Really, this has just turned into responding to letters. Ai...

Dearest Turco,

I have news! I have just arrived in Tirion for my half-term holidays - and before you ask why Kano was home before me, Lindaliel, Isilfinde and I went to the various festivals and fairs in the city - they are spectacular! There was a performance where somebody had trained piglets to do synchronised swimming! We also went diving (from the cliffs - please don't tell Atar, Amme or Maitimo) and swimming. Just to be contrary, I will send the profiteroles (carefully packaged). If they have any paint on them, just brush it off (I was doing a 'portrait' of Maitimo, which one of his fangirls had threatened me to do. Originally it was... requiring Maitimo to undress, but we both refused to do that.)

I do apologise for making you seem insensitive (but we all have the right to be insensitive - you do know that, right? I mean, look at me - I'm insensitive all the time!). Anyhow, when you get out, I CHALLENGE YOU TO A GAME OF CHARADES (because I am random like that, and because I CAN!).

Love, Simpa

P.S I have enclosed some hairpins (they have been known to pick locks before - I used them the time you and Curvo locked me in the music room (why did you choose the music room? You know I like it in there - why didn't you lock me in the forge as you know of my pyrophobia! I would have happily stayed in the music room all day, had it not been for hunger. However, while I was in there, I did manage to perfect that waltz I had been struggling with - you know, the one for my Royal Aqualonde School of Music entrance tests - if you hadn't locked me in there, I would never have passed! Thank you!) But what I want to know is why you decided to lock me in - what did I do to you?)

P.P.S I do believe you would need to make yourself seem more attractive - after all, you name does not mean 'Well shaped one', like someone we know, but 'Hasty riser' if I am not mistaken... I was just teasing. I know you're handsome - you are a son of Feanaro, after all!

P.P.P.S While in Aqualonde I purchased gifts for you, Nelyo, Kano, Moryo, Curvo, Telvo, Pityo, Amme and Atar. Can you guess what I bought?

P.P.P.P.S I have also inclosed your favourite book. It must be terribly dull in there!

P.P.P.P.P.S I will now retreat to my garden with a large barrel of green apples and a vat of green tea. The twins are doing my head in.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S The paint was watercolour, FYI (for your information)

Dear Simpa,

Good thing you're back! It's getting rather dull in the washroom. As a responsible brother, I should ask... Did you meet anyone there to your fancy? And how are your friends doing? (It really seems as if I'm slowly changing in this washroom - someone hurry up and get me out of here...) It must have been nice, jumping off of cliffs. If I tell Maitimo, I think he'll strangle both of us. And if the profiteroles are carefully packaged, I don't think that ensures that Kano won't be able to stick a syringe in it and put some sort of sweetener or salt in it.

Oh goodness. Was Finde - oh, right...he's banned from the house, currently.

It's fine - one gets used to it. AND BRING IT ON. I am the master of charades.

Postscript: I don't know how to pick a lock. I chose the music room? Curvo chose the music room. For once, I actually listened to him because he was lecturing me about how I never really followed along with what he did, so I decided to just go along with it. I locked you in there, for your friends are really...just...really. And if you weren't there to greet them, they'd leave in an hour. Unless Findekáno's there; then your friend will try to get your blonde friend to speak with him.
Post-postscript: I know I'm handsome too, but I'm glad we are on the same page... I'm teasing also.
Post-post-postscript: Thanks, Simpa. I bet you bought new hunting leathers, or a bow, for me. Thank you in advance.
Post-post-post-postscript: It is terribly dull; thanks for the book though.

Dear Tyelkormo,

I am sorry about your plight. I apologize that I haven't written earlier, but I was busy all day. I had lessons with both Aule and Yavanna, and an athletic trying session with my Uncle Nolo. Well, to be honest that is not entirely the reason why I've been busy. I have been trying to hide from Oreme. I sort of broke his horn, sorry, Turko, I know how much you love running after it. Anyway, he is really, really angry and really, really fast and Nahir is even faster, and I am getting scared. I am sending you the bathroom key-um, I once stole it from your house when I was over, hope you still have the same locks-so, if you do escape please talk to Oreme. I know his horn can be fixed! I am getting desperate, right now, I am in the oven, but I'll have to move on soon, Amil's making bread. If the key doesn't work try the hair pins! I know, I know I said I wasn't afraid of anything but have you ever seen Oreme angry? I am getting desperate.

