A/N: First off, I want to apologize for the lack of content and that I haven't updated since Friday. I wanted to have this up and posted, but I wanted to do it justice, seeing how this story was more emotional than the last chapter. I wanted to express myself, kind of, in the way that I wrote Paige in this story, because Paige McCullers is me. I can see myself in Paige McCullers, and so I wrote a little bit of what I struggled with and am still struggling with, as I am in that stage where I've come out to myself but to no one else than a few people, and my family is exactly the same as the way I wrote Paige's family to be in this story. I apologize if this story really gets to you, because it was very hard for me to write. But, look forward to tomorrow, as I will most likely have stories posted for day five and six, and seven also if I have the time. If not, expect the next two days to have the promts written and published. Let me know what you think, and I'll see you guys tomorrow. –Amanda
Chapter Two: Paige
Rating: M (triggering)
Words: 4,813
"Do you mind if I sit here?"
Paige pulled her gaze from her book, The Alchemist, to look at an older woman, probably in her late 60s, standing in the middle of the isle, looking at Paige with a small smile on her face.
"Not at all," Paige smiled back, watching as the woman took a seat next to her. She peered out of her window, watching as the people filed onto the train, each getting their tickets checked and hastily making their way to an open seat.
"How do you like the book?" the woman asked.
Her voice shook Paige from her zoned-out state of mind as she turned her head around to face her. "Pardon?"
"I asked how you liked the book," she pointed to the paperback closed in Paige's lap. She looks down and smiles again.
"It's not so bad. I mean, my girlfriend only sent it to me a few days ago, and this train ride is the only free time I'll have for a while, so I'm going to make good use of it."
"It's a lovely book, really. My son bought it for me when it first came out. That may be my favorite book that has ever been written."
"Really?"
"Of course," the woman smiled again. She held out her hand for Paige to shake. "I'm Dorothea."
"Paige," she said, gently shaking the woman's hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you."
"Likewise. So, what are you headed Pennsylvania for? Has summer break started for you yet?"
Paige nodded. "Yeah, I'm headed back to Rosewood. If from there, but I go to school here at Michigan State."
Dorothea's eyes widened. "You're from Rosewood? I've heard some strange things about that place…"
"I bet nine out of ten of those things are actually true," she chuckled. Dorothea shook her head in amusement.
"And your girlfriend? Is she from Rosewood, too?"
"Yes. We actually met back in high school. But, she doesn't have to travel far. She received a full ride to Penn State on a swimming scholarship."
"Wow, she seems smart."
Paige smiles brightly. "She is."
"Well, Paige, it was nice chatting with you, but I think I'm going take this opportunity to get some shut eye. I'll see you in a few hours," Dorothea says.
"Sleep well." Paige opens up her book and opens up the front flap, tracing over Emily's script writing on the inside cover.
'Paige, read this book when you start missing me so much it becomes unbearable. I love you.
-Emily"
She smiled lightly, her heart racing with excitement. In 19 hours, Paige would finally be reunited with Emily after months of being apart. They had planned on spending Christmas together this year, but Paige got caught up in her Neurobiology term paper, and wasn't able to come visit not only Emily, but her own family as well. Even though they opened presents together over Skype, it still didn't feel like enough for Paige. It was more of a cop-out. Nothing felt quite like being in the same room as Emily Fields.
Staring out of the window, Paige watches as the train leaves the station, the trees starting to rush by even faster as the train picks up speed, until it is almost a complete blur of different shades of green and the splash of brown here and there. She closes her eyes, letting her mind wander back to Emily. Emily: whose long dark hair blows ever so slightly with even the smallest breeze; whose skin gives off the faint smell of lavender that is almost undetectable unless you're intimately close; whose chocolate-brown eyes seem to melt away every time Paige looks into them.
It doesn't seem real sometimes to Paige that Emily has stuck by her side for all of these years. They both only had semester left before they graduated from the respective colleges, and soon they would be sharing an apartment together in Chicago, where Emily planned on using her studies in business and social psychology to open up a coffee shop in the city. Paige was planning on branching off into medical school, where she would then study her way to become a neurosurgeon.
Paige can remember back to the times when she was younger, where none of this seemed remotely possible for her to achieve, even in her dreams.
"Dad, why is the sky blue?"
"Because that's how God created it, Paige. Now, stop asking questions and finish your broccoli."
