Chapter 3: Bad Days and Good Days
Base was harder to navigate than Zaluna's village. There were no clear sidewalks and paths to follow. Even the traffic and noise of the city had created non-physical walls of sound to line up with and follow. If traffic passed in front of you, then you were approaching a corner to an intersection. Despite the chaos, it made sense. Base was a lot of open space with sporadic and ever changing paths created by storage crates and supplies. What made matters worse was that the storage containers felt the same, were made of the same material and shape so the Force or his fingers couldn't find a way to differentiate them and therefore they couldn't serve as landmarks to let him know where he was. There were some sound clues such as ship engines (and the smell of exhaust) indicating he was near the training, the hum of a generator at the opposite end of base from the ships, and landing area of base and the beeping of the perimeter sensors that he dare not cross.
Basically base was a blind man's nightmare. Everything felt longer in open spaces and he found himself really reaching out in the Force to find something to serve as a beacon to head towards and focus. But if he did that sometimes he would forget to move his cane back and forth properly and now his shins surely had bruises all over them. However, it was a little easier to navigate by where the makeshift living quarters were constructed for the other pilots…as Kanan learned by accidentally getting lost there.
It had been a few days and yet no matter how much he practiced, it didn't seem to get any easier walking on his own. To the contrary, he found the whole experience of constantly feeling and checking the ground with the cane and the Force was incredibly disconcerting. He also found himself straining his eyes behind the mask at times involuntarily.
"Kanan!" a voice boomed from somewhere to Kanan's right as he trailed the side of something metal.
Nearly dropping his cane in surprise, Kanan stopped dead in his tracks. He was so focused on trying to extend his senses with the Force that he hadn't been paying attention to the people around him. The Force told him that there were large hollow objects and mostly likely that meant they were the living quarters for the pilots and other rebels on base.
"How have you been? It's Rex," the voice continued followed by footsteps. Of course it was Rex. "Did I startle you?" He chuckled.
"No, Gramps. Of course not." Frowning, Kanan turned to face the man and pulled his cane upright. Part of him wanted to retract it and hide it from view but it was too late. Surely, Rex had been watching him without his knowing.
Slap! He wobbled off balance slightly as Rex suddenly gave his shoulder a friendly shake. "Of course not," Rex echoed good-naturedly. "So how's it going?"
"It's going fine, you know. Just…walking." Yeah, real smooth response, he thought to himself. He tapped his cane against the ground nervously. He could sense Rex's understanding in the Force. He turned toward the man and aimed his face based on where his voice came from combined with where he felt the man was. "How're you?"
"Good, good. You know how things go. Been doing a bit of recon work and getting ready for the upcoming mission. Wanna join me for a drink? Have to say this recon work paid off, nabbed a few crates of the good stuff while those damn buckets weren't looked. Sato wasn't too happy…" He paused and then gave a hearty chuckle. "Told him I'd get rid of it. Get paid for it or something. But you know the squad's got to unwind somehow. Come on."
Kanan had to give a small laugh at that. And how could he say no to a drink? He needed to unwind too. "Sure. Lead the way."
Rex started walking and Kanan found it was easy to follow his signature and his intention in the Force. He stayed a few steps behind the man so as not to hit him with his cane.
They didn't walk far before and stopped. Kanan could tell that they were still around where all the makeshift living quarters were set up. The buildings he had been trailing didn't feel different and nothing about the surroundings had changed in the Force as far as he could tell.
"These are my quarters," Rex announced and fiddled with what Kanan assumed was a lock pad by the doorframe. "Nothing fancy but better than the other quarters. This one has a view."
Kanan didn't say anything to that. He just couldn't bring himself to make blind jokes. Sometimes he wanted to but for the most part they just made him feel like he was missing something. He was always missing something now. Maybe over time it would get easier…but not yet.
The door opened and he heard Rex step through. Kanan's brow furrowed in concentration. He couldn't quite sense the edges of the door just the hollowness of the room. Using the cane, he found there was a lip in the door and carefully stepped over it. Then he was stranded. He could sense the objects but not what they were.
The door closed and Rex moved further in the room and started to dig in the cabinets and crates. The sounds of the doors banging telling Kanan there were quite a few. He smirked. "How much stuff do you have, Rex?"
