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-o0o- Chapter Four -o0o-

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-o0o- Candid And Halting Pride -o0o-

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-o0o- The First Mission Begins -o0o-

-o0o- Part I -o0o-

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Sniffling, Allen wiped the tears from his eyes, body shaking violently. He hid under the bed covers, lying on his stomach with his face re-burying itself in his pillow. The best he could manage to even come close to distract himself was thinking about how it was possible for tears to fall from your eyes when your eyes were closed. It shouldn't be right that they crawled underneath you eyelids and streamed down your cheeks. It wasn't fair. Allen didn't want to cry. He didn't want to think about it-the cause of them or the tears in general. But the events recently have stressed him out. So many emotions filled him and he couldn't release them. No... Releasing such emotions, to let out such opinions, it would be... it would be satanic. It would be a mortifying pagan! He would be punished... Because Leverrier was so strict and near impossible to evade.

No emotions.

No real identity.

You (Allen) are not a person.

You (Allen) are not a mere child.

You (Allen) are a soldier - not even that honestly - thus have no say.

You are a shadow.

You are a tool.

Allen is a weapon.

And weapons don't have beliefs. They have no mouths. They can't see; they obey their masters, their controllers. There's no mind in a sword. There aren't any opinions that need to be shared because there weren't any to begin with. Allen was, without question and in th eyes of those around him, not human. He was a weapon in human form, but not human. Must obey, must obey, must obey! That's all he hears. He never has a choice. If he were to defy them, then he would be punished. Allen tries with all his might to avoid punishments while keeping a grip of himself and his heart, but it's impossible. He's slipping and it was kinda sick. He knows they think of him as a weapon, but yet they continue to treat him as human, ask him questions like "Are you alright?" and they don't care. They don't mean it. They just want to know that their tool wasn't broken, that it didn't need to be "fixed".

His choices were Leverrier's. HIs actions weren't... entirely his own. His will was crumbling and he kept in mind why he chose to stay, to not try to run away. He had a goal and he knew, even as a foolish and likely selfish brat, that he may have to lose everything important to him. But he wanted... He wanted so badly to hope he had been wrong to an extent. He wanted to remember at least, who he was compared to who he is (now) and how he will be in the future... If he had one. He just didn't want to lose that! He wanted to have a loose grip on the reality, but it was so hard. So, so, terribly hard.

What made him slip more were the dreams. Not just any ordinary dreams. They were fragments of his past and the remnants of memories. The old... and the new. If he didn't have dreams about all the fascinating and wonderful times he had with his dear old foster-father, it was nightmares that haunted him during the night and the day after about that night and about his death. Others were of his new memories. They were about the Black Order, the CROW, the Akuma, the War, the Innocence... The blood. His assignments. It was horrible. He wished for one night he could have a dreamless slumber. A peaceful night that would be.

But he wasn't crying because of the control the Black Order had over him. Actually, their control, perhaps, was exaggerated. He knew what they thought of him, but they had little control. Allen possessed his body, not them. They could not force him to speak of something or to act a certain way. Allen had the choice. He had the choice and he made it, but his mind, as mentioned before, was slipping into the abyss. They believed they had control over him... and perhaps they had some, but this wasn't why he sobbed.

It was another dream. And he thought about seeking someone out. Anyone! But would they listen ? Would they truly care? They weren't his family. Hell! He had no damn family! Of course they wouldn't care. So he told nobody. He told no one what he thought of his last assignment-the in which only he was able to walk away from. Alive. It was scary. Allen was only 13. Just a kid. Yet he had to witness such horrific scenes. He had to feel such grueling experiences. The blood, oh, the blood! It taunted him! It was like a wake-up call to him. He wanted to fight, but he seemed to have forgotten what fighting meant. War. This was a war.

Allen was in a war. The blood taunted him because he knew he'd someday soon be covered in blood, his own and others. One day he would die. He knew somehow that the death of him would be this war. This Sacred War. But he couldn't run away. Not because of the Black Order was a threat. Because Allen wanted to fight. Though he feared... He feared the enemy. he feared his death. He feared the pain. He feared the blood. He feared himself! Yet he chose to fight. Not because he needed to, because he wanted to.

But the blood.

