Kurt pulled into the Puckerman driveway and fixed his hair.
"Well I better get this over with… I hope Nana isn't like Noah's mom," he said aloud to the empty car.
He didn't even get to ring the bell before Sarah threw open the door and launched herself into Kurt's arms.
"Kurtie! Is Noey okay? I was so scared. You're gonna take me to see him, right?"
"Slow down Sarah." Kurt looked over Sarah's shoulder at a matronly-looking woman who was coming from the kitchen with a smile. "Come in Kurt." She smiled warmly at him and he began to relax.
"Thank you." Kurt kissed and hugged Sarah as he lifted her into his arms. Even at eleven Sarah didn't weigh much and they both appreciated the closeness.
"Nana this is Kurt, Noah's lyubovnik he told you about."
"Ah! Khaver! Welcome, welcome." Nana gathered Kurt and Sarah into her arms for a hug. "Are you hungry ziskeit?"
Kurt nodded. "I could eat." He carried Sarah into the kitchen.
It smelled fantastic! Apparently Nana had been baking all morning. She served Kurt a plate of Rugelach and pushed him into a seat. Sarah slid herself into the seat next to him when Nana brought over a plate for her.
"So tell me, how is my Noah? I can't drive as much as I would like anymore but I need to get over there." she sat across from Kurt with a cup of tea.
"Physically he'll heal, he has some broken ribs and needed some stitches, but he's got a hard head so there's that. His memory is the big thing. Some things are coming back to him but a lot of it is still blank. We're hoping his journal will jog his memory. The doctors are running some tests, just to be safe, this afternoon but they seem fairly confident that time is all it will take."
Kurt took a bite and couldn't contain the moan as the rich pastry and still warm fruit filling danced across his taste buds. "Oh my Gaga this is amazing!"
Nana beamed while Sarah chuckled.
"My eyniklekh here tells me you're a good cook as well. I'm glad my Noah found himself someone who can feed him!" she chuckled.
"Umm, Mrs. Puckerman…"
"It's Nana, bubla," she said as she patted his hand.
"Right, Nana, umm, Noah and I are just friends." Kurt glanced at Sarah in time to see her roll her eyes.
"Oh, no, no, no. My Noah told me all about his lyubovnik and you are definitely more than friends," she laughed. "But he did tell me you were hesitant because of his bad behavior, yet Sarah says you are fixing that as well, which is good, very good! That boy needs a firm hand and a lot of love. Lord knows he didn't get it from either of his parents."
Kurt nodded politely and continued eating. Inside his mind he was freaking out. Noah had told his grandmother about Kurt and apparently a lot more. He made a mental note to get a Yiddish/Hebrew dictionary and start learning fast.
"I'll go get Noah's journals Kurtie," Sarah informed him as she took her plate to the sink. "How many do you want?"
"Excuse me? How many are there?"
"My last count was last year and there were probably about twenty then, but some of them are just music he writes, so we probably don't need those, right?"
"Ya, I don't think those will help much. Why don't you just grab just a few? Maybe the last one and the current one and we can go from there."
"Okay." Sarah beamed at him before running off.
"She is very fond of you, almost as much as Noah." Nana smiled as Kurt blushed once again. "Tell my grandson I will be up to see him tomorrow after I take Sarah to school. My friend Moira offered to drive me around since I can really only do small trips."
"Have you heard from his mother?" Kurt didn't really care but he didn't want her showing up at the hospital making a scene.
"She called from Columbus this morning. She's checked herself into a center there, hopefully she will get the help she needs this time." Nana brought her cup to the sink and started washing the dishes.
"This time? She's been there before?"
"Unfortunately, yes. My son's always been a rambler. I hoped when they married and had Noah he would settle down but he didn't and poor Nora she fell apart. I tried to help but she shut me out. She shut everyone out. Then she started drinking. Sarah was about four the first time she tried to clean up but it only lasted about six-months. Noah's pretty much raised Sarah since then. I hate that I can't do more for them but she becomes more agitated when I step in and usually takes it out on the boy so I try to help from behind the scenes."
"You do fine Nana." Sarah commented as she walked back into the room. "Noey takes care of me and now he has Kurtie to take care of him."
Nana just laughed.
Sarah handed three books to Kurt. "Remember the dance is Friday, you're gonna help me put together an outfit right?"
