Chapter 4 – Faith

"Well I guess it would be nice, if I could touch your body
I know not everybody, has got a body like you
But I've got to think twice before I give my heart away
And I know all the games you play because I play them too
Oh but I need some time off from that emotion, time to pick my heart up off the floor

And when that love comes down without devotion
Well it takes a strong man baby but I'm showing you the door 'Cause I gotta have faith"

Faith by George Michael

Josie was conflicted as she paced around her study. Anders had been back with the Wardens for five days now, and he had settled back into his routine of harassing Nate about his lack of humor, and cracking dirty jokes with Oghren and practicing magic with Kai who was also helping him out at his clinic. The only routine that hadn't resumed was their relationship, nor were there even overtures of them rekindling it. He had told her that he had meant it when he had told her that he had loved her and she believed him. Maybe in the three years they had been apart he had gotten over her. Could there be someone else? Three years is a long time for someone to remain celibate, but for someone like Anders it was an impossible feat.

She also noticed that he was definitely more somber. The lighthearted mage that she had met years ago was toned-down and it was easy to see Justice's influence at work. He rambled on more about the mage's plight, and seemed to spend a lot of time working on some kind of philosophical declaration that he was calling his manifesto. However, there were brief moments that she would see longing… yearning flicker across his face when he looked at her and it would take all of her strength not to pull him into her arms to comfort him.

Part of her thought his aloof attitude toward resuming their relationship was probably for the best. In the three years that they had been apart she too had changed. Being Commander of the Wardens had hardened her and with the exception of the few Wardens that she had started out with, there were very few people she could be herself around. She could never let the men and women that fell under her command see her as weak or vulnerable.

Although her status as Hero of Ferelden carried influence with the nobles and commoners, it held very little weight with the Wardens who viewed her as an oddity they didn't know what to do with. They had never had to deal with a living Hero before, so they downplayed the power that she truly wielded. She should have died and it baffled them that she still lived. She had played dumb as to why she was alive, and had kept the fact that Loghain had gone behind her back and performed the dark ritual with Morrigan. She kept the secret for several reasons. First, she didn't want the Wardens going after Morrigan; mnot because Josie did not want to see any physical harm come to the apostate. It was because if she ever crossed paths with that mage again she had a few choice things she had to say to her and there was a good chance that one or both of them might not walk away from the confrontation. Her second reason was that it gave her something to hold over Loghain, something she could use to control him. With a man like Loghain you needed that.

However, she honestly couldn't stand to be around him. She had conscripted him because if Alistair had stayed four Wardens were better than three, but that didn't mean that she liked or trusted him. So after the battle with the Architect and Brood Mother she had sent him to the Orlesian Wardens to research and study their books for recruiting, the joining and the Wardens' history. It was there he had met Stroud, the two of them had been thick as thieves ever since. Something that Josie found highly suspicious since Stroud was Orlesian and Loghain typically mistrusted all things Orlesian. When Loghain had returned to the Keep with what he had discovered in Orlais, he had brought Stroud with him. Despite the man's overly polite Orlesian manners, Josie had taken an immediate dislike to the man and she trusted him even less. When asked why he had accompanied Loghain back, he simply stated that he wanted to help Ferelden rebuild their Wardens, but there was something he wasn't telling her. When she had discovered him going through her personal artifacts, she had sent him back to Orlais with her boot print on his arse. Her father would have said it was wise to keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Nevertheless, she couldn't live under the same roof nor fight alongside a man she couldn't trust. Loghain had asked her for permission to return to the Orlesian Wardens, which she gladly gave, but reminded him that he fell under her command, not theirs. To which he retorted, "a little fact that you seem to never let me forget."

So now, on Weisshaupt's orders they had been sent to Kirkwall to investigate one of her Wardens. Was Weisshaupt the puppet master behind Loghain and Stroud? Or was Weisshaupt's involvement just a red herring for whatever Loghain and Stroud were up to was a completely separate issue? She felt the hairs on the back of her neck rise as her instincts told her she needed to navigate these waters extremely carefully.

"Phine… are you okay?" Anders asked from the doorway.

She spun to face him; she smiled as she tried to force her shoulders to relax. "Yes."

He stepped closer to her, his eyes narrowed on her, his fingertips glowed blue and then she felt the relaxation spell wash over her, relieving the anxiety and instantly calming her. "You can lie to them and get away with, but I know you too well. What's going on Phine?"

She turned away from him, rested her hands on her desk as she stared down at the map of Thedas. "I honestly don't know, but something is going on with Loghain and Stroud. I just can't put my finger on it, but there are several things that are making me very uneasy."

She felt Anders warm hands rest on her shoulders then he slid them down her arms and back up again. She gripped the sides of her desk to stop herself from leaning back into him, taking comfort in him. He gently began to massage her neck and shoulders and a low moan escaped her lips. He chuckled. "You always did carry all of your tension in your neck and shoulders."

