Thank you all for your reviews, following and that you favor this story. And some big thanks for all your support and encouragement to continue this story. I was planning to continue this one anyway, I know that not everyone who's starting to read this story is going to like it automatically and no one's forced to read it if you don't like it. I know how it feels if you have some expectations. It happens to me too and if the story doesn't turn out to be the way I thought, I stop reading it. It's as simple as that. And all I can assure you are that this story will be Rizzles in the end. It might take a little longer than I thought myself.
Anyway, once again, thank you for giving this story a shot.
And as always, you are welcome to share your thoughts with me.
Enjoy this update,
T73.
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The next morning, I enter Maura's house and find the ME standing behind standing at the kitchen island, her back turned to me.
I sense that she is somewhat angry and disappointed, most likely because I turned my phone off and didn't even text her when I turned the device back on at my apartment. Her texts told me that she was worried in the first place, then she was hurt and after that she turned beyond furious. Writing things, I know she didn't mean to. I won't say what those messages said right now.
I heave a sigh and drop my keys on the counter, hesitating but then I round the island and stand close behind her, placing my hands on her hips. "I'm sorry." I whisper and kiss her neck gently. I love the advantage when she's wearing her hair in a ponytail.
She tilts her head a little but doesn't respond and I know that she's mad at me even though she might understand why I had to do this. I kiss her neck again, lightly, without any ulterior motives. "Maura -"
"I know that you are sorry, Jane." She cut me off and I furrow my brows. Her voice is calm but clinical and I know that she's only trying to protect herself, trying to protect her heart. We already had been there before. "I really know you are, you don't have to apologize."
I take a deep breath and run my hands down her shoulders to tell her that she can yell at me, call me any kind of names if she wants to, even that it'd be okay if she'd slap my face, but I know that Maura would never do any of this. Nothing of this besides yelling. Sometimes I'd prefer her becoming physical instead of punishing me with silence, instead of bottling up her anger.
I want to tell her once more that I'm sorry but I shut my mouth again before the words can slip out of it, knowing that it would only rattle her cage even more. I think it's time to ease the tension a little bit and walk towards the coffee maker, getting myself a cup out of one of the hanging cupboards. "I thought I'd run into your suitor Cory because I didn't stop by last night."
She turned to me, her face unreadable. "I actually contacted him after you drove off without telling me what's going on."
I clench my jaw for the split of a second and look in the direction of the stairs, keeping my expression neutral and expecting to see him coming down any second. "Oh. He didn't have time for you?"
Maura takes a sip of her very own coffee and frowned a little. "I contacted him that we won't date anymore and that he should not come again to the station."
I have to admit, relief is washing me but I still keep a straight face while pouring myself a cup of coffee. "How did he take your … little break up?"
"He was very understanding because he had the feeling that you and I are … more than friends."
"And yet he had the balls to show up at BPD and face me." My smile slips because Maura doesn't smile back at me. I'm beyond glad that today we have the weekend off and that neither of us are on call unless a serial killer is on the loose. And yet I never wished more for a serial killer running around in Boston. Is that sick? Hell, yeah! I watch Maura rounding the island and sitting down one of her high chairs. "You know, you could have asked Ma to come over last night, ask her to have a girl's night. I'm sure she'd have gladly accept."
Maura's looking long at me, running her fingertips along her bottom lip. "I didn't want to spend the night with your mother, Jane." She replies and I raise my eyebrows high. "Not because I wanted you to be in my bedroom, because I wanted to sit with my best friend on the couch and have nice evening. You should know by now that I'm not only thinking about sex every time I see you. That would be very frustrating at some point."
I frown a little and take a sip of my coffee. Am I the only one who turns into a horny teenage boy every time I'm around her. Okay, truth be told, right now I'm anything but horny. Right now, I'm more tired because I hardly slept last night, my mind was too busy to find some rest, and I know that Maura can see that but is discrete enough not to point that out. I see that she's wondering why I start to have restless nights again even though she knows the reason well. In the past, before we had been together, I'd assert that the nightmares of Hoyt would be back and that it'd be alright after some time. But I know that Maura know that it would be a big fat lie. She was there, too. She got to know that teenage boy herself and she was as worried as Frankie, Nina, Korsak and I were. And she had a hard time after his passing, too. All of us blamed ourselves for not preventing his death even though we all knew of what his mother's boyfriend was capable of, unfortunately we weren't able to convict her boyfriend of the murder of his … business partner. I never really understood how a woman that is lightning-quick could be together with an over-the-hill, abusive pimp and drug dealer.
