Family Meetings: Chapter 3
by Creedog VanDrey
Category: Arrested Development
Genre: Humor
Rating: T
Language: English
Summary: Michael compromises his last moral, sort of. GOB meets one of his huge tiny mistakes.
Spoilers: 2X14 "The Immaculate Election" through Season 3.
A/N: We're finally getting to the first family meeting.
Courtship of Fools
This is the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. It's Arrested Development.
Michael is sleeping on his side; there is a woman's arm is wrapped around him. The arm belongs to Lindsay.
This is Michael Bluth. Michael Bluth, like he has every morning for the past week, has woken up to find his adoptive sister in bed with him.
The alarm clock switches on, starting the radio. The announcer mentions, "…was Bill Haley and the Comets with their 1974 hit, 'Rock Around the Clock', and coming up next…"
Michael turns off the clock radio and rolls over to wake his sister, "Lindsay, time for work."
Michael sits up in bed and throws his feet over the side of the bed, only to be pulled back, straddled, and told, "This is your last chance."
This was a position Michael had found himself in several times lately. Lindsay was threatening to sell her company stock if Michael refused to marry her.
"Michael, if you don't agree to marry me by midnight tonight, I am walking over to Dad Two's house and selling him the stock.
Lindsay was also in the process of being adopted by Stan Sitwell and had started referring to him as "Dad Two," George, Sr. being her "Dad One"
Michael, looking a mix of bored and unimpressed, stating, "I wouldn't recommend that. Stan Sitwell arrives at the office every morning at 6:00 AM. He's probably sleeping at midnight." He grabs Lindsay's arms and rolls her off him.
"Like it rough, don't you?" Lindsay flirts.
"And stop that. We both know you couldn't go through with it."
Michael was referring to Lindsay's habit lately of trying to seduce him. However, Lindsay, having been raised as Michael's twin sister, was subject to the Westermarck effect, where children living together in close proximity are desensitized to sexual attraction.
"And, Lindsay, your threats are futile. The Bluth Company is now a subsidiary of the publicly traded Sitwell Enterprises. Your stock will be worth a lot more if you wait a couple of years to sell it. And, frankly, Lindsay, my reasons for making you keep that stock is so that you could support yourself and Maeby. Now that you're gainfully employed, you have my permission to sell some of the stock and invest it elsewhere."
Having Michael's permission to sell, Lindsay now had a strange desire not to.
"Speaking of my paycheck, it's a lot smaller than Stan promised me. I ran the math."
Lindsay did not run the math. Instead, she passed it on to her daughter Maeby to do.
Maeby did not run the math either. Instead, she passed it on to her cousin George Michael to do.
"Lindsay, I know you've never received an honest paycheck, so let me explain some things. First, the state and federal government take about a third of your income for taxes. Also, since you were too lazy to set up your own direct deposit, I took the liberty of signing you up for insurance, retirement, and profit-sharing."
"It's not enough to live on!"
"Lindsay, it's about twice what most employees start out at. And you're not paying for a single necessity. Dad gave me this house and you live here rent free. I pay for all the utilities and food. You keep your entire paycheck to blow on clothes and whatever. It's a pretty sweet deal."
Lindsay realized it was a sweet deal and decided not to argue lest she make the deal less sweet.
Michael then admits, "But you're getting what you want anyway."
Surprised, Lindsay asks, "Wait. So you mean you're agreeing to marry me?"
Sighing regretfully, Michael explains, "Bob Loblaw called me yesterday. Apparently that silly clause that Mom put in the Bluth acquisition agreement that 'gave' you to Stan Sitwell was deemed legal." Michael finger-quotes the word gave. "It temporarily invalides your adoption until a custody hearing can been held."
"So we're not brother and sister anymore?" Lindsay concludes excitedly. She proceeds to leap into Michael's arms, knocking him back down into bed.
"Lindsay, calm down," Michael groans from beneath his once-sister, "All I did is schedule us to get a domestic civil union. It just creates a legal bond between us. It means you gain part ownership of the house; it protects your stock; and it also protects the custody of our children."
The last one would not come up.
Michael, still beneath Lindsay, points out, "Lindsay, we've got work. The civil union meeting is scheduled for eleven o'clock. Now that we're not related, we can take the carpool lane."