"Just a few crates of things. I'm a bit of a hoarder in my old age." He laughed. "I tend to keep things I find from before the empire. You never know if you'll be seeing those things for the last time, you know? "
"Yeah, I know…" Kanan said trying not to think about seeing things for the last time as the memories of Malachor flashed through his mind. And how every morning he feared that his visual memory was fading. Sometimes he went through ridiculous meditations and "mental training" to try and make sure he wouldn't lose those memories. He never wanted to forget Hera's face, the brilliant color of her skin, Ezra's blue eyes. Sabine's paintings and every-changing appearance. Zeb chasing Chopper.
"Well are you going to stand there all day?"
Kanan frowned and took a few steps toward Rex. "You want to let me know where a seat is?" He reached out with the Force. But here there were no intentions. No dangers. Nothing to sense beyond Rex's life force. He swept the cane out and located something hard. He walked up to it and reached out with his hand. Table.
"There's a chair to your right directly across from me," Rex explained. Kanan trailed along the table's edge with his hand and located the chair with his cane and sat.
There was the sound of something pouring. "You are going to love this." A cup slid across the table. "I couldn't believe it when I opened the crate. Those stormtroopers or whoever is ordering knows what's good."
Kanan slid his hand carefully over the table toward where he heard Rex slide the cup. He took a sip and smiled. "I don't think I ever could afford this stuff."
"Ah, you were too young in the days of the Clone Wars then. This was General Kenobi's favorite."
"Hey, I was only fourteen." Kanan laughed thinking of the Jedi Master sipping this bubbling smoky liquid that burned just a little as it went down. "You know, that doesn't surprise me at all. He would like only the fine stuff. I could only afford the home-brewed moonshine most of my life. The cheap stuff that made you feel like your brain was being sucked through your nostrils."
Rex clicked his tongue. "Yuck. Drink up just to educate yourself in proper liquor."
Kanan took another sip tilting his head as he rolled his eyes toward Rex. Something in his gut told him not to get too drunk but something else told him what else did he have to lose? He drank more deeply.
"That's it. Cheers to making it this far!" Rex clinked his glass to Kanan's and they both drank deeply.
They proceeded to forget the rebellion and the base and everything that had happened. Kanan's meager concentration on the Force slipped and it simply supplied him whatever it liked. In the Force, Rex flooded him with mirth and positivity. Despite everything the clone had been there, he was a survivor. He moved forward and he wasn't treating Kanan like he was a bomb ready to explode. It was...refreshing.
Rex had Kanan holding his side in laughter as the clone told him of all the trouble Skywalker used to get them all into. Kanan in turn told him of some of the more ridiculous things he had done before he had met Hera. It felt good to laugh. He hadn't laughed in a long time and he wasn't spilling anything despite the fact he'd lost contact with the Force—no surprise—and was quite drunk. He thought maybe…maybe he would be okay. That he'd get through this.
"How long are you going to be around?" Kanan slurred a while later after he caught his breath when Rex finally finished a story of how Skywalker had thrown him from a cliff and he thought he was going to die.
"I'll be with you on your next mission," Rex explained as seriously as he could. "You're going to need my expertise or so I'm told. You know I like the jaig eyes on your mask. Sabine cornered me not to long ago to talk about why I have jaig eyes on my helmet."
"Jaig eyes?" Kanan asked completely confused. "What are you talking about?"
"You have white jaig eyes painted on your mask. It's fitting. You're a survivor, Kanan." Rex clinked his cup to Kanan's again.
Kanan sipped and then shakily set down his glass. He reached up and pulled off his mask running his fingers on both sides. Of course it didn't feel any different. Suddenly there was a heavy silence in the room. Rex hadn't seen Kanan's eyes since they had been free of the bandages.
. "So I have a question?" Rex slurred slightly.
Kanan shifted and angled his head toward Rex raising his eyebrows in question.
"How come you face me? Aren't blind people supposed to stare off into the distance vacantly?"
Kanan scoffed and remembered Zaluna giving him a hard time for not facing her when he was speaking to her. "I mean some people would think it's rude if I did that regardless of whether I could see or not. I mean I can hear where you are so I have some idea of how your body is angled in relation to mine…so I can face you and make expressions at you. Just I can't see your expressions or body language. The Force doesn't help much unless they're strong intentions…Plus, you know, it's a leftover from…before…"
There was a pause. Awkward for Kanan because he really had no idea of what Rex was thinking. Was he furrowing his brow in understanding? Or was he raising them slightly and pressing his lips together in pity. Whatever Rex was feeling, the Force didn't want him to know. So he waited with gathering stress.
