A/N Okay, so the song used is 'I want to Hold Your Hand' by the Beatles and is kind of Ryan's p.o.v. Thanks so much for the reviews from the previous chapter. It really means a lot to me. So R/R and enjoy!
Chapter 3: I Want to Hold Your Hand
The minute I walked through the front door, I was bombarded by my mom. She had this silly grin on her face that made me want to yell at her. She gave me this knowing look and I glared at her. She didn't say anything at first, probably waiting for me to spill all the details about my afternoon and why I got home three hours late and just happened to be dropped off by Ryan Atwood again. I didn't say anything though, I just stood there, glaring at my mom for looking like an idiot, and waited for her to start talking, because we all know she will. And she'll come up with a story, which probably didn't happen. She'll ask me where we went, who we met with, what we did, but all the while she'll be forming a story in her head to gossip to the rest of the town about. That's just what she does.
She finally squeals like a little kid with a new toy and says, "Tell me all about him!"
That I wasn't expecting. She led me to the living room just like she did the day before and looked at me, waiting or an answer. I thought about it and then said, "I don't know…you've seen him before."
She rolled her eyes and said, "Everyone's seen him and he's hot." This made me wince a little bit and my mom was totally oblivious to it. "I mean…what's his personality like? Is he a gentleman or a total snob?"
I say, "He's a gentleman I guess. I've only really known him for two days."
She nodded and said, "Well, as long as he treats you well I guess it's okay if you go out with him."
Now it's my turn to roll my eyes and I say, "We're not going out."
She looks at me in disbelief and says, "Sure."
"Sure what?" I ask, getting upset. "We're not going out."
My mom stands up and I can see she's trying not to smile. "You deny it as long as you want honey, but we both know that you guys have something going on." She walks out of the room, but I go after her.
Oh yeah, I´ll tell you something
I think you´ll understand
When I say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
When I catch up to her I say, "Look, we're friends, if even that." I sigh and put my hands on my hips. "Understand?"
She brushes off my comment with a wave of her hand and says, "Uh huh, sure."
Now I'm getting really pissed off. Why doesn't anyone believe me? Why don't I ever get to decide anything in my life? I know I'm taking this way out of proportion, but with the whole Steve thing, I feel like I have no say whatsoever. I'm going to make sure my mom understands this. I grab her arm, probably more forceful than I should and say, "We're not going out."
She stares at me, shocked and kind of upset that I'm clutching her arm tightly and says, "Whatever you say. Stop being a drama queen."
I glare and sigh really hard. She stares at me, I stare at her, and then I finally say, "I have homework to do." I get my books and stuff and go upstairs, slamming my door pretty hard. It makes me so upset when she just feels like she knows everything. She doesn't know fucking anything.
Nothing at all.
She doesn't know what happens in her own house, right under her nose. She doesn't know that every night her stupid boyfriend rapes me. She doesn't know the pain I go through, all the tears I've cried. She doesn't know what I feel inside, that I want to leave this world so badly sometimes that I think of cutting myself. She doesn't know anything, especially not Ryan. Ryan is my escape, even if I don't want to acknowledge him at all. He makes me forget that I'm some fourteen year old with tons of problems. When I'm with him, I'm no longer Marissa Cooper, the victim. I become, Marissa Cooper, the girl.
For now, that's all I want.
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I don't know how Ryan goes into school everyday with everyone staring at him and still manages not to go unfazed by it. When I walk into school the next day, everyone is staring at me. I really mean everyone too. Even the teachers were staring at me, probably just because they wanted to know what everyone else was looking at. Some girls were at their lockers texting on their cell phones, but the minute I walked by they just looked up and stared, their eyes boring holes into me. It made me very self conscious about myself. Was my hair okay, did I have something in my teeth, was my shirt inside out? I reached my locker without anyone approaching me, but he second I closed it, I saw Ryan.
Oh, please, say to me
You´ll let me be your man
and please, say to me
Everyone averted their attention to him and they watched him walk towards my locker, his eyes twinkling, his smile brightening up the room. He reached it quickly, not noticing everyone else and said, "So you left kind of quickly yesterday."
He leaned against the lockers and looked at me intensely. It made me kind of nervous. I swear he looks into my eyes and sees what I'm thinking sometimes. It scares me. "I uh, had a lot of homework."
He laughs and says, "So do I but you don't see me practically running out of cars."
I glare and say, "Well, for your information, I totally forgot that I was supposed to be home in time for a family dinner."
"Family dinner.." He said, smiling and looking off into space, making it look like he was debating it in his head. "Hmm, I don't think I've ever heard that one before…especially coming from a girl who happens to hate her mom."
"How do you know I hate my mom?" I ask suspiciously, raising an eyebrow. "For all you know, my mom could be my idol."
He shrugged and said, "I asked around. Story in the hallways is that your mom and you haven't gotten along since your dad left…"
"That's none of your business." I say quickly, not wanting to talk about my dad.
He shakes his head and says, "I want it to be though." He looks at me, searching into my eyes and says, "I want to know you, everything about you."
