Disclaimer: Would I be in college if I owned these books? Uh, no.

Chapter 4

I stayed up for the rest of the night.

It's not like I wanted to; really, I would have given anything for some sleep. But the bitterness of the pill lingered on my tongue and the plastic packaging hidden in my sweatshirt pocket crinkled degradingly and bloodied drops hid behind my eyelids every time I blinked and Chris's heartbeat reminded me of the one that I had lost. So I ended up watching the ceiling, angry that all the brute strength and weaponry knowledge were useless in the situation, that there wasn't just some monster that I could kill.

Haven't you done enough killing?

When morning rolled around, sunlight oozing through the blinds, Chris slowly awakened; I could tell, just from the slight movement of his body. I snapped my eyes shut, kept them closed despite the onslaught of red.

"Clarisse?" he barely whispered.

When I gave no response, he carefully eased himself away from me, providing a pillow in place of his chest. He kissed my forehead. "See you later," he promised.

Only when I was convinced he had gone did I sit up, head so heavy I had to rest it on my hand. After a moment, I took out the box of birth control and stared at it.

No chance of a miscarriage.

No chance of a baby.

So much for having a family.

Suddenly furious, I threw it across the room and took some sick satisfaction from the way it crashed against the wall.

"Tough morning, I presume."

My head snapped toward the voice. Mr. D was standing in the doorway, watching me with a neutral expression on his face.

"Mr. D," I said stupidly, heat burning across my cheeks. "I, I didn't know you were here."

"I could have guessed that much." He glanced between the box and me before tilting his head and quietly saying, "The last few days have been difficult for you."

It should have been a question, but he phrased it like a statement.

With a shrug, I returned, "I can handle it."

"This is not something you simply handle, Clarisse. It is far bigger than that."

"Not for me."

"Really? From the prayer you sent two nights ago, I wouldn't have gotten that."

I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. "How...?"

A dismissive wave of his hand. "I am a god, you know. Which means I'm just as capable of receiving prayers as any of the others. Especially ones without addresses. You see, for all of Olympus's flaws, it has a fully-functioning delivery system when it comes to prayers. If a god or goddess is requested, they'll get the plea. Whether they answer it or not is a completely different story. Anyway, without a specified recipient, prayers are funneled to the closest god in the proximity. And in your case, that was me."

"So you heard everything I said?"

"Every last word. And, judging from your look of horror and mortification, I was probably right on my first instinct of not addressing you on the matter. However, after your little...adventure last night, I figured staying quiet was not ideal, either."

"You saw me?"

"You're not the only one who can get insomnia, you know. And as much as I hate this infernal place, the fresh air is quite relaxing. Though I doubt you could tell that from the way you were sprinting."

I just gnawed on my lower lip and glared at the floor.

"Well, I can see you're in no mood to talk, and that is just fine with me, because I just need you to listen. Your miscarriage was not a punishment. It was not a vindictive act from the heavens. Whatever you did that you think earned you this tragedy was not worth this. Not keeping your cabin out of the war, not being the bully, not talking about your students. You are a daughter of Ares; so much is expected of you, like children of Athena are know-it-alls and the children of Apollo might as well being living in a musical and the children of Hermes do ridiculously annoying and stupid things. You are no worse than any of your siblings or anyone at this camp. You are not perfect, but your flaws were not the reason for your miscarriage. This may not be any consolation, but there was no reason, divine or otherwise. It simply happened. And for that, I am sorry."

Maybe I nodded; maybe I stood there like stone, feeling just as cold and lifeless. Mr. D was trying to help, and I appreciated that more than he probably could ever realize. Despite everything he said, he did care about this camp and about us; there's no other explanation for him healing Chris, especially right after the death of his son.

But...hearing him talk like that, sympathetic and concerned, it hurt. Because it reminded me of that day he restored Chris's mind, but I knew that this time, there would be no magical solution.

"Did I ever tell you that you remind me of my wife?"

I blinked and forced myself to look at him. "What?"

"Ariadne. The myths, you know, never did her justice. She's a lot more than the girl with the string and a broken heart. She is brave, and compassionate, and loyal. And she faces every challenge thrown her way." Dropping his voice, he cotinued, "But that doesn't mean she recovers instantly. When Theseus left her behind, it took almost a year for her to overcome the pain of being abandonded. It did not mean she was weak. Feeling pain does not make someone weak. And acting like it is is the quickest path to a shattered mind. Some of the most uncurable insanity is self-inflicted."

I let that settle in. "Thanks, Mr. D."

"You're welcome. Now, go get some rest. You look like you need it."

With that, he turned and left as easily as he had come. And I almost laughed at how ridiculous the situation was.

Almost.

Because there was still a package of birth control on the floor.