Paige scowled. She thought for sure that this would be a good enough distraction for her dad that she could slip the vegetables off her plate so that Skipper could eat them instead. She whipped her head around to the Great Dane who was lying behind the sofa, mouthing "I'm sorry", before turning around and stuffing her mouth full of broccoli. She swallowed, a grimace immediately appearing on her face as she reached for her water to wash it down.
Excusing herself from the table, Paige placed her dishes in the sink before telling her father that she was going out for a bike ride. He told her to make sure she came back in time for prayers at seven-thirty so that she would have enough time to shower and get ready for bed. Opening the shed door, she pulled out her bike and pedaled down the sidewalk.
After about ten minutes, Paige arrived at the main drag in the center of Rosewood. She looked both ways before she pedaled across the street and down the road to the large park on the other side of town. When she got there, most of the swings were taken, so she settled on building a sand castle instead. Almost immediately, Paige sensed someone walking towards her as she began digging her moat.
"I thought I told you not to come here anymore, McCullers," Noel Kahn growled at her.
"You don't own this playground, Noel," she replied, not even bothering to turn around and look at him.
"So what if I don't own it? No one wants you here. No one ever plays with you. You're seven years old and you don't even have one friend. It's sad," he walked around to face her.
"Leave me alone," Paige's voice cracked as she tried holding back her tears. Noel smirked and kicked down her sandcastle, sending sand flying straight into her eyes. Her hands flew to her face immediately and she sprung to her feet in search of the nearest water fountain. It took her almost twenty minutes for the pain to go away. Glumly, she pulled her bike from the rack and continued riding down the road until she came to a stop outside of the Rosewood Cemetery. She glanced at it before going across the street to the market, buying a rose, and making her way back across to the entrance.
Unlocking the gate, she slipped in practically unnoticed by the groundskeeper. The walk felt longer this time, but she knew that it was always the same and it would always be the same. She stopped in front of the gravestone, sitting down with her head hung.
"Hey mom," she sniffled softly. "I'm having a bad day again. Noel Kahn won't let me play on the playground anymore. This is the third time he's kicked sand in my face this month. It hurts so much…" she twirled the rose by its stem in her fingers. "I bought you a flower. I remember you telling me red roses were your favorite. There my favorite now too, you know. I even painted one for art class. I wish you could see it. I got an A!" Paige smiled, resting the rose against the cold stone slab. "I miss you... I miss you a lot. Sometimes I miss you so much that I want to cry. But I remember you telling me that you didn't want me to cry, that you wanted me to stay strong for dad. Well, I'm trying my hardest, but I think dad found something to help him stay strong. He takes me to church now, which I don't really understand, and he has me praying every night before I fall asleep. I'm not sure if there's really a God out there, because if there was, he wouldn't have taken you away from me." Paige can feel the tears form, but clenches her eyes tightly to keep them at bay. "It's not fair." She stands angrily, brushing the dirt off her knees and placing her hand on the stone. "I'll be back next week. I love you," she says quietly before walking away, turning her head to watch a few autumn leaves blow in the window, and she swears she almost hears her mother saying back:
"I'll be waiting, as always. I love you to, Paige."
Of course, the first day of middle school would start on her birthday. Paige unhappily grumbled as she walked into first period, sitting in the back of the room waiting for everyone else to file in. She tugged on her sweater, the ugly argyle print mocking her from below.
"Stupid dad," she mumbled to herself, "stupid dad for making me wear this." Paige found argyle print to be absolutely atrocious, and the fact that her dad not only insisted that he pick out her outfit for today, but decided that she would wear this abomination of a sweater, was starting off her day poorly. She sighed, opening her notebook so that she was prepared when the teacher wrote the warm-up on the board. She started to zone out, staring ahead at the white board before an angry voice stirred her thoughts.
"You're in our seats."
Paige turned her head to see Spencer Hastings, facing away from her and angrily staring down the poor soul who decided to get in her way to day. 'Good luck', she thought, hoping that whoever it was Spencer was talking to made it out alive.
"Excuse me? What do you mean your seats?" a girl squeaked out.
"I came to orientation yesterday and I reserved those two seats for Hanna and I."
"Uh, I don't think you can reserve seats in class," another girl said sarcastically. Paige smirked; thinking whoever this was had to have been crazy for talking like that to Spencer. She turned around in her seat to seek out the voice, and when her eyes met the owner, she was sure her heart had stopped.
The girl had tan skin and dark brown hair, almost black. She was wearing a tight orange shirt and a white skirt with a multi-colored woven bracelet around her right wrist. Her eyes looked like they were made out of pure melted chocolate, and she going faintly make out a tint of scarlet in them. Suddenly, the girl's gaze shifted and they locked eyes; only for a split second before Paige ducked her head, a blush spreading profusely across her cheeks.