Allen, hesitant and petrified, tossed his blanket off him and lay on his back. Slowly he let his eyes open and he stared at his shaky hands, continuing to sob as silently as he could force himself to. He blinked. His small eyes had to adjust to the darkness and when it did his eyes widened. It wasn't just his hands, no, it wasn't just his hands. It was everywhere, everything.

Blood.

Hot liquid called blood, fresh and wet, stained his hands. His body. The blood painted his bed and blankets. Bodies-wait-corpses linger around the floor with pools of blood around them, underneath them. It was all flowing towards him and covering him.

Allen screamed.

With a small jump, Allen's eyes shot open as the train whistle sounded through the used-to-be silent air. He searched the train compartment, still leaning against the wall. Everyone else was awake and gone. Save Lenalee. She gazed at Allen, noticing he jumped, startled. Allen suspected she has been staring at him for a long time though. Allen sat up, wincing as his back and neck cracked, both rigid and stiff. His upper body ached while his lower body felt numb. He wasn't used to sitting down for so long. He wasn't used to train rides either.

"Where is everyone?" Allen asked softly, staring at Lenalee with sleep still in his eyes and she found a sweet, tender look in his expression. It kinda made her think he was a little cute, like a young child, and blushed lightly. "Miss Lee, where are the others?"

"Oh, um, some things happened and the guys decided to get some air. This is the last stop before we arrive at our destination, so no worries. They'll be back before then." Lenalee answered, offering a smile.

Allen nodded curtly, blinking, covering his mouth as he yawned. He knew he wasn't acting conspicuous, but he felt strange. It was like his bizarre dream had been a reality. Lenalee was also looking at him strangely. Blinking one last time, Allen gazed out the window, sitting up as a straight as possible. Somehow it isn't too surprising to hear that. Those Exorcists seem so tense. At least, two of them do.

"Hey, Al-Walker! Walker is everything alright? You... seem a little spooked." Lenalee said, concerned.

Allen nodded. "I'm just fine."

The train station began to disappear. The next stop wasn't far away and Allen kept track of the minutes. Soon enough, Lavi and Suman returned and right before the train stopped, Kanda arrived to get his suitcase. Allen waited for the others to leave the compartment before he got up and followed them. Mittenwald was a rather... Not large, but long town. Unfortunately, they had to walk from one end of the busy town to the other side where the forests were. It took some time, but luckily it was morning and not as busy as it could have been. When they got to the edge of town they found a sign post.

Kanda kneeled down in front of the sign and studying signs. One board pointed to the right with Mitterwald written on it, but the sign with Dankern was broken and the sides had no point. Assuming the signs were right, Allen thought, Dankern would be to their left, however, he believed that wasn't the case. Although, this was his first time on an assignment with other Exorcists, so he thought he would just sit back and watch them work to see if they were efficient or not, to see if they were dependable. He just wanted to see how they work basically. Observing them wasn't bad and it's not like he wasn't going to help them. But something told him there was more to their investigation in Dankern than they first thought.

"You wouldn't be heading to Dankern village now?" an old lady asked, stepping in front of Kanda. "Well then, I certainly wouldn't rely on these signs to get you there. I switch them up to keep people from going there."

And Allen's suspicions seems to have been proven fact.

"Why would you do that?" Lenalee asked, perplexed.

"Our destination is just beyond Dankern village." Allen said quietly, and again, tone drained of any emotions. "We would greatly appreciate it if you would tell us which way we must go to Dankern."

The old lady fixated her eyes on Allen, staring up at him with a quirked eyebrow. "I suppose you haven't heard the rumors about Dankern have you?"

"Actually, we have." Allen whispered, eyeing the path to his right. "Is that the path that will lead us to Dankern?"

"Aren't you a smart one?" She mused aloud, smiling weakly as she stared down the right path. "That path will lead you to Dankern village. But do not go!"

"Sorry to disappoint you."

Allen walked down the path, following Kanda and Suman who had already taken off. Lenalee and Lavi reluctantly trotted after them, sharing a look of disdain. Behind them, the old lady was yelling more warnings. Most of which should have been ignored, but Allen listened anyway.

"I'm warning you! Turn back now! The Forest of No Return is no joke kids! If you go you'll disappear just like those three men dressed all in white! I'd force you to listen to me but you aren't paying attention!" She sighed. "Stubborn kids."