I shake my head and look down, thinking of Steve. Luckily he was off on a business trip last night. I look up and brush some hair out of my face. Then I say, "Trust me, you don't want to know everything about me."
I turn and walk away, feeling the gaze of Ryan along with most of the school on my back.
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You´ll let me hold your hand
Now let me hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
When school is over, I'm relieved to see that Ryan isn't at my locker. I don't feel like dealing with him right now, especially not after our conversation earlier. He doesn't know what he's in for when he's around me. I can't trust him, I can't trust anyone. The sooner he realizes that, the sooner he'll be able to get on with his life. I grab my stuff and walk out of the school. I don't see Ryan outside either and I really am relieved now. He must have really learned his lesson now. I look around and see that Summer's dad is picking her up. Summer sees me and waves me over. "Come on, we'll give you a ride!" She yells.
I nod and walk towards the car and quickly get in, looking out the window the whole way. I think, which I guess I tend to do a lot. I think about the clouds in the sky and about how life just isn't fair sometimes. I look up at the blue sky and feel somewhat more at ease when I see it. The sky is always so comforting for me sometimes. It's one of the things I can count on. The sky will always be there even when things are completely crazy in your life. I'm so lost in thought that I don't hear Summer. "Hello, Earth to Coop."
I turn and look at Summer and say, "Yeah?"
"My dad just asked you how you and your mom are doing." She stated.
I look at her dad and give him a fake smile. "We're great, thanks."
He nods and says, "That's good." He is quiet for a little bit and then he says, "You know, I never see you around the house anymore."
I nod and say, "Summer and I have both been busy. High school is so crazy sometimes." I'm good at coming up with excuses. The truth is, I don't feel like Summer can understand what I'm going through. No one can understand what I'm going through.
When we get to my house, I thank Summer and her dad and then get out of the car. There's a familiar car parked near my house and I rack my brain trying to remember who it belongs to. I walk up to the front door lost in thought, somewhere I always seem to be lately. I open the front door and say, "Mom, I'm home!"
"Come here honey, there's someone here to see you! We're in the kitchen!" I walk to the kitchen and wonder who could be here to see me. None of my relatives talk to my mom, and my dad wouldn't be allowed past the front door alive. I don't have any other friends besides Summer and she just dropped me off. I don't know anyone else except…..
Oh crap.
I hear Ryan before I reach the kitchen. He's laughing with my mom and it makes me kind of upset. When he sees me, he stops laughing but still maintains his smile. "Marissa…" he starts, but I cut him off.
"What are you doing here?" I demand, crossing my arms over my chest. He has a lot of explaining to do.
And when I touch you i feel happy, inside
It´s such a feeling
That my love
I cannot hide
I cannot hide
I cannot hide
"Well I knew you wouldn't let me give you another ride.." He starts, and he takes a step towards me. "And I really wanted to see you again…" He gives my mom a pleading look.
She nods and says, "So he came to the house and asked me if he could take you out to dinner." I sigh and really hope my mom said now. "So I of course said he could." She winks at me and says, "I'll leave you two alone, hope you guys have fun!" She quickly walks/skips out of the kitchen happily. I glare at her as she leaves.
I look at Ryan and give him a death glare and he puts his hands up in surrender and says, "I know you're upset…"
"Ryan, upset doesn't cut it!" I practically yell. I throw my arms up in the air exasperatedly and say, "Look, I understand that you want to talk to me and get to know me and all that, but you can't just come to my house and talk to my mom!"
He nods and says, "Yeah, I know, but…"
"No, no buts Ryan." I say, lowering my voice. "You have to ask me to dinner, not ask my mom if I can go." I sigh and put my hands on my hips.
He nods once again and sighs. "Look, I know you're really upset." He slowly takes a step towards me and he stuffs his hands in his jean pockets. I take the chance to look at him. He's wearing a black polo shirt and jeans with some black boots. His hair is all shaggy and so adorable and it makes me soften just the tiniest bit. "And I know that this was uncalled for and wrong…but let's face the facts…" He gives me this adorable smile and says, "You wouldn't talk to me if I hadn't come."
I sigh and say, "That doesn't make it right."
He nods and says, "I know, but I really want to talk to you…"
I roll my eyes and say, "What's so important that you have to come to my house and ask me?"
He gives me a sheepish grin and says, "I really want to take you to dinner if you don't mind…"
Now I really want to laugh. It just seems comical to me. Ryan Atwood, senior in high school, a big sports star, wants to ask me, Marissa Cooper, freshman with no extra curricular activities yet to dinner. And even more than that, he asked my mom's permission! That just doesn't happen everyday. I sigh and say, "Dinner only." He did come all this way after all…
Yeah you, got that something
I think you´ll understand
When I say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
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"Okay, we both get to ask the other five questions," Ryan says, stuffing his hands into his pockets once again. He looks at me for approval.
"Fine, but I get to go first." I say, looking out at the ocean. Ryan decided that he wanted to take me to dinner at the diner and then if I was up to it he wanted me to walk along the pier with him. He had so cleverly pointed out that we had to walk off our food one way or another so it only made sense that we walk together. So now I was stuck walking along the pier with him, which wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't still a little upset for him going behind my back and sneaking up on me at home.