Lindsay leaps off Michael and races to the closet. When a pajama top hits him, he calls out, "Please don't dress in front of me."
The afternoon, Michael had the family over for lunch.
Michael, Lindsay, GOB, Tobias, Buster, Maeby, and George Michael are gathered around the table, eating deli-style sandwiches on a fully-set table, with silverware and goblets filled with iced tea and soft drinks.
"Michael and I got married," Lindsay announces the instant everyone is seated. She is wearing a lily white pant suit.
George Michael and Maeby choke on their sandwiches.
"Don't call it that," Michael pleads, "Lindsay and I got a domestic civil union. It's for purely legal reasons." Hoping to drop the conversation, he asks, "I'm going to get us some chips." He gets up from the table, where GOB follows him.
In his breathy angry voice, he harasses Michael, "Our own sister? Have you no shame?"
"One, because of our mother, she's not our sister anymore, and two, it's just a domestic civil union."
"You didn't even ask me to be your best man. Well, let's see how you like it when I hit on your wife."
"GOB, that doesn't even make any sense. And she's not my wife. And your face still hasn't healed from the last time you hit on her."
GOB touches the tender red marks on his face. "Well, I'm still going to have to insist on getting you're a stripper. Hey, I'll even have George Michael help me pick a good one out."
"GOB, no."
The lunch went much the way many of the Bluths' meals did. GOB set two cloth napkins on fire. Tobias made several disturbing psychological theories as to why Lindsay was so attracted to Michael.
"Frankly, my dear, it's a classic case of displacement. You left one sweetheart of a man and go to another."
Buster also had a few words to say about the marriage.
"Well, I, for one, do not approve. I mean, I already have a father figure in my life. This marriage—"
"Domestic civil union," Michael corrects.
"—blurs the line of the family. Anyway, I'm off to the jail to visit Mom. Does anyone want me to give her a kiss from them?"
It was a decently uneventful meal, which should have been the first sign that something was due to go amiss.
After lunch, Michael is collecting the dishes from the table, while in the kitchen, GOB is talking about the two strippers he will now be getting for Michael's bachelor party. The doorbell rings and Michael, thankful for to get away, answers it.
Standing in the doorway are GOB's ex-wife with an infant in a car seat and a taller brunette woman with glasses carrying a leather portfolio.
"I'm looking for Gobb?" Michael's former sister-in-law requests, mispronouncing his name.
"Kitchen," is all Michael can mutter, pointing through the foyer.
"Wish me luck," she requests from her friend, who gives her a European kiss on each cheek. As she passes Michael, she whispers as means of explanation, "She's Greek."
After a moment to recover, Michael introduces himself to admittedly pretty, 30-something woman in a business suit still standing patiently in the doorway.
"Hello, I'm Michael Bluth, GOB Bluth's younger brother."
The woman extends her hand, "I'm Sara Panayiotou. I'm GOB Bluth's ex-wife's lawyer."
"Lawyer?"
"Yes, as you may… as you probably guessed, we strongly be—we are fairly certain your brother GOB is the father of the child my client has brought with her. Should he claim that he's not the father, we're prepared to sue for paternity." She indicates the binder she's holding.
"Well, hopefully it won't come to that. Let's go see what the ex-happy couple is up to."
As Michael and Sara entered the kitchen, they found that the ex-happy couple was up to third base.
GOB is lying across the counter with his ex-wife on top of him. His shirt is open, his hand is up her skirt, and they are French-kissing in a truly disgusting manner. The baby is sitting in his seat on the island, facing the pair, contently sucking on a small stuffed seal.
In unison, Michael and Sara clear their throats.
The two look up and separate. She is the first to apologize, "I'm sorry. That was so inappropriate on my part." While buttoning her shirt, she walks over to the baby and twirls the baby seat away so that it's facing the stove. "Better?"
"Good thinking," GOB compliments, "I know I'd be traumatized if I ever saw that."
Michael asks, "GOB, can I see you in the den for a second?"
Sara also notes, "Yes, I also need to speak with my client for a moment, too."
Michael drags his brother into the den, where he tells him off, "What do you think you're doing?"
"C'mon, Michael, bleeping the nanny is like the ultimate fantasy."