"Where am I supposed to carry it, in my arse?"

Anders laughed. "No, there are much better uses for an ass as perfect as yours."

"Oh really, and what would those be?"

Anders hand slid down her arm to her hip, he hesitated for a moment. When she offered no resistance, his hand slipped back and caressed her bottom. "Pleasure…" he whispered against the back of her neck sending a shiver down her spine as he stroked her. "Something this flawless should only be used to indulge in one's deepest desires."

Maker, his touch sizzled, burning her skin even through her pants as his sensual caresses sent every reservation, every doubt spinning out of her head. "And what is your deepest desire, Anders?"

His one hand slid into her hair as he forced her to bend over the desk while his other hand reached around and slipped between her legs, stroking her through her clothes. He pressed his rock hard groin into her ass as he moaned into her ear, "To make up for the years of being away from you, by taking you from behind and fucking…"

"Josie… Jo, are you okay?" Anders asked as he squeezed her shoulders pulling her back to reality.

"What?"

"I said if you carried it in your arse it would make it rather difficult to sit on a bar stool," Anders chuckled.

"Oh," was all she could manage.

Anders turned her toward him as he eyed her suspiciously. "Where did you go just now?"

"Aaah nowhere," she muttered as she stepped away from him. "I was just lost in your excellent massage techniques."

Anders eyes narrowed as he gave her a knowing smile. "Really?"

"Yes," she said firmly as she stepped behind her desk putting distance between them. "Was there a reason you came to see me?"

Anders continued to grin at her, making her want to smack the damn thing off of his face. "I wanted to let you know that the Keeper arrived. We are going into the Fade tomorrow."

xxXxx

The following morning they headed to the alienage. Hawke introduced her to Marethari, the Sabrae clan's keeper. "Aneth ara, Commander, it is a pleasure to meet you. I have heard a great deal about you from Lanaya. She had nothing, but praise for you with regards to your handling of the werewolves and the problems with Zathrian."

"Aneth ara, Keeper. I was glad that I was there to help."

"It is my understanding from Hawke that you will be joining them in the Fade," Marethari said.

"That is correct," Josie replied.

"Have you been to the Fade before?"

"Yes, I have; a couple of times."

"Well then you know of the desire of the demons to trip you up, to lie and deceive you. Do not believe their lies."

Josie gave a nod of understanding. "Fine, let's prepare for the ritual," Marethari stated.

xxXxx

Josie walked through a doorway into a long hallway that intersected with another. Hawke came up beside her and smiled. Standing next to him was Isabela and Varric. Anders was the last to enter. The moment that Anders emerged through the door his whole demeanor changed as his eyes began to glow this iridescent shade of blue. He paused in front of her. "Commander, it is good to see you again."

Josie's eyes narrowed on him. "I wish I could say the same, Justice."

Anders eyes narrowed, "Have I done something to offend you, Commander?"

She looked sternly into his eyes then gestured for them to walk while they talked. "What do you think?"

"I can sense your anger and frustration, but I am unsure why it is directed at me."

"Because even more than Anders, you, as a Fade Spirit, should have known the dangers of merging with a living host and I do believe you did know, but that your overwhelming desire to survive and live outside the Fade overrode your better judgment."

"It was Anders' anger that corrupted me. Because of his…"

"Do. Not. Blame. Anders… for your selfishness!" Josie's eyes flared with fury. "You are to blame for this. Instead of going into the Fade when Kristoff died, you convinced a living host… someone who considered you a friend… someone who trusted you enough to merge with you. You manipulated Anders' emotions and guilt about the mages and persuaded him that you could help his cause. What Anders did was stupid, but his motives were pure. That cannot be said for your intentions."

Now Justice's eyes flashed with rage. "I did not manipulate him! I did not do anything that he did not already wish to do! You are placing a lot of the blame on me and not making Anders take any of the responsibility..."

"You're a Fade Spirit. You should have known better and if you didn't know the consequences of your actions then you should have never taken the risk!"

Justice was silent for a moment. "Commander, you're right. I didn't know how his desires, his fantasies, his anger would effect me and I should have taken that into consideration before I merged with him. What is done is done and I can't change the past, but now since the merge we both see that sometimes it is necessary to fight against things that have become so wrong, so vile that they should no longer be tolerated, justice needs to be delivered and the guilty must pay."

"Bullshit! You are not the Maker. You have no right to be judge, jury and executioner. Justice isn't the same as being a vigilante. Justice doesn't take the law into its own hands. Justice is objective. It is based on fact. What you are talking about is vengeance. That is a subjective based on emotions and opinions," Josie countered.

"Sometimes Justice and Vengeance overlap."

"No, you're wrong! One is about maintaining order in a society. The other is about individual satisfaction. There is no honor in that, Justice."

