It is I, the Narrator! Fear me! Revere me! Do both of the above!
...Alright, here's your chapter.
All-Around TYPE-MOON: FANFICTION FESTIVAL!
Chapter Four: How Not to Purchase Clothes
If there was anything Tohsaka Rin hated more than waking up in the morning, it was spending money.
That morning, Sakura's message had dragged her out of bed fifteen minutes early. In her groggy state, she had forgotten how to work the answering machine, so she had punted it off the cupboard and left the mess for Archer to clean up. Now, at two in the afternoon, she found herself glaring into the display of a very big, very luxurious clothing store. Her sister stood beside her and radiated her usual smile of passive-aggressive expectancy.
Tohsaka Rin was not a happy camper.
"Of course, you had to choose the most expensive place in town. Nothing less from my beloved sister."
The irritation in her voice was plain. Model-student Tohsaka this was not.
Sakura beamed beatifically.
"But of course, Sister dearest. How often do we get the chance to shop together? I must thank you for letting me choose the store."
Rin rubbed her temples.
"As I recall," she hissed through gritted teeth, "I asked you to choose a shop which wasn't too expensive."
She turned her glare on Sakura. The other girl's smile barely flickered.
"Oh, but it's such a wonderful opportunity, don't you think?"
Rin's only response was an extended groan. Allowing for the acoustic properties of her palm as applied to her face, a rough transliteration would be 'mmmmmmmmgryouggghIghgrah.'
Sakura's only response to this verbal chimera was a pleasant nod of accommodation.
"Yes, my thoughts exactly. Shall we go, Sister dearest?"
It was almost as if she was relishing it - which, if Rin knew anything about her estranged-sister-cum-distant-schoolmate-cum-romantic-rival-cum-occasional-shopping-partner, she totally was. Of all the hyphenated things in her life, Sakura had the dubious honor of having the most hyphens. At times, this made Rin feel vaguely guilty, like she wanted to get to know her sister more.
This was not one of those times.
The purple-haired girl walked happily through the doors. Rin had little choice but to trudge behind.
"I swear, I'm never agreeing to buy anything with you again."
"Don't worry, Sister dearest. Once is quite enough."
Rin scowled, both at the sickening sweetness of Sakura's tone and the sly edge in her undertone. If a hypothetical ball of ants was to fly at Sakura at that very moment, she thought, they would probably all die of a hypothetical twentieth strain of diabetes. In mid-flight.
"Oh, this looks cute!"
Rin looked up, then balked. Sakura was proffering a pink flower top. The embroidered sun was beaming. The flowers were swaying beneath the sun. The bees were dancing happily around the flowers. It was the most disgustingly girly thing Rin had ever seen.
"You can't possibly expect me to wear that," she said flatly. "It's hurting my eyes."
Sakura assumed a look of perfect innocence.
"I'm so sorry, Sister dearest. Please forgive me. What do you usually wear?"
"Oh, for -"
Rin's hands flew up, sending her twintails flying and earning a startled glance from the saleswoman two aisles away. Then her fingers grasped both sides of her head and squeezed hard. Then she forced her arms down with an effort. It was a very dramatic gesture, ponderable at all three of its parts.
"Look," she breathed, "I want something elegant and red. Get me something elegant. Also red."
"I think it's wonderful how sophisticated you are," nodded Sakura happily. "Just like Father."
With that devastating snipe, Sakura walked down the aisle, took a left, and disappeared. Trembling, Rin wondered if this was how Emiya felt when faced with one of her own flippant moods. It only took her several seconds to dismiss the notion. No way Emiya would feel anything on this level, she thought. She wasn't even that bad.
Empathy was not something that came easily to the twin-tailed girl.
"What about this one?"
And there was Sakura again, holding a very large tomato suit. It was velvety. It was tomato-y. It had a little limpid stalk-cap hanging off the right glove and two large googly eyes in its center.
"It's designer," she chirped. "I can't think of anything more chic than designer. Is this the right shade of red?"
Rin opened her mouth, then closed it. Throwing herself on the nearest cushioned stool, she pushed her head into her hands and began to speak very, very slowly.
