"Little things remind me of you. Especially when the rainfalls, it's like I can feel you beside me, feel your breath on my neck or your lips on my cheek. You were always so soft, late at night when no one was watching. I just wished I had a chance to see more of that. I tended to shy away from you during the day- you were always so guarded. I was too afraid of what version of you I would get, and I was so lost, scared and sad that I couldn't bear to find out. Now, I wish I had."
OCTOBER – [& will you tell all your friends, you've got your gun to my head] – Taking Back Sunday
It's funny the things that Quinn keeps on remembering. Things that she probably thought insignificant at the time are now becoming etched into her memory. Such as the way Santana's hair used to fall in front of her eyes after a night of lovemaking. (If you could even call it lovemaking); sometimes Quinn remembers these moments in her dreams too much and wakes up moaning and aching for Santana's touch. She hates that she can't control what she sees when she sleeps. So, she barely does. She knows that Rachel is more then worried about her but Quinn shrugs the guilt that tugs at her heart away. At least Rachel has stopped harassing her about her grades. She isn't doing well, but at least she's passing and apparently that's shutting Rachel up so that's all Quinn cares about. Quinn has stopped eating anything that tastes like vanilla because it reminds her too much of how Santana's lips tasted, she will also not watch Saved By The Bell because her and Santana used to have marathons of it when they couldn't sleep. Quinn's DVD's have been placed in the box with Santana's letter and her photos that she hasn't ripped to pieces yet.
Most days Quinn still feels like she's fading into nothing. Things haven't gotten any better and she is probably even drinking more. She just doesn't call Rachel to pick her up anymore- instead she's going home with a different girl every night- then sneaking out, making the walk of shame back to her dorm room at three or four in the morning.
Then one night she runs into Brittany at one of the local pubs. It doesn't even cross her mind why Brittany would be in New York in the first place. Although Quinn can't remember where she was supposed to go after graduation. Maybe she didn't bother asking. But that doesn't matter in that moment that she sees her. Brittany looks like she's a fucking mess and Quinn is drunk enough already that she goes over to her and wraps her in a hug. It doesn't start registering in Quinn's mind that Brittany has started kissing Quinn, slowly until Brittany's tongue pushes it past Quinn's lips. Quinn doesn't stop Brittany, sex is a distraction to Quinn and fuck Brittany's a good kisser. Her mouth tastes like heaven and Quinn slips her own tongue inside the dancer's mouth. Quinn knows that this is wrong; that this is Brittany- it's not some random girl from the bar that Quinn is never going to see again. But then Brittany moans into her mouth and she forgets about everything- she's forgetting that they're still in a bar as Brittany grinds into her.
"Britt, Britt." Quinn untangles her hands from Brittany's hair and stares into her bright blue orbs. "Hey. We can't do this. Whatever this is." Quinn licks her lips. It's taking every ounce of her strength not to bite those perfectly soft lips.
Brittany practically whimpers in reply, she tilts her head to the side and holds Quinn's gaze. "Yes we can. We need this Q." Brittany leans forward and places her lips on Quinn's neck, sucking at her pulse point.
Fuck, there is no way Quinn can say not to that. Then Brittany grabs Quinn's hard and Quinn is done for, at that moment there's no turning back, she's fucking screwed. So Quinn whispers in Brittany's ear, "my place or yours?"
Quinn follows Brittany out of the pub and before they can even call a cab Brittany is attacking Quinn's lips and pushing her against the building. Quinn never would have guessed that Brittany was a top, but Quinn is getting really turned on by it so she doesn't fucking care as she's letting Brittany's hands cup her breast she lets out a moan. "Come on, cab, now." Quinn husks and pulls Brittany to the cab that's stopped at the curb.