Your very frightened cousin,

Nerwen

p.s. Um, would you kindly forget that I said that I had stolen the key from your house, I meant to say borrowed.

p.p.s. If you can't get out do you have any suggestions on how to deal with Oreme?

p.p.p.s. Is there anything you would ask in payment? I am exactly sure what you like...well, that is what you would want other people to think you want. I know what you want.

Dear Nerwen,

You sort of broke his horn? I give you props for that; I've been trying to break it for years! It always escapes my reach. And...you have an athletic session with Uncle? Seriously? Uncle Nolo? I'd be laughing, unless I want to draw attention to the washroom. So I'll just settle for cackling. As for placating Oromë, the best thing to do is ask Atar (my Atar) to fix it. Do you have the fragments? Or some sort of sketch for it? I'm sure Atar could fix it...or make a new one. After all, Oromë's second horn (after he broke his first one, which was the one used in the time of Grandfather) was made by Atar.

If there's not a single glance of hope, then I'll talk to him. But I'm pretty sure that he'll get over it. Just hide...in the washroom. Like me. You could even come over and hide in the washroom with me. Oh, and thank you for the key...but that key is actually...um...used for the cabinets in the washroom. Atar is a bit paranoid about things like this, so he keeps his cabinets under lock and key. And I don't know how to pick a lock. I tried one, and Simpa sent me a hair pin, but I've only succeeded in breaking the hair pin and not out of the washroom.

It's okay, Nerwen; we all get afraid sometimes. I'm afraid of Irissë when she doesn't shoot the animal like she's supposed to, and the thing goes scampering off. And then she gets angry. That's when I get scared.

Postscript: I won't ask why you 'borrowed' the key, but I won't deny that I'm not curious...
Post-postscript: Play a sonata to him. He'll fall asleep, and then you can run. (Valar, surprisingly enough, can fall asleep.)
Post-post-postscript: I wish my father would stop bugging me about talking with beautiful ladies; half of them don't even see me anymore because I've clearly expressed no interest. I've learned my lesson in the past; nothing good can come from being in a romantic relationship with them.
Post-post-post-postscript: The oven?

Makalaurë! Why that's preposterous! That Ridiculous! That's...that's...that's..yes, we both know I'm lying through my teeth. Hmmm, maybe I should start this letter again.

Dear Tyelcormo,

That's unfair. I thought it was only Artanis and Findaráto who could read minds! Out of all six of your brothers, how were you able to guess the right one so easily? Well, I suppose I should thank you for the picture. He is adorable when he's asleep, isn't he?

ummm...

Welll, moving on...

Your family really does that? Every week? I don't suppose your Atar is called the Spirit of Fire for nothing. I never imagined the name would turn out to have such a literal meaning though!

Tyelco, please, do not try and avenge yourself on Maitimo. He's older, stronger and more experienced than you. He is going to see whatever you plan on doing from a mile off and he will be prepared, even if you get Curvo and the Ambarussa to help you and use their most devious tricks. I'd rather not hear about you embarrassing yourself, if that's not too much to ask.

Moryo has a very twisted sense of humor. I approve! Ummm...I'm guessing that you don't though. Maybe one day you'll be able to look back on this and laugh! Or, maybe not...

I set out the fish for Huan, like you said. He's a magnificent dog, such a beautiful creature! Your lucky to have him. Anyway I told him about your current situation, so let's see what that comes of it.

Oh! you'll really take me to see the cleft of Calacirya? It's been so long since I was there last! To see the stars shining there, they are so beautiful! I don't really mind where you take me, I love wandering and exploring. Today, I've visited the gardens of Lórien and am currently writing this letter sitting under a willow, for instance.

I hope you get freed soon.