"What part. Of elegant. Do you not. Understand?"
All things considered, her control was quite admirable. She was only heaving like a medium-sized bull as opposed to a large one.
Sakura looked at the suit. The googly eyes googled back.
"I think you'd kill at the summer festival," was her cheerful response.
Sakura then began walking backwards, because Rin shot her a look so black that the average recipient would have been marked as racially insensitive for all time. Fortunately (or unfortunately), Sakura had experienced much blacker stuff, and was thus disturbingly unaffected. Her smile remained intact.
"Still, I guess I could find something else if that doesn't suit your fancy. I can't imagine why."
The fact that Rin's fingers were visibly itching to throttle her didn't hurt, either.
Five minutes passed, which Rin mostly occupied with knuckle-cracking, tooth-grinding, twintail-whipping, sweater-twisting, and all the things that she usually did when she was ready to commit homicide. She hadn't got any results from Archer, so she didn't even know where Shirou was - and that was one less chance to one-up her sister. The opportunities for revenge seemed maddeningly limited.
"Found it!"
Rin didn't even want to look. Still, a mounting wave of impatience forced her eyes from Sakura's shoes.
It was a smaller version of the tomato suit.
"Slimming, no?"
Rin jumped up, ready to kenpo Sakura to a pulp. She stepped forwards, eyes smoldering. In a single step, she initiated the Tohsaka-Style Silent Grab of Sister-Pulping, a technique devised by her pugilist ancestors for any situation in which one might have to pulp a sister with discrete haste. The move involved a throat-grab, choke-slam, copious slapping, and finally four elbow drops, laced throughout with judicious applications of catty language.
Unperturbed, Sakura flipped the tomato suit inside-out and caught Rin's head in mid-step. Then she unfurled a red scarf, wrestled her struggling sister to the nearest mirror, tied her arms to her sides, somehow produced the first tomato suit, and finally tugged it over the rest of Rin for good measure. Upside-down.
"My, Sister dearest!" she exclaimed, clasping her hands. "Your new outfit looks even better than I thought it would! And it's all red, too!"
Pulling out her phone, she began snapping away. Rin's violent squirming turned into dangerous stretching noises, punctuated with muffled squeaks of rage. That, as it turned out, was the catty language.
"Just wait till everyone on Myspace sees this!"
With a momentous rip, Rin's arm burst from within its tomato-y prison. That was how she got in the first elbow drop. The other three went unattempted due to technical difficulties.
For about two minutes, the only audible sound was the ragged breathing of the collapsed, spread-eagled sisters. About one minute in, Rin's other arm popped out of the left leg-hole, which was why she was able to scuttle off Sakura like an incredibly awkward crab. The two pairs of googly eyes googled.
The saleswomen were staying as far away as possible from the two psychopaths.
Sakura gave a cough-laugh and rolled to her knees. She'd already uploaded the photos.
"So feisty," she wheezed, doubling over in a fit of giggles.
Rin made a perfectly indescribable noise. Her right arm was still parallel to the ground and her head was still in a severe case of tomato-suit, which probably explained why the sound was indescribable. Still hunched over, Sakura turned wincingly around.
"Excuse me?" she called.
The saleswomen gave each other terrified glances, then shoved the middle one to the front.
"Y-yes? How m-may I help you, M-miss?" she trembled.
Sakura straightened up, then flashed her widest smile yet.
"What's your policy on customer-damaged goods?"
Rin made a perfectly indescribable noise. The saleswoman gulped and twiddled her fingers.
"F-full purchase, Miss."
Rin went completely stiff, then fell over.
"Well," said Sakura triumphantly, "I guess we have no choice."
Seizing Rin by the arm, she dragged her paralyzed victim to the counter. Rider couldn't have done a better job.
"Oh, and my sister would like this pink flower top, too. Isn't that right, Sister dearest?"
Rin made a perfectly indescribable noise. Sakura nodded happily.
"Such good taste!"
And as she rummaged for her sister's wallet, she put the little stalk-cap on Rin's red-swathed head to crown things off.
Rider was still huffing when she received her Master's message.
