A/N: I don't know what this is becoming, but I hope you'll all still be with me. You're so lovely, thank you for the favorites/following/reviews. I hope this is enough for the long wait.

Stay With Me

diddlybops

Nirvana, Chapter Four

I love her and I can't tell anyone. I can't even say it out loud to myself. I will never, ever get to say it to her stupid, dorky face. But I can write it down just this once. Maybe twice. I love her. I love Victoria freaking Vega.

Unbelievable.

Jade quickly crumbles the words scribbled onto the back of the map, stuffing it in her glove compartment before she slams it shut in frustration. She lets out a heavy sigh, resting back against the driver's side as she covers her face. She despises herself for writing it at a rest stop near Illinois, but she hates herself even more for feeling this way.

Beck is the one for her. There's no doubt in that, but little fucking Vega just crept up on her.

Her hands shake as she reaches out for the door, but it snaps back onto her lap, trapped between her legs. It's been a repeating thing.

Unlock the door. Pull the handle. Retreat. Lock the door. Brood.

Her stomach has been threatening to twist and convulse from nerves, almost resulting her to turn her car around and fucking drive as far as possible, but she's gone all this way to New York. She can't leave now.

All she needs is one night. Then she'll be on her way.

Her eyes cast back down to the wrinkled piece of paper sticking out from the compartment, seeing her name and Tori's on the map they made together.

That's it. That's all it takes for her to get out of her car and walk over to the venue. She doubles up on layers because New York City is so fucking bitingly cold. Plus she's definitely misjudged the weather when we decided to just leave to see Tori two nights ago.

Her boots carefully crunch over the ice and snow. She doesn't want to slip on her ass. That can't happen. With the weather and the slippery roads, she takes three times as long to get to the building she needs to be.

It's full on snowing, obstructing her vision and prickling cold against her skin. Her lips are probably blue by now but she's there under the neon lights. It reads some unknown popstar to her and underneath, Tori freaking Vega.

Jade lets out a sigh, a huff of a cold cloud blowing out as she does so. There she is-at the point of no return. If this wasn't an impromptu trip, she would have gladly gone to see Tori perform, but it's sold out. And if she was honest with herself she doesn't think she would be able to listen to Tori sing about her.

She knows what she's done. She broke Tori's heart. Everyone back at home knows that. That's why she doesn't keep in contact with anyone. Not even her sister.

Trina resents her for that, but she knows it isn't something she can force. Tori has to move on the way she wants to. If it means dropping off the radar entirely, so be it.

Everyone knows Jade is the reason Tori left-really left with no intentions of coming back. But they don't know exactly why. Except for Trina and Beck.

She had to be honest with Beck. She owed him that. Technically they weren't together at that time, but before they could try again, she told him the truth about that night with her and Tori.

He didn't take it well. Actually, that would be an understatement. He was angry and hurt and betrayed. Especially because Jade assured him over and over again on how he didn't need to feel threatened towards Tori because she never returned those feelings.

It was hell for a long time mending their relationship, but they're on the right track. They still stumble back sometimes, but they're learning to forgive each other for all the mistakes they've both made.

She doesn't know how long she's been standing in the alley, but there's a faint, "Jade?" behind her making her freeze. "What in the world are you doing here?" She's surprised and a little bit happy.

Jade's chest concaves that much at the sound of her voice. She's so hopeful and amazed, but it'll be short lived. There's a reason why she's here. It takes her a beat, but then she's turning around, meeting Tori's eyes. There's this gleam she's missed. It's been gone for a while. Way before the whole affair happened. "Oh, you know, I was just in the neighborhood…"

There's a laugh. It's so genuine and full that Jade can't enjoy it like she usually could. "Just in the neighborhood," Tori chuckles, giving Jade a small nod, taking the girl in entirely. Has it really been three months? It felt like a lifetime. "Jesus, you must be freezing. How long have you been out here?" The brunette says as she shrugs off her peacoat, much to Jade's protest, but she's wrapping it around her.

