Jack sat in the bar, admiring the way the evening sunlight from the window shone through the amber liquid in the glass in front of him. It was a nice bar, a bistro, really; clean and bright. The kind of place people came on dates, not the sort of place people came to lose themselves in a haze of alcohol.
Jack didn't have either purpose in mind. He hadn't been drunk since the day Teri kicked him out. Much as Jack hated to agree with his father, the echo of Phillip inside his head had been right. It's not only the sorrows that get drowned, and Jack wasn't prepared to lose it all. He'd already lost enough.
He was here tonight because he just wanted to get away from the empty walls of his apartment, and he could only run so many miles a day. He had some thinking to do.
For the first time in his life, he felt truly lost. And the one person he wanted to talk it over with wasn't taking his calls. She had said "time apart" and it turned out she meant it. She couldn't cope with him right now. At all, it seemed. He'd called earlier that day, just to hear her voice on the answering machine. She'd taken his name off the greeting. She used to say "You've reached Teri, Jack and Kim." Now it was just "The Bauer residence."
His whole adult life, he'd had Teri by his side as his best friend, lover and confidant. Sure, there had been things he couldn't or wouldn't tell her, but that had mostly been for her own protection. But even when she couldn't know the details, she had been there for him. And he had blown it.
God, he missed her. Coming home to the apartment with the inflatable mattress and two crappy lawn chairs was starting to get to him. He'd lived in worse places during undercover operations, but they had always been temporary situations, and not really him. This was different. This was his real life. This was really happening, to him. His marriage might really be over. It hurt even to think it.
He stared through the window glumly, swirling his drink.
At first he had been angry. What right did Teri have to judge him? She had no idea what he had gone through, first with Nightfall, then with turning Henderson in. The people, the government, he'd trusted so thoroughly, had betrayed him. Coming home to her questioning eyes, having her nag at him for forgetting stupid stuff – what did it matter if he forgot to unload the dishwasher when the fucking world was falling apart? Instead of dealing with it, he'd allowed himself to become an angry, cold, son-of-a-bitch, even at home.
After a few weeks, though, he realized his anger was mostly guilt. Guilt for losing his men. Guilt for expecting her to understand what she had no way of knowing. Guilt for taking her for granted, for trying to make her feel as miserable as he did.
Now what he felt was resignation. Maybe she had been right. Maybe the only way to protect his family from his job was to live apart from them. It wasn't fair to her to put her through what his work did to him. That didn't make it easier, though.
An old Paul Simon song came on the bar stereo.
They say losing love is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you're torn apart
Everybody feels the wind blow…
Jack allowed himself a small smile. Corny, but true. At least one person had been buffeted by the wind blowing through his life. Nina. Nina had been his rock the past few months. Every time he needed something—and he'd needed more than he should have—there she was, ready to give it to him. And not just for work. She understood him in a way that Teri could not. She knew what he was going through, and she knew how to help him find his way out of the darkness. It couldn't have been easy for her.
So when he had gone to the movie with her and she had been so relaxed and fun, he allowed himself to feel good for the first time in a long time. He hadn't intended to take it further. Her friendship was precious to him, and he's seen too many disasters to think it was ever a smart idea to get involved with someone at the office.
And yet…wow. He smiled again, more convincingly this time, and drained his drink, enjoying the burn as it slid down his throat.
Last night with Nina had been… spectacular. He hadn't planned it, and had been as surprised as she was to find himself kissing her. He had apologized immediately, of course, kicking himself for screwing up the best thing going for him right now.
But Nina clearly didn't have any hesitation about being with him. Normally Jack liked to be the one in control, but last night he had succumbed to her completely. After so long playing the strong man, it was a relief to be vulnerable. After she had sucked and pulled and teased and pounded every last shudder and groan and sigh out of him, after he had nothing left to give her, she lay on his chest and took his gratitude. Lying there with her still on top of him, he felt a modicum of peace.
He knew he should feel guilty. But he was so very tired. Tired of shame, and guilt, and anger. Why was it so wrong to feel good for a change? He never thought Jack Bauer would be with anyone other than Teri. It appeared Teri thought differently. So what was he supposed to do? Why not take comfort where it was offered?
He was so lost in his thoughts that he almost went for his gun when the waitress banged a new glass on the table in front of him. "Lady wants to buy you a drink," she said, tilting her head to indicate a blonde at the bar. Jack gave a small, almost silent laugh and bent his head. He stood up, carrying the drink in his left hand as he walked over to his benefactor.
"I'm sorry, I can't accept this," his voice was velvet as he raised the glass. She saw his ring for the first time.
"My mistake. Married, huh?"
He hesitated. "You know, I'm not sure I even know how to answer that right now."
"Well, maybe you'd better have the drink anyway, then. No hard feelings. Shame to let it go to waste."
He smiled and lifted the glass to her in a silent toast. "In that case, thank you." He drained it, set it down on the bar, and walked away without a backwards glance. He had to see about making his apartment more like home.