Update 4- Things We Don't Mean

It is one thing to hope for something, to want something so badly that it actually hurts down to the bone. But it is something else entirely, when that one thing you hoped for more than ever, that one thing that you knew was absolutely impossible to have, suddenly becomes a reality.

It's indescribable.

Shocking.

Heartbreaking.

Two weeks ago, this very thing happened to Temperance Brennan. Her irrational, selfish, unreasonable hope was suddenly her reality. Her best friend, her partner, her confidant, the father of her child, the one person that she hoped, against her better judgment and rational intelligence, to see again, had somehow come back from the dead.

At first glance, given none of the facts, one would think that she would be joyful, celebratory, whole again. One would think she would be happy, complete, and thankful that she was given this second chance to be close to the one person that understood her beyond a shadow of a doubt. However, another reality had settled in, and in this reality, she was more lost, confused, and grief stricken than she had ever been.

She had taken all of her grief, all of her sadness, all of the knowledge that he wouldn't be back, couldn't come back and packaged it neatly in a pile in the corner of her heart. She used the knowledge of his death to empower herself to emote, to feel, to love, and to care for the one person who was the only true connection to the man she secretly loved. Her life had purpose, meaning, and though she was constantly dealing with the loss of him, she never expected him to step back into her life, and the surprise that he was alive, was only the tip of why she had no idea on how to deal with his return.

There were so many questions, so many unanswered questions that needed to be asked, though she found herself constantly silent in his hospital room, refusing to conjure the strength to ask them. He was alive, he was breathing, he called her 'Bones', and while all of those things were exactly what she had prayed for every night that he had been gone, it still crushed her heart to know that he had been alive all of these years, hiding in the shadows, while she had been dealing with the loss of him.

He was alive, and the burning questions were smoldering in her heart, igniting a deep seated rage and disappointment, betrayal, and resentment. She needed to get answers to these questions soon, for herself, for Antonia. She needed to find the truth within the jumble of lies and secrets, the only problem was that she had no idea on where to start, using her father's arms as the first step in this process, she decided that forgiveness would be the easiest cross to bear.

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Max took a step back, noting the tears that his daughter whisked away on her hand as she stood holding her daughter tightly in her arms, the little girl rested her head on her mother's shoulder without a word or expression, without notice. "Ant?" He said softly, watching Temperance lift her slightly so that Max could get a better look at her. He had visited the hospital several times, had even stopped in to see Booth while Booth was sleeping, when Temperance was sitting by his bedside, holding his hand, whispering desperately for him to awaken. He had seen the fear in her eyes, he had seen the love in her expression, and he knew that no matter what she said, or how angry she became with him, she was not going to give up on him.

"She won't talk to me." Temperance whispered. "She said something to… to Booth, but he wouldn't tell me what she said… and I couldn't… look at… him staring back at me with those eyes, her eyes...his eyes. I can't… do this, Dad." She whispered, staring intently at her father, her eyes wide with a torturous fear.

"Tempe, it's okay." He said softly, his hand on her shoulder in a comforting manner, he tipped his head and gave her a supportive smile. "It's going to take time, Tempe… that's all we can do, is wait… and try to heal." He whispered.

"I can't…" She said, stepping through the apartment quickly, pulling from her father's supportive hand, she walked toward the couch. She lifted her daughter to the soft cushions, and without a fight, the little girl sat down and stared off into space. "See? That's what she does… all day, she just sits there and stares off into nothing, like she's waiting for something, like… like there's something that's missing."

"There is something missing." He said from behind the couch, Temperance's eyes meeting his, wide with surprise. "She doesn't know what is safe anymore. She has some… physical issues, that remind her constantly of the situation, and I'm sure that there is mental trauma. You don't know what happened to her in that warehouse, Tempe. You don't know how she felt, or what she saw… only she saw it, and that's what's going through her mind now. She's trying to protect herself. Have you asked Booth what happened?"

"He won't talk about it." She said, watching her father carefully as he tipped his head.

"Have you actually asked him about it, Tempe?" He whispered.

"No." She swallowed hard and watched him carefully. "He won't give a police statement yet. I don't think he trusts them."

