Chapter 4

A/N: As I said before motherhood is not in my life's agenda as the very idea of pregnancy revolts me. I hope however that I am showing some degree of sensitivity to readers who may have miscarried. I hope to do no less considering I am placing the narrative in the hands of the gentle sensitive loving widower of the woman in question.

The sunlight penetrated the curtains and Edith lay awake with Anthony's good arm around her.

She had been deeply moved by Anthony's compassion towards his late wife but more than anything she had felt close to him; especially when he had got the photograph out and then sobbed in her arms. Edith had seen men cry before, back in the days when Downton had been a military hospital a lot of the soldiers had cried for lost friends and comrades- in-arms but a lot of the time they had cried when they thought no one else was there. But none of them had been Edith's beloved husband and she wished she had been there to comfort him when he had first returned home with his injury.

After Anthony had composed himself Edith had taken him gently by the hand and led him upstairs where she had undressed him with even more fondness than usual. He had been emotionally drained so had fallen asleep quickly with her arms around his strong warm body. She had lain awake for a while thinking about what he had told her and then drifted off.

Anthony opened his eyes and immediately reached for her. She had kissed him gently.

"My darling Lady Strallan," he said, "I pray to god that what happened to Maud never befalls you; I could not bear for you to be so pained,"

"Thank you," she whispered, "I really do love you and more than anything I want to bear you a child. I want a little boy with enormous blue eyes and blonde hair just like his father."

"You are such a comfort to me, darling Edith. If only you had been here waiting for me when I first came home I think that the terrors would have been scared away by the light of your smile."

"That's a beautiful thing to say," she gasped.

"I have some more estate business to deal with today," he said, "but this evening I will carry on with the story."

"Alright my darling," she whispered as she nuzzled his chest with her coppery hair. He laughed.

"What's so funny?" she asked.

"You're tickling me," he replied.

OO

Edith went for a drive that afternoon while Anthony was busy. She returned at the same time and they dressed for dinner although they had no guests. Edith was ready quicker because Anthony needed his valet's help. She stood in the library looking at Anthony's two wedding photographs.

"He loved her very much," said a voice behind her. Edith turned to see the faithful old butler, "if you don't mind my saying so you have done him the world of good, my lady."

"He's done me good too," she smiled, "and you have no cause to worry because I will love and care for your master until my dying breath because he is everything to me."

"He never talks about her, you know; the late mistress I mean,"

"He is beginning to," Edith told him, "He told me a lot last night and I comforted him."

"I knew you would be the one to help him break free from the cycle of despair and misery that has blighted us since her death. We were all deeply fond of our late mistress and when he brought you home as his bride we dared to hope."

"I will do everything I can to help him," Edith promised, "And you may refer to her as Lady Strallan because she held that title before I was even born."

OO

Dinner was a quiet sombre affair.

Afterwards Edith walked into the library. She had asked the butler to provide some snacks and drinks and asked him not to disturb them because the master needed to talk.

Edith slipped her arm around her husband's waist. In the soft light she noticed that there were grey hairs among the blonde but it made him look nobler and more distinguished than ever. Her fingers lightly caressed the small of his back.

He was looking at Maud's and his wedding photo with tears in his blue eyes. Edith was silent; not wishing to derail his train of thought. He suddenly snapped out of his reverie and poured himself a drink as well as some wine for her and he lightly pressed the fragile stem of the wine glass into her hand.

They sat down and he instinctively drew her to him as they kissed tenderly.

Edith held his hand.

"For a few months after the first miscarriage she shared my bed and we comforted one another as I told you last night. We refrained from making love for I was anxious that her body have time to heal as well as her mind. One night in the winter of eighteen ninety-nine she surprised me by waking me and whispering that she felt ready to try again. Tears filled both our eyes as she implored me to make love to her; needless to say I obliged."

Edith pressed close, knowing that he was far away in his own past.

"In March of the following year she miscarried again and you already know how she felt about it because of what you read. I was desolate; I had hoped that the turn of the century would herald an heir. I did not function for two whole days and all I could do was cry. I knew she blamed herself and that hurt more than anything because she was not to blame. She had not been careless or acted in any way that could possibly have endangered an unborn child. Once again she shared my bed and we comforted each other. As time passed she grew stronger physically and emotionally and she allowed me to make love to her more often. She had this way of looking at me out of her green eyes that always melted and aroused me," he held Edith tightly, "I apologise my darling, I should not have been so insensitive talking about the physical side of my marriage to another woman. What on earth must you think of me? I am so sorry,"

Edith held him close as she nuzzled his neck and shoulder with heartfelt affection.

"It's alright my darling; it meant something to you as did she and I really don't mind because I love you. Had our positions been reversed I have no doubt you would have spoken as fondly and emotively to her about me,"

"Hand on heart I would, my darling," he held her hand.

OO

He told about Maud's third miscarriage in the autumn of nineteen hundred and one. She could feel his painful desolation and, through him, she sensed Maud's despair too. She felt deeply for the woman even though she herself had never been pregnant much less miscarried. To lose three babies so early on must have been emotionally devastating.

Anthony poured them both another drink and picked up a salmon sandwich which he consumed quietly before continuing.

"In late spring of nineteen hundred and two we found out she was pregnant for the fourth time and prayed for a different outcome and by god we got one.

She remained in bed for most of the pregnancy not wanting to tempt fate; concerned that being active had caused her previous three miscarriages. She looked radiantly beautiful throughout and I loved her more than ever. I longed for the arrival of my heir but had no idea then just what it would cost me."

Tears streaked his face and Edith gently brushed them away with her warm fingers. She held him close, soothing his sobs. She was so proud of him for confronting his pain and began to realise that he had obviously not been ready before; the shock and grief must have numbed him. What was it he had said? "I soon realised all the tears in the world would not bring her or my son back so I put a lid on my feelings and threw away the key."

He looked into her eyes; wishing he could take both of her hands in both of his.

"It's late my darling and we are getting to the most harrowing part; the night Maud and my son died. I want to ask if you will drive me to Downton churchyard so I may visit their grave one last time before I finally lay the matter to rest."

"Of course I will my darling," she kissed him.

"Thank you," he whispered, "it is something I should have done a long time ago,"