"Yes, of course, you'll be the belle of the ball." Kurt smiled before looking down at the books in his hand.
He ran a hand lovingly over one of the covers without realizing it. Inside were Noah's thoughts put into words? Kurt was a little intimidated about what he would find inside.
Sarah and Nana shared a knowing look.
"Let me read you something," the girl took the bottom book out and started flipping through the pages. When she found what she was looking for she looked up at Nana, smiling softly, before turning to Kurt and started to read out loud.
December 18, 2010. Journal, Hanukkah's coming and I am wishing for the same thing this year. The courage to tell Kurt how I feel! With all the bullshit in my life, thoughts of Kurt and Sarah are the only things that get me through the day. My Ma's useless as a functioning human let alone a parent and I want to hang myself when I think about the baby too long. I don't know where I'd be without them. Sarah's my rock, so precious to me – my reason for getting up in the morning. But Kurt – fuck – just seeing him even from a distance… ya, pretty sure I will NEVER be good enough for him, but that doesn't change anything.
Today he wore this sweater that looked so soft in this shade of blue that made his eyes practically pornographic. I was sure my tongue was hanging on the ground. That and he had on the tightest pair of jeans I've seen on him yet. It shouldn't be legal for him to look that good! I just wanted to touch him and for a moment I convinced myself I could do it – I could admit that I'm in love with him – but as soon as I got close to him someone slammed a locker and I jumped. This caused me to knock into him shovin' him into the locker. He looked at me with such disgust. My heart broke a little more. The thing is there's no way he could hate me more than I hate myself! I'm such a fuckin' coward. I say I'm a badass but I'm nowhere close. If I were a true badass I would tell him the truth – I would man up – I would admit the truth. Everyone thinks Quinn was my "one" but the truth is she's just the closest substitute to Kurt as I could get. It was never her, it will always be him.
I wound up in the nurse's office "taking a nap" because it's the safest place for my tears. I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to fix this – how to fix me – into something he will think is worth a damn…
"Sarah! Stop please…" Kurt had tears streaming down his face. "I-I didn't know…"
"There's more," she said.
Kurt shook his head 'no,' "I think I've heard enough right now. Besides we have to get going, Noah's having tests done and I promised I'd be back before."
Sarah handed him the journal and then hugged Nana before hurrying off to get her jacket and backpack. Kurt was going to help her with homework while they waited.
"Kurt," Nana placed her hands on his shoulders, "my baby, he's done things he shouldn't and you are completely justified in not forgiving him, just, if you don't, could you let him down easy? I don't want to lose him."
Kurt had no words. He just nodded and hugged her, turning for the door quickly. He had to stop crying before he got back to the hospital.
When they were in the car and on their way, Sarah turned to Kurt, "I didn't mean to make you cry, Kurtie. I just wanted you to know my brother the way I do… you know, like the softer parts."
"It's fine, Sarah, and you're right I do need to know the softer parts."
They held hands and softly sang along to the radio all the way to the hospital.
XXXXXX
The minute they walked in the door I knew something was wrong. I could see it on Kurt's face and even though my memory has taken a long walk off a short pier, I just know something happened. His eyes were bright like he was trying to keep from crying. The little brunette girl standing behind him peeking at me must be my sister. She keeps looking at me, then at Kurt, then back to me. Finally I watch her give him a push that startles him.
"Sorry," he mumbles. "Sarah you can go hug your brother, just, be careful of his ribs okay?"
I found myself with a lap full of little girl a moment later.
"I missed you Noey. Did you kick ass on whoever did this?" Sarah hugged me gently before easing back.
I had to laugh. I totally remembered Sarah as I pulled her back to my side. My mind was playing a home-movie of scenes with the two of us together. I had raised this little girl and tears started to form as I leaned down to kiss her on the head. The only person I loved as much as Sarah was still standing at the end of my bed staring at me like he had never seen me before.
I noticed he had several notebooks in his hand. I assumed those were my journals. My eyes locked with his and I couldn't figure out what was wrong, but then it hit me, he'd read something. I didn't know if it was good or bad and the not knowing was starting to get to me.
"Kurt?" I whispered, although I have no idea why.
Sarah slipped off the bed and went to Kurt. I watched as she took his hand and led him over to me, sitting him down on the bed.