"I don't blame him." Max said, watching Temperance's eyes widen slightly. "He's been tossed around like garbage, Tempe. He isn't strong enough yet to focus on the consequences of his actions. They have him chained to the bed like a criminal… like a fugitive."

"He is… was a fugitive." Temperance said, turning her face from her father's gaze before he watched her eyes deceive her stoic position. "He ran away from his government appointed position, Dad! He took their money, and he disappeared off the grid! He revealed confidential secrets that put other people in danger. He's being punished for that, for those things he did."

"He was forced off the grid, Tempe. He was trying to protect you, trying to protect his family."

"Trying to protect us?" Temperance huffed angrily in her father's direction. "We aren't his family, he has no reason to protect us! It was his supposed protection that got Antonia taken from us in the first place! If he wanted to protect us, he'd leave us alone, and never come back again!" She exclaimed angrily, turning from her father and her daughter, she started to walk away, when she felt Max's hand on her arm, she turned to face him, expecting his eyes to be filled with sympathy, and instead, she saw the disappointment in his eyes.

"Tempe, stop right now." He said, his hand firm on her arm. She could turn and storm off if she wanted, but she glanced to her side, and immediately noticed that Antonia was watching her every move, something she hadn't done in days. She held her daughter's gaze. "You're saying these things because you're hurt… you're angry, and you're hurt."

"I mean them." She whispered angrily, letting her eyes clash with her father's, her teeth grinding together in a growl, her eyes flashing fire.

"You don't mean them, Tempe." Max said definitively.

"I hate him." She whispered, meaning for the words to be forceful, but hearing them only as a whimper. "I hate him."

"You don't hate him, Tempe." He whispered. "You want to hate him, but you don't. You haven't let him tell you his side of the story."

"I can't talk to him." She said desperately. "I can't… I can't talk to him."

"I am sure that he understands." Max replied, slowly releasing his hold on her arm as she watched him warily.

"I can't talk to him, but…there is so much I need to know. I need to know how he… why? I need to hear it from him, but I can't even look at him without feeling sick to my stomach." She whispered, her eyes flicking to her daughter as she listened intently and silently.

"Tempe." Max whispered. "The last thing that Booth wanted to do was betray your trust." He cleared his throat, speaking solemnly. "He sacrificed his freedom and his safety to watch over you. He deserves to be heard, and I don't think that it will be a problem if you organize your thoughts first. I don't think it will be a problem, if you take the time to accept the fact that he is alive. But before you run off to some foreign country, and drag Antonia along… to escape… you have to realize two very important things. The first thing is… that you can't leave him hanging. You have to tell him something, even if it is that you need time and space. Tell him yourself that you need to organize your thoughts, and that you need to find a place for him in your heart… that you need to think. The second thing, is that you are not the only one involved in this anymore. When he left, you were… but there is something much bigger at stake here now." Max said with a slight nod toward the little girl.

"I need to lie down." She said tiredly, her head shaking softly.

"Go on into the spare bedroom." Max nodded. "I'll watch after Antonia."

"Thank you, Dad." Temperance whispered, turning toward the bedroom again, she turned after a moment, getting her father's attention. "And Dad…" She swallowed hard as she spoke the next words. "There's already a place for him in my heart, a big place… it's been empty since he died. I just don't know if I can get to it, with all of these other things in my way." She whispered while she turned around, and walked into the bedroom, closing the door quietly behind herself.

Booth resisted the hug that his friend was giving him, his only free hand remained on the toy that Antonia had left in the room. He didn't know what to say, or what to do, but when Cam straightened and pulled from the hug, she looked him in the eyes and smiled at him. Her eyes were filled with tears, and her lower lip had slipped between her teeth as she chewed upon it. "I can't believe it." She whispered, shaking her head. "I mean, I can believe it… I want to believe it, I believe it… but I just… I can't believe it." Cam babbled as she shook her head and grasped his hand between hers. "How?" She asked. "Why?"

"I…" Booth paused, closing his eyes tightly, he let some of the tears slip down his cheeks slowly. "I wish I could tell you why, or how." He said softly.