"Not too long. I just wanted to see you, Vega," Jade says. It looks bulky with Tori's grey coat over her light hoodie and leather jacket, but it does keep her warm. Holy, shit, she's so damn warm. It smells nice, too. It takes her somewhere, but she pulls back. She can't get caught up.

"So you drove all this way to see me? Through a blizzard? I mean, unless you and Beck are here for a vacation or something?" It's subtle, what Tori's asking, and Jade knows. Because they get each other. They get each other without much talking. It's all body language. Like how Tori tugs on her beanie and rubs her hands all over her arms. She's trying to keep herself busy, but her eyes and warmth are giving her away. She's trying not to look at Jade, but she's stepping just a little bit closer to the thespian.

She can't do this. She knows what this means for Tori. Hell, she's told her the dream so many damn times. She can't stomach this. She can't do this. "N-No. No," She says a little stronger when her voice gives out. "He's at home. It's just me."

Tori gets it. They're still together. Sure, it's pretty damn devastating thinking Jade-the girl she's madly in love with-didn't come here to finally confess a burning, passionate love she's always had for her. She gets it. Nothing will ever, ever, ever, ever break Jade and Beck's relationship. But she's here. Isn't that something? She didn't have to come see her, but she did. That's something she'll hold on to. "Gotcha... How long are you here for?"

They're walking now. Well, trying. The wind picked up and the large chunks of snow falling are starting to feel like hail. It's hard to hear, but they've found shelter at a crowded coffee shop.

"Just tonight, actually."

"Tonight? Flights are canceled and it's two in the morning. You're not going anywhere," Tori says, shaking her head. No way is she letting Jade out when the weather is in this condition.

"I drove…" Jade says, watching Tori closely. Her stomach feels weird. Like she's about to vomit because she's so goddamn nervous. She can't tell Tori. She seems so happy.

"You drove?" Tori asks again in shock. "Then you're definitely not going anywhere. It's a two day drive. You're resting tonight."

"Yeah? I'm resting tonight?" Jade quips back with a quirk of her eyebrow. Tori doesn't know it, but hell, she's making her feel more at ease. "What are you gonna do? Make me?"

"No. I can't make you do anything," The Latina smiles. She sure as hell can't make Jade love her. "But I'll bribe you. With good food and great wine." Maybe the alcohol bit isn't the best idea. The last time they got drunk together, they had sex. She's still pretty guilty about that. She never forgot what Jade said to her the morning after their affair, but being away from her, she realized how much her life sucks without her. This very well may be the last time they could properly be together before they move on and do their own thing. "Just food, probably. I've gotten pretty good at cooking."

"You? Good at cooking? You couldn't salvage anything edible after you attempted to cook," Jade doesn't give an answer yet. It's not a good idea to stay, but the storm is raging on. If they can clean the streets of the piles of snow, then she'll leave.

"Yeah, babe, you just throw a bunch of things in."

"I'm not sure that's how it works."

"You're probably right, but there's only one way to find out," The singer raises an eyebrow at the girl before her. She can tell Jade's a little uncomfortable or nervous. "Look, you don't have to stay the night, okay? At least not at my place, but can I at least book you a room at a hotel? It's really not safe, Jade. And trust me, I'd find us a nice restaurant, but I highly doubt we can find a place this last minute. You came here all this way for some reason and you found me. Can I please make you dinner? My roommates will be home and everything. It won't be weird."

She should just say no. Why can't she? She should just say what she needs to say and be on her way. Simple, isn't it? "It won't be weird. It's fine. Let's go, okay?" Jade says as they grab their mugs. Cappuccino for Tori, green tea for Jade. Then they're on their way out. Luckily, Tori's loft isn't too far away.

"I wish you told me you were coming by. I would have made an itinerary full of fun things to do in New York!" Tori beams, looking at the bright city before her. It's so full of life. And busy. She needs busy or she'll be left alone with her thoughts way too often.

"I would have, but you don't seem to pick up the phone for anyone back at home."