"I'll be right back. I'm gonna use the bathroom." I'm pretty sure she smirked at me.
I cleared my throat. "What happened? What's wrong?"
He shook his head before moving closer. "Nothing's wrong, Noah." He smiled, "Are you nervous?"
"A little but when I saw Sarah everything about her came back to me. I remember everything about her so I'm feelin' hopeful."
"You're going to be fine, Noah. You'll see."
I was just about to ask what he had read, 'cause I was pretty sure that's what had happened, when the nurse came in with a wheelchair to take me upstairs.
Kurt helped me out of bed and into the chair. He kneeled down and kissed me on the lips softly. "I'll be right here waiting for you to come back to me," he said kissing me one more time.
Sarah returned at that moment and smiled at both of us. "Have a good test, Noey."
"Take care of Kurt for me, Small Fry," I said while ruffling her hair just before the nurse wheeled me out.
XXXXXX
"You should probably start on your homework, Sarah." Kurt smiled at the girl. "I think I'm going to read some more but if you need help let me know, okay?"
"Sure Kurtie."
Kurt settled down on the bed and opened the journal to the beginning.
August 14, 2010. Well Journal I'm pretty sure I fuck up my life tonight. I'd been fighting with Ma earlier today so I wasn't in a good frame of mind but that's not an excuse. Thank God Sarah is at Nana's for the weekend! I was about three beers in when Quinn knocked on the door. I don't remember inviting her over although she insisted I did. She starts blabbing about Finn and how he never pays enough attention to her or compliments her. I didn't really give a fuck, but I offered her a wine cooler after she turned her nose up at the beer. She drank two. The next thing I know she's in my lap with her tongue down my throat asking me to make her feel better.
I was about to show her the door when I caught a whiff of her perfume or lotion or whatever. It's the same one Kurt wears – my favorite. That's all it took before I had her half-naked under me on the couch. The whole time I'm imaging Kurt and I'm so wrapped up in my fantasy that I'm fairly certain I even called her Kurt once or twice. I know I definitely said his name when I came. Good thing my face was buried in her shoulder at the time or I would've had a lot of explaining to do. I kicked her out quickly and she seemed okay with leaving fast anyway. I took a long hot shower and cried – fuck! I am losing my God damn mind! I can't get that boy out of my head and now I just had sex with my best friend's girl. I could feel the panic rising cutting off my airway. I slumped to the floor trying to breathe. How the fuck am I going to explain this to Finn? I don't even like Quinn – she's such a bitch all the time to everyone.
I don't know what to do and there's no one to talk to. I write this stuff down to get it out but I'm not sure it even does any good. I finally made it to my bed – duh, right? How else would I be writing this? Fuckwad! You know it would be so easy to off myself sometimes but then I think about Sarah and what would happen to her – hopefully she could live with Nana but who knows what shit Ma would pull first. Then there's Kurt… jeez he looked so amazing today. I saw him at the grocery store when I stopped for some milk. He's had another growth spurt over the summer, I noticed. He's a little taller, still rail thin but his face still has that touch of roundness from childhood – thank fuck! His legs are longer, melting into that perfect ass. That ass haunts my every dream and let's face it most of my waking hours too. I wish I was brave enough to talk to him, to have a civil conversation with him, but that hasn't happened since before junior high. I know, I have no one to blame but myself but that just makes it worse.
It's late I'm going to bed…
Laters ~
Kurt skipped a few pages.
September 4, 2010. Journal, do think it would be possible for me to kick my own ass? Maybe I should go to fight club and pick a fight with the biggest guy there and let him do the job… Maybe it would make the pain go away, at least for a little while.
Today was the first day of school. I'm standing with Finn and a couple of the others. I saw Kurt get off the bus and cross the parking lot. He was looking straight ahead adjusting his bag nervously. I wasn't even conscious of my feet moving until my arm was thrown over his shoulder. He let out this adorable little squeak. I tried to inhale as much of his scent as I could before I realized we had walked toward the dumpster. Then Mr. Schue walks by and asks Kurt if he's making new friends or some shit. I can't believe that dumb ass, I mean come on really? By this time the guys have gathered and all I want to do is keep touching him and smelling him. I look over at Finn and he has that 'I know something else is going on but I'm too dense to figure out what it is so I'll just stare' look on his face. Then Kurt hands Finn his bag and jacket before turning back to me. The next thing I know he's in the dumpster and it's all over. I'm frowning because I blew it AGAIN! This wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to man the fuck up!