"I would have come to see you sooner." Cam nodded, standing over his bed, she gripped his hand for a moment. "I mean, I came in here… when you were sleeping a couple of times right after surgery, but now that you're awake, you know? I thought I'd give Doctor Brennan some time, she took your death so… I mean… I just… I can't believe you're sitting here in front of me." She said, covering her mouth with her hand, she held in the sob she wanted to release as she watched him and shook her head in disbelief. "You're right here…right here with me." She whispered.

"Camille, please don't…" Booth said, his eyes pleading as the tears ran down his cheeks. She stepped forward and touched his face.

"I just can't believe you're… I mean… when we heard that you were alive, I swear that Angela was ready to come right here immediately and kill you herself. Doctor Brennan has been an absolute wreck since your death, she just… shut herself off completely to everyone, and you know, she has her daughter… she… she has opened her up a lot, but… there are just so many questions, so many things that we just don't understand, or…"

"Cam… stop…" He groaned, watching her eyes widen as he tried not to look so horribly tired and broken. "Just, please stop for a second, take a breath." He muttered.

"What happened, Seeley?" She whispered.

"I don't know where to start." He whispered. "I wish I knew where to start… but I don't."

"It's alright, Seeley… it'll all come out in time." She said, running her fingers over his forehead as she watched his eyes closely.

"Bones." He whispered. "I need you to check on Bones."

"Doctor Brennan? Did something happen? Antonia was released this morning, right?"

"She hates me." He said, half choking on the sob released from his lungs. "She hates me so much."

"Seeley." Cam said, her voice becoming very serious as she watched the tears roll down his cheeks. "Seeley, she doesn't hate you. She's just… in a very strange place now, and she doesn't know what to think, what to do. She…"

"She isn't going to let me see her."

"Her?"

"Antonia, Cam. She's not going to let me see her again." He whispered, taking a deep breath to suppress the sob in his lungs.

"I don't understand." Cam said, obviously trying to pretend that she was unaware of the connection of the little girl to her former lover. She watched Booth tip his head and give her a look of disbelief.

"Don't pretend you don't know, Cam. You are a very, very bad liar." He said, closing his eyes at a sharp pain in his side.

"My assumption has never been confirmed, Booth. It's not as if she talks about it with me, with anyone. I don't even think she's told Angela. It's the elephant in the room, for sure."

"I know what Bones did, Camille, we all know, it isn't a secret, and you know that." He said, trying to calm himself, the pain of his injuries sending sparks of pain through his body. You've read the report, you've talked to Ace. You know what has been going on." He said, almost sternly, watching his friend nod her head. He then took a deep breath suddenly, watching her closely. "Speaking of elephants." He whispered softly, pulling the small elephant from beside him, he held it up. "I need someone… to bring this to Antonia." He whispered. "She forgot it here, this morning. I don't want her to miss him."

"Deuce." Cam whispered as she lifted the toy from Booth's grasp, watching him nod tenderly, his eyes not leaving the toy as she took his hand. "I can bring him to Doctor Brennan." She whispered.

"Thank you, Cam." He whispered. "Here… this one too." He said, handing the other elephant off to Cam, who smiled at the new companion, and tilted her head questioningly. "I don't know where he came from." He shrugged. "But they make a good pair, huh?" He said, attempting a slight smile, that made Cam's smile widen slightly.

"I should probably get these to her soon…" She nodded. "I just had to come in and check on you. I needed to see you for myself."

"Well, I'm not going anywhere…" He said, moving his other hand, clanging the handcuffs against the railing. "Not for a while, anyway." He gave her a wry smile as she squeezed his hand one more time. "Thank you, Cam." He whispered.

"For what?" She asked, standing up straight, she gathered the two toys in her hands and watched Booth avoid eye contact for a second.

"Thank you for not hating me." He said, allowing his eyes to clash with hers, she simply smiled.

"You're going to have to do a hell of a lot more than coming back from the dead to get me to hate you, Seeley. I was madder at you for dying." She whispered, leaning down to kiss his forehead softly. "We're going to do our best to get you out of here." She said, taking a step back toward the door, as she began to leave.

"Thank you, Camille." He said softly after her, though the door was already closed, and he was once again left alone with his thoughts.