"Fair enough."

Then they're shuffling into Tori's building, shrugging off the heavy snow built over their shoulders and boots. They get to the loft and Jade's handing the coat back to Tori, "Thank you for that."

Tori nods, putting it away before she calls out. "Ames! I want you to meet someone!" She says, knocking on her roommate's door before she peels back with a groan. "She's with her girlfriend. Sorry." She says, moving around. Without all the distractions, they can really feel the tension, especially because they're practically alone in her apartment, so she's moving over to turn on the record player in the living room.

Unbeknownst to Tori, Jade's shaking to the bone. Just fucking say it, you coward, Jade tells herself, willing to just say something, but she was never brave like Tori. She could never just bare her heart out and take risks. So what she does is sit by the island in the kitchen to wait for the perfect opportunity.

Tori offers her a drink and all that hospitality stuff, but all she wants is a water and that's what she gets. "So… How've you been?" The little Latina asks her, washing her hands by the sink before she's taking out the pasta and chicken, preparing everything.

"I've been okay. What about you?"

"Better..."

"Any girls up here?" Jade smiles a bit as Tori passes them both a bowl of salad. She eats it absently, looking at the woman before her.

"Some... But no one worth mentioning."

"Have you... Moved on?"

Tori's quiet for a while. There have been some girls, but they're not like Jade. They'll never be like Jade. Maybe that's what she should aim for. "Yeah... No..." She smiles to herself, playing with her food. "I mean, I've been doing okay. Hit some rough spots here and there. Out of sight, out of mind, right? But then you show up... And I'm not too sure anymore." She shrugs quite heavily before taking a sip of her beer and then she's making the Alfredo sauce. "You'd understand if you've loved someone like you. I'm sure Beck feels the same about it. Well... You love Beck. And how I kind of love you, it's like that. You wouldn't be able to get over him if you two broke it off, right?"

"Right..." Jade chokes out a little. That's all she can say. She can't love Tori. It's not an option. So she pushes it down further. So much further. Tori makes her lose control. Jade doesn't like losing control. Being with Tori is too much for her to handle. It's too reckless. But with Beck, it's different. She feels safe. He can't hurt her like Tori can.

"Don't worry. I'm actually trying. I'm nearly there. I'll call you up when it happens and we'll go out and celebrate. Everyone's happy..." Tori smiles at Jade, finally looking at her. She never does anything with half of heart. So when Tori loves, it's full on. When she's hurt, oh, man, she's hurting.

In some ways, Jade doesn't want that to happen. To be loved by Tori is far more than anyone. Even Beck. To be loved by Tori, it's pure, exciting and out of control and something so childish. Special. But that's not what she wants for herself. She's too afraid for that. Besides, what good can come from a love like that? It's dangerous. She's always been the one to be sure of herself and to know where she's going. Being with Tori will destroy all that.

She won't lose who she is. Not for someone who'll just ruin her.

"I'm pregnant."

She didn't mean to blurt it out, but she figured it was the only way she could actually say it. It was quick and rushed and shaken, but Tori caught on. She always does.

Then it's still.

It's just the sound of the pasta boiling and Jade's fidgeting that is coherent.

Tori's rooted to the floor. What's she meant to say? Is that why Jade's here? Because she's scared? Every time something happens with Beck and Jade, she's running to her. What does she want? Another affair? To hurt her even more?

Her hands have gone numb and her knees… How are they still holding her up? She feels heavy, but completely hollow underneath.

Her eyes quickly switch over to Jade, but at her stomach. She's wearing a simple, nice blouse. It's hardly noticeable, but it's there.

She averts back to the pot.

It's a baby. It's a beautiful baby growing inside of Jade and then when it's here, it'll call Jade mom and Beck dad. Like a family. Something she's always wished for with Jade.

It doesn't matter how often she's convinced herself of how pure and lasting Beck and Jade's love was. She knew they would never part. But like every stupid thing she's ever done in her life, she had this sliver of hope that one day, one day, it'll be her and Jade's time to fall in love.