I caught the look of hurt and betrayal on his face and I just couldn't take it. I ran away – well, I walked – but ya, I was totally running away. I wound up in the nurse's office again bawling like a fuckin' baby. This shit has got to stop. I can't keep this up much longer.
Kurt wiped at the tears on his cheeks and skipped ahead.
September 7, 2010. One of the hockey losers slushied Kurt today. I wanted to break my foot off in the guy's ass! I was so fuckin' pissed. Before I could even register anything else that Aretha chick and the goth one grabbed him and hauled him into the girl's bathroom for clean up. I'm glad there is someone there for him even though I wish with my whole self it could be me.
Whatever, it's a pipe dream…
Laters ~
September 15, 2010. Something is up with Finn – that douche is hiding something and I'm gonna find out what it is. He's been missing some practices and acting funny around the guys. He said Carole is sick or something, some sort of surgery. I actually love Carole – she's what a real mom should be – so if she's not well I'm gonna have Sarah make her a card and get her some flowers.
Actually, that's a great idea… tomorrow's Saturday – I'll take that stuff over there and check on her.
Cool – Laters ~
September 16, 2010. FINN IS DEAD MEAT! That fucker lied to me. Prostate surgery – what the actual fuck? Good thing Carole bought it when I told her I could have heard it wrong, she knows how Finn mumbles sometimes. Then she told me what the prostate was and I almost flipped shit again. You know what the icing on the cake was? Finding out he went to some singing competition – WITH MY FUCKING KURT! I think it's time I remind Frankenteen who is the alpha in this friendship.
Laters ~
September 20, 2010. GLEE CLUB… that asshole joined Glee Club! Now don't get me wrong, I don't give a flying fuck if he likes to sing and dance (even though he can't dance for shit) and I don't care if it looked like he did it to get close to that annoying Berry girl from my synagogue – KURT IS IN GLEE CLUB! That means Finn is going to hang out with him every other day or so AND be welcomed. Why is the universe trying to kill me?
The only sort of good thing that happened today is I heard a rumor that I've been screwing MILF's all summer while cleaning their pools – I can totally use this to boost my sex shark rep without having to bang any worthless Cheerios. I may have laid it on a little thick in the locker room but those saps just ate it up. I had a brief thought that I was gonna have a hell of a time explaining the truth to Kurt when he heard about it but then I thought when the fuck is Kurt ever gonna talk to me that I have to worry about it.
Yup, welcome to my fucked up life… hurry, hurry, step right up – main attraction here. A sixteen year old boy who is so worthless no one wants him for more than an hour and who is so pathetically in love with the most gorgeous boy in the whole fuckin' town but can't scrape up the balls to be anything other than a Lima Loser and own it. Ya, that's freak show gold right there folks.
Have I mentioned I hate my life?
Laters ~
Kurt startled as a tissue was shoved into his hand. He looked up to see Sarah watching him carefully.
"Maybe you shouldn't read them if you're just gonna cry, Kurtie," she said softly.
"It's just…," Kurt cleared his throat and tried again. "Did you know? Did you know how he felt about himself? About me?"
"Ever since I could read I've been reading his journals. He knows I do. Sometimes I even write stuff to him in them, like when he's having a real bad day or week – I write how much I love him and how I wouldn't want anyone else to take care of me. He always comes and finds me when he reads them and gives me a great big hug. After a couple of times he bought me my own journal and sometimes he'll read mine and write me little notes. It's kinda our thing now. So, ya, I know how he feels about himself and how much he loves you."
"You're okay with him loving me?" Kurt wasn't sure he wanted to have this conversation with her.
"Kurtie, me and Noey, we don't have too many good things going for us, ya know. Nana, Finn and Carole were it for the longest time, but now we have you and Burt back, how can I be anything other than okay? There are only three things that make my brother truly happy – his guitar, me and you."
Kurt didn't think it was as simple as Sarah made it sound but then again maybe it was and maybe he was just making it harder than it needed to be.
He smiled at her. "Thanks Sar-bear."
