Somewhere to go
Because she's absolutely perfect, Aisling made a fanmix for this fic. You can find the download link on my profile, but beware: it will make you want to rip your heart out of your chest afterwards.
Kate leans against the rails with a sigh, watching the orange haze that falls over the city as the sun sets, dropping his hand to reach up and button her coat against the bitter winds so high up on the rooftop. He watches her, shivering slightly, but he doesn't really care about the temperature right now. He just cares about her, and the emptiness he can see lingering in the corner of her eyes, and the way that her fingers tremble so infinitesimally that he almost misses it, but nonetheless, they tremble.
In the breeze, her hair falls around her shoulders haphazardly, looking damp. Has she just showered?
He takes a step forward, hand reaching out of its own accord to grab that one strand of hair that refuses to simply stay still like the rest of it. Tenderly, he tucks the strand behind her ear, thumb brushing across her pulse point as he does.
Kate allows him to but says nothing about the act, hands shoving into her pockets, teeth nibbling away at her lower lip.
"Do you think I would've been a good mom?"
The question is quiet and her lips barely move, so tiny in fact that he startles forwards, frowning, absolutely certain that he didn't hear her right. But then her empty eyes turn to him, and they're not quite as empty as he had first thought. The emptiness is there, the onslaught of grief that perhaps will never be forgotten, but within those eyes he also finds a sparkle of hope. She stares at him as though she desperately needs his answer, seeking his own eyes, as though she needs his permission.
"Yeah, Kate." He manages to heave out eventually. "I-I think you would've been the best."
Relief flickers across her face like an open flame, her shoulders dropping slightly as she drops even more against the railings. So close to the edge. He wants to tell her to take a step back, wants to ask her how she can stand so close to the edge of a building when just under a year ago he had almost lost her when she had fallen.
But his mind is preoccupied, racing through his own secret imaginings, the could've been. Her swollen stomach, fighting over baby names, sweaty and exhausted after labour, tiny fingers wrapping around hers, the exhausted smile every parents wears when they climb into bed at 5 in the morning after yet another restless night.
He swallows thickly. "W-Would you have kept it? If you'd known?"
Kate's brows furrow, and she looks down at her hands, picking at a nail nervously.
"I know that my work hours make things difficult. I know that there's a chance I might not come home one day. I know I'm not the person I want to be yet. But I think we… we would've made things work. We always do, don't we?"
He shuffles closer to her nervously, wondering how that complex mind of hers works as tears well in her eyes.
"Castle…" Her voice is rough and she doesn't wipe the tears away as they begin to fall. "Why do I love a child I never even knew existed?"
Castle stills, breath caught in his lungs. "Oh, Kate."
His arms reach for her but she steps away, jaw clenching as she looks away. "Castle, I was pregnant with our kid for four weeks. Four weeks and I didn't know. I- I didn't- I can't-"
The trembling in her fingers is overwhelming now and she turns away, fingers curling around the railings as she grits her teeth. Tries to breathe through the pain even though the pain controls her lungs. He reaches for her like a blind man seeking the sun but she shrugs his hands away, shaking her head at him.
"No, I-I need to be the strong one, Castle."
Castle grasps her arm, forcing her to look at him. "You don't always need to be the strong one, dammit, let me be the-"
"No!" She cries, tugging her arm from his grip and stumbling backwards. "I'm tired of you always giving and I- Dammit just let me- Please." She sobs, pressing her hands into her eyes and taking several more deep breaths.
He doesn't want her to be the strong one because Kate doesn't quite seem to know the difference between being strong and being alone.
He doesn't want her to be alone.
Dammit, he doesn't want to be alone.
"I spoke to my dad earlier. He made me see sense of certain things." She says quietly, wiping at her tears. "I wasn't trying to push you away earlier, Castle. I was shocked and I was grieving- and I still am- but I… Castle, I blamed myself."
He takes a step towards her again, needing to be close. "Kate, how could you…"
Kate holds a hand up towards him, shaking her head and blowing out bated breath.
"I know that it's not, I guess. My dad set me straight on that one. But I-I just want you to know that I wasn't running away. I refuse to run away, not now. Not when…"
"When what?" He prompts, frowning.
"Castle, I've never loved anyone so much as I love you."
The words are free from the confine of her chest like birds, fluttering wide and free.
"Kate."
The ferocity of her words set his heart ablaze with passion.
"I know that we're not really… Well, we are serious, of course this, us, is serious but…" Kate bites her lip. "We've never discussed anything future-wise and I know that you're trying to not scare me off, but Castle, I need to know what you want."
She stands there on the roof, in the gentle breeze, with the sun setting behind her, hair ablaze and saying all these words that make his heart constrict tightly in his chest, and he doesn't quite know how to respond.
"What- What I want?"
"Yeah, Castle. What you want. From this, from us."
