Part 4

Sam watched his brother drink. He had seemed okay when he left him at the park but something foul had crawled up his ass, had kittens and died since then. "You want to lay off the booze?"

"You're driving. I can drink." Dean replied, cradling his phone against his chest. "You're cool to drive. You're always complaining I don't let you drive enough."

"So, since the hunt is a bust, why don't we pull in somewhere and you can fix the car."

"Go to Bobby's. I need to get out of Texas."

"Fine. I'll give him a call." Sam frowned and got up to get another round of beer.

Dean listened to the voice mail again. It was a bunch of nagging and bitching about how he had no right to even see his daughter. Why did he even care? What was she supposed to do with a couple thousand dollars when what Alice really needed was a father? Dean still couldn't place her face but that hardly mattered any more. He saved the message again then opened up his video files. She twirled and hopped on the little screen. Dean couldn't have stopped the smile on his face for all the world. He could hear her voice in his ears. "Dean, I like you a lot. Sh. Don't tell nobody." He studied both pictures of her for a few minutes each. He tucked his phone back into his shirt before his brother returned.

"You and that phone gonna be married soon?"

"Right after polygamy laws are passed. The car, the phone and I will live in bliss."

"You're drunk."

"Yeah… what's your point?"

"That you've been acting weird for days and I want to know why." Sam set his beer down. "I'm fairly certainly you faked clues for a hunt. I don't believe you forgot you'd already taken care of it. What was really going on?"

"Sammy, you are up my ass 24/7. Sometimes I need my privacy… especially when I can't run away from you." He idly picked at his knee, trying not to ruin the cutesy artwork.

"Yeah, okay but I had over a grand in that bag before I left you alone with it."

"Something came up."

"Yeah and I expected rims or a new door for the Impala… not your Fort Knox impression."

"Whatever, man. I'm tired." Dean stole his brother's beer and took a long swig before handing it back and forcing himself to his feet. He fell asleep in the Impala because he hoped that Sam would get the hint that he wanted to be out of town sooner rather than later. He fell asleep inhaling the smells from his T-shirt; beer, smoke and little girl.

--

Sam watched his brother do something monumentally stupid. He leapt back into the fray to rescue his phone. It had fallen out of his pocket while they were escaping the poltergeist but it was just a phone. Tired and weary, Sam fell into bed but he was so pumped full of adrenaline that he couldn't do more than doze. He watched his brother through narrow-slit-eyes as he reverently cleaned his phone and then sat back to watch something for almost twenty minutes. Watched his brother wipe roughly at his face and rub at his eyes before carefully tucking the phone away in his bag. When Dean rose to take a shower, Sam forced himself to sit up.

It was a huge invasion of privacy. Something that Dean had been insistent on over the past couple of years. Pulling the outdated phone out of his brother's bag, Sam studied it. It was just a phone. An old phone. Usually Dean leapt onto a new phone as soon as his credit cards were pulled for fraudulent charges. It had dents and deep scratches in it. Flipping it open, he searched the files for some clue to his brother's recent and lasting bent toward perpetual pissiness. There were pictures of pranks, pictures of hot girls and two pictures of a little girl with a wide familiar grin. More confusing was the short video of the same little girl doing nothing but laughing and dancing in that little kid way.

The water shut off. Sam was quick to replace the phone and lay back on his bed. "Dude, you leave me some hot water?"

"In your dreams, Sammy." Dean called back. He emerged in his shorts and lay out on his bed. He rubbed his leg and frowned. "Think it's gonna rain tonight or in the morning?"

"Your leg bothering you?"

"It's not cold but…" He rubbed it red. "Maybe it didn't set right. I don't notice it until it's gonna rain hard."

"Well, you did insist on running all over the country and putting your weight on it. I think you shrunk an inch."

"Shut up… really?" Dean ran his hand through his hair, it was getting long.

"You're really attached to that phone… you risked death today to save it."

"Have some waitresses' pictures on there. I like to make return trips prepared."

"But you risked death to save it."

"Look, Nun-boy. I like to get me some and this phone helps me do that."

"You know… you can transfer your files onto a new phone."

"Shit? Really?" He watched his brother's face. "Yeah, maybe it's time to retire this beauty."

--

Dean pulled the hunk of cast out of the bottom of his bag. It looked like crap except for where he'd applied a coat of lacquer to preserve the artwork. Two little shaky kittens and some flowers and Alice scrawled between them. He knew that he had screwed it all up. He had put the pieces together with events from Dad's journal and the scathing voice messages he got from Shannon, whenever she was feeling frustrated and needed to lash out at someone who deserved it.

He'd been 22 when he'd rolled into that town. He'd hooked up with a pretty brunette, while heavily intoxicated off alcohol and pain pills. He'd forgotten to use a condom or if he had, it was that 1 ineffectiveness that had struck. So the day after his 23rd birthday, a daughter was brought into the world. Green eyes and tea-blonde and every inch her father's daughter. Whatever phone number he'd been using had been dead by the time Shannon had cried out for help. He'd managed not to get picked up in Texas for four years. Had managed to not know for four years.