"HONOR! Is it honorable for a society to do nothing while an entire class of people is persecuted because of an accident of birth? Is it honorable for a civilized world to lock up innocent people that have done nothing wrong? Is it honorable for a culture to take the mind of someone because they do not like what they say, or because that person fought back against the abuses that have hurdled at them their entire lives?"

"No Justice, there is no honor in those things and I agree that those things need to change, but change will not happen through vengeance. That will only create more fear and strengthen the world's opinion that mages are dangerous and should be locked up."

Justice studied Josie for a long moment before he replied. "You have given me some things to think about, Commander. I will take your opinions into consideration."

Josie gave a curt nod. "Thank you, Justice for listening to me. I ask one thing of you."

Justice's eyes narrowed on her. "What is that?"

"Please keep in mind that your host is a good man with a good heart… a healer's heart. 'Do no harm' is his personal belief when he heals. Please don't ask him to do something that would go against the core of who he is."

"You love him, Commander."

"That's irrelevant. I ask this of you, not because of my personal feelings for Anders, but because if you go against who he is at the core of his being, you will break and destroy him. If you do that, you will experience firsthand what true vengeance is."

Justice gave a nod of understanding. "I do believe that we are here to save a boy. We need to tend to that task."

The four of them headed deeper into the Fade. They had just entered two of Feynriel's dreams, and they had convinced the boy that the scenarios being played out before him were tricks being orchestrated by demons. However both Isabela and Varric had fallen prey to the allure of the demons. Now Justice, Hawke and Josie stood before the last demon. It turned its attention on her as the scene before her changed.

She was alone in her office. Anders was behind massaging her shoulders, his hand slid down as he bent her over the desk. It was her fantasy from earlier. The touch of his hands, the feel of his body against hers made her head spin with desire. She closed her eyes… it felt so real; the heat of his breath, the warmth of his touch, love in his voice.

Anders leaned into her as he kissed her down her neck, "You still want me, Phine. I can feel it. You want me as badly as I want you."

Anders slid his hand between her legs, "I can feel how wet you are for me, even through your pants. I've missed you, Phine. I've ached for you. I love you so…"

She brought her heel down on the demon's foot; it pulled away from her giving her enough room to elbow it in the stomach. It howled in pain as it jumped away from her. As Josie spun to face it she drew her daggers and leapt at it. The room changed and they were back in the Templar courtyard as the others joined her in battle. They quickly dispensed of the demon. They met Feynriel and it was agreed that his best chance for learning to control his abilities was to go to the Tevinters.

Eventually that evening, they made it back to the Warden estate. Without a word, Josie made her way to her room. The desire demon's vision had shaken her because it had been so close to what she had actually fantasized about the previous day. On top of that, she wasn't sure how much of the desire vision the others had seen. What if Anders had seen the whole thing? He would have immediately recognized it from the scene in her office. Damn it! The last thing she needed was for him to know that even though he was obviously over her, she wasn't over him.

There was a knock at the door, she opened it and found Giles waiting with a tray of meats, cheeses and breads along with several servants ready to bring in a nice hot bath. She smiled, "I'm really beginning to like you, Giles."

He smiled back at her and held up a bottle of fine antivan brandy. Her smile grew even wider. "Keep this up and I just might fall in love with you."

"I am glad that my… Commander is pleased. I heard it was a rough mission."

Josie's brows furrowed. "Who did you hear that from?"

"Warden Anders. It was actually him that suggested I bring up a hot bath and the brandy."

She smirked as she rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Of course."

Once she was alone, she quickly slipped into the tub; she retrieved her glass of brandy from the table, and took a long sip. She placed it back on the table then leaned her head back against the rim. The hot water soothed and relaxed her and within minutes she was fast asleep.

Sometime later, there was a loud knock at her door, woke her up with a start. Maybe if she ignored it whoever it was would go away, but she had no such luck as another loud knock came. "I'm coming," she cried out as she got out of the tub quickly, dried off and wrapped a towel around her.

She opened the door to find Anders smiling at her. "You're still in the bath? You're going to turn into a prune."

She waved him in and closed the door. "The water was so soothing that I drifted off to sleep. By the way, thank you for sending Giles up with the tub and brandy." She stepped behind the changing screen to slip into a robe.

"I remember how much you enjoyed a hot bath and glass of brandy after a mission. It took Varel a while to get it, but once he realized you were always in a much better mood after you had time to unwind, he was quick to make sure there was always one waiting for you when you returned. Giles seems a little green, so I thought I would save him one of your fiery moods and clue him in," Anders replied with a grin.

"I wasn't that bad," Josie said defensively.

Anders raised a questioning eyebrow.

Josie chuckled. "Okay, maybe I was a little grumpy, but when a girl gets back after killing a nest of broodmothers, she just needs a little pampering and relaxing to unwind."

