As these chapters kind of go in pairs, I thought I'd post this one up today too. I hope you enjoy both chapters. Love, IJKS xxx

Chapter Four: Charlie

I wonder if I can hide out in my room forever. If nobody sees my face, maybe they won't see the change that's come over me these last few days. If I can stay here, I can pretend that nothing is going on inside me. I barely even understand what's happened, except that I shared an undeniable moment with you today. It was intense, it was charged and it was romantic. We stood there, gazing into each other's eyes, hearts pounding, holding hands, close enough to kiss. I wanted to kiss you so badly. Every time I close my eyes, I see you. I feel your breath and I can smell your perfume. I can almost feel your lips and I'm torn between regret at not knowing what they really feel like, and certainty that kissing girls is not the kind of thing I should do. But I know I wanted to. I wanted to so much. I've fallen in love with you and I haven't got the first clue over what to do about it. So, here I am, feigning a migraine and hiding from my feelings.

I can't bring myself to sit up when I hear a knock on the door. I know it's you before you even speak. Your voice calls my name and it's so meek and full of confusion. All I want to do is pull you into my arms and finish the moment we shared together out on the boat. But I ignore you. You come in anyway and I keep my face turned away. I know my eyes will betray all my feelings and I can't bear it. I hear the click of the door and you put down pills and a glass of water for my migraine that we both know I'm lying about. I'm in some kind of pain but it's not going to be remedied by aspirin.

You're hovering over me and the uncertainty between us is growing and growing. You ask if I'm hiding up here because of what happened.

"Nothing happened," I lie.

I don't even know how I can say the words. We were both there. Of course something happened. It's not something I can explain or describe but it was there, whether I want it to be or not.

I feel you come to perch on the bed and I will you to keep your distance. The firm wall between my sensibilities and my longing is crumbling.

"You know what I'm talking about," you say.

I force myself to sit up and look at you and it's so hard not to get lost in your eyes. They're so soulful, so earnest.

It wasn't the boat. It wasn't the setting. It wasn't a one moment thing. I'm in love with you. And I'm terrified. Every inch of me is fighting against reaching out to you. You've been through so much and you're so strong, far stronger than I ever was. I want to hold you, I want to start that kiss we missed. And I never want it to stop. But I don't.

I make all the protestations any straight girl would – apologising if I led you on or gave you the wrong impression. I didn't. Everything you think I felt, I did feel. I'm far too aware of how much I want you, how deeply I feel for you. But the words are stuck in my throat and I can't tell you the truth. If I express my feelings out loud, that means they're real. I can't bear it. How did I ever manage to fall in love with a girl? I've never even fallen in love with a boy before.

You're studying me, trying to figure out how I'm feeling. I try to shut down so that you can't. It's only been a few weeks and you can already read me like a book. The sadness in your eyes is overwhelming. I don't want to hurt you but I'm just so confused. I can't even begin to explain to myself or you, how I feel right now. So I say that I care for you as a friend and that's all. It's a big, fat lie.

"I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable," you say unhappily. "I'm sorry."

My heart breaks into a million pieces. I don't know if I'm glad or sad that you believe what I'm telling you. I don't want you to know I'm in love. I'm too scared of that. But you're sensitive and vulnerable and I don't want you to think you've done something wrong. You haven't. We were both right there in the moment, me as much as you. But rather than reassuring you, I just tell you it's okay, ready to sweep the whole thing under the carpet. Somehow, I don't think it's going to be that easy.

I can't quite meet your gaze as you hurriedly try to reassure me that nothing was premeditated. You just wanted me to have a nice day and spend some time on a boat. It was never your intention to hit on me. I know that. You'd never manipulate a person or a situation, even with good intentions. It's not who you are. You're good and pure, you're beautiful and honest. You're everything I wish I could be. I'm flattered to think that someone as amazing as you would even look at me. I just wish I could do something about it.

Next time... Charlie and Joey's first kiss...