Then he had to go and track her down. Then he had to write her a damned letter. Then he had to meet her. Then he'd fallen in love with her. Had let her draw silly things all over his cast. Had let her crawl all over him and right into his heart. Then he'd gone and given her the charm he'd meant for his brother. She was inside him and he couldn't drink her out, vomit her out, hunt her out. She was stuck and she wasn't even his. Sure, he'd lent some DNA one drunken night but he had no claim to her. When he and Sammy needed space, he took himself to Texas to watch her from afar. He didn't dare get close to her again. Not when she was happy with her family. With her mother and stepfather and half-brother. She didn't need a guy coming around just because he was her father in a biological sense.

He'd had drink after drink all night but still made it back to the hotel by midnight. He watched the video, stared at the pictures and the chunk of cast as the minutes took him into her 7th birthday. He'd started sending letters to a P.O. Box he'd set up in a small Texas town. He couldn't send them to her. Someday, he'd get the nerve to find a way to tell her that it was there.

He'd started keeping a journal, much the way his father had. He'd started really reading between the lines in Dad's journal, finally understanding why his father had been so meticulous about it. He missed his father more and more. Wished he could ask for some advice from someone who had kids. Was he doing the right thing? Shannon seemed to think he wasn't but he didn't care what Shannon thought. She would always be a back roads Texan one-night stand to him. She just happened to be the one in however many women he'd slept with to get pregnant by him.

When Sam wandered in, he was too drunk to put anything away. Sam had been drinking. Had been wondering where Dean had gone. Was wondering why Dean was in the room alone. Then he saw the bed and all the things laid out on it. Sam had been waiting for the moment and it had taken almost three years. "Happy Birthday, Dean."

"You already said that tonight."

"Yeah, I know…" Sam cleared his throat. "So, what's my niece's name?"

"Alice Emerson-Winchester-Christopher-something." Dean shrugged. "I don't know what last name she goes by."

"Were you ever going to tell me?"

"What for?" Dean shoved a fist against his burning eyes. "I can't see her. I'm a wanted man. Who meets their daughter and then tells her that daddy's got a criminal record and is wanted by the FBI?" He just kept getting angrier and angrier at himself. "What kind of father only meets his kid when she's four years old and then chickens out of telling her who he really is?" He looked at his watch. "It's her birthday now. She's seven years old and all she knows is that her daddy was never there. That her mother says he was a devil."

"Dean, calm down."

"You thought Dad sucked as a dad? At least he was there for us. At least he tried. He messed up a lot but we're alive and we miss him, damn it."

"Dean, you're drunk. Just… get some sleep, man." Sam pleaded. He was too drunk to stop Dean from doing anything while he was this toasted.

Dean lay out on his crappy hotel bed with all his things scattered across it still. "Think she'll ever forgive me? I mean, if she ever finds out about me. You think that if she finds out about what I do… that she'll forgive me for not trying to be with her?"

"If she's anything like you?" Sam sighed, satisfied that Dean was going to stay in his bed and not do anything stupid. "Probably forgive you more than you deserve."

--

Sam spent the morning watching his brother carefully. He didn't seem to want to eat, which was, of itself, odd. Sam had seen this before but now he knew the reason. "Tell the truth, was she the reason I spent all that time in Texas chasing my tail?"

"Maybe." Barely even a smirk. He had pulled one over on Sam that time.

"Can I see her? I am her uncle. I have a right to spoil her."

"Shannon doesn't want me to have anything to do with Alice."

"Alice, huh. Sweet name." Sam nodded to himself. "Shannon?"

"Just some girl I… once. It's stupid." Dean bit out suddenly. "I had to have been careful. I'm always careful." He took a deep breath to calm himself down. "She's… I took your money and I gave it to her. I don't know. I wrote her a letter saying it was for college. I don't know if that's what it'll go for but… I had to do something."

"I know. You did what you thought you had to. I just don't understand why you didn't say anything."

"This is something you do when you're a teenager, you know? You do something stupid that ends up fucking up your life. You don't just make a mistake when you're 22. I don't." Dean frowned into his coffee. "So, I just wanted to see her. To see what she looked like. I chickened out. She came to me and…" Dean pulled his phone out and showed it to his brother. "I took what I could."

"She's pretty, Dean." Sam took his time looking the pictures over. He hadn't had a chance to study them. "She looks like you… poor girl."

"Yeah. She's arrogant, too." He nodded to his brother's scoff. "Yeah, I know I'm vain but damn. I do look good." He sighed heavily. "I wanted to tell you but… I was expecting more yelling."

"It's done, Dean. You can't just… fix it."

"She's got a family. She doesn't need me."

"How do you know that?"

"Because. Shannon was getting married the last time we were there. Alice's got a new dad and a brother already. I'm just a sperm donor." He took his phone back so he could stare at her picture. "I thought about giving up, Sammy. The hunt, the whole thing. I did but… if something gets passed me… it could get her."