"If I ever see Maul, I will pulverize him," Rex vowed drunkenly.
Kanan chuckled mirthlessly and replaced the mask. "I don't know if I deserve the eyes of the jaig."
"We all feel that way when we get something honorable but of course you do. Don't be an idiot." Rex drained his glass and slammed it on the table. "And that's the end of that bottle."
Kanan drained his as well. "The end?" How drunk was he? He was suddenly afraid to move and have the world start spinning. "What time is it?"
"Late. The sun went down a while ago."
Kanan groaned. He didn't have his com on him and Hera was probably having a fit. "I should probably head back to the Ghost." He stood up and immediately everything started to spin. His cane dropped and he stumbled out of his chair but managed not to fall.
"I can guide you, if you want. I wouldn't mind a walk to clear my head." Rex stretched and Kanan could hear his bones cracking with the movement. "Maybe we can find some food along the way. I've got nothing here."
"Sounds like you could use the movement," he chuckled trying to shove down the thoughts of being a burden and stay positive. Bending down he began searching for the retracted cane. But the movement put him off balance and he plopped to the ground. They both started laughing. Rex yanked on his arm and put his cane in his hand.
Kanan took his arm above the elbow. "You know, I might be able to help with finding food. I know Zeb has a habit of hoarding the good rations. You might be able to bribe him for a bottle?"
Rex paused. "I don't know if it's worth it?" He laughed. "I'll give him some of the other stuff I rescued from the empire. He dragged Kanan over to the crate and grabbed something. "All right. All set. Let's find that Lasat."
They staggered from Rex's quarters into the fresh air. The night wind was cool and rejuvenating on Kanan's face. It was refreshing after being inside Rex's warm cabin. He felt eyes on him.
"I can tell you're staring," he said. He checked and made sure his mask was in place.
"Sorry." Rex's emotions had sobered as they walked in the cool air. "Just thinking about the past."
"I try not to do that to be honest," Kanan said. He definitely didn't want to ruin his rare good mood with the past. "Especially now."
"Heh, not a bad motto." Rex chuckled. "We're getting close to the Ghost. Would Zeb be on the ship?"
Kanan stopped and turned all his focus to the Force. At first it was overwhelming like it had been becoming lately with everyone's emotions flooding him. But then he pinpointed the signature that was unmistakably Zeb. Most signatures didn't mean anything or differentiated themselves to him unless he got to know the person well enough to become familiar with its individual nuances. Besides the crew, he really couldn't pinpoint anyone else on base or know who they were if they approached him.
"Definitely on the ship." His stomach grumbled. "Let's do this."
They found Zeb in the main room eating waffles. Kanan could hear Rex's grin as they stumbled inside.
"Don't let Hera see you both like that," Zeb said chuckling. "She'll kick you off her ship."
"We have a proposition for you, Zeb," Rex said. His body shifted and Kanan assumed he was lifting the bottle to show Zeb. "This for some of those rations you've been hiding—"
"Kanan! You knew! I knew someone had been stealing them."
Kanan couldn't help but give a guilty smile. He leaned heavily on Rex as the world spun and hated how helpless he felt. "The universe is still full of surprises."
Zeb got up and walked over to inspect the bottle. He whistled. "This stuff is strong. Deal. Here." He moved through the room and opened the back cabinet pushing behind the bowls for the secret stash Kanan had found accidently when he was searching for a cup in the early days after Malachor. He couldn't read the wrappers but he had been hungry and at the time didn't care if what he ate killed him...turns out it was delicious and one of the better foods they kept around base.
"Whoa!" Rex exclaimed. "I knew those ones were missing!" Something was thrust into Kanan's hand. Rex pulled his arm from Kanan and went to sit with Zeb. Kanan swayed in the room without anything to ground him.
A bottle opened and Zeb inhaled. "Mind if I catch up to you both?"
"Be my guest," Rex said with his mouth full. "We have to start the mission soon and you know there won't be any fun happening when that starts."
Hazily, Kanan wondered what the mission could possibly be. He held his hand out and felt for the table to sit with the two of them and ate whatever was in his hand.
