Author's note: Sorry it's taken me a few days to update, I've been busy what with Halloween and what not. The polls are in and it looks like Casey/Elliot won! I'm sorry for all you who are disappointed by this. I'm going to make sure this story isn't only about their relationship though; it's really about the whole squad. There'll be a lot of bonding moments with people other than Elliot, too, so don't worry. I'm even going to throw in some Alex/Casey friendship. Anyways I hope you guys continue to like this story.
Thank you to all my reviewers, you are all sexy and wonderful.
Disclaimer: I don't own them.
"You'll have to change into these," a nurse says, handing Casey a set of hospital gowns. The nurse gives her a wicked grin. "Hey, at least you get to wear pants, trust me, if you were working here before, when all we had were the gowns, you'd be grateful."
"Yeah, well, I'm sure it wasn't so bad."
"Men walking around in gowns? Not so bad, huh?"
Casey smirks at the nurse. She likes her. The nurse doesn't have a name tag on, which worries Casey slightly. "Why don't you have a nametag?"
"Sweetie, you get some real weirdoes in this ward, people who might want to stalk you, and you don't want to have your real name on display."
"How do I know you're a real nurse then?"
The nurse pulls out a chain from underneath her scrubs (A note from the author: Nurses in psych wards don't wear scrubs, they can wear whatever the devil they want, I just thought it would be cool). Attached to the chain is a name tag, one that reads, Alison Psychiatric Nurse. "Don't tell anyone about this," Alison says, winking.
Casey gives a sort of half smile and heads to the bathroom to get changed. She gets two gowns and a pair of pants. First she puts on one gown, which leaves an open space at her back, so she assumes the other one is used as a sort of jacket, to cover up. The pants however totally confuse her. It's like they're reversible or something, how on earth are you supposed to wear these things? She puts them on, realizes she has them backwards and tries again. When at last she succeeds she goes out to see Alison.
"Well, aren't you looking spiffy?" Alison says laughing.
"Haha," Casey mutters dryly.
Alison doesn't say anything, just motions for Casey to follow her. Casey is led to a set of electronic doors; Alison uses a card key to open them. Beyond those doors is yet another set of doors, but all you have to do is turn the handle for them to open. And then, in a less dramatic way than she had imagined, Casey gets her first look at a psychiatric ward.
No one rushes at her with a knife or yells at her to leave, in fact, no one says anything at all.
The ward isn't too big, it's actually quite small. There are 14 doors that Casey can see, most of them look like they're patients rooms. There are two bathrooms, one for males and one for females. This surprises Casey; she didn't think she'd be in a ward with males. One door reads 'Shower' and another hangs ajar and is obviously the staffs Office. Another is the Recreation room, and the one beside it has nothing at all written on it. And the last has 'Quiet' painted onto it.
For the most part the walls are white, although you get an occasional glimpse of failed paint jobs. "I'm going to show you to your room now, okay? It's room 6."
Casey nods, but says nothing. She's looking around for the other patients, wondering where they all are. She hears no voice, not even a whisper in the small little ward. She wonders just how crazy the other patients are. A part of her wonders if her fiancé ever got help, although, she quickly kills that part of her because she knows better than to dream such dreams.
She enters her room. It's an empty, single bed room, she half-expected there to be cameras in it, but spots none. The bed has no blanket, just sheets and a small pillow. Behind the bed is a window that's barred on the outside. You could probably open it a smidgen, but because of the bars you'd never be able to escape through it. There's also a blue closet, that's all locked up.
"What do you think?" Alison asks.
"It's bleak."
"That's good, if you had liked it, then I'd be worried." Alison is probably about Casey's age, with shoulder length brown hair and almond shaped eyes. She however, doesn't look like a nurse; she looks more like a model. And standing next to her, in a hospital gown, with no make-up and hair that hasn't been brushed since she arrived at the hospital, Casey looks like a mess. "I'm going to go get you a little questionnaire to fill out. You'll have to fill out things like this every week or so."