I walked over to retrieve it, ran my fingers over the small plastic bumps. Funny how little things like white pills and bloodied clumps could change everything.

I was regretting buying it, but not for my own sake. For Chris's. This was his relationship, too, and he'd been so sincere when he said he was willing to start a family, but...I couldn't go through with it. Maybe it wasn't my fault that I had miscarried, but it could have been my body's. I was no medical expert, but I knew enough to fear that I might just not be capable of carrying a child. The odds were unknown, but I didn't want to play them, not when someone else's life was on the line. Besides, I could go my whole life without being a mom; being good with my students was totally different from raising a baby.

Chris, though, he would be a great dad. No question about it. He was easy-going and gentle and level-headed and so many other things I could never be.

I growled in frustration, wondering how much trouble I'd get in if I snuck off to hack some dummies in half. All I wanted was to feel my blade in my hand, some semblence of the control I used to have.

Footsteps alerted me to another presence, so I hastily hid the medication and turned my head. It was the last person I wanted to see.

"Feeling better?" Chris questioned, taking a seat next to me.

"Yeah, a little." I spoke to table; I couldn't look at him. "Shouldn't you be doing something productive?"

"Lunch time. Besides, seeing you is important. Make sure you haven't gone stir crazy."

"Please. I'm way past that point. I swear, if Chiron really keeps me here for the rest of the week, I am going to lose my mind. Honestly, I just want to stab something."

"Not your charming, handsom boyfriend, hopefully."

"No. Just you."

His mouth snapped open in disbelief. "Hey!"

"I'm just kidding. Jeez, you think you'd have gotten used to my sense of humor by now."

"Well, that was especially cold," he protested, pouting.

I rolled my eyes and leaned over to kiss him. "Gods, you're such a girl. Better?"

"A little. But you know, a little more of that couldn't hurt."

Exaggerating a sigh, I did as he requested, a twinge of excitement coursing through me when he kissed back. Soon enough, we were making out, me in his lap and his hands in my hair. Everything seemed back to normal.

Which is of course why I broke from his warm embrace and threw the package of pills on the table. Because logic.

Chris turned from me to the box, then back to me. "When did you get those?" he asked softly.

"Last night."

"Last night?" he repeated. "How-?"

"I snuck off when you were sleeping."

He was quiet for a few moments. "Clarisse, if you didn't want to have a baby, you could have just told me so."

"It's not that," I objected quickly. "It's, it's just...I had this dream, okay? And we had a son. But then, then...he wasn't a kid anymore, just this bloody mess, and I can't...I don't...I'm not ready, okay?"

"That's more than okay," he promised, pulling me close. "Clarisse, we don't have to do anything you're not ready to do."

"You want to be a dad."

"Whenever you're ready to be a mom. I'm not expecting you to bounce back from this like nothing happened. And if you don't want to try any time soon, that's perfectly okay with me."

"You're in this relationship, too."

"But it's your body. And we have a whole lot of time before we settle down to become parents."

"What if I don't want to be a parent?" It was barely above a whisper, but it echoed like a gunshot around the room.

"You don't mean that, Reese. You're just...worried right now. But that dream was just a dream; it didn't mean anything."

"No, but having a miscarriage does. What if I seriously can't have kids, Chris? What if every time we try, this happens?"

"That's not it."

"It could be! You don't know."

"Neither do you."

I just shook my head and muttered, "I'm not even cut out to be a mom, anyway."

"Are you kidding me? You'd be an amazing mom."

"Right, of course. I forgot how having a horrible temper and a love of fighting correlate to being a good parent. Thank you so much for reminding me."

"I'm being serious. Your students-"

"Are fully-functioning children who have been raised by another human being for at least six years. They're not babies."

"You're still good with them," he protested softly. "And if we did become parents, I'd be right by your side to help. You wouldn't be in it alone." He rested his forehead against mine. "I'm not trying to push you into doing anything. This happens whenever you're ready. I just don't want you thinking you wouldn't be a good mom."

"Do I really have to list all the reasons why I think that?"

"No. Because I can tell you right now that they're all wrong. You stood by my side when no one else did; you took care of me for six months even after I had betrayed camp. You are a loving, forgiving, amazing human being, and any kid would be lucky to have you as a mom. Just because everyone else believes those children of Ares stereotypes doesn't mean you have to. Please, Reese. Whenever you're ready, you'll be a great mom." He brushed a loose strand of hair from my eyes. "But only when you're ready. It's your call when that happens. Okay?"

"Okay." I rested my head on his chest. "Thank you, Chris."

"You're welcome." He grinned brightly. "How about we get back to what we were doing before?"

"You want to spend the rest of lunch that way?"

"Please. I want to spend every minute that way."

For the first time in what felt like forever, I smiled.