It was salty and sweet and had a magnificent crunch. Whatever it was.
Hera woke in the early hours of the morning before the sun had risen to find three beings passed out drunk at the table. She was not pleased of the situation and didn't want Ezra to get any ideas on what was acceptable in her ship. Because this was not acceptable at all.
However, she paused watching the three. Zeb cracked an eye rubbing his hand over his ears and shuddering. He looked at Rex and Kanan who didn't look like they were going to wake without some effort. There were ration wrappers everywhere.
"You are cleaning this up," she mouthed to the lasat.
He groaned silently and pointed to the other two. "It was their idea."
"Then make them help."
Zeb paused. "Even Kanan?" He looked like he hated the words that came out of his mouth even as he said them.
Hera took a long look at the Jedi, mask askew and on the table. The scar still looked painful and he twitched in his sleep as if in agreement with her thought. But he had known better than to drink in her ship. She couldn't give him a pass. Zaluna had told her not to give him any passes. "It'll only reinforce his thinking that he can't do anything. And he can. More so than me I think," she said over hologram one night early on in the days after Malachor.
"Especially Kanan," she said. "You're going to tell him and if he complains send him to me."
Zeb sighed and disentangled himself from the table. "Might as well sleep the rest of the night in my own bed," he grumbled and moved passed her. "You going to let them sleep there?"
She thought about it for a second then decided it was in her best interest to kick them both out. "No."
Carefully, she moved toward Rex and Kanan. "Hey, you two, you need to wake up. My day is already starting."
Rex groaned. "That was definitely the bad stuff."
Hera crossed her arms. "I thought Sato told you to get rid of it."
"Oh we got rid of it." Rex took a deep breath and pulled himself to his feet nudging Kanan who woke with a panicked start.
"Yeah, I was expecting that," Rex muttered as Hera stepped closer. Kanan jerked in their direction and blinked his sightless eyes a few times before a look crossed his face that was something between remembering, disbelief and overwhelming grief.
"Where am I?" he groaned feeling the table with furrowed eyebrows.
"In my ship in the main room," Hera explained hotly trying to remain in character and not run to his rescue. She couldn't. "And disrupting my plans for hot morning caf."
Kanan groaned and moved to stand on shaky legs. Hera watched as he slowly made his way across the room hands outstretched one palm down the other palm out. "Rex?" he called out.
"Still here, buddy," Rex said. "It was a hell of a night, eh?"
Kana gave a small smile. "Thanks, man. I needed that."
"No problem. I'll head back to my quarters I think." Rex nodded to Hera and made his way past her.
Kanan reached the wall and concentrated. Then he sighed. "I'm a little turned around I think."
Hera's shoulders slumped. "I'll lead you."
"No." Kanan turned and, trailing the wall, left the room in the correct direction of his quarters. It took him a long time and she saw him count the doors but then he disappeared.
She took a deep breath. He had been like that ever since he got back: determined not to let others lead him and yet not present. He was gone but in a different way than before. Before, he allowed others to help him but he would hardly speak even on the good days. Now…she didn't know what to call it. He was there. He was coping and yet he wasn't the Kanan she knew. Just a shadow going through the motions of living.
She took a sip of caf and scowled as the jet-fuel tasting liquid slid down her throat. Kanan always could make better caf than she could and she missed it even more so now.
Today was one of the bad days.
A day when his blindness felt thick in his life and the grief and loss it represented overwhelming everything he did.
Like cleaning the Ghost. He felt inadequate and kept getting lost and forgetting the areas he had already checked and/or cleaned. Finding those wrappers was a nightmare. He thought at first that Zeb was going to help but Hera had Rex and Zeb cleaning the outside of the ship while Kanan cleaned the inside.
Reaching out with the Force, he tried to determine the spots he had already cleaned but found that he sensed nothing but that there were things around him. Not helpful and it made his head hurt so that he was distracted enough to tip over the cleaner. Grumbling, he got down on all fours with a rag and began to clear in systematic circles like how Zaluna taught him and hoped for the best. Stupid unreliable Force. He didn't trust what it told him beyond what was immediately around him. It hadn't saved his sight or his master.
Something else he began to notice about not being able to see was that he seemed to be unaware of when he was doing something like how his head dips down when he's concentrating or he's slightly rocking or drumming his fingers. These things go unnoticed until someone says something or he suddenly realizes that someone could be watching. It was worse when he was waiting…but he found that his head was nearly touching his chest he was so focused on his hands and what was around him.