"Okay." And that's it. Casey's left alone with her thoughts. A few moments' later Alison returns with a pen and the questionnaire before leaving Casey again. The questions are just mandatory things, the same things the psychiatrist had asked her, really. What did you do to get yourself in here? You mean you don't know? Why did you do it? If I knew, I probably wouldn't be in here in the first place.
She sighs and finishes writing quickly. She's always hated paper work and being in here hasn't changed that one bit. To her, all this signing and answering and explaining, it's all just paperwork, useless really. But of course, one must keep in mind that she's ill. Somewhere, deep down inside she understands the utmost importance of her being where she is. But she refuses to admit to it.
Eventually Alison comes in and retrieves the pen and paper. "Just so you understand, you'll be talking to the staff more than you will be talking to Doctor Rose, so if there's ever anything you want to say, you don't have to wait, just tell me."
"Thanks, but that's alright."
"Would you like to come and eat dinner with the other patients?"
"Won't they kill me?"
Alison actually chuckles, finding the humor in Casey's sarcasm, which actually surprises Casey. "No, I don't think they will. We don't typically get many violent people in here, you'd be surprised," Alison explains. "They're just normal people really, Casey. If you ask me, we all need some mental help."
"I don't think it's wise to eat the food here."
"Neither do I, but don't tell anyone I said that, it's our little secret."
"Why aren't you the little rule breaker?" Casey says rolling her eyes.
XXXXXXXXXXX
The squad is suffering. Of course, everyone knew that would happen. And they wonder, they wonder if Casey knew, too. They wonder if she understands what she's done to them. How could she leave them when they all loved her so much? How?
The world however is still turning, despite their despair. Women and occasionally, men, are still being raped. Children are still being abused. And they're still the ones called upon to fix things. They scarcely even have time to fix their own lives and yet somehow they must be the heroes.
Each of their minds contains a world of darkness, a black sea of despair. Somehow though, somehow there is hope, too. At least Casey is getting help, it could be worse, she could have succeeded.
But they can't stop thinking about it…they just can't.
Elliot is having another child. Everyone knows it, everyone feels sorry for him. But he doesn't worry; he knows the child will be wonderful and perfect. He's just worried about Casey, how could he not be? Like anyone would, he cares about her deeply. He wants her to be all better and to return to the squad. He just wishes she wouldn't have done it, that she wouldn't have gone in for help and left them, is that so selfish?
He can't stop thinking about it. He can't no matter how hard he tries all he can think about is how close they came to losing Casey, and he doesn't even know why. It's not as if he and Casey were incredibly close to begin with, but they were friends, and that must count for something.
Olivia certainly isn't taking the recent events well, and the case she has right now isn't helping any. There's also the matter of calling up Alex, which she hasn't done yet. She probably should get onto that. The whole squad is getting annoyed with having a new ADA every day.
She goes to Cragen's office. She knocks on the door. Elliot keeps an ear open, wondering what's up now.
"Come in," Cragen says. "Oh, Olivia, what's up?"
"I'm going home early."
He nods. He doesn't comment on the fact that she never goes home early. He understands. He knows. Elliot doesn't hear what Cragen says but assumes he let Olivia go home when Olivia packs up to leave.
He sighs, hoping Olivia's okay. He can't lose his best friend of all people, not again. There's a certain Deja-vu that hits him, the memory of when Olivia decided she wanted a new partner. She just got up and left one day, and that was it, she was gone.
And now Casey…alive, but not quite there. Like a ghost that haunts him. It's her fault, it her fault that now she's all he can think of. It's all her fault.
XXXXXXXXXXX
It's Alex's day off. She's just relaxing. Reading. She doesn't get many days off and she's not about to waste this precious time running about. Someone is knocking on her door. She's surprised. She told her friends not to bother her today.
She answers the door anyways.
"Alex," Olivia says as soon as the door opens. "Alex. I need your help."