Back at Quinn's dorm it doesn't take long for clothes to fly off bodies and for hands to explore each other's bodies. Brittany's skin is like porcelain and Quinn can't stop touching everywhere and licking everything as well as every last drop of what is Brittany. She tastes like candy and Quinn can't help but moan as she sucks her clit. She feels Brittany tug her hair and push her closer, she feels Brittany's body vibrating with her orgasm and Quinn licks her clean until there's no cum left. Then Quinn is lying on top of Brittany, arm draped over her baked body because pretty much as soon as they entered Quinn's dorm Brittany had fucked Quinn senseless, so now that they've both had their orgasms they're spent.
Brittany stirs from Quinn and walks over to her purse and looks through it, dumping it's contents on the floor. Quinn watches Brittany's actions, not wanting to ask what she's doing. She sees Brittany pull out cigarettes and a lighter- the dancer gracefully slips back into bed and lights the cigarette. Quinn just eyes Brittany but doesn't say anything. She's still really fucking drunk.
When Brittany finishes her cigarette she gets up to leave but Quinn pulls her back down on the bed pinching Brittany's nipple hard between her fingers. "No- stay." Quinn demands and Brittany does stay. She stays until the next afternoon after about the fifth time they have sex she leaves, saying goodbye by giving Quinn a long hard kiss. Quinn watches Brittany go, wondering if she will see her again. Seeing her again felt like some sort of really fucked up hello that was always going to lead to a goodbye.
Quinn starts to panic then, her hangover now being done, she goes to her desk and gets out a pen and paper. Fuck, shit, fuck. Quinn slaps her forehead with her hand. What the fuck has she just done?
"I fucking can't stand this feeling of barely being able to breathe. None of the girls compare to you- none of them. Yet, I keep going back. I ran into Brittany last night. God. Look what you've left behind. I fucked her- another mess that you left behind. I wouldn't call it making love, because it definitely wasn't that. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't stop. I just want to FEEL. You can understand that can't you?"
Quinn sets the journal in her drawer and crawls back in her bed; Brittany left the cigarettes on her bedside table. She picks on up and twirls it in her fingers and stares into space, naked on the bed. That's how Rachel finds her hours later, after Quinn misses a dinner date with her. Worried, Rachel went to find Quinn in her dorm.
As soon as Quinn sees Rachel she bursts into tears. She doesn't even care that she's naked. She just pulls the covers up as Rachel climbs into bed next to her and spoons her from behind.
"Oh Q…." Rachel whispers. "What happened?" She asks her voice full of concern.
"I'm a slut Rachel. I'm nothing more then a slutty bitch." She can't stop crying, she can't even with Rachel trying to whisper soothing words to her she just keeps sobbing. Usually Rachel's hand drawing circles on her back would help her, not this time. She doesn't know what she needs but she knows that she needs the tears to stop.
She's pretty sure she now hears Rachel crying and feels her wet tears on her bear back. Quinn turns around. "Rach… don't cry. Please." She can't bear to see Rachel upset. She's caused Rachel enough pain already. Quinn strokes Rachel's hair and Rachel starts sniffling until her tears stop.
"You're not a s-slut Quinn. Don't say that sort of thing, please. Quinn I'm so worried about you all the time. I never know how I'm going to find you anymore. You need to tell me things, you need to let me in." Rachel starts shaking so Quinn holds onto her friend tighter.
"I'm sorry Rachel. I'm trying… I'm really trying." Quinn places a kiss on Rachel's cheek. "I just don't know what to do anymore. It still hurts so much." Quinn's voice cracked.
"I know Q… but m-maybe you need some professional help." Rachel said quietly.
Quinn bites down hard on the inside of her lip to stop herself from staying something that she'll regret. Rachel is the only person that really cares about Quinn and if Quinn loses her, she knows that she really will succeed in losing herself as well.
So Quinn doesn't say anything to Rachel she just leans her forehead onto Rachel's shoulder and soon she's asleep, too fucked up emotionally to care that she's still very much naked, in Rachel's arms.