Men... dressed all in white. Allen thought, closing his eyes. Finders?

The quietness was slightly disturbing to Lavi. They had been walking for only ten minutes and the path was getting more narrow despite there being plenty of room. He knew Kanda and Suman probably enjoyed this silence, but he could tell Lenalee was uneasy. As for Allen, he couldn't tell. That everlasting look of nothingness was there and he gave no signs of distress or irritation. He was sort of relaxed, but that may have been a deceptive appearance. Lavi didn't wnat to try to focus on Allen. His goal was to end the silence. But the only topic that struck him was the old lady and the village...

"Can you believe that old lady did that?" Lavi asked, trying to end the nerve-racking silence.

"She was only trying to protect people. I think she had the right idea." Lenalee told him, smiling. "It was a wonderful notion. I just feel bad about not heeding her warnings."

"You'll get over it." Allen whispered from the back of the group, walking a good ten feet away from them. "Didn't you hear what she said to us before we left?"

"Men dressed in white coats..." Kanda answered, just to be a smartass.

"The Finders?" Lenalee asked.

"Precisely." Allen opened his eyes, scoping the area slowly. "The dossier mentioned one Finder, one in particular that would go with Dark. There weren't any details about two others."

"The Finders could have just been passing through." Lenalee suggested.

"It seems too unlikely to be a coincidence."

"I actually agree with you, but it makes no difference." Suman muttered.

"I suppose not. It's just questionable."

Allen slowed down, listening to everything around him. There weren't any out-of-the-oridinary sounds. The birds were faintly chirping and the small breeze rustled the leaves and branches, but there weren't any unusual sounds. He couldn't see anything suspicious. The warm sun shined above and its rays smacked against Allen's body, seeping into the fabric and making it hotter and hotter with each second as the sun continued to rise. Why was it that he had to wear black? Was it because of the name Black Order? And just as he was about to completely relax, something happened.

His left eye reacted. He saw an apparition of a mummfied soul hovering in the air behind some trees. Allen blinked, stopping all movement. He wasn't the only one either. Kanda had done the same and it caused everyone else to react. Allen saw the Akuma coming closer and closer, very quietly, and then it screamed, targeting Kanda with an axe raised above his head. Allen took note of Kanda's quick speed as he unsheathed his sword and used the hilt to hit the "man". Everyone else put their guard up, but in the end, as the Akuma shed its skin and turned around to attack again, Kanda had been the one to destroy it, activating his Innocence.

"An Akuma?" Allen heard Lavi whisper.

"It sh-" Allen stopped, turning around quickly as he heard a twig snap, confused as to why his eye wouldn't have picked up another Akuma. That's when he caught sight of the uniform the person was wearing as he cowered behind a tree, saying something about not hurting him. "Are you a Finder?"

"Y-yes! But everyone just calls me Goz."

A tall and broad man peeked out from behind the tree. Many thoughts ran through everyone's heads, but they kept it to themselves. "I was sent here to investigate Dankern, but my companions and I were attacked by some Akuma. The other two died. I thought it was only a matter of time before they got me too. I'm so glad to see you!"

"Right." Suman uttered, walking off. "Let's just get a move on. I would like to begin my assignment as soon as possible."

"O-oh, right."

Goz walked beside Allen, laughing nervously. "So, uh, what's your names?"

"I'm Lenalee." Allen looked at the girl as she spoke. That smile she had on quickly fell off as Goz ran in front of her with a gleam in his eyes. "Y-yes?"

"Lenalee? As in the Exorcist with Dark Boots! I've heard so much about you and, well, I've heard a lot about all of the Exorcists. Especially Kanda." Allen inwardly laughed as he saw Kanda stiffen. "I'm really a big fan of him! And you too Lenalee!"

"We couldn't tell." Kanda grumbled.

"And that friendly person was Kanda." Lavi chuckled. "Hey, Goz, I'm Lavi! And that other irritated-looking man is Suman Dark." Lavi offered his hand to which Goz gratefully shook-violently. Lavi merely continued to laugh. "Wow, Goz! You got one hell of a grip!"

"If you don't mind, we should get this investigation over with. We must find the Generals as quickly as possible and every wasted minute could mean the loss of another Exorcist." Allen said, words cold as he brushed past Lavi and Goz. "And frankly you're wasting that time."