"Looks good."
He twitched out of his reverie and sat back on his shins. His cheeks burned in embarrassment as he came to terms with the fact that someone was watching. Why was someone always watching? He recognized the voice. Female. But he had been so distracted that he couldn't put a name to it. His ears began to burn with increasing shame and worthlessness.
The person—whoever she was—paused and seemed to figure out what was the proble, "It's Sabine and it looks good compared to what it was this morning," Sabine said and laughed nervously. "I'm impressed."
"So am I," he replied without feeling and tried to shove down the feelings of uselessness.
"We have the mission debrief this afternoon. Hera wanted me to remind you."
"Ah yes, General Hera." Kanan frowned. "I shouldn't be going. I'll be putting you all at risk."
Sabine was quiet for a moment. "Hera insists."
He sighed. After her harsh words this morning concerning cleaning, he wasn't about to cross her now. The last thing he wanted was to end up on garbage duty or something equally awful. "What time is it?"
"Anyway, before that the medical droid wants to see you. Hera told me that you should get cleared by him before she assigns you to the mission."
Oh great, Kanan thought. More fantastic news he was sure. He wasn't even sure where his mask was—? A thought popped in his head. "Sabine, did you paint jaig eyes on my mask?"
She gave a nervous laugh. "Uh…yeah that was me. It was so bland and blank…you know the jaig has the most powerful eyes in all the galaxy. In Mandalore, it is considered the most honorable and fearsome creature. There was a story my mother used to tell me when I was younger…" She stopped talking. "Never mind."
Despite the uncomfortable twist in Kanan's gut at being the center of attention again, he was curious. Jaig eyes were awarded and painted on the helmets of the clones who had done something heroic and honorable in the clone wars. Rex had a pair on his helmet. Kanan had never asked him about what he did…he didn't really want to know actually.
But Sabine didn't willingly talk about her childhood though he didn't like that it was because of his circumstance. He got up and extended his cane. Sabine didn't offer to lead him and he didn't ask though he really only had a rough idea of where the medical droid was located and no landmark to know when he actually found it…eventually he would have to ask.
As they exited the ship, he felt the openness of the air rather than the sun on his face. He must be in the shade of the giant fauna base was under but he still kept his eyes closed because they were still sensitive. "Are you going to tell me the story?" He kept track of her force signature to follow rather than keeping track of his location in his head. It wasn't the smartest move because if he lost Sabine, he was screwed.
"Oh, you want to know?" she asked and laughed nervously.
He nodded but wasn't sure if she was facing him. "Yes," he said.
"There was a story of how the bravest warriors would climb to the highest mountains to fight the jaig. But no one could take down the jaig and those who survived were given the highest honor…It wasn't about who could defeat it because if someone could defeat it then it wouldn't be honorable. It was about the battle. The jaig didn't kill for sport. It attacked to protect its family, which, as you know, is something very important to Mandalorians. Surviving the jaig meant that you understand that importance and would protect your family…" She trailed off and turned a corner. Kanan swept his cane in a larger arc finding no obstacles and followed her.
"Anyway, there was a clan leader who had a son with albinism—they didn't know what it was back then and it was considered a curse—and his mother died in childbirth," she continued after the silence of watching him turn. "So the nurse maid brought the child to the mountain and left it to die. The clan leader remarried but ne never had any children. His power waned. Other clans came in and began taking over his land and he couldn't protect the people who lived there. But what he didn't know was that his son had been adopted by the jaig and raised high in the mountain clouds. The son asked the jaig who the man was who couldn't protect his people and the jaig explained—because in the story the falcon could speak—that it was his father. The son was shocked and couldn't let his clan fall even if they hadn't been the ones who raised him. He rallied the jaigs to help him protect his people using their keen eyes to anticipate enemies far away. The son protected his clan and was reunited with his father to become one of the greatest leaders of early Mandalore."
She stopped walking and so did Kanan.
"You…" He couldn't believe she thought he was worthy of that and he was incredibly flattered. Trying to smile, he joked to lighten the mood. "You think that I'm like the greatest leader that ever ruled Mandalore."
She laughed and his smile softened and became genuine. It occurred to him he hadn't smiled much and it felt strange on his face. He wondered if she was smiling too.