"I've neutralised my sister, Rider. Have you found Senpai?"
Rider looked at Archer, who was frozen in about his fortieth smug pose that day. His white eyebrow was arched quite perfectly now, and he had in place a deliberately ridiculous grin.
"No, Sakura," she snapped, with more than a hint of flustered embarrassment. "I have not found Emiya Shirou."
As she walked along the sidewalk with her sister in tow, Sakura gave a disappointed frown. The crowd of onlookers shifted uncomfortably. Rin was still in costume. Rin was still insensate.
"That's too bad, Rider. Keep looking."
Rider twitched.
"Trust me, Sakura. I am doing my best."
And on the rooftop across the street from Ahnenerbe, Rider prepared to put her glasses back on. She also positioned her foot for a swift kick to the vulnerables.
It was too late for Archer to change the ridiculous grin, but a thin film of sweat did break out on his forehead.
Sakura sighed as she cut off contact with her Servant. Why was her life so hard?
"Oh, Sakura. Just the person I wanted to see."
Sakura turned. It was Bazett, Lancer in tow. Dragging their respective bodies, the two females came abreast of each other. The crowd decided it was probably time to disperse.
"Hello, Bazett," smiled Sakura.
"Hello, Sakura," replied Bazett. "Shirou's invited you to lunch at Ahnenerbe."
Sakura's eyes burst into orbs of gleaming light.
"Senpai has?" she breathed. "Oh, how wonderful!"
Bazett nodded.
"That's right. Also, do you know where Tohsaka Rin is? Because she's invited too."
"Rin?" gasped Sakura in mock puzzlement. "Why, Rin's right here."
She indicated the double-tomato-trussed body behind her. Driven by a sudden wave of mutual sympathy, Rin and Lancer's quivering fingers touched.
Bazett blinked.
"I see," she said. "Well, I think Shirou would appreciate it if you got her to Ahnenerbe."
Sakura smiled.
"But of course I will. After all, she's such a good friend of mine."
Two things happened at this very moment. Firstly, a flash of yellow tore down the street, sailed over two trucks and five automobiles, and whipped past the sidewalk. Secondly, Rin disappeared, leaving nothing but the green stalk-cap.
Sakura's smile cracked.
"What?"
Bazett craned her neck.
"I do believe that was Saber on a yellow Vespa," she stated. "Also, she appears to be heading towards Ahnenerbe. Splendid. That's all five invitations done."
"What?"
Sakura was not taking this very well. Her face was spasming.
"Well," said Bazett, "I do hope you enjoy your lunch. You see, Lancer and I are both waiters at Ahnenerbe, and our bosses have all scrambled. Obviously, looking for them comes first."
"What?"
The Irishwoman in the French maid dress gave a little excited twirl.
"Come on, Lancer! Let's go!"
Lancer could only skid in a circle, because the Vespa had run him over. Giggling, Bazett pranced away.
Sakura's head fell. She stood stock-still, emanating a dark aura of impending doom.
"Rider?" she asked quietly.
From the rooftop, Rider turned around. Freed at last, it was all Archer could do not to flop around in extreme agony.
"Yes, Sakura?"
The schoolgirl's voice hardly changed.
"Get over here, Rider. We're going on a race."
And with that dramatic conclusion...
Normally, I'd have more to say, but it appears I have more notes from the Illustrious Author to read. Celebrate, good times, come on. This job is getting really tiring.
"In response to King of Beasts, I must sadly say that I have little experience with Fate/Apocrypha – thus, the chances of any Apocrypha Servants appearing in this fic are limited at best. At the moment, the character cast will be drawn from Fate/Stay Night and Hollow Ataraxia, as these are the installments I'm most familiar with. Thank you for your review, though, and I'm glad that you're enjoying this fic. Same goes for all my other lovely reviewers and followers. You guys are aweso-"
And cut. I believe what he was trying to say is 'I am a filthy casual.' Anyway.
Will Sakura get to Ahnenerbe before everyone else? What is this race she is planning? Does the Author even know where he's going? All will be revealed as the Festival continues! Onward for great justice!