blondie evil glare, and starts dancing all weird

Fiyero: Still amazed by Elphaba Wow, she doesn't give a shit about what ANYONE thinks of her…Fiyero's Thoughts: That's sexy. My new favorite color is green

Galinda: Still not paying close attention Yes she does, she just pretends not to…

Fiyero's Thoughts: Doesn't look like it to me, and trust me I know about pretending

Galinda: OW! clutches her stomache

Fiyero: unfazed What?

Galinda: I'm getting this really funny feeling. OoooOWOooooOw clutches stomache again Oh…no…I'm..getting..a con-scious…owwowow must…go…make…things…better…

Walks over to Elphaba

Galinda: May I dance like a freak with you?

Elphaba: No

Galinda: Please, I'm sorry!

Elphaba: Okay.

They dance all weird and then everyone accepts it

Galinda: Now let's all finish singing about how our lives can change while we're dancing through…Hint hint more foreshadowing…hint hint notice the irony…

Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed that. I'm sorry for not adding Popular to this chapter, but I didnt realize how long my rendition of "Dancing Through Life" was gonna be. I promise I'm gonna TRY to get "Popular" up today, but just "Popular", I think..well, I'll see. any way please review, they make me happy :)