Levi

I stared in horror at the man sitting beside me in women's clothing. Sika- Eren- reached up and pulled the scarf off her-his- head. There was a net covering his head and attached to that was a long brown braid. She- He- pulled the net away to reveal chocolaty brown hair that fell into points over her- his goddammit! - tanned forehead. Eren looked at me with those eyes that were so beautiful to me. They were still beautiful... Weren't they?

"I'm... I'm so sorry I had to lie to you, Levi," Eren choked out, his voice deep and airy. "I... I wanted... I needed to keep dancing. But I couldn't let people find out... Courtesans aren't male, they have to be female. And I can't... I'm so sorry, Levi."

A voice sounded, and it took me a moment to realize it was mine. "It's 'Your Highness' or 'Prince Levi' to you." I sounded cold and removed and uncaring. Back to my old self.

Eren looked up at me, despair in his face, but yet, not surprise. "I'm so sorry, Prince Levi."

I stood, hatred and heartbreak racing through me like wildfire. I moved to walked away, but felt a long fingered grasp on my wrist.

"Don't tell anyone about me, please!" Eren pleaded from behind me.

Disgust flooded my veins. I wrenched my arm free and backhanded him.

Eren tumbled to the ground, the smack of flesh on flesh echoing around the small area. The boy looked up at me, shock and anger shimmering in his large eyes.

"Don't you dare touch me, courtesan," I spat, voice brimming with malice.

"Please," he sobbed, a red mark blooming on his tanned cheek.

I inspected my hand for any dirt or filth as I replied, "I won't, but expect no other favors from me, scum." My inspection didn't matter; I still felt dirty. I glared down at the young man sprawled on the ground with disdain. "Goodbye, Sikari," I hissed, then stormed away.

I knocked past servants on my way to get to the stables. I had to ride, get away, before I did something stupid like cry. I heard Petra running after me, and she caught my arm.

"Your Highness, what happened?" she gasped. She had obviously been running.

"Nothing," I hissed. "Now let go, Petra."

She released me with a hurt expression on her face, and I stepped into the stables, finding my horse. Strong and tall, the black horse eyed me with one liquid white eye as I saddled him. I swung myself onto the horse with ease despite my height. I rode the horse out, and kicked him into a full gallop, riding away, far away from everyone.

I reached a small grove far away, rage building in my heart at the person I thought I had loved. Why? How did I even fall? How stupid was I to fall? I fell... No, that's the wrong word. I lusted after someone horrible. I thought, I deluded myself into thinking it was love but it's nowhere near. I wanted him to be mine. I wanted, wanted. How dirty a person must I be to stoop that low as to lust after a courtesan? And then, the worst blow to my pride, the fact that I was tricked. Deceived into perceiving Eren as a girl when I had wondered why the face was covered and why there was little to no figure beneath the cotton cloth.

I halted the horse sharply and turned it to face towards the castle. I felt anger building in my system and I knew I could let it out now, or seethe and let the secret out that I had... I had disobeyed and lusted for a courtesan. I clenched my fist and gritted my teeth against the feeling bubbling in my chest. It worked its way up and forced its way past my teeth into the air as a shout that grew to a yell of anger and rage. I screamed, tossing my head back and letting the sound erupt from my throat. I heard birds caw angrily at the disturbance, but I could not have given two literal shits. The sound died in my throat, and as I shut my mouth, a sob ground its way out. I bowed my head, cursing myself at the tears that slid from my eyes.

So this is what heartbreak felt like. And it was because I was filthy enough to touch a courtesan. And a male! Eren, how dirty, I had possessed feelings for a man! I yelled in frustration.

When I went back inside, my father caught me coming in.

"Levi, good, oh god, where were you?" he said, looking at my disheveled state.

"Riding," I ground out.

"Well, change, you look disgusting. We have more guests coming tonight. Do you have any idea where Sikari might be?" he said absently.

"I don't know," I shoved past an aching heart. I bowed and left to go take a bath.

I let the maids fill up the bath and slid in, leaving my clothes nicely folded on the chest of drawers. I sighed as the water's warmth seeped into me. Exhaustion washed over me, and I sank into the water, deciding to take a little nap.

I ran as fast as I could to the gallows. I couldn't let them get hurt. I burst into the clearing and saw Eren, green eyes locking onto mine. That beautiful green, paired with that tanned skin and that smooth brown hair made my heart leap. Eren looked at me, saddened.
"I know why you did it, and I can't blame you." His clear voice rang out to me like a bell as a guard slapped him, drawing blood from his mouth, the chastisement for speaking to me.
I watched in horror as they slipped the noose around his neck and tightened it. The guard reached for the lever...

I burst from the water with a loud gasp. I looked wildly around to see I was still in the bath, though the water had gone cold and gray.

"Tch," I snarled, and climbed out, wrapping a towel around me as I dried off. I shivered at the dream and cursed myself. Lust, that was all I had felt. Now, I couldn't even look at him without remembering my shameful pursuit of him.

I dressed and emerged to a very irritated Petra.

"What the hell happened, Levi?" she demanded. We were alone, and since she was my closest friend, only she could address me like this.

"It didn't work out. It was just lust, Petra," I shrugged, feeling the disgust and ache in my heart.

Petra scoffed. "Levi, you are so dense."

I looked at Petra, eyes wide with incredulity.

"You don't lust, Levi. You're not that petty. I know you, and when you feel things, they're real. Don't dismiss this as lust, even if you saw parts of Sikari that you never want to see again," she snapped.

I waved my hand, "I made a mistake this time, Petra. It's just lust." Even as I said it, I felt a pinch in my heart.

Petra rolled her eyes and stormed out, leaving me to sit on the bed and turn over in my mind what she had said. What I felt was real? I had no capacity for petty emotions? I stared at the ground. I remember hating a man who came to our court. Nile Dok was his name. I hated him at first glance, and I told Father he didn't act like a guest. Father had waved aside my concerns until a guard caught Dok stealing from the treasury. Father was able to recover all the stolen wealth, and praised my intuition. He promised to acknowledge my feelings about people more often. As good a ruler as he was, he didn't follow through. I rubbed the back of my head. What was Petra trying to say? I actually loved that peasant? Tch.

A knock sounded on my door, and a very sour looking Petra poked her head in.

"It's time to go to the welcoming," she snipped.

I stood and sighed, following Petra to the throne room. I settled into my seat, glancing around the room and giving small smiles to the various guests. Father stood and clapped his hands to quiet everyone.

"A performance from our prized courtesan, Sikari," my father announced.

I felt a chill settle on my shoulders as Eren took a seat in the middle of the floor, angarakha spread, face covered again. Eren looked up as a saddened tune erupted from the singer's throat, matching his eyes exactly.

Eren glanced at me once the entire performance, for which I was grateful. I'd lust again after him... What? I'd lust after a male? Impossible... But when Eren glanced at me, eye to eye, for that second, I felt my heart yank painfully. I cursed myself. It was shameful enough that I'd lusted after a courtesan, but it was worse that the courtesan was male.

I retreated back to my room after the performance, not wanting to stick around where Eren was. I lay in bed and felt angry tears slide down my cheeks. I wanted to say I lusted after Eren. That would be the most logical and cleanest way to acknowledge it. But every time I caught a glance of brown hair, every time I smelled incense or metal, every time I saw emeralds, I could feel my heart clench. Love or Lust? Love or Lust? Love for a man? Or lust for an image?

PM with questions! And please review