What was happening? She hadn't even spoken to the girl, yet she was already so enticed by her it was astonishing. She thought about turning around to look at her again, until a sharp voice cut through her ears like sheet metal.
"You're right, I am really cool."
Alison DiLaurentis.
Paige had completely forgotten that Alison would be attending this school. Now she had to have first period with the girl. Just being in the same state was torturous enough for Paige.
"Great, McCullers is in this class," she heard Alison say to someone, most likely Spencer. She turned her head slightly, not wanting to give Alison her full attention, and rolled her eyes.
"Who's McCullers?" she heard the beautiful girls' voice ask.
"Trust me, Emily," Alison said, "you don't want to know."
Paige spent most of her middle school days admiring Emily Fields from afar. She was mesmerized by her movements in the water; it was like Emily was born to be in it, like she claimed more and more of it with every stroke of her arms and power kick of her legs as her own.
There was another type of admiration for Emily outside of the water that Paige couldn't quite put her finger on. The girl herself was utterly stunning, with a winning personality that would just melt your heart. Paige spent an inordinate amount of time just looking at the other girl: the way she bit her lip when she was thinking hard or confused, how she wiggled her hips ever so slightly when she was excited, or how she would spend numerous minutes peering out the window during class with a perplexed expression.
Paige was glad that she could spend time secretly studying the girl and know that nobody was able to see her do it.
Or, so she thought.
In ninth grade one day, Paige was walking back to her locker from swim practice with a few of her teammates. She remembered that she had left her Biology text book in her locker, so she excused herself from the group to retrieve it. Upon pulling out her textbook from its respectful place wedged between to binders, a small envelope fell from her locker. Curious, she picked it up, read the neatly written "Paige" on the back in script writing. She broke the seal, pulling the letter out and unfolding it, reading its contents.
"Have you ever felt like you had something good, but it wasn't enough? That there was always something missing? Well, that's how I feel when I look at you, and when I look at Ben. I always feel like Ben isn't enough for me, but when I look at you, my body goes into overdrive and I can't help the way react. Sometimes, I have these powerful dreams and you're in them, doing things to me, saying things to me... but I know they're not really happening. I want them to be real, but there not.
Paige, I know that you watch me, and that you look at me often, which is why I must ask you if you feel the same way. Have you ever those dreams or feelings towards me? Or felt like when you look at me your body gets all tingly?
I want you to tell me how you feel, and be honest. But I need you to write it in the form of a letter. Ben's noticing how I'm pulling away and that I spend more time looking and talking about you than I should, and I think he's becoming suspicious. Don't put it in my locker; Ben and I share it and I know he'll open and read it. By tomorrow, I want you to leave your letter taped under the sign outside of the Grille, and then I'll know your answer.
-Emily Fields."
Paige could feel her body heat rise, her cheeks down to her chest flushed with these new emotions from this new information that her brain was processing. Emily felt this way? About her? She couldn't tell if she was excited or terrified. Deciding on the latter for her emotion for now, Paige left the school in a hurry and biked her way home.
The fresh air did some good for clearing her head. She was able to process more clearly what Emily meant behind her words, and thought about how sometimes she would let her mind wander off about Emily a little too far.
She hopped off her bike once it was in the driveway, hastily opening her front door and bolting up her stairs into her bedroom. Grabbing her notepads from her dresser drawer along with a pencil, she sat down at her desk and wrote her reply.
"Emily,
Sometimes, I do feel the same way you do. You always seem to have this effect on me that I can't quite pinpoint. But doesn't it feel wrong that you're feeling for me what you should be feeling for Ben? I'm beyond flattered, and I'm ashamed to say that yes, I often have dreams about you that I shouldn't be having and I spend a long time think about what would happen if my dreams actually came true? Or your own? Do you ever wonder that? Because I sure do.
I want to know how you feel about something actually happening between us. Just write me back whenever you get a chance.
-Paige McCullers"
Paige folded the letter, quickly making her way to her dad's office and finding an appropriately sized envelope that would hold the letter and sealed it shut. She delicately wrote Emily's name on the back and made her way back up the stairs before undressing to take a shower, for in a few hours she was to have family over and she wanted to be clean when that time came.
Sitting at the table that night along with her father's parents and his brother's family, Paige was uneasy. She couldn't keep Emily off her mind or out of her thoughts. Thinking about how soft Emily's skin would feel underneath her finger tips and how it would taste between-
"Paige, sweetie, are you alright?" her Aunt asked, breaking her train of thought.