"You? Of course not!" She joked and nudged him playfully making him laugh as well.
"Oh good, you had me worried that I needed to have your sanity checked," he joked back then arced his cane. "So where is this medical droid I need to see? Are we here? I don't have a landmark to know where it is…"
"Yeah, we're here. If you turn left and walk forward you'll find the side of the makeshift building. I don't know how you'll find it but I guess since I know you know where Rex lives, it's on the opposite side of those living spaces and it's like one of three buildings…actually you can find it because it's the one in the middle so no matter what direction you come from it's the second door," Sabine explained obviously thinking it out while she talked. He knew she had been there when Zaluna explained what Kanan needed to know about locations in order to understand them and how to locate them. Telling him the building was pink or that there was a sign on the door wasn't helpful. He needed to know things like doormats and distinctive plants outside doorways.
"Okay thanks. Is there a doormat?"
He heard her shift her body. Probably looking closer. "Yeah it's the only one with a doormat actually. I wonder why?"
Arcing his cane further as he turned left then sweeping it back and forth, he located the side of the building. Then he continued sweeping his cane searching for the doormat. That was easier then trailing the wall with his hand or trailing with his cane and lifting it to check if there was a lip in the threshold indication a door. Keeping close to the building, his cane snagged on something rough yet squishy like braided rubber. Taking a careful step further he brought his cane to the side of the building, located the lip of what he assumed was the door, brought the cane vertically against it and touched it. Metal. He slide his cane across what he assumed was the door but didn't find a knob…great. That meant it was button activated. Rolling his eyes behind his lids, he located the frame with his cane then began searching with his hand. The buttons tended to be on the left side of the frame so he searched there first and—found it!
The door swished open.
Easier then elevators. There was no organization to how those were constructed. No general way buttons were placed or organized. Even the type of buttons and panels were different in every single one. Elevators were a nightmare and it was just easier to have someone push buttons for him…the only consistent elevators he knew of were imperial. But if he was lucky, he would never be in one of those.
"Sabine?" he called out wondering if she had left or watched him.
There was a moment of silence and he was about to turn into the medical room when—"Yeah, Kanan, I'm still here."
He tapped his cane. "Thank you. I really appreciate you telling me all that and for giving me a pair of jaig eyes." And he meant it. Every word. Trying to look at her, he gave her a soft smile and was happy she could see his full face. Maybe he could still convey how much it meant to him "…and if you could find my mask—I think it's in my room—that would be amazing." He grinned and turned into the medical wing.
"Ah, Mr. Jarrus," the medical droid greeted. "It's been about a month and I wanted to check your physical status."
The headache he had forgot about while Sabine was telling her story returned.
The droid completed several tests and confirmed that his eyes were still non-functional. He still didn't quite understand what "corneal scarring," "cataracts" and all that meant to how they looked. He tried to tell himself it didn't matter. But he did. He didn't want to look bad. Zaluna told him that just because he was blind and that maybe he was told that blind people don't care about how they looked, doesn't mean that she didn't care or that he would grow to not care.
"Just how the way other things look may not mean as much to you," she explained. "Like when someone describes a place you may not care about the walls being yellow…but if it's your house then maybe you will. Because yellow walls are disgusting." She had laughed at her own joke. "But you know, everyone's different. That's just how I feel."
He also knew that sometimes she tried to pass as sighted like when she was buying clothes and didn't want to be bothered with explaining why she cared about looks to the store clerks when asking their opinions. He couldn't do that. He knew his eyes looked blind, however, they actually looked.
"Mr. Jarrus?" the droid repeated in a way that seemed irritated. "I asked you if you are still experiencing light sensitivity?"
He was lying back in the chair while the droid had given him drops so that he could attempt to look in his eyes and check Kanan's retinas and optic nerve. However, with the scarring—the droid had complained—it was difficult to really see anything. Kanan could relate.
"Yes," he said.
"Then I am warning you that I will be shining a light in your eyes to try and check the inside of your eyes."
There was a slight sting and he cringed but beyond that nothing else indicated the light. And the sting numbed after a few minutes.