He nods and says, "Okay, shoot." He looks at me and smiles.
"Okay, first question…hmm…You said you were adopted. Where are you originally from?" I waited for an answer.
He looks down and says, "Chino." There's a hint of sadness in his voice.
I nod and say, "So what happened with that, why'd you come?" I'm kind of interested now.
He sighs and walks towards the rail and leans against it. He looks out at the ocean and says, "My dad had been arrested when I was seven. I don't have many memories of him to be honest. My mom, well she was an alcoholic. She always had a bad taste in men and one day she met a really bad guy. His name was Charles Gonzalez." He paused and looked down at the rail before continuing. "He would always cuss my mom out and hit her, and beat me and my brother, Trey. Well one night, when I was fourteen, Charles came home really drunk. He started yelling at my brother and Trey just got tired of it and left. I haven't seen him since. My mom was mad at Charles and started yelling at him. Charles started hitting my mom and my mom yelled for me to leave. There was something in her voice that made me listen and I went to my friend Theresa's house. My mom must have really made Charles mad because I heard yelling all the way from her house and I tried my best not to cry. Atwoods don't cry."
His voice was kind of shaky, and I knew he needed some kind of support. I slid my hand on the rail over to where his was and held his hand in my own. His hand was warm and kind of rough but soft at the same time. He looked down at our hands and then continued. "So I stayed at Theresa's house and we were in her room, talking about school, trying not to listen to the argument. I hear Charles yell something about my mom being a worthless piece of…well you can guess…and then I hear this loud, piercing sound. It sounded louder than a firecracker that you pop on the Fourth of July. I remember Theresa's mom calling the police and I ran outside to see Charles leaving in his car. The cops came with the paramedics and the next thing I know, they're dragging my mom's body out. I'll never forget what it looked like. She was all bloody, and already dead. I went to foster care after that and I met the Cohens when Sandy was dropping off one of his clients."
And when I touch you I feel happy, inside
It´s such a feeling
That my love
I cannot hide
I cannot hide
I cannot hide
He looked at me and said, "Does that answer your question?"
I nod and softly say, "I'm sorry."
"Don't be, it's not your fault." He sighs and says, "Those things just happen."
"What's your favorite color?" I ask, trying to change the subject.
He thinks about it and then says, "Black."
"Black." I repeat with a raised eyebrow.
He nods and smiles. "Yeah, black because it's everywhere. It's dark….and the dark is everywhere."
"Black is kind of depressing." I point out.
He shakes his head and says, "No, it isn't. Really, what is life without black. It's like…there would never be light if there as never any dark. And black is what the sky looks like. Black makes the stars look shinier and more beautiful. Black makes everything look better."
I nod and smile. "I never thought of it that way." I think about another question and ask, "Okay, so let's see…have you ever had a pet?"
He nodded and said, "I once had a goldfish because my mom didn't believe we could take care of anything else." He backs away from the railing and I notice that I'm still holding his hand. He laces our fingers together and we continue walking. I don't know whether to pull my hand away or leave it, but I decide that for now this is okay. "We named it Bob. It was totally Trey's idea. Anyways, I was like six when we had it, and I figured that maybe Bob was getting tired of the water. So I decide to let him go and lay out in the sun." He started laughing and said, "Needless to say, Trey wasn't happy."
I laughed too and our laughter mixing together brought out some strange emotion in me. Joy? Was that what it was? I don't know anymore. "Alright, last question. What is your favorite thing to do?"
He looks down and then looks up and stops walking. He looks into my eyes and says, "Honestly?" I nod and he says, "Talking to you." He searches my eyes for some type of reaction, but I have none. What do you do when a guy says that to you?
"Your turn," I say, looking away. We continue walking.
"Hmm, okay. What happened to your dad?" He asks.
Yeah you, got that something
I think you´ll understand
When I feel that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand.
I sigh and say, "Well, he just left. One day I come home and he's not there. My mom refuses to talk about him so I never knew what really happened. I don't even know if I want to know sometimes to be quite honest." I look at him and say, "Okay, next question."
He nods and says, "Have you ever had a boyfriend?"
I shake my head and say, "No, I haven't."
He then asks, "Would you like one?"
I roll my eyes and say, "No."
I figure next he's going to ask if I like him or something. But then he surprises me, just like he always is and asks, "What are you running from?"
"What do you mean?" I ask.
He sighs and says, "You're running from something. It's obvious in the way you talk, the way you walk. You're afraid of letting yourself go and being free. Why?" He glances over at me.
I shake my head and say, "I don't know." I think about Steve and say, "Just things…"
"What things? I want to know…I want to help you," he says softly.
"No one can help me, I'm already too far gone." I say in barely a whisper.
"Why? What's done this to you?" He asks desperately.
I shake my head and say, "Your five questions are up. I want to go home."
He sighs and says, "Okay."
All the way home we're both silent. Really, what is there to say?