With love,

Ataralassie

Dear Ataralassie,

I'm just all-knowing like that. Nerwen can actually read minds; Findaráto just knows how to analyze people down to the critical point. You're welcome for the picture, by the way. But I don't...really cross those boundaries, my friend. I don't...how do you young people say it? play on that side of the field? Oh well. I am not that type of hunter, I suppose. Excuse my...badly phrased metaphor. And yes, Atar does it every week. It'll only be soon when he decides to burn Queen Ind - er...ehm...perhaps we shouldn't touch on that subject.

I won't be embarrassing myself. I promise you. Maitimo has been fooled before. And I have fooled him before. In fact, he's only been fooled twice, once by me, once by Findekáno. With Findekáno - well, he did it on purpose. I didn't mean to dupe Maitimo at the time, but now that I look back on it, it was hilarious. But Moryo's sense of humor? No. He's sadistic.

Thanks for setting the fish out for Huan; he loves fish. More than meat... You can converse with animals? I thought I was the only Elf who could do that... Ah well.

How long?

And I hope I get freed soon too.

Postscript: I'll bring Makalaurë along too. (Currently, I am practicing my evil laugh in the mirror.)

Dear Tyelkormo,

My parents have a very healthy love life, thank you very much, although that is none of your concern. It just so happens that they saw what happened after your parents had their third son and decided to take the safe route and have a small family with only two sons and a daughter.

I knew that you had no intention of touching Irissë, my dear cousin. And even if you did, she has absolutely no interest in you. I just had to get back at you for that dreadful postscript you sent me in your first later. I mean, really, you were asking for it. My, you do have a hard time with beautiful ladies, do you not? If you need any help, just ask Maitimo; he has courted more maidens than I care to remember. And they are still flocking about him in throngs, so I have no idea what you could possibly mean.

I am surprised indeed that you do not wear hairpins. I wear hairpins. Maitimo wears hairpins. Why, even you father wears hairpins! Irissë, on the other hand… But, oh well, what you do not have, you cannot use. I suppose there is no sense in lingering on it.

No, we were not really plotting to rule the world, I just said that sate your strange imagination that always seems to be thinking up the worst things that we could possibly be doing. We were playing backgammon, for Manwë's sake. And I was winning! As for the look on your father's face, it was a rather strange look. He had his eyebrows furrowed together, and his eyes were narrowed a little, and his top lip was curling up ever so slightly to the right, and his bottom lip was pulled downward faintly into a frown. It was a very strange look indeed. Do you have any idea what that was supposed to mean? I would greatly like to know.

Your loving cousin,

Findekáno

p.s. I cannot remember the last time Irissë talked about shampoo. Are you sure we are talking about the same girl?

p.p.s I did not burn any of your father's things. But, as I said before, you will not learn what I did.

p.p.p.s I am not scared in the least about the dear Ambarussa. I have cake, and we all know what their weakness is.

p.p.p.p.s. If you were talking about Maitimo's claim to never wed, I can assure you that that might not be true at all. I mean, he did say it when he was drunk, so no one really takes it seriously.

Dear Findekáno,

So, you're denying the existence of your little brother Argon? Hmm. And that stings, my dear cousin. Are you sure you're the 'loving cousin?' (I most definitely have not the intention of touching Irissë; she'd clobber me herself.)

On the point of what I don't have, would you mind sending me a hairpin? Oh, and with the topic of the look on my father's face...that's a new one. It kind of resembles the time when he gets suspicious and annoyed...and then tries to calm down. Perhaps, when I get out of the washroom, I'll try to provoke my father the same way, and we'll see what happens...and I'll feel what happens. Ah well. This is for the sake of discovery. But I bet it's something involving suspicion. He hates not knowing things.

You two ruling the world isn't a bad thing though - forget I just said that.