"What the hell, Allen? We were just introducing each other! Get over it." Lavi replied tersely.

"But he does have a valid point." Suman muttered, following the white-haired point.

"As much as I hate to say it, I agree with them." Kanda grumbled, stalking off.

Goz rubbed the back of his head. "Sorry guys! My bad." He jogged after them.

"Actually, Goz, we should be apologizing to you about their behavior." Lenalee whispered, patting his back gently. "They're rough around the edge but they're great people."

"We don't know that about Allen though." Lavi remarked.

"Lavi!"

"It's true! We've known him two days!"

"Who is Allen?" Goz asked.

Lavi stared at Allen's back, contemplating. How was he to answer that? Sure, Goz just wanted to know who he was, perhaps he was hoping to have heard the name before, but Lavi greatly doubted that. Through and through, Lavi had to wonder. Who is Allen? Really? The mien he had was scary at first, but later on, it was aggravating, mostly because Lavi couldn't figure him out. The kid was really good at hiding behind a mask. Can we really call Allen a comrade? Can we trust him? Lavi asked himself. Was Allen's comradeship permanent? Was it real? Was it even there?

"That white-haired boy in front, that's Allen Walker. He's a new comrade, to us at least. According to him he's been at Central for nearly five years, but we've never seen nor heard of him before." Lenalee explained, pointing at Allen. "He's not expressive."

"Allen... Walker... That name sounds familiar." Goz mumbled, staring at Allen, then realization flickered in his one visible eye and he ran up to Allen. "Oh, I have heard of you! You worked with the Finder Toma on an assignment three years ago! Right? Allen?"

Allen looked up at Goz, his thin lips moving downwards. "Toma?" he repeated. "I'm afraid I don't remember. I've been on too many assignments to remember everyone's name and face." Allen walked past Goz, but the man persisted and ran in front of him again. "We need to get moving. The sun will eventually set and you're stalling is only going to get us lost here at night."

"Hang on a few minutes. Toma had these bandages covering face and he... Well, he's a very pleasant guy. He told me about you. He said you were... just a child when he first worked with you and that you had this very special ability with your left eye. I can't quite remember all the details, but he said you wer-"

"I don't remember. Now if you will please step aside, Goz." Allen said quietly, but there was something dangerous about his still vacant and empty demeanor. "Don't make me repeat myself and if I have to, I will remove you from your spot in front of me. Do you understand?"

Goz slowly stepped aside and Allen briskly walked by. "Thank you."

Allen sighed, tightening his grip on his small suitcase. I thought I told you not to tell anyone about me Toma. Why would you break a promise? Allen narrowed his eyes, staring at Goz from the corner of his eyes. It's nice to know he's still alive. I wonder if I'll see him again.

After awhile, Allen spotted some more Akuma approaching them. Maybe the group had been too loud? Nevertheless, Allen kept quiet. He wanted to see their reaction. If it was anything like it was last time, it'd be slow. Sure enough, he was right. A group of men, all carrying axes, surrounded them. The other Exorcists had suspected them to be humans except Kanda. They didn't completely shed their skin, but the skin basically disintegrated and turned to the color of gray clay with a gun barrel sticking out of their heads or arms. He felt someone, Goz he noticed, hit his back.

"Hey! We're just passing through. We don't mean any trouble."

"But trouble is exactly what they want." Kanda whispered, unsheathing his sword again. "Mugen, activate."

Allen prepared to activate his Innocence, but before he got the chance to, Kanda slashed through two of them and Lenalee kicked one and it blew up. Lavi smashed another Akuma into a tree, destroying both the Akuma and the tree. As it began to topple, Suman's right arm had transformed into some sort of gauntlet. He manipulated the wind, sending another Akuma flying and that one was gone too. Allen had to grab Goz, dragging him off to the side and avoiding a head on collision with the falling tree. Allen managed to pushed Goz out of the way, but his leg got hit and he toppled over, leg twisted in a direction that was seemingly impossible, but he knew it wasn't broken. He probably twisted it. Had it not been for his left eye, he wouldn't have been able to tell that one Akuma had gotten away.

"Allen!" Goz yelled, rushing forward, trying to lift the tree off him. "Hang on there."