Hell, it was the only thing she clung onto whenever she'd have the courage to leave her bed.

Where does she go from here?

"Congratulations, Jade. I'm so very happy for you," She forces a smile and busies herself with cooking. "Why aren't you excited? It's a lovely thing-"

"It's yours, Tori…" Jade says softly, trying to get Tori to just look at her, but the latter doesn't quite know if she meant she wasn't excited because it's hers or if she's just letting her know.

It seeps in and then she meets Jade's eyes. She's confused and shocked. "N… How do you mean it's mine? We… We used… Didn't we?" How did she miss this?

Jade just shakes her head, looking down.

Tori's sat down now, head in her hands as she tries to process this. It's hers. That's… Exciting, isn't it? Scary, of course, but it's a baby. A baby that's half of her and half of Jade! But she doesn't look too happy, so why is she here? "Hold on… What did Beck say? Does he know?"

"Of course he knows!" Jade says defensively. "I wasn't going to go around and pretend it was his the whole time! I'm not that awful, Vega." She spits out. How dare she? "I stuck around and dealt with the affair while you ran off like a coward." Coward. Ironic, isn't it?

Tori's baffled, "You told me to leave! You didn't want me around! You don't love me, remember? And you never will! Why the hell should I have stayed, Jade?!" The brunette says, abandoning her cooking as she turns everything off once it's done. She recites Jade's words three months ago nearly precisely. It's the only thing she could remember besides the one night stand, although some bits were hazy. Like the condom thing. "I was doing the both of us a favor. You didn't want me around and I couldn't bare the thought of you and Beck after everything that happened."

Brown eyes start to well up with tears. As much as Jade has cried in front of Tori, she's never seen her do the same. It was always hidden. It's an awful thing to witness because she always thought the girl was so strong and brave, unlike her. No matter how awful Jade could be to Tori, she thought the Latina could bounce back. That's one thing she always loved about Tori. She could be herself around the singer, no matter how mean she could be. She would just push back. But this isn't the same. "Tori…"

"So what did Beck say?" She asks, interrupting whatever excuse Jade could come up with. Nothing could ease her. Probably never. Her heart is hammering against her chest. When will it stop? How's it keeping her alive all this time?

"He didn't want it…"

"And you're keeping the baby?" Tori asks. Please don't give it away, she begs.

"It's my baby, Tori. I couldn't... I couldn't abort it..."

"And Beck's okay with that?"

"No... But he will be. He just needs some time to get used to it."

Tori scoffs. It was either that or cry.

Here she is, with arms wide open, begging the girl to just love her back, but that'll never happen. She's unzipped and raw for Jade. Her defenses are at her feet, but it only makes Jade hurt her more.

She'd rather love the guy who hurt her so many times. He doesn't even want their kid. If the roles were reversed and the baby was Beck's she wouldn't hesitate to take care of it as her own.

That's not the case, though.

She made a baby with Jade and she still isn't worth a chance.

Jade doesn't love Tori. When will it seep into her thick head?

"Why did you have sex with me that night, Jade?" It's small, but determined and Tori's pretty damn proud of herself for keeping the tremble in her voice at bay. "It wasn't because you gave a shit about me, so why did you?"

"Tori... You're my best friend-"

"Don't say that. We were never friends," The Latina shakes her head, gritting her teeth. They looked at each other way to long to be just friends. "What are you scared of?"

Jade's going to lie. Of course she will. She takes a different approach. Maybe if she says what needs to be said, Tori can move the hell on with her life. Without her. "I was drunk! You know that. I don't know why I had sex with you, Tori. I shouldn't have. Especially if I knew I'd fall pregnant with your kid!" The her voice resonates around them. It's still, aside from the record scratching and playing in the background as the wind from outside howls loudly, the building settling from the cold weather. Hell, she believed herself for a second. "I was... Angry at Beck. A-And you were there. I'm sorry."