It's the day before nationals- Chicago. Santana has snuck into Quinn's room well after midnight. The day has been grueling, Cheerios practice and Glee rehearsals and all Quinn wants to do is take a nice hot bath and go to sleep, but Santana obviously has other plans. Quinn raises her eyebrows as Santana climbs through her window with a bottle of vodka and two shot glasses. Santana smirks and makes her way over to Quinn's bed; she straddles her without even saying hi and kisses her roughly on the lips. Every time Santana kisses Quinn, Quinn needs more- she needs to feel her everywhere. Quinn whimpers as Santana pulls away and just stares at her.
Quinn is suddenly feeling self-conscious and averts her eyes, looking at anywhere except Santana's eyes. "What?" Quinn finally asks, almost exasperated as to why Santana is just staring at her. Then she feels Santana's fingers brushing her hair away from her eyes.
"Quinn?" Santana asks quietly and Quinn holds her breath, she has been afraid of this moment, she feels like Santana is about to break down some walls.
"Yeah, S?" Quinn responds, silently praying that tonight won't be the night that Santana says those three words.
"I, I love you." Santana practically whispers.
Fuck. Quinn is at a loss of what to say. She's fucking terrified. She should be smiling, her heart should be filling with butterflies, but it's not. She's just staring back at Santana wondering what to do, wondering what not to do. She doesn't want to hurt her. Quinn knows that she's on her way to falling in love with her, but not at that moment, not yet.
Quinn can tell that Santana is getting ready to bolt; she can feel the shift in her body position, the darkness that is now enveloping her eyes.
"San…" Quinn chokes out in barely a breath.
"It's whatever Q. I get it." She says shortly, stepping off of the bed and running to the window- she leaves the alcohol behind and jumps out of the window- Quinn can hear her feet land on the grass below.
Quinn feels her heart shutting down, feels her mind numbing itself. It's not the first time this has happened, nor will it be the last time. She will shield herself from the wrath that will now be Santana. She knows she's fucked up royally. It's not that she can't see herself loving Santana; she's definitely getting there, except… there are all those other factors. Santana is fucking dating Brittany, the fact that Quinn is still in the closet, and finally the fact that Quinn is scared of falling in love. It's not like their relationship is so stable. The more she's thinking of reasons not to be in love though, it hits her, she is so fucking in love with Santana that it's killing her, that she's literally pushing Santana away.
Quinn shakes her head at her stupidity as she climbs out the window, after Santana. She can't have gotten far. Quinn picks up her walking pace and goes the direction to Santana's house. She passes a park half way between San's house and her own and finds her sitting on a park bench. Quinn walks over to her, cautiously and sits down next to her. She can tell that Santana's been crying. Quinn takes her finger and traces it across Santana's tear stained cheeks. "Hey." Quinn says softly and kisses Santana's temple.
"Just go away Quinn." Santana replies coldly turning her head away from Quinn's.
"No, don't do this San." Quinn pleads with her and cups Santana's cheek in her hand, forcing Santana's head to look at her. Quinn kisses Santana with such passion, and so deeply. She can taste the brunette's tears, but it doesn't bother her, she wants to kiss away her pain. When she stops kissing her, she gazes into Santana's eyes. "If you would have waited… you…" She starts off by saying and bites her bottom lip. "I… I'm in love with you too."
The memory fades when Quinn slowly opens her eyes. These are the things that she's afraid of remembering, why her subconscious only brings the past out during sleep. Quinn squints at the sunlight that's pouring in through her window. She obviously hasn't slept for long, because it's still bright outside. She starts to panic when she sees that Rachel is no longer beside her. She turns around quickly and notices Rachel sitting at her desk, where she has her journal hidden, which is out on the table. Quinn knows she had put it away before Rachel had come over. Shit, fuck, fuck. Quinn wants to pretend that she's still asleep so that she doesn't have to face her friend.
Too late- "Quinn… you need to explain this." Rachel says pointing at the black book in her hands.
Quinn starts hyperventilating until everything fades to black.