"Please angle your eyes down and to the left." The medical droid tapped Kanan's lower left cheek and he looked toward it. "Now down and to the right." The droid tapped Kanan's lower right cheek. And that was how the test continued. Kanan complying without seeing anything and he was even more acutely aware of the lack of vision because of these stupid tests. Actually it made him nauseous trying to see and there being nothing. It was like trying to look out but being reverted back into his skull like a strange vertigo.
The check up was complete and the droid advised that he was fit and not in danger of infection, but that he should return if there was any changes especially in regards to his vision.
"Sabine Wren is waiting for you in the doorway," the droid explained and Kanan raised his eyebrows. Had she waited that whole time? The droid lead him to the exit.
"Hi Kanan," she greeted. "It's Sabine."
"I know. Did you wait the whole time?"
"Oh no. I found your mask." The object was brushed against his hand and he took it placing it on his face.
"Thanks."
"It's time for the debrief. What did the droid say?"
"I fit and healthy…minus the things that won't heal."
"Right…" Silence and it was awkward. Sabine shifted her weight. "Do you want me to guide you?"
"No...I'll just follow your footsteps and…and I can kind of sense you in the Force," he explained feeling nervous and pitiful again. The thought of a mission made him want to throw up and his head panged in pain.
Pressing his lips together and shoving down his inadequacies, he pulled his cane from his belt, extending it in one fluid motion. He followed Sabine's signature in the Force out of the Ghost across the base. Every step felt twice as long and seemingly took twice as much effort as normal. He was having trouble focusing on his surroundings and keeping track of where he was going. Perhaps he was hung-over and everything was still foggy. There wasn't enough concentration and motivation in body to even extend his senses to the ground where his cane touched like he had been practicing. Keeping the cane against the ground as he swept it back and forth he was aware of the roughness of the ground as it vibrated the metal shaft slightly. There were no obstacles on the path Sabine took. No buildings. Just open space. He tripped over his feet in his carelessness walking too fast to keep up with Sabine's signature.
Until she stopped and Kanan's cane tapped the edge of…something. The holoprojector most likely. He didn't feel like extending his senses or reaching out to touch it to confirm. It's not like he could see what was projected anyway.
Ezra was here. His presence was like a star pulsating with brilliance and life as the Force moved through him. Hera was here and so was Zeb along with Rex but their signatures, though he had learned to recognize them, didn't have the strength of sensation that Ezra's did. It was almost overwhelming and he thought about cutting himself off from the Force completely having grown used to the absence of feedback from the environment.
"Kanan, its Hera," Hera said. She had gotten into the habit of announcing who she was when he walked up in situations where she might not be expected to be. "Okay you're all here: Rex, Zeb, Ezra, Sabine and Sato."
Ah, that was the one he didn't recognize. Of course Sato was here.
"Yeah, we're all finally here," Ezra said impatiently. "Can we please have this briefing?"
"So as you all may know already," Hera began. "Imperial troops have been increasing especially around the temple in Jedha city—"
"Jedha city," Kanan interrupted. "Hera, I can't go there. It's like a death sentence."
"Kanan, we need you to go there. You and Ezra are the only Force sensitive humans that we know of. There are a lot of weird things that happen there as with any location with high kyber content. There are a lot of people in need of aid. There was a signal for help from the guardians of the whills. We just need to go in there, blend in, offer aid and get out. You and Ezra have the best chance at that," Hera explained but he wasn't convinced.
"There's nothing I can do. I have never been to Jedha. I'm of no help."
"Actually…" Hera took a deep breath. "The empire knows what a lot of us look like. You know, Ezra and you have…changed a lot over the past few months. The likelihood of them recognizing you without…knowing…is very low."
"It's still dangerous. I can't see."
"They're only letting refugees near the temple. People on pilgrimages and beggars to beg the troopers for credits. You would be going posed as—"
"A blind refugee or beggar?" Kanan couldn't believe what he was hearing. "I can't believe this."
Ezra's signature in the Force pulsed with emotion: anger, defensiveness, guilt.
"I don't want to ask this of you but we have no choice. We're spread thin at the moment." Hera's voice was trembling. "This is our mission. Please don't make Ezra go alone."
Kanan turned and faced the sky. "…I have a bad feeling about this."
"I know but this is our mission. They need us. We have to help. I've been putting this off as long as I could hoping that someone else would take it and that was irresponsible of me," Hera explained sternly. "I am going to drop you at a spaceport that will take you to Corusant and then you will take a refugee liner to Jedha City from there. We need to be extra careful."