Postscript: I am pretty sure... It was when she was in one of those moods during which she spoke with some Vanyarin girls. I guess she picked it up from them. You know how vain the young ones are about their hair...
Post-postscript: I'm still going to guess. Did you go into his forge and knock something over?
Post-post-postscript: ...I've been living with them for as long as they've been born, Findekáno. I'm afraid that they can be very frightening when they want to be, so when the storm comes, you know I'll be twenty leagues away. But cake is a weakness... Damn. However, they have an even greater weakness...but I'm sure you know what it is.
Post-post-post-postscript: You never know what Russandol will say when he's drunk... He's not even the type of drunk to become clumsy and depressed. When he's drunk, he spouts all these odd secrets and truths that no one even knew... Moryo has documents of every single time he's been intoxicated. Of course, it just had to be the truthful-drunk... Not even silly, or horny, or anything, but truthful. It's like he suddenly becomes a little child, which I find adorable, until he starts telling everyone within a five mile radius our secrets from when Kano and I were little. And once, Atar was there. That was disastrous.
Post-post-post-post-postscript: I still have no idea who sent the cookies that taste like fish... Do you mind helping me investigate the situation? I'm a little...stuck. In the washroom. So I can't really do anything from here.

Dear Tyelkormo,

Ah, I suppose even Maitimo hasn't quite experienced the anguish being alone with the toilet bowl brings, if he locked himself in! It has got to be doubly worse knowing your imprisonment comes because of others, and their uncanny talent for losing important keys. If I may ask, though, what on earth was it that drove Maitimo to the point of preferring the toilet bowl's company to the rest of the family? It wouldn't have anything to do with this mysterious incident you've alluded to, would it? (Come on, you can tell me what it was! I swear I won't tell anybody!)

And also, the fish-cookies weren't from me, I promise! Whoever sent them was probably Telerin, what with their obsession with water...

-Crackers

Dear Crackers,

No he hasn't! In fact, when I woke up this morning, the toilet bowl was staring at me. It used my reflection to cast a look of astonishment on me! Evil, goddamned toilet bowl! Thanks to Maitimo and the twins... But, apparently, Maitimo locked himself in because Ammë decided that it was time for him to get 'The Talk.' Because, oddly enough, Makalaurë and I had already received it, but Maitimo had refused to listen for the past ten times Ammë tried to explain the birds and the bees. But more and more girls were after Maitimo, so Ammë had enough. And Maitimo locked himself in the washroom.

But it had nothing to do with the mysterious incident...and if I tell you, Maitimo will drown me in the well next to our garden.

Good. If they were from you, then I'd be able to deduct that you are Telerin.

Postscript: They looked like normal cookies.

Dear Tyelkormo,

Beautiful women? Just you wait till you meet Luthien Tinuviel in a few years! Good on Ambarussa for managing to lose the key... *chuckles*

Sincerely,

Ivory

Dear Ivory,

Who is Luthien Tinuviel?

And that is not good. Huan needs some manly companionship. And I need some manly companionship - not the toilet bowl.

Postscript: Nice name, by the way. There's another person I'm writing letters to - the name is Crackers. Have you met Crackers before?

Now, Ammë knows that I am in the washroom.

I had to lie, so she thinks that I am having constipation problems.

Facepalm.

Anyways, I've decided to describe the washroom, since I am immensely bored. Not that your letters aren't entertaining - they are - but I need more than letters. (I have this horrible pun coming on, so I'll resist saying it...)

The walls are striped vertically of white and robin's egg blue, with a border of golden vines twisted around a single pole running across each wall. The tiles are marble and a mixture of peach, dark blue, sapphire, emerald, cobalt, and just basically what a typical marble/granite floor would look like...but much, much more classier. Then there's the sink, white and porcelain, with a tap of silver and an engraving of emerald gem snakes entwined. Light filters in and reflects perfectly on the nice little scene, from the small window in the middle of the left wall (upon entering the washroom).

And then there's the toilet bowl.

It is the ugliest thing ever, and if I see it again after I'm gone from this washroom, I will throw it out the small window that only the dove can fit through.

I hate the toilet bowl.

It can just die and rot and be eaten by decomposers.

It won't be missed.

Damn toilet bowl.

Tyelkormo hates the toilet bowl. It's that obvious.

Anyway, I'm having fun writing these letters! What about you guys (& girls - probably mostly girls)?