"You've said the same this about the babysitter, the maid, the teacher, and the telemarketer. And that's not your kid's nanny. It's his mother."
GOB surveys the blond woman in the kitchen, who is similarly being rebuked by her lawyer, "Funny, I don't recognize her. Must have been a no-strings-attached one-night-stand."
"It's your ex-wife."
"I thought she was super-skinny."
"She just had a baby. And is in phenomenal shape for a recently-pregnant woman."
"Got those big cans, though," GOB notices appreciatively.
"It's called lac—Never mind. Listen, GOB, you see the other woman?"
"Nerd queen?"
Michael glares at his brother for the slight, but presses on, "That's her lawyer. She's here to sue you if you contest paternity. And she seems very competent. You understand?"
"Yeah, I understand. You like her."
"No, GOB, that's not my point. Listen, we're gonna go in there and we're gonna make sure that your son, okay?"
GOB answers dismissively, "I got this, Michael. Let's let the one of us with charisma handle this." GOB marches into the kitchen and declares vehemently, "I contest patriarchy!"
Sara celebrates with a fist pump and pulls out a stack of papers. "Sweet deal! I'll see you in court." She turns to her client and whispers, "Sorry, lifelong dream to say that."
Michael races into the room. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just a second. I think what my brother means to say is that we'd like a little bit more evidence besides your word that that child is really his son."
Sara grumbles for a moment, but acquiesces, "Okay, I kind of had this whole presentation prepared for the hearing, but I might as well present it here." She pulls out a birth certificate, "The child was born on December 4 of last year, one day short of 266 days after the dissolution of marriage of Party A, you," she indicates to GOB, "and you," she indicates to her client, "on March 14 of last year. 266 days, 38 weeks, or nine months." She pulls out another form, "This is a signed document claiming that my client did not engage in any sexual relations for at least a month before and after the aforementioned date of dissolution of marriage." She notices her client looking around sheepishly, so she amends dryly, "At least any kind that would result in pregnancy. I did petition for a DNA test, but that could take anywhere from thirteen to twenty-four weeks. We also have this computer-generated photograph predicting what the sixth-month-old male offspring of the two parties would look like."
She hands Michael the photograph of a baby, which has a note at the bottom, "Photo courtesy of 'Mommy What Will I Look Like' Photo Simulation Service; Re-Possessed by Greater Los Angeles Area (GLAA) District Municipal Government".
"It looks like a baby," Michael comments, unimpressed, before thoughtfully tilting the photo.
"Whoa," GOB giggles as he stands with his ex-wife admiring the child, "Mikey, you gotta check out the snout on this pup."
Michael heads over to take a look at his potential nephew. After a moment, he turned to Sara, returns the photo, and states assuredly, "Yeah, that's the Bluth nose. Consider us convinced until the DNA test goes through."
"Oh course it's my kid, Michael," GOB remarks, "I'm a man. I'm very voyeur."
"Really?" GOB's ex-wife asks, "'Cause I'm kind of okay with that."
"Well, that was rather easy," Sara notes, packing up her portfolio.
"Listen," Michael says warmly to his former sister-in-law, "we have a little traditional to introduce illegitimate children to the family. We have a family meeting. We'd love for you to join us. Are you free around six-thirty tomorrow?"
"She is," Sara answers for her client, "There is precedence for this kind of situation?"
There was.
November 2005:
The entire Bluth family is gathered in the model house's living room. Lucille is there, though George, Sr. is teleconferencing through his surrogate, Larry Mittleman. Michael stands before them with Steve Holt.
"Everyone, this Steve Holt. He goes to school with George Michael and Maeby. He's made a number of deliveries here over the years. And… he's GOB's son."
The family doesn't look the least bit surprised. Maeby, however, looks thoroughly embarrassed, exchanging glances with George Michael and giving his hand a tight squeeze before burying her fists in her lap. Lindsay also averts her eyes guiltily.
Lucille, a martini in one hand, dryly comments, "What happened? One of GOB's high school floozies fall through the cracks at Planned Parenthood?"
Michael tells Steve, "That would be your grandmother. Your cousins call her Gangy. Feel free to spend absolutely no time with her."
Lucille shoots Michael a challenging look, which Michael meets. Lucille shrugs casually and returns to sipping her martini.