Anders grinned at her mischievously."Yes and I believe I found just the right combination of pampering and relaxing for you."

"Well, let it never be said that Anders doesn't know how to make a girl feel special," Josie said as she sat down in the chair near the fire.

Anders took the chair across from her. "It was only you that I truly went the extra mile for."

"Well, aren't I the lucky one."

Anders looked at her for a long moment. "Your Fade vision, that is what you were thinking about the other day in study. Wasn't it?"

"Well you have definitely lost your subtlety over the years."

Anders stared intently into her eyes, waiting for her to answer. When one didn't come he said, "Well?" Trying to prompt her.

"Fine! Yes! Now you and Hawke both know that I still fantasize about you. Are you happy now?"

"I don't give a rat's ass about what Hawke knows. I only care about you." Anders was on his knees in front of her. He grasped her hands in his. "Phine, if it makes you feel any better, there isn't a day… an hour that goes by that I don't have at least one dirty thought about you."

Surprise spread across her features then she grinned at him. "You do?"

"Maker, Phine, how could I not? I love you… not to mention you're the most incredible, adventurous lover I've ever been with. That day in your office, you must have been reading my mind because that is exactly what I wanted to do to you."

"Then why didn't you?"

Anders released her hands as he sat back on his heels. "Love, as much as I want to be with you, I can't. I left you because I am too dangerous to be around. I would never be able to live with myself if I lost control and harmed you. And now after your little chat with Justice, he has done nothing, but scream at me about what a distraction you are, what a bad influence, that you are bad for our mission… like I even know what our mission is," Anders said frustration.

Josie started to giggle. He looked at her wide eyed. "This isn't funny."

She continued to laugh. "I'm sorry, but I haven't been called a bad influence since the time I convinced Nate to put itching powder in his father's boots."

Anders burst out laughing.

"You talked stiff-arsed Nate into pulling a practical joke on his tight ass father. That's priceless. I'm sure that went over like a Hurlock showing up at a Warden's Twelfth Night party."

Josie's face immediately became serious. "If you think Nate lacks a sense of humor, Rendon Howe makes him look like a court jester. Saying that the Arl was infuriated would be an understatement. I honestly believed that the man was going to kill his son."

"Well, Nate is still among the living so obviously he didn't."

"That's 'cause I took the blame."

"You did what?"

"I told you the man was going to kill Nate. I told him that Nate didn't do it, I did and that he was just lying to protect me."

"What did the Arl do?"

Her eyes took on a haunted look as she continued the tale."The riding crop that he had been using on Nate he turned on me… Nate managed to regain enough of his strength to attack his father and wrestle crop out of his father's hand, giving me enough time to get away."

"Your father had to have been furious."

"I never told him."

"Why the hell not?"

"I was twelve, I had convinced Nate to put itching powder in his father's boots, I was worried about getting in trouble. Now that I look back on it I wish I had. It might have saved my family's life."

"Jo… how can you think that?"

"Now that I'm older, if I had told my Dad how insane Rendon had acted. His beating Nate then me, it might have forced my father to consider that the Arl wasn't the man he thought him to be. He might not have put so much trust in him."

"Jo, those are a lot of what if's?"

"Not really, any noble so out of control as to beat a Teyrn's daughter would have sent huge warning signals to both my father and the King regarding the man's instability. If I had told my father about the incident and my father would have pursued it by taking it before the King. Rendon would have been stripped of his noble title and his lands, but I was a kid. I didn't understand any of that. I was just afraid of being punished."

Anders stood up, he pulled Josie to her feet and into his arms. He kissed her forehead, "Phine, you can't blame yourself for this. You didn't know, you couldn't have understood the ramifications of not telling anyone."

Tears slid down her cheeks, soaking through his shirt. He slid his hands up, cupped her face and wiped her tears away with his thumb. "Don't cry, Jo. You did everything in your power to save your family."

He hesitated for a moment as if debating with himself then he leaned into her and gently, tenderly kissed her lips before he lead her over to her bed. He pulled the covers back and helped her in. She didn't want to be alone, not after being in the Fade, Anders telling her why he couldn't be with her and the memory of Rendon Howe beating her. She looked up at him, "Anders, will you stay with me? I don't want to be alone."

Again Anders wavered for a moment before replying. "Of course, Love." Anders slid in behind, drew her against his chest and pulled the covers back over them. For the first time in three years, Josie felt safe and at peace.

A/N- *A huge thank you to those of you, who have favored, alerted and reviewed this story. I look forward to hearing your thoughts and when you share them with me it makes my day so much brighter.

*All hail to the Beta Goddess Jinxy for her superior grasp of the English language, her command of commas, colons and semicolons, and her exceptional spellchecking skills. Thank you, my friend for your outstanding ability to help me get the creative juices flowing and your most impressive turn around speed! I bow to you! You rule Jinxy!