Her seventeen-year-old Elias Torre happened to witness how his so-called father beat his partner to death after he mucked up a big drug deal. Elias had the guts to come to the precinct and to drop a dime on his mother's boyfriend Luke Ashton. Elias was a very smart and a very brave kid who didn't mince matters, telling us when and where the murder of Luke's partner took place. And to tell us where he kept his drugs and his money. In a nutshell, Luke was fucked after Elias came to us. Maura was able to confirm that his partner, Gresha Lutz, has been beaten to death with bare hands, and that he was a regular user himself.
However, we asked Celina Torre to come in and confirm her son's statement, to confirm that her boyfriend actually was an abusive thug. It took a little bit of arm-twisting but after some time she told us that Luke was that bastard Elias described to us, and even worse. She feared for her life, and for the one of her son, telling us that Elias was never the one who stepped back when Luke started to beat the living daylights out of her, always ending up in the hospital, both of them.
During the investigation, that unfortunately took us almost a week, all of us became closer to Elias and his mother. He told us that he wanted to become a cop after college and that made us showing him what the job of a cop includes, of course we didn't let him look into Luke Ashton's case of course.
Nina was amused because she and Elias discussed all kind of IT knowledge they had while we were tried to take care of the Ashton case. Frankie told him stories of his time as a uniformed just as Korsak. In the end, we really had a close bond with Elias and Celina. She was really grateful because we took Elias under our leadership, telling us that we'd be a good influence for her son.
All of us gave both of them our cards and told them to call us whenever they'd need our help. Unfortunately, we hadn't been able to nail Luke down on the murder of Gesha Lutz, not in time, we had to let him go while we were looking for more evidence. I remember that I had been sitting on Maura's couch and drinking a beer after work when my phone started to buzz and Celina's named flashed on its display. I thought that she just wanted to tell us that Elias was doing fine and grinned broadly, every news about the boy were good news. Not that night. I listened to Celina's crying while she told me that Luke showed up at her house unexpectedly and started to accuse her that she'd was the one who blew the whistle on him, starting to beat her once again. And that Elias stepped him, beating Luke back this time. Such a stupid little boy. Luke was taller by almost two heads and built like a Mack truck. This was meant to end bad, and it did. Celina told me that paramedics would take Elias to Mass Gen because Luke beat the shit out of Elias after the boy tried to defend his mother.
It took Maura and me only a heartbeat to be at that hospital. I barely recognized the boy when I saw him, Luke didn't just beat Elias up. He beat him up so Elias' life was hanging by a thread. He was beaten black and blue; his face was swollen and a bloody mess. I was sure that Luke also kicked the boy's head.
Maura had to talk to me soothingly so I wouldn't do the same to Luke Ashton, and hell, it took her some effort.
Maura became friends with Elias as well, tutoring him whenever he didn't get something at school and being happy to have a protégé like him.
I still remember her standing outside of the morgue, staring through one of the windows at Elias' body on one of her tables. I will never forget Celina's cry when the doctor told her that they were doing everything they could but that her seventeen-year-old son would never come out of the coma again because he didn't show any signs of cerebral activity. Elias was braindead and was still alive because of the life-support machine, I still remember the look on Maura's face when I came down to the morgue, catching her staring at his maltreated body through one of the windows. I will never forget her pained expression. And her face when she confirmed that Luke's hands were the deadly weapon by comparing the prints of fists on Elias' body with the pictures we have taken of Luke's fists. Positively.
Frankie had to hold me back the moment we arrested Luke. I was about to do the same to that son of a bitch.
I think with Elias' death a little of us all died, too.
The entire BPD collected money so Celia could afford a decent funeral, all of us attended it without a second thought.
It took place three years ago and every year I drop by at Elias' grave, paying him my respect. All of us do. Either alone or with one another.
Yesterday was the day of this brave boy's death and I nearly forgot about it. After I left Maura's office and sat at my desk, the date caught my eye and I changed my mind while sitting in my car in front of Maura's place, not sure if she remembers the day.
Okay, who am I fooling? Maura still knows every detail of the day we met for the very first time, I remember that day. I blink a couple of times and look at her, noticing that she's lost in her very own train of thoughts. "I should have taken you with me." I state and she looks confused at me. "To Elias' grave."
