Chapter Four

When Mikey began to surface in his dream, something shook in the white place, and he was spun around until he found himself in his bedroom. No, not his bedroom. Close, though. Posters on the walls of superheroes he didn't know, empty pizza boxes, action figures lining the shelves…

On the bed, his counterpart sat shaking, looking exactly like he did after a nightmare. Leo's counterpart sat beside him arm around his shoulder. They were talking too softly for Mikey to hear, and he didn't want to hear anyway. Big Mikey had been crying.

Biting his lip, Mikey tried to pull back, but something stayed his legs. The rush of white noise lowered. Slowly, words began to reach him.

"…sorry, so sorry…have been so much better, you know? I was such an obnoxious self-absorb jerk…"

"…don't you dare say that about yourself, little brother. It's not fair to any of us. We are a family. We're a team."

"Yeah, but…at him. Look at all of them. They adore him. He's just as ridiculous and obnoxious and look at him!"

"Mikey…" And Big Leo cupped his chin and made him look up. "There was a while where you…yeah, you exasperated us, you irritated us, we probably would've shoved you off a cliff." And Big Mike hung his head and nodded, and Big Leo gripped his jaw tighter, "…but we always loved you. You always came through. No matter what was thrown at you, you never backed down, you never retreated without good cause, you always went in fighting. You loved us enough to take on the world. So why the guilt? Why the shame? Why now?"

There was a pause as Big Mike's unusual blue eyes and he stared into Leo's hazel eyes incredulously, and his aura flickered so painfully that Mikey winced. "Why? WHY? Leo, you…you don't see it? Are you shitting me? I'm nothing. Out of all our transdimensional counterparts, that one…he…he has more potential than….Leo, you see it, don't you? I'm nothing. I'm…I'm nothing."

Big Leo's hazel eyes widened so much that his sclera glittered. He grabbed his brother by the shoulders, fingers digging in so hard that Big Mike hissed and Mikey flinched. "Mike, you…why are you…stop saying that. Stop saying that. I don't know where this is coming from, but it's hurting me. I don't understand. Help me understand. Mikey, it's four in the morning, I heard you sobbing from a nightmare, I came in to soothe you, now you're…you're saying things I never thought I'd hear from you. What the hell, little brother? What is going on with you?"

Big Mikey's shoulders hunched and tensed, and he inhaled deeply before whispering, "It would've been better if Raph had hit me with that lead pipe. You shouldn't have stopped him."

There was complete silence. Mikey felt a panic attack strike him deep, and he still couldn't pull away back to his own mind. Big Leo sucked in a huge breath and got a look of utter horror, face twisting in a blend of expressions.

"No," he whispered. "No, Mike, no. Don't…no. No."

They sat frozen for several loud heartbeats. Big Leo sighed. "Remember…remember when I was so brooding and moody after what happened with Ch'rell? How I blamed myself for everything?"

Big Mikey managed a smirk. "Yup. And I told the guys to lay off you."

"Yeah. Yeah, you did. You were the only one who understood what I was going through, Mike. I never really thanked you. I was grateful for you. I can relate to you here. How you must feel…being faced suddenly with something beyond your control. I get it, you know."

Big Mikey bit his lip. "But you also were already a ninjitsu master and perfect and everything, so if only I had trained harder, gotten stronger, toughened up more…"

"Mikey, no."

"Become a big brooding badass like you were…"

"Mikey, no, no. Absolutely not. I was miserable. I never want that for you. I refuse to watch you do a 180 and turn into someone I couldn't even conceive of." He smiled gently. "Look, bro. For all your flaws, your self-absorption, you are more wonderful, more kind, more compassionate. You are selfless and loving. You always wanted to be a hero. You saved Klunk. You saved those orphaned kids. You've saved our lives countless times. You're an amazing ninja, a powerful athlete, a fantastic person."

Big Mikey was taking shuddering breaths, biting his lip hard. "I just…the things I saw in Little Me's head. I probably would never have…"

"Stop it," and Big Leo cupped his face in his calloused hands. "Stop putting yourself down. You don't deserve it and you don't need it, and your family doesn't either. You've got a little bit of Little Mikey buried in there, you just need to let him come out more. I've always seen it, that spark. I just never knew how to describe it."

Finally smiling, Big Mike wrapped his hands over Big Leo's. "I love you, Leo. You say the right things."