Olivia doesn't understand how things have come to this. This point in which she is at Alex's door begging help, yet somehow, here she is. Her eyes show a certain pleading which is easily recognizable to Alex-a certain state of desperateness which Alex hasn't seen in Olivia since that fateful day when she left for witness protection.
"What's happened?"
"I need your help. We need you to come back."
"Sit down, Liv," Alex says, immediately worried. "Tell me what happened."
"It's Casey. She's in the hospital."
"Oh."
"She tried to kill herself…and I…I found her."
Like you saved me, Alex thinks, but she doesn't voice this thought. "How is she doing?"
"She's alive," Olivia explains. "But she's going to a psychiatric ward. I didn't want to ask you this. Cragen did. But can you come back? Please, we need you. It would only be for a while, and then you could go back to your regular job."
She grabs Olivia's hand and pulls her into a hug. "You know I'd do anything for you. But I don't know if I can physically do this. I mean, how would I explain my absence?"
"I…I don't know. You're the boss, couldn't you just put someone else in charge for a little while."
Alex lets go of Olivia. "I don't know I'll see what I can do."
XXXXXXXXXXX
"Everyone, this is Casey. Could you all introduce yourselves?" Alison announces.
"Hi," Casey says meekly.
"I'm Georgia, I'm the loud one," A girl in her early twenties announces.
"You can call me Will," says a boy who looks to be about Casey's age. Casey can't help but wonder if he's implying that his name isn't in fact Will, but she says nothing.
"I'm Jessica," says another girl, one who also looks quite young.
There are four other patients there, other than Casey, but one hasn't spoken yet. "Could you please tell our new friend who you are?" Alison says, it's not a question, it's a command.
The man says nothing.
"Don't worry," Georgia says. "He never says anything."
"Georgia, please only speak when spoken to," Alison says. She waits a moment for the man to say his name. Still nothing, she sighs, clearly she's been defeated. "That's James."
Casey recognizes the name for an instant and is reminded of the male nurse who's name was James. But it's not the same person, that's for sure. James looks like he's in his 20s but has one of those faces that make it impossible to guess his exact age. He could well be 50 for all Casey knows. He has black eyes and dark brown hair that falls over his face. There is something utterly fascinating about him. Perhaps it's the fact that he hasn't said anything, it gives him a mysterious aura. He's both old and young, quiet, yet his presence is loud.
But Casey is quickly distracted by Will who is suggesting they all play cards. "It's a tradition that we all play Ass Hole to welcome new patients," He explains.
"Call it President, Will," Alison scorns.
"Do you know how to play?" Georgia asks.
Casey nods, and sits down. It's amazing, how if she had met these people on the street she would have never of guessed there to be something wrong with them. James says nothing but joins them. No one has to really be invited to play. They just play.
"Can we watch America's Next Top model?" Jessica asks.
"I'm not watching that shit," Will says.
"Are you serious?" Georgia asks.
"I don't think that show is appropriate," Alison says. Alison's word is final. They all continue with their card game. At a couple of points throughout the night different nurses and Social workers arrive and play cards with them. They are never left alone together. Never.
"How old are you?" Casey asks Jessica, who appears no older than 16 or so. She asks because it's an adult unit and Jessica seems so young.
"No personal information," says a social worker. Like Alison, their word is final. And so everything passes by them. They can't watch too much TV and they certainly can't watch the news, nothing that would offend their delicate ears. They can't talk about themselves, at least not with each other. Casey is deeply bothered by this. More than anything she wants to talk to the patients about their lives before all this, how it is that they all seem so normal. But she can't.
At night before Casey goes to sleep a social worker named Ellen talks to her for a while about how she felt for her first day. Casey lies, she says she feels great. She doesn't have to change because she's wearing scrubs. She just showers and brushes her teeth. Tomorrow she'll be meeting with Doctor Rose. Perhaps then she can ask about getting permission to wear her own clothes, like the other patients.
She falls into an uneasy sleep, dreaming of another world far away from the pain she's feeling.
Author's note: Well I really hope you guys still like this story; make sure to review because it makes me so happy.