She looks into her mug and takes a deep breath. "I paid it a visit before I went to the office."
I smile a little but then sober. "I nearly forgot it, the day of his death."
"But you didn't, you remembered him."
"How could I forget him, he was an extraordinary kid." I reply and smile at her again. "He was a little, male you." I take a deep breath and furrow my brows. "You know, when I left your office I wanted to have it off with you at the end of the day. But then I sat at my desk and it hit me hard, that Elias is gone for three years already and then I was sitting in my car right in front of your house and I felt bad. I felt bad because I nearly missed the day. I never miss the day. Not of Frost's, not of Elias'. I wanted to tell you what's going on in my mind but instead I took off and turned off my phone because I planned on getting wasted, to kill the bottle of wine I bought for you and the six pack of beer I bought for myself. And I am not a very good company when I am drunk on such days. But I should have write you that I won't drop by instead of turning off my phone."
Maura's taking a deep breath and looking intensely at me. "Are you going to share what's going on in the head of yours today?"
"I just did." I reply and get a roll of her eyes, keeping my distance. "Are we ever getting past that?"
"Past Elias' death," she asks and frowns a little. "With some time, we do."
I sigh in frustration pointing at her and then at me. "Past this. Past our relationship. Do we ever become real friends again, or even -"
"I hope so," Maura cuts me off and licks her lips. "But we have to see it through."
I furl my brows and drop my arms to my side. "What's not to understand, Maura? You care about me, I care about you. We have a chemistry, Maura. I don't want to be only your best friend you have sex with every now and then. I don't want to be only your stress-reliever, I want you. I want you to the fullest. I'm not just a sex toy you can toss to the side when you don't need it anymore." I stop and swallow hard, not knowing where this is coming from. Well, I do but I didn't plan on sharing those thoughts just yet. I can see that Maura's face turns stoic but also that she's listening. "I have feelings, Maura. And I'm not able to bottle them up anymore. I don't know why are not able to say it, but I love you. I love you, Maura Isles." I really should shut up now, knowing that I ruined everything. I watch her getting up from her chair and rounding the island that separates us. She stands in front of me and running her hands up my front, not touching inappropriate places. She stands on her tiptoes and kiss my lips lightly, almost sweetly, putting her forehead against mine. I hear her inhale sharply and know that she's fighting with her own thoughts and feelings right now. That whatever is coming next isn't going to be easy for her. I wrap my arms around her and hold my breath. Maybe, just maybe, she's saying the words, too. I keep my hopes high. She kisses me again, and again, and again, and I start to believe that I might broke through her very own walls.
Maura keeps her eyes closed but start to caress my cheeks with her thumbs, whispering against my lips, "You should leave now."
My heart drops that moment and I know that my eyes mirror the pain I'm feeling right now. She teared out my heart broke it right in front of my eyes and then she stomped onto the pieces. I frowned deeply, asking, "What?"
Maura takes a deep breath and licks her lips, looking down at mine. "You should leave."
I glance over her head at the wall and anger is bubbling up in me the next moment, I have the intention to let it out unfiltered. "So that's it?" I growl and she takes a step back. Not because she's afraid of me but because she wants to make clear that this is over after I once again said those words, after I once again poured my feelings for her. I set my jaw and clench my fists. "I'm just a toy you are using every time you need it?" Right now, I remember my mother's words. An affair is only so much fun until someone gets hurt. I didn't think that my heart would be broken that fast. I was hoping that it'd take the next four or five years, maybe ten, the rest of my life. Yeah, I might appear like I'm taking advantage of Maura, and I do. I really do. She turns away from me and it's hard for me to keep my temper in check. "I am just some relief for you, aren't I?"
She turns her back to me and takes a deep breath, swallowing her answer.
I take a step forward but don't bolt because I exposed my heart. "Maura?"
"Yes," she's hissing harshly, not turning to me. "Yes, you are. You are just a reliever. No more, no less."
I'm not buying it at all and cross my arms over my chest. "Look at me and say that again. Perhaps then I'm buying it."
Maura turns once more and looks me dead in the eye. "You … are dour."