Tori doesn't have it in her to keep it together. She's been pretending for so long and it's so agonizingly painful. She was always taught to just go through life terribly honest and to never be deterred from the awful world they live in or let them take away her soft, but what's the point?

She's been proven time and time again that people will just take advantage of that. How foolish of her to keep herself open and raw for everyone to see.

The girl she fell madly in love with doesn't feel the same. Not even a little. That little sliver of hope she kept at the back of her mind was gone. It was useless and pretty damn stupid of her to keep that. She fabricated this idiotic idea on her entire life.

Love doesn't exist, not for her, at least.

She tells herself not to cry. It's a mantra in her head, but her whole body fails her; the slump of her shoulders, the furrow of her eyebrows and the tremble of her lower lip. "You knew... Jade. Everyone knew how I felt about you. And you just..." She breaks down, then, as she holds onto her chest, trying to get her breathing on track, but it's so hard. "I h-hate you... I hate you s-so much." She says, though she chokes on the stuttered hitches in her breaths. She turns away from Jade, not wanting her to see as she bites back the whimpers and whines threatening its way out.

Jade couldn't watch after seeing the look of utter devastation and defeat on Tori's face. It's so foreign, but she caused it. So she grabs her jacket and bag and slips out. Her hands shake as she runs down the steps. She could've taken the elevator, but that means being still and forced to be with the guilt, so instead she's keeping herself busy as she reaches the lobby, out of breath. She runs to the door, but instead of it pushing through, she reverberates back. "No..." She says, shoving the door, but it doesn't budge.

She looks out the window, seeing a thick pile of snow against the door, everything's iced over. She uses her shoulder to try and get it to move, but it's futile. She slumps against the floor, covering her face. What did she just do?

It takes a while and a lot of convincing for Tori to finally calm. She's curled up against the kitchen island, rocking back and forth to soothe herself. It worked when she was a kid and a little now.

Then it dawns on her. She's having a baby. With Jade. A baby. That's who should be her main priority. Not Jade, not finding love, but the baby. Her baby.

Jade could be miles away from now. Or maybe she got hurt. She might have fallen and slipped on ice! Why did she let her go?

She should be able to catch her, so she quickly gets up and runs down the ten flights of stairs, but skids against the floors when she sees Jade hunched against the door, holding her stomach. "Jade..."

"The building's closed in," The girl says, not bothering to look up. Of course it's Tori. It's always Tori, isn't it? "I checked all the doors. No exit."

"That's fine. You can have my room, Jade," Tori says, walking towards her, but she gives her enough space. Their eyes are red and puffy. They're tired.

Jade gets up with the help of Tori. There's still a jolt of electricity when their palms connect, but what does it matter now? "I'm so sorry, Tori," Jade says, enveloping Tori in a hug, her hand cupped at the nape of her neck as the other wraps around and grips onto her shoulder.

Tori goes stiff, but after a while her arms circle around her waist. Her eyes start to water again, but they sting too badly to cry. "Hey, don't be sorry. I'm sorry. I'm the one that got you pregnant. Okay?" Tori pulls back, gently holding Jade's chin to look at her. The love of her life. "I get it. You love Beck and it'll always be Beck. But I love you. And whether you like it or not, we made this baby together. I'm moving back home and I'll help."

"Tori-"

"I want to. Please don't take our baby away from me," She's begging and Jade knows that. She'd never do that to Tori, so she shakes her head and nestles the Latina's chest and lets herself be held by the only person who's truly loved her.

They stay like that and so did Tori's heart. She remembered what Amy told her a while ago.

Loving someone who cannot love you the same way in return is not weakness. It's one of the most courageous things you'll ever do. You are putting your armor at their feet and you are saying, "I will not fight you in this. I have loved you and that means that I have already won".

She doesn't feel like she's winning at all.

A/N: Do you guys ship this AU Jori? Sometimes I'll read a fanfic and think they don't really ship well. Let me know how to correct it. Also, what should happen during the snow storm? I haven't a clue, so give me ideas.

Review, please. Hopefully the next update won't be long again.

xxxx