She looked up from the corner of table. "Yeah, Aunt Melissa, I'm fine. Why do you ask?"
"Well, first, you've been staring at the table for the past ten minutes with this intense facial expression, and second, you look rather flushed. Are you feeling ill?"
Her spine stiffened. "No, I... I just have a lot on my mind, is all. School and stuff, you know?" Paige answered, doing as best as she could to maintain a steady tone.
In the open room next to them, the television was still on, the news blaring loudly. Her family openly discussed politics, with them all being of the same party, they wouldn't offend each other. They were all very conservative, and they weren't very open to change.
"Today in California passed Prop 8, which placed a constitutional ban on same sex marriage within the state, stating that 'only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California'," came the hearty voice of the news anchor.
"Damn right," her grandfather said. "Finally, they're doing something about these gay people. It might only be in California for now, but it's at least a start."
Paige nearly choked on her spoonful of peas.
"Exactly," her father said, "it's absolutely disgusting to see two men or two women be together when it clearly states that in the bible that homosexuality is a sin."
A collective round of agreements could be heard from around the table.
"I mean, it's bad enough that Paige is exposed to it daily in school," her father continued on.
"I don't really see the problem," Paige said quietly. Everyone at the table turned to stare at her. She felt another unreasonable heat along with the intense anger and fear that she was feeling.
"What do you mean?" asked her grandmother.
"All due respect, grandmother, I really don't see why you all think it's a big deal. I mean, if it's not involving you directly, I don't see why it bothers you that two men or two women love each other."
Her father stared at her like she had grown an extra head.
"Paige Anne," her grandfather began, "do you believe it is okay for this to happen?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"Young lady, I would expect you to know better. Homosexuality has gone against everything you were raised to believe and everything you were taught about how marriage is only between a man and a woman. It's religiously and morally incorrect and it goes against everything this country was built on. And how do you expect them to reproduce, or raise a family? The embarrassment of a child coming from gay parents must be horrendous! Think about it; how would you feel if you were the child of two gay parents?"
"I actually wouldn't mind if-"
"And then talk about what else would happen if they legalized gay marriage! It would be opening the door for so many horrible things to soon become legalized. I mean, if you're going to legalize same-sex marriage, you may as well legalize sex with animals! It's an atrocious act, and I would never vote for anyone who believes otherwise!"
Another collective round of agreements passed around the table.
Paige was suddenly feeling overwhelmed. She was angry, disgusted, shocked, speechless and sad all at one time. Being in the same room with all of these people along with her emotions was making it hard for her to even breathe.
"You know, Aunt Melissa, I am feeling a little under the weather. Dad, may I be excused? I would like to go and get my rest," Paige said, standing up an leaving the room before her father had even had a chance to respond. Once she was up a few stairs and out of everyone's sight, she sprinted into her room, slamming the door and locking it behind her. She leaned her back against it, placing a hand over her mouth and sliding down to a crouching position, not even bothering to wipe the tears that saturated her cheeks.
The pedals on her bike could not move any faster, and Paige was beginning to think that it would be too late by the time she got there.
She pulled up to the Grille, resting her bike on the kickstand, walking over to the sign and hesitantly placing it underneath. She heard some faint snickering behind her, and loud footsteps approaching. She turned around, seeing no other than Alison DiLaurentis coming towards her. The other girl's eyes darted from her to the letter under the sign, reaching out for it.
"No, no, no, no!" Paige said, putting her hands up protectively.
"Do you want me to deliver this to Emily?" asked Alison with a smirk. "I probably should, since I was the one that wrote to you."
Paige's heart stopped. All the blood flooded from her brain and all movement around her seemed to slow until it was like she was frozen in time. Her mouth hung open, unable to form words as she watched Alison take the letter from its resting place. She felt the tears forming in her eyes as she watched helplessly.
"Should I open it here, or should I just forward it to daddy?" Ali continued. "Is he still that big old deacon at the church?"
"Give it to me," Paige said harshly, reaching out for it only to have it be pulled away by Alison.
"Aw, why should I? I'd much rather watch your daddy blow up when he finds out you wanna slip-"
"Give it to me!" Paige yells, not caring who around hears.
"Think again, Pigskin. I own you now!" Alison turns and walks away, the letter I her hand, and gets into a silver buggy. Paige can only watch in a shocked dazed as Alison and the driver pull away.