"And that is your grandfather." He points to Larry, and adds, "Not the actual gentleman standing behind the couch. He's on the other end of the camera. We'll have to take you to the penthouse. He's under house arrest." He pauses for half a second then decides, "Or maybe we'll just get you a picture."
He moves on to his son and niece, "I'm sure you know George Michael and Maeby from school."
"George Michael!" Steve cheers with raised fists.
"Steve Holt," George Michael replies with little enthusiasm and half-raised fists.
"Maeby!" Steve cheers again with raised fists.
"Steve Holt," Maeby replies with little enthusiasm and half-raised fists.
Michael clears his throat and points to his sister, "That is your Aunt Lindsay; Maeby's mother."
"Mother?"
Maeby's eyes shoot open, before insisting, "Yes, mother." She makes a scissor-snipping gesture.
Steve's eyes light up in understanding, "Congratulations," he tells her.
"Thank you," Lindsay replies, neither knowing nor caring why she's just been applauded.
Maeby had once told Steve Holt that her mother was actually her transsexual father. She was hoping that Steve would get the impression that Lindsay had… well, you know.
Michael then pointed to Tobias, who was sitting on the other couch, "That is your Uncle Tobias. Maeby's father."
"Yeah, he directed a play I was in once." Another realization hits him, "Oh, I get it now. They're married. But only in California," he concludes.
"Married is right," Lindsay answers, using finger-quotes with the word married.
"Okay," Michael answers, not following. "And you've met your other uncle, Buster."
"Uncle Buster!"
Buster waves his hook and right hand, cheering, "Nephew Steve!" George Michael and Maeby practically slide off the couch to avoid his waving arms.
"Holy bleep," Steve curses, "I forgot about the hook. What happened?"
"A seal bit it off," Buster explained airily.
"Like the animal seal? The sea lion of the ocean?"
"We're just gonna go with 'yes'," Michael comments, patting his nephew on the back. He then claps his hands together, "Anyway, we've got a new addition to the family. Let's all make him feel welcome."
Steve hugs GOB and sits down on the ottoman to chat with some of his new family members.
Michael grabs his brother, "GOB, do me a favor, next time you give me another nephew, could you at least marry the woman?"
Technically, GOB would fulfill that request.
Present Day:
Michael says to Sara, "Yes, there is precedence."
On the next episode of Arrested Development…
Lindsay negotiates for their honeymoon destination…
"Puerto Vallarta. They have this great three-week honeymoon special." She hands Michael a brochure, "And Cabo is on the way. We can stop by and see Dad and tell him the good news."
Michael hands her back the brochure, "Long weekend in San Diego. Four-star hotel. Separate beds."
"Deal, but it better have one hell of a spa. And a Jacuzzi bath," she adds dreamily, pointing out, "I am leaving my honeymoon satisfied this time."
Michael pushes away his bowl of oatmeal, "Just for telling me that, I'm making you visit this butterfly garden I've always wanted to go to. It's run by Buddhist monks."
…and George, Sr. is asked to reevaluate his recent religious conversion.
Zen Meditation Center and Butterfly Gardens, San Diego, California:
George, Sr. is wearing Buddhist Bhikkhu robes and pacing through the butterfly gardens when a praying mantis lands on his arm, which he smashes. "Third bleeping one today," he mutters.
An unhappy fellow monk comes by and takes him by the arm, "Oh, hey, glad someone's finally breaking their vow of silence. Listen, you guys have any other colors for these robes? It's just orange reminds me of a bad time in my life…"
A/N: One casting note I want to highlight: Sara, Wife of GOB's lawyer, would be played by Tina Fey. It's very important for the character.
Jason Bateman … Michael Bluth
Portia de Rossi … Lindsay Bluth
Will Arnett … GOB Bluth
Michael Cera … George Michael Bluth
Alia Shawkat … Maeby Fünke
Tony Hale … Buster Bluth
David Cross … Tobias Fünke
With Jeffrey Tambor … George Bluth, Sr.
And Jessica Walter … Lucille Bluth
Special Guest Star
Amy Poehler … Wife of GOB
Tina Fey … Sara Panayiotou
Guest Starring
Justin Grant Wade … Steve Holt