Lenalee ran over to them, stopping right beside Allen's head. She studied the problem and immediately ran over to the large, thick tree, trying to help Goz lift it to no avail. Lavi had also come over and still it wouldn't move. Allen tried to wiggle his leg out from under it, but that did little help and it only made his leg hurt.

"Damn." Allen cursed, sitting up with a wince. "Damn."

"Sorry Allen, this one was my fault." Lavi uttered, bumping his head on the tree. "Yuu! Some help here!"

Almost immediately Mugen cut right through the tree, just barely missing Lavi's head, causing the redhead to shriek and jump back as the tree was slice in two. Some pressure was released from Allen's leg. Kanda paid no attention to Allen when he stepped forward, glaring at Lavi with Mugen pointed at his throat. "Call me that again and you'll end up just like that damn tree."

"Go-got it!" Lavi stuttered, walking around the bloody Kanda and to Allen. "Goz, lift up the tree a little and I'll pull Allen out."

"I can get it." Allen mumbled, but Lavi ignored him, wrapping his arms under Allen's arms and shoulders as Goz lifted the tree just enough, and with struggles, for Lavi to pull Allen out. "Thanks."

"No problem." Lavi cheered, offering him a hand.

"How's your leg?" Goz asked.

Allen took Lavi's hand, letting him give Alle na boost and helping him stand up, pain coursing through his entire left leg. He tried to hide his pain and he tried his best to stand on it, but he couldn't even fool himself. His expressionless mask broke and the pain shined through, but he made sure not to show anything else. Although he was extremely frustrated.

"I'll be fine." Allen whispered, limping down the path to Dankern. "I'll treat it when we get to Dankern. We can't stop here."

Suman studied Allen's limp, noticing how Allen's foot barely hit the dirt beneath him. It was more like he was hopping on one leg. It was a little painful to watch, but he had to hand it to the kid for being persistent and focused. This was the type of person he would want to work with. His leg was slightly twisted inwards still.

"You're going to slow us down if you walk like." Suman told him, catching up to Allen in a few steps. "You should let someone help you."

Allen leaned against a tree, sighing, looking at the ground. "I can do it myself. Just go on ahead."

"Now, we might not like you that much right now." Lavi said, maybe too truthful. "But we ain't leaving no one behind."

"And I said I can walk on my own." Allen muttered, continuing to walk, er, limp forward. He would occasionally hold on to a tree or large rock, maybe even a branch, for some support, but he still wasn't getting far. He stared at the people behind him, obviously ashamed of himself and not making any eye contact. "Would you... mind... helping me?"

"There's the spirit! Of course we'll help you." Lavi said cheerfully, patting Allen's shoulder. "Come on, put your arm over my shoulder."

"That'll take too long!" Kanda yelled.

"Then what do you suggest we do?"

Kanda examined Allen, then looked at Goz. "The Finder can carry him. He doesn't look like he weighs that much."

"What?" Allen stood up straighter. "Carry? I don't need to be carried."

Kanda stared up at the sky. It was getting dark and the sky was already a crisp golden color. "Then have fun limping in the dark."

"I said you could go o-ahh-hey. Put me down! I don't need to-"

Goz smiled, making sure he had a firm grip on Allen so he wouldn't drop him, but Allen weighed a lot less than he expected. The coat he was wearing was rather big on him and made him look a little bigger than he really was. Allen was extremely slender.

"Don't worry, Allen! I won't drop you. Just relax. We'll get there soon." Goz said.

And the trek began again. Allen was trying so hard not to pout or complain. Instead, he showed his disapproval by glaring at the back of Kanda's head and crossing his arms. Goz was chatting away endlessly about random things, but Allen didn't respond. Actually, he was getting quite tired. Goz's feet made a steady rhythm and Allen felt like he was being rocked in a baby cradle, which he hated to admit. To his own dismay, Allen pressed his head against Goz, burying half his face in his yellowish-white uniform. The small amount of warmth Goz offered was more welcoming than the tense, cold and breezy air. It was soothing. Oddly enough, the dull throbbing of his leg only aided everything else in making Allen comfortable and tired. He kept thinking to himself, 'This is disgraceful', but his eyes drooped and it wasn't long until he was fast asleep.