The tormenting was only getting worse, day by day.
Alison would say words to her, words that she's never think that would be associated with her, and dug a hole deeper and deeper into Paige's mind that twisted and turned her feelings around so now did she not only hated Alison, but she also herself.
Paige was unable to look in the mirror anymore without feeling ashamed.
She avoided everyone's gaze and became very avoidant and secretive around her father, who grew increasingly worried.
When Paige was alone in her room, or alone anywhere in general, she couldn't help but think about what she was, about what she was feeling. She was so disgusted with herself and her feelings and that she couldn't stop the monster inside her from attacking her, that she finally decided to try and kill him from the outside.
It started off as scratches, mainly. She would scratch and dig at her skin until she felt satisfied with the burning sensation that came along with it.
It soon wasn't enough to quell the beast, so Paige began to try different ways to her herself.
Paige spent numerous amounts of money on pencil sharpeners and disposable razors every few months that she wasn't able to save up for anything else. She would long periods of time taking them apart and digging them into her skin. It started out on her biceps, figuring that it would be an easy place to hide them, since she didn't wear many taking tops, but it eventually traveled across her body, from her collarbones, across her stomach, and down her thighs just above the knees were covered in deep, bloody cuts and scrapes in the skin. She stopped wearing shorts and t-shirts. Paige avoided looking at herself on any reflective surface when she was naked, for even the sight of the marks on her skin were enough to send her into a relapse.
Paige tried her hardest to stop hurting herself, she really did. But all it took was one glance in the mirror, or one word from Alison and it was starting all over again: the blood, the clean-up, the intense itching at her skin and scratching the wounds to keep them from heeling.
One evening, after a particularly bad day at school, Paige had had enough. She had spent her emotions and now she was numb completely; from her mind to her soul. She no longer felt anything. There was nothing for her to feel and the constant need to hurt herself drove her mad.
She went to her father's medicine cabinet, tears streaming down her face, and grabbing his bottle of sleeping pills. She placed them in her bathroom before heading to the laundry room, grabbing the bleach and heading back to the bathroom.
Closing the door behind her and locking it, she grabbed the pills from the counter, placing them in front of her on the floor, grabbed a plastic cup from under the sink and say down on the floor. She unscrewed the top of the bleach and poured some into the plastic cup.
'This is it. It will all be over soon. No more feeling this way. No more cuts, bruises. No more Alison.'
She dumped four pills into her hand and placed them onto her tongue, lifting the cup up to her lips. But suddenly she stopped.
If she did this, offed herself, then Alison would win. It would prove to Alison that she could easily get rid of the people that she didn't want around.
Paige didn't want that. She didn't want Alison to have any self-satisfaction.
She hurriedly spit the pills into the toilet and dumped the bleach along with them. She flushed, watching them spin around and around until they disappeared. She stood, taking in her state as she looked at herself in the mirror. She studied her features as how sad her eyes looked.
"I won't let you win, Alison," Paige said aloud.
Paige stretched, the uncomfortable seat on the train straining her muscles, which already ached enough from her long swim practice the day before. She rubbed the back of her neck slowly, watching as passengers were starting to gather their belongings and stand up.
"Have a nice trip, Paige?" Dorothea asked with a smile.
Paige smiled back. "I had some dreams that weren't pleasant, and this chair isn't the most comfortable, but it wasn't as horrendous as I thought."
"Good, I'm glad to hear," Dorothea smiled. She and Paige talked casually as they gathered their things and files out if the train and out into the station.
"It was nice to meet you Paige," Dorothea said, fixing the scarf around her neck.
"The feeling is mutual, ma'am."
"I hope our paths cross again. Give your girlfriend my best wishes."
"As do I, and thank you, I will pass along the word."
The two women smiled at each other before Paige turned away, hulling her luggage away as she looked around the station for a sign of the familiar skin tone or dark hair or-
Those eyes.
They locked eyes from across the room and Paige couldn't comprehend what was happening as she watched Emily run towards her, everyone around her slowing down until it felt like it was only the two of the in the station. She was suddenly aware of the hands tangled in her hair and the soft lips crushed against her own as she pulled Emily's bod against her by the waist, feeling the hit tears soaking her cheeks and the rapid beating of their hearts in their cheats.
Emily pulled away after what seemed like an eternity, resting their foreheads together an looking into Paige's eyes, her face breaking out into a goofy grin as she laughed and pulled her girl's face closer and placing little kisses on her lips between giggles of excitement.
"I've missed you, Paige."