Hey dudes/dudettes.

Okay so first off, I got a PM from someone asking about my name, it's a song by Boykillboy, and they're really good, and when I created my fanfic account, I was listening to them. Ivy Parker is not my name.

A thanks to my reviewers for the last chapter: Bobislove, Lyra the badwolf, Souless-tears, rarax1, timelady1210, Dru, doctor-who-mad-gal, pen-to-paper scribble and Kateg123.Ta!

Now (sorry about the authors notes bit being long) I would like to thank: Pen-to-paper scribble and Charli CHALK for being my 'go-to-girls'. you rock.

Dum, de dum…

Thinking of Torchwood.

Ways to kill 'em.

I could just stab them all…. Nah, slow and painful, but the enjoyment would be over to quickly.

Poison? Already done that, it gets dull after a while.

I brain freeze them with ice cream! Nope, I think they'd suspect something if I start being nice to them and handing triple chocolate ice cream around.

I paper cut them so much… that they bleed to death!!

Got it!! I might learn how to use the boomerang, and then throw a chainsaw at them! Beautiful. Truly beautiful.

I'm in what humans call a hotel. It's grubby, smells funny, and I have a small idea that some of the women in the hotel fancy me.

Not that I'm complaining.

My plan is to break into Torchwood... and kill all!

It's short. But simple.

I left the hotel and walked off to that strange tower… thing.

And stepped on the tile.

Which did not move.

Why isn't it moving?

"Fuck" I muttered. This is me, getting slightly pissed off.

But! Thank god for… The wrist strap!! I know!! Oh yeah!!

Well, in a way I hate the thing, because it makes me into a bomb... But apart from THAT.

I pushed a few buttons, and smiled as the floor started to move.

"OH YEEAAAH!! TAKE THAT, YOU WHORES!! OH YEAH, UH HUH, WHO'S THE BEST?? WHO? WHO? UH-UH, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, I'M GONNA PARTY LIKE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! OH YEEEAAAH!!"

"Jack, did you hear something?" A girl's voice said.

Oh, forgot about that.

Shit.

"I dunno" Jack replied "Tosh? Have a snoop, yeah?"

'Snoop' as in Snoop Dog? Or 'Snoop' as in 'we're gonna be nosy'??

I have a ton of stuff to learn about being on Earth.

Like learning to stay quiet.

"Hi guys!!" I said happily.

"What?" One with a London accent said, "Who said that?"

I thought Torchwood was supposed to be smart.

I rolled my eyes as I stepped off of the weird step… Thing.

"Me?" I looked around the hub.

God, it'd gotten worse. The smell was truly disgusting (mind you, the place was never exactly a bed of roses) there were coats strewn all over the place, and there were pizza boxes everywhere.

"I thought coffee boy was also supposed to be some sort of caretaker?" I asked, "You know, someone to clear up the shit?"

They all looked at me.

Well, they glared at me. Not even that. They looked murderous.

"Jack! Security protocols!" Geek yelled.

"Or not" I laughed, I got out my wrist strap (it was really useful nowadays... Sort of) it beeped loudly "Yeah, your guns now do not work…."

Shit. Wrong button.

"… And now neither does mine"

CRAP!

Jack blinked at me "Clearly your sense of technology has improved" He said sarcastically.

"You have more wrinkles," I muttered. That wiped the smile off of his face.

"At least I use night cream!" He yelled back.

I sighed, "Night cream makes you smell funny!"

It's true, in the (very strange) five years that I was with him, he used night cream, and I couldn't bear to even look at him. Trust me, he looked like a koala that was trying to learn how to shave.

"MOVING ON!" Coffee boy snapped "So… We all have no weapons"

"Except our fists!" Gwen said viscously.

Kinky. I do love a girl who's rough.

We all paused. We all looked around.

I sprinted over for anything sharp. The rest off them disappeared for a second.

Nerd girl came out first "HA!"

She was clutching a keyboard. She expected to hurt me… With a keyboard from her computer?!

Jack came out next.

"I'M ARMED!!" He yelled.

He was holding a hand in a jar.

"What the-"

"I'M ARMED!" He repeated.

"Figuratively… Or literally?" I asked.

Coffee boy came up, clutching a kettle "You may have crapped up our guns… But we're good at improvising!"

"But that's the new one!" Jack groaned.

Medicine man came out next. He had a bandage in his hands, like they do in the films when they're going to strangle someone with it.

"You guys have seen Charlie's Angels one too many times," I said.

"Wait" Jack paused "Where's Gwen?"

"HERE!!" Gwen yelled.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

"Gwen" Jack said, "You realise that-"

"Yes, I am using a weevil for my defence mechanism" She nodded.

"No!" I frowned "That's not allowed! Ref!"

They all blinked at me. Crap! I need a weapon. I looked around, and spotted an alien artefact, it looked kinda precious. I grabbed it.

"Ha! Now I have a weapon!"

"You realise" Nerd girl said "That… What you're holding is a whisk, right?"

How the fuck should I know what a whisk is?

Please R &R. (No flames please)

And yeah, i know, this chapter is weird. So very weird.