"He's sleeping." Goz whispered, laughing a little. "Guess he likes being carried, eh?"

Lenalee stared at Allen. His face had morphed into serenity and peacefulness. There wasn't anything empty about it. "He looks content... and happy in his sleep."

"That might be the only time he's pleasant." Lavi uttered.

"But he doesn't seem rude. He's polite mostly. Sure he's demanding we get this done fast, but for a good reason. He's worried about the Generals! Aren't you guys?" Goz said, defending Allen.

"The Generals should be able to take care of themselves." Kanda told him.

"Isn't that what we all thought before General Yeager was killed?" Lenalee responded.

Allen moaned, snuggling closer to Goz for some more warmth. "I think Allen is worried about the Generals. We don't know him and it's been made apparent he was raised in Central... Personally, growing up in the Black Order myself... It feel a sense of bitterness inside me sometimes. Though it's mostly for... certain people, I guess."

"But unlike you," Lavi muttered, glancing at Allen. "Allen was trapped in Central itself. I've been there before and that place is... Hell."

"Central is the only Branch of the Black Order that is extremely strict. They have to be because that's where they train the CROW and that's where the reside. Leverrier is in charge there and if my memory serves me correctly, he's in charge of the CROW as well." Kanda told them. "I see the village up ahead. Let's hurry."

"Hey... What's a CROW?" Goz asked.

"I don't know, really. You'll have to ask Allen." Lenalee told him.

"... Do you think he'll tell me?"

"I don't see why not. Just about everyone knows about the CROW. We just don't try to understand them much... For some reason."

After a walk through town, the Exorcists found a lake and spooky cabin. Goz gently set Allen down on the grass, offering to clean Kanda's uniform since he had argued that Kanda needed to get the blood off him. During which, everyone studied the beautiful lake and the mysterious cabin. Allen, though, seemed to have reacted to the lack of sudden warmth and his eyes fluttered open. Almost instantly, his left eye activated and he saw an Akuma standing just an arm's length away from him. She was more interested in the lake than Allen at the moment, but as he sat up, her eyes fell on him.

"Hello." Her voice was soft, calm. It was deprived of most emotions, but there was... something there. Something Allen recognized.

Silent anger. Allen gazed around, finding Akuma all over. The amount of souls he saw was terrifying. The village was so small, but it was hard to take it in all at once, without warning. Plus, he had to wonder how the entire village of Dankern had been turned into Akuma. No, mirth. Proud mirth. It was easy to realize that whoever this Akuma was, now and in the past, she had gotten her revenge.

"Hey there." Lavi greeted, smiling. "Hey, um, what's with this cabin, if you don't mind me asking?"

"What do you mean?" she asked. "It's just an old empty cabin."

"Well, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that's where a witch lived." Goz laughed.

"Witches aren't real!"

Goz tensed, but then nodded frantically. "Right. Of course not. Witches aren't real."

"You have lotuses here." Kanda mused, staring out at the lake.

Allen viewed the small lake. In the middle stood pink flowers that were beginning to bloom. Allen figured those were the lotuses.

"I've been to this place many times before and this is the first time I've seen them bloom." the girl Akuma said.

"Lotus seeds can lay in the soil for a thousand years." Kanda explained, looking at the beautiful flowers, then at the small girl before him that he clearly did not realize was an Akuma. "This is probably the first time they've bloomed in our lifetime."

The girl stared at the flowers sincerely, lips drawing a thin line. She didn't even turn to face Allen as he stood up, struggling with his leg still."It's sad. Knowing this is the first time they bloomed in a long time and they have such a short life. It must be lonely."

"I wouldn't say that." Kanda mumbled, earning her precious attention. "Lotuses can live for a long time, and they may continue to bloom long after the both of us leave this world."

"Really?"

Allen wasn't amused by her fake hope as she stared at the lotus flowers again, a frail smile on her face. She was a great actress. It doesn't matter. She'd be dead soon and the mystery of Dankern would be over. If what he saw was true, then the rumors weren't relevant to Innocence. The lost lives were just because of the Akuma! So... how long could this Akuma keep up her act with all these Exorcist? How can she fair?

This was one thing Allen was looking forward to seeing.

-o0o-

-o0o- D. Gray-man -o0o-

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