And Kanan was going to get them killed. He couldn't do this. He wasn't ready and he didn't think he ever would be. His eyes were broken. There was nothing he could see or do like he could before. A coldness spread throughout his body. "Who's idea was this?"
"Ezra's," Hera answered. Her voice was from across the holotable. "He's taking the lead on this mission."
"I've been in contact with some people," Ezra said and there was an edge to his voice Kanan didn't like.
There was…something about Ezra lately that unnerved him. Kanan shivered dwelling on the subject and inadvertently extending his Force awareness toward Ezra in involuntary curiosity.
Gasping—it felt like a burning freezing sensation shocked him through the Force and he instantly stumbled back and shut it out. Somebody caught him and the sensation of the world spinning came over him. Large clawed hands on his shoulders: Zeb. Of course it was Zeb. Those hands were huge and clawed. And the smell.
"Kanan?" Sabine's voice asked worriedly.
It was too much. All over him and pressing him to agree and see Ezra's way. He was pretty sure it didn't used to feel like this but then again maybe he did. It's not like he was constantly trying to sense people around him before.
"Are you okay?" Zeb asked as Kanan straightened himself and pulled himself away from the Lasat.
"Yeah…just dizzy for a second." He swallowed and blinked rapidly trying to regain his composure. This is exactly why he shouldn't be doing missions.
"We need to do this, Kanan," Ezra continued undaunted. "Those people need us. You just have to do this one thing. Get us close to the temple and I'll take over. That's the plan and then you can go back to…whatever you're doing."
"Ezra!" Hera hissed.
Kanan gritted his teeth, anger spiking from nowhere and rose to the challenge regardless of what logic said. "It's fine. I'll go. But I think this is all a bad idea. You all have no idea. No idea what these places are like—were like for Jedi." He pulled himself away from Zeb and tapped his cane against the ground.
Hera continued to debrief the mission, talking about plans and roads all throughout the city. But Kanan couldn't focus. He had never been to Jedha when he was still a Jedi. But of course he had wanted to go. It was one of the first temples ever built by the Jedi. One of the first places, force-sensitive beings connected and used the kyber crystals. It was a one of the places you would tell the little younglings about to scare them. It was probably even more haunting now since the Jedi were hunted down and killed.
Nausea swirled inside his stomach just thinking about the death that surrounded Jedha. With that feeling brought back the sensation of when he—of when he—felt the betrayal of the clones and the instantaneous death of thousands of Jedi across the galaxy. It had stopped him in his tracks as he ran for his Master.
He couldn't hear the others around him. His grip on his cane tightened because it was the only thing keeping him in the present. The Force was coming in waves trying to pull him under the horror of that moment and visions of sand, trees, and contorted silhouettes flashed through his mind: a mingling of both past and future. He squeezed his eyes closed and will the blankness to return. The nothingness and feelings of emptiness only related to his sight loss.
And then it was gone like it never happened.
The Force was again pushed back like he had used to push it aside and buried it in his subconscious before he met Hera. He tried to hold his body very still so as to avoid any unwarranted rocking or head dropping. Rex was here talking about something or other of his days as captain. Exhaling, he tried to gather himself again. People began to walk away. He didn't want to be stared at trying to make his way back to the Ghost so he would wait until everyone had left. Turning around and pretending to…listen around…he waited.
"Kanan?" Hera asked and placed her hand on his arm. "You can do this. Maybe this is what you need."
"I need my sight back," he said lowly. "That's what I need."
Her warm fingers squeezed tighter for a moment then released. "The sun is setting."
He knew that. The temperature was dropping. The sun's heat was moving lower then dissipating on his body. "You know that I couldn't see the holograph of the city…Is there something important I need to know?"
"The temple was pressed up against one of the walls of the city. It might have been a mountain at one point but not anymore. And there are hidden cracks into the earth there everywhere. So be careful," she explained. There was silence. "Watch over Ezra. I'm worried about him."
Kanan turned to her but didn't say anything. Maybe his Force sense wasn't so off after all. He shuddered slightly remembering the feeling. "Can you lead me back? I'm tired." The headache he'd been experiencing gave a painful pulse and he thought he saw flashes of light even though that was impossible.
"Of course." Her hand brushed up against the back of his and he slid his hand up her arm and took her elbow and he followed her back a half step behind.