"I know. She doesn't know about what we do. She couldn't. I wouldn't want her to know." Sam sighed. "Dean, she's okay. You said it. She's got a good life."

"She was born before Dad died… I just… kind of wish I could have told him, you know? That's the kind of thing you tell your dad. 'Hey Dad, guess what? You're a grandpa.'" Dean let himself laugh. "Could you see Dad as a grandpa?"

Sam had to laugh out loud. "'Alice, this is a crossbow. It's mine. You can't touch it but you've got to learn to hit a beetle on an apple, you hear?'"

"He'd've had her packing shells before she could walk." Dean shook his head. He really missed his father. Dean gave his brother a watery smile. "You should have talked to her. She would have made you laugh so hard and most of it at my expense."

Sam laughed at his brother but his smile fell at the same moment Dean's did. "You look like you're dying, dude."

"I feel like it. How you love someone you only knew for a few hours?" He frowned, his brows diving forward in the middle. "I've fucked girls for three days straight and thought nothing about it but this little girl does a hoppy dance and asks me to marry her and I'm…"

"Dude, she's your daughter. You're gonna have all kinds of alien and goopy feelings about it."

"You think this is how Dad felt?" He met his brother's eyes. "All those times he told us we had to stay behind." Before his brother could speak, he rushed ahead. "Knowing that she's alive and out there, it gives me these tingling feelings but knowing that I can't be there with her, it kills me."

"I talk a lot of shit about Dad but I loved him, Dean. I never felt I was good enough to meet his expectations. I always thought you were his favorite."

"Dude, shut up." Dean wiped at his eyes. "Dad didn't have favorites. I joke about the extra cookie and shotgun rights but I was older. I sacrificed more. You are just like Dad."

"No, I'm not."

"Yeah. Rebellious to the bone." He had a laugh. "He told me about his parents. Good God-fearing people. Always went to church. Always active in the community. Anti-war. Pro-college. So, Dad up and joins the Marines, goes to war, becomes a mechanic and later a gun-wielding soldier of the night. You, the soldier's precious offspring, become everything he despises because you are so much like him. You don't follow orders, you hate the hunt, you want to go to college."

"You are Dad exactly. Not me."

"Hell no. My daughter is a bastard. I know who my parents are. Dad was a one-woman man… like you. I'm fairly certain Dad visited the ladies more than once on our travels but he was a widower. He… never fell in love again so we never met any of the ladies he had." Dean watched his brother's face. "You and Jess… you were young. That uh… Sarah chick, in New York. She's probably the next Mrs. Winchester, isn't she."

"I don't know."

"You party with me but you don't take anyone home… unless we're in New York. I try but it's getting harder to scrounge up excuses to head that way."

"Dude, you faked a hunt so you could check out your illegitimate offspring."

"That was for me. I'm the oldest. It's my right."

"You okay, Dean?" Sam let his smile fade a bit.

"Hey, we got over the Oprah moment, let's keep going. Don't bitch up on me, now." He swiped at his eyes with his sleeve just to make sure.

"You're a jerk, man." Sam laughed.

"It's my trademark." He sat back and took a slug of coffee, which he realized too late was still way too hot. Hiding his choking was simple enough but getting his voice back to normal when he spoke was impossible. It was strangled and hoarse. "So, uh, I write her letters but um… til she's older, she won't get them."

"So, I can't send her presents and spoil her from afar. I can't just send her something."

"I set her up a P.O. Box. Cause I don't just carry shit with me without it getting mangled."

"Safety deposit box."

"Dude. I can get a P.O. Box without too many questions. Getting a safety deposit box is harder. Banks and social securities."

"Storage units." Sam snapped his fingers. "I buy something, I stick it in a storage unit. She gets it… whenever."

"She'll get creeped out if she finds out some uncle's been buying her crap for years and sticking it in storage. If you buy her a teddy bear because she's seven, what the hell is she going to do with that when she's 18."

"Dude, at least she'll know that someone cared." Sam shook his head at his brother. "Maybe she can't use it but it's proof that you didn't just pull a fast one on her mom and never gave a shit about her."

"How about we hold off on that stuff until I get a handle on this? Okay? I don't know what I'm doing."

"You'll figure it out." Sam picked at his breakfast and watched the misery on his brother's face. "You would have been a good father to her."

"You think?"

"You practically raised me." Sam shrugged. "I turned out okay. A little fucked up but we're Winchesters. We get fucked up with age."

"Ain't that the truth." Dean muttered into his cup. "Hurry up and eat. We got a… sludge demon to kill. Sludge?"

"Close. Mire. It's stupid. It traps its victims by manipulating the water table to form huge fields of… sludge so it's harder to run away." Sam shrugged. "All my research says it's the kind you sacrifice to. Feed it in the spring so the ground retains moisture and the crops don't suffer drought."

"I hate cults."

TBC