October 2, 2010. Quinn's pregnant…
She called me a Lima Loser. She's right. I like to think I've done a half-way decent job raising Sarah but the truth is I've probably fucked her up more than my parents have.
Quinn's right.
(In blue crayon)
No she's not! I love you Noey and you will always be my hero. I'm sorry you're hurting. I wish I could make it go away. Love, Sar-bear.
Kurt closed the book and excused himself to the bathroom. Once there he sat and cried. Poor Noah, so much on his plate and so scared all the time, but with so much love wanting to be shared. That much was evident. Just the measly three pages he'd read so far had given him a glimpse of a boy so different than the one he thought he knew. If he was honest with himself he knew there was more to Noah Puckerman. They had spent the last part of their summer together and Kurt knew he hurt him with his behavior at school, but to be fair Kurt was just trying to protect himself.
He was going to make this right somehow.
When he had finally collected himself and fixed his hair Kurt returned to the room to find Noah already in bed and Carole tucking him in. A momentary flare of jealousy settling itself into his stomach made him look away.
XXXXXX
"Hey babe," I said when I saw Kurt standing at the foot of my bed. Looking at him carefully I could tell he'd been crying. My stomach turned, I'm always making him cry it seems.
"Hey yourself, how did it go?"
"Good, I guess, won't know any results until probably tomorrow."
Carole interrupted, "I'm gonna take Sarah with me to the cafeteria to get a snack. You boys want anything?"
"No thanks, Mrs. H."
I waited for them to leave before holding out my hand to Kurt. He stared at it for a moment before looking back at me. My heart pretty much stopped beating before he threw himself at me, still mindful of my injuries.
"I'm so, so sorry, Noah. I didn't know – I just thought…," his sobs broke through and I could feel the hot tears soaking my neck and shoulder.
"Shh, babe… hey, come on – there's no way you could've known. I didn't tell anyone, baby." I stroked his back and kissed his cheek wherever I could reach.
I didn't care about the discomfort; I just tightened my hold on him, rocking as gently as I could. It took a few minutes for him to get it out.
"You probably don't even know what I'm talking about." He pulled away, wiping harshly at his eyes.
"Hey, careful, not so hard! I love those eyes and you're rubbing them too roughly."
He blinked at me.
"Do you – did you remember something?"
"Not everything, but while I was laying there dozing off, more and more started coming back to me. I'm gonna be fine, Kurt. The tech told me it happens all the time to people when they get hit hard enough in the head. He said some shit about lobes and memory storage or some shit – half the time I wasn't even paying fuckin' attention, you know. I just let the scenes play in my head."
He reached out and ghosted his fingers over my stitches and bandage.
"How much did you read?" I knew this was what was causing him to react this way.
"Not that much actually, I think maybe three or four pages, but they were really powerful. Noah, I-I…" he took a breath, "I don't know how I feel."
I nodded my head. This is what I was afraid of and I could feel my own eyes starting to water. I didn't even have the energy to fight them back.
He took my hand. "I want to find out, though. I want the chance to get to know you again, the real you, if you'll let me."
I was shocked. I never expected him to give me a chance. Most of what I remembered was a lot of bad shit I'd done to him and the others. I was suddenly curious what he read.
"Of course!" I blurted out. "Princess, whatever you need or want, I'm down with that."
"Do you remember the day we took Sarah clothes shopping?"
"Umm, no. Was it recent?"
"Maybe less than a month ago. Anyway, that day I saw a side of you I haven't seen since we were children – a playful, loving side of you – and from what I've read, it seems you have been trying to uncover that side and let it out but you've been afraid. So I guess what I'm saying is, that if you let me in I'll do whatever it takes to keep you safe and unafraid."
"I'm gonna kiss you now," I said as I pulled him closer. I could feel him smile against my lips before he kissed me back.
I didn't hear the door open so the cough startled us both. I reached for his hand as I looked over at the newcomer in my room. He looked familiar, but I couldn't place him and I couldn't come up with a name. I did, however, register that Kurt began to shake. When I looked at him his eyes were wide with either shock or fear – I couldn't tell.
I heard him whisper as he exhaled, "Karofsky."
AN: Just a bit of a cliff-hanger just for my pal Kurtofsky4eva! Let me know what you think so far.
Hugs, Melissa