I furrow my brows and nod. "Yes, I am. But you were about to tell me that I am not more than just a random fuck. Don't even go there, admonishing me." I cut her off right the second she opens her mouth. I clench my jaw and take a moment before I say, "Okay, you win. I won't bother you anymore. You want to make a clean cut, let's make a clean cut." I gather my belongings again and head for the front door, turning to her. I don't know why but this time it doesn't hurt so much anymore. It still hurts but not that much like the first time or the last time. I'm sure that Maura can see in my eyes that I'm somewhat numb deep inside now because I hear her gasp when she looks me in the eye. "It's your call, Maura." Another part of me wants to stay, wants to ask her if she's really sure, wants me to walk back and wrap my arms tightly around her until she'll change her mind. Another part of me wants to convince her that all of this is wrong and stupid. But I'm proud and hurt. This time I won't relent, this time I won't be the one begging her on my knees to think this through. The ball is in her court now, and I think she knows it.
I give her the chance to say something, to tell me that she needs time to think about what she really wants. Maura's silent and I leave her house without a final goodbye, without saying that we'll see tomorrow at work.
I don't know if that's going to happen, and even if, I'll keep it strictly professional. No joking around anymore, no knowing smiles anymore. She wants it, she'll get it. I don't slam the door shut behind me even though I feel like doing so, but I'm no child anymore, and I don't turn my head back to the house to see if she's standing at one of the windows to see if I'm really driving off. I don't even sit in my car and brood about going back into the house and picking the fight up again where I left it. This time I won't make a fool of myself. I take a deep breath, starting the engine and driving out of her driveway. I clench my jaw and swallow down my emotions. I am sick and tired of slamming my fist against the steering wheel and crying. In the past I would have gone to a random bar and pick up a random woman for the day to numb my arching heart, or I'd get shitfaced, but neither of that won't happen today. Now, I'm driving home, take a shower to cool down and sit down, watching TV to keep my mind busy. I think it's going to work this time, I have the feeling it will. I don't know why but somehow, I knew that Maura and I would end up in a fight. I prepared myself for it.
There is a saying of a vocalist, I can't remember her name. One of the most courageous decisions you'll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul.
I take a deep breath and nod to myself. It's not like that I'm not hurt. On the contrary, this fight hurt as hell but this time it won't affect my physical state or even my job. Hell, I'm a grown woman, I should be able to handle another rejection. Perhaps this one deflecting off me because I got used to them over the year. Perhaps because I pulled some of my protective walls up again. I stop at a red light and close my eyes. Shit, I really thought that Maura was the one with whom I could my guards down completely, expose myself, reveal my vulnerability.
My eyes snap open again and I tighten my hold on the steering wheel. Okay, to be fair. I know that Maura would never take advantage of my soft side. Sure, sometimes she can be a bitch, but who isn't? Don't me wrong, I would never call her that straight in the face. I mean, who isn't a bitch at least once in a lifetime? I am one every time I have a bad day or when there is no progress in a case, or when my mother is bugging me. And as experience teaches, there are women in the world who'd take advantage of the fact that I'm a good-hearted cop, asking for little favors like to disperse a parking ticket or connive at their drug use. Yes, I had a way with these kinds of women when I was younger, and no, I never condoned their misdeeds. After all I'm a cop. Maura, on the other hand, only asks me for a favor when she's in some serious trouble after we … I don't even know how to name that … Broke up? And who am I to refuse Maura my help even though we are not intimate privately anymore?
I mean, even though we have our differences in our private life, after all she's still my best friend, or that's what I tell myself. And I was never one of those people who leave their friends high and dry. And it's not like Maura's coming to me three times a week and ask me to look into fal-lal of her very own friends. If she'd start that, we'd be friends no more. But I know her, I know that she's way too professional for something like that. She'd never ask me or one of our team to be open to corruption ourselves for her private matters. She even would never overstep her very own authority.
I take a deep breath and look at my phone that is laying on the passenger's seat and which is starting to buzz three times, telling me that I just received a text. I don't need to know who just wrote to me. I know that it's her, Maura. Telling me that she's hoping that I won't do something stupid and to be safe on my way wherever I'm going right now. I won't answer her right now, or even not for the next few hours. I just want to be by myself and forget about the morning before I'm able to reply calmly, without any accusation, without picking up another fight. I take a deep breath and continue my way home as soon as the traffic light turns green, hoping that Maura won't hit me with texts.
I know, I'm a selfish asshole!