Leo smiled back and they bumped forheads."And Mikey…if I ever, ever hear you say you wish you weren't around, I will challenge you to a battle so fierce the Daimyo himself will have to intervene. Battle Nexus Champion."

This time, Big Mike giggled, sniffling, and Mikey let out a breath so huge he almost wondered if they could hear it through is astral body.

"I'm serious, Mikey." And Leo's eyes were burning. "Don't. Never ever. No. I won't let you. Please. Please, Mikey?"

Big Mikey twisted in his grip frowning. "I wanna go back to sleep, Leo, I'm tired."

Big Leo swallowed hard. "I'm staying with you. But later we're talking to Donnie and April."

"Fine. That's fine." And as Big Mikey lay on his side and as Big Leo lay next to him, hands shaking against his carapace, the world twisted. Mikey finally felt the force release him and he flew at blueshift speed into his own mind. Crying out, he yanked his body away from sleep. Klunk, the little orange cat, slid off his plastron and stared at him.

"Hzzzwhaa?" Raph had opened one sleep-glazed green eye. "Mikey, you okay? Bad dream?"

Hand to his plastron, Mikey breathed deeply. "Y-yeah. It's all good. I'm okay."

"Mrph," was the reply, and Raph's eye closed.

Mikey lay back down, which allowed Klunk to nuzzle his cheek. If he went back to sleep, if he even dreamed again, he didn't remember.

He woke up to the distant sounds of porcelain clattering, metal striking, wood hitting. Laughter and low murmured voices. The warmth of the little cat was long gone. His brothers were gone, futons made. Mikey stretched, yawned, growled at the fiery pain in his legs. Donnie was right; the Mako-Siggur designed braces really did help. When they returned home he owed Rhea and Freya hugs. He stood, wobbling, rolled his eyes, and shuffled out, trying to figure out the time. The psionics were sleepy, rolling around in the back of his head, stretching along neural pathways like cascades of candles.

Mikey stumbled into the kitchen, once he remembered where it was in this new place. A pair of very strong, very muscled arms steadied him, and he looked up into Big Raphael's amber eyes. Inadvertently, Mikey grinned his usual sunny smile. "Mornin, Raphie!"

"Don't call me that," Big Raph rumbled, like a reflex, but he kept one arm around Mikey, leading him to a chair. "We let you sleep in; your bros said you were having nightmares and pain or some shit."

Mikey blinked and glanced around. There was his Leo, and there were two Raphs and two Donnies, all smiling softly at him. In front of his Donnie were two large mugs of coffee. Donnie pushed one toward him. "Your ADHD medicine," he said. "Raph sensed you waking up so I made it. They have good chocolate syrup here."

Big Donatello grinned. "He makes the strongest coffee I've ever seen. I swear it waved hello."

"I mean," Donnie grinned, "We usually drink energy drinks. But Mikey and I are suckers for chocolate, so."

Mikey had already drank half his mug. "Mmmm, quiet brain."

His Leo pushed forward a plate of eggs and bacon. "Don – this world's Don – made breakfast. Eat up. We all train in an hour after this world's Leo and Mike finish practicing…whatever they were doing when we woke up."

Mikey blinked, suddenly remembering. The astral travel dream had been real after all. Big Mike had been serious about "getting tougher but not too much." He distracted himself with the rest of the coffee and then the eggs.

Moments after breakfast, Splinter, Big Leo, and Big Mike arrived in the kitchen. "I don't care, pastries count as second breakfast," Big Mikey was saying firmly.

"Good luck finding the Pop Tarts," Big Leo said, crossing his arms. "Raph hides them."

"They're in that cabinet up there," Mikey supplied, "way in the back on the left."

"Hey!" from Big Raph. "Oh really!" from Big Don.

"Mikey, stop helping Mikey tease Donnie!" Big Leo grumbled.

"I did not steal the last box, I promise," Big Don muttered, hands in the air.

Big Raph folded his arms. "They were chocolate chip."

"Exactly! I wanted strawberry frosted!"

Big Mike had started to climb on the counter. Mikey waved a hand slowly, and the cabinet door opened. Items shifted, and a familiar box floated down. "Hah!" Big Mike grinned. "Chocolate again! Thanks, Little Me!"

He hopped down, landing gracefully on his toes, and their blue eyes met. Mikey hadn't expected to see that deep sadness still swirling in his counterpart's eyes. His smile wavered, as did his counterpart's grin. Luckily, no one noticed.