"From us? I- I just want us, Kate, I don't see what you…"
"Oh." Kate's voice is quiet, meek. "Oh, okay."
Kate curls her arms around herself, tightly, as though she's her own anchor. Independent as ever. Hazel eyes staring down at the ground.
"So you didn't… I mean you didn't want to have… Kids? It… It worked out well for you that… That this happened?"
Didn't want-
Oh.
Oh.
"Kate, I didn't mean- God, I didn't mean it like that." He splutters, desperate.
Kate purses her lips, looking up at him curiously, hopeful. "You… Didn't?"
"I didn't…" He runs a hand down his weary face, chuckling. "We really need to work on our communication skills."
Tentatively, he takes another step towards her so that they're simply an arm's length apart from one another. The breeze picks up and once again that arrogant piece of hair sticks up, so he reaches up and once again tucks it behind her ear. She giggles at that, spreading a rosy tint across her cheeks as she tries to smother it by biting down on her lower lip. Doesn't bat his hand away. Allows him to draw closer to her and press his forehead against hers, sighing.
"You know as a kid, I always wanted the whole white picket fence and two point five children thing. Swore to myself that my kids would never be fatherless. And Alexis wasn't, but her mother was absent, if you could call it that. So I gave up on that dream." He feels her melt into him just that little bit more, hands raising to wrap around his forearms. "And then I met you and I fell in love with you and I knew that things wouldn't be as artificially perfect as I dreamt them to be, but I knew that whatever happened, no matter what, you'd make things perfect. We could have one kid or we could have seven and everything would still be just right. As long as I had you and you had me."
Kate's eyelashes flutter, wet and fat tears tangled in them. "Seven?" She chuckles softly. "You really think that I would have seven kids?"
"Well, it's all part of my evil plan to raise mad scientists in an effort to take over the world, but I'll explain that later."
Kate grins up at him, leaning in to give him a hesitant kiss. "Castle, I'm not saying that I'm gonna move in with you next week, or be pregnant in a month or… It's too soon. And it hurts too much. But I just… I want these things. Some day. I want these things with you."
Castle sighs, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her close. She's wearing sneakers so her head fits neatly under his chin, perfectly.
"I know." He says, pressing a kiss atop her head.
Her hands ball into fists on the small of his back, bunching into the fabric of his shirt. "It hurts, Castle. It hurts so much."
"I know." He says again.
And then he presses his face into her hair and breathes her in because she is alive, she is okay, and they still have a chance. And tomorrow will be easier, and tomorrow will make it hurt less.
But she's still hurting now. So is he. And with that thought in mind he tightens his grip on her waist and hoists her upwards, forcing her to wrap her legs around his hips and hold onto his neck tightly, eliciting a squeak of surprise from her. In any other situation the noise would be adorable.
"Castle- I'm not ready for-"
He chuckles. "Kate, you're exhausted, so am I. So we're gonna go downstairs and eat the Thai food my mother and daughter bought us, and then I'm gonna shower because quite frankly I stink, and then we're gonna sleep, okay?"
Kate sends a mock scowl in his direction even as he begins to carry her down the stairs towards his apartment. "You're an idiot." She says even as she rests her head on his shoulder.
"Yeah, but I'm your idiot."
"Don't try and be cute."
"You love me." He sings at her.
She swats his chest. "Shut up."
Miraculously, he manages to get the door to his loft open without hurting either of them. He closes the door behind him carefully with one foot, then approaches the kitchen area, where both his mother and daughter are still sat silently eating their dinner. Alexis blushes at the sight of the way he carries Kate.
"Oh, we-"
"Not what it looks like." He says, making Kate groan and hide her face in his neck. "She's tired."
Alexis blushes even more, ducking behind her red hair and nibbling on some moo shu pork.
Carefully, he sets Kate down on one of the island stools, who blushes furiously when she spots Martha and Alexis watching them both. She winces slightly, one hand pressing to her stomach.
"What's wrong?" He asks, hovering.
Kate shakes her head, pushing him away and towards a nearby stool. "Nothing. It just aches a little."
"Did you take any of the antibiotics the doctors gave you?"
"Castle, I don't need-"
"I'll go grab them from your apartment if you-"
Kate snags his sleeve, staring into his eyes. "I'm fine, Castle. I promise. It's not too bad, okay?"
"Kate…"
"Please, sit down? I-I just wanna eat… With my family." She blushes endlessly at that, but the sparkle in her eyes doesn't disappear.
He can sense Martha's and Alexis's eyes on the pair of them, so he sits down on the stool beside her, not for the first time in awe of her.
"Okay. Sure. Family." He says dumbly.
The emptiness in her eyes disappears for that one split moment, love spilling free as she smiles shyly and grabs one of the takeout boxes close to her.
And even though it's just for one split moment